Posted by
doggiegirl
16 yrs ago
My previous relationship just ended one month ago and I was trying to get over it and i was doing it well I think and I am getting happier and happier but there is one thing i worried about now because I am really scared of starting another new relationship with someone new and I am afraid that as time goes by he is not the right person for me again. I really dont want to be disappointed and get hurt any more. It feels like it is kind of barrier for me in my heart now. Is there anyone could give me good advice and help me to skip this barrier and accept new ppl？
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Hmm, it seems like you are becoming your own worst enemy in some ways. It's all in the mind - if you think you will have problems or attract the wrong person in your next relationship, you most likely will.
But if you forget about it, and just focus on other things in your life - whether it be hobbies, study, reading or self-improvement - then natural universal laws will begin to apply more readily in your life and the right person will come.
You create your own reality, and by thinking negatively of what MIGHT happen in future, you are setting yourself up for that to happen. You subconsciously start making choices which lead you toward your goal - whether it be positive or negative. Erase the negative from your mind, and you will push the possibility of the negative happening out of your life.
Just a thought :) You might see it though as pseudo pop-psycho babble...but, it's really very simple and basic common sense really.
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thanks a lot Surfjourno. I think what you said is definitely correct especially you said "It's all in the mind - if you think you will have problems or attract the wrong person in your next relationship, you most likely will" and I know it is my own problem which I need to conquer. I am getting better and better from hurt of previous relationship but I am not sure whether I recover completely and dont know whether this is one of the reasons make me scared of new relationship would make me disappointed and get hurt again.
As you said I have to erase negative things from my mind first otherwise the negative things and thoughts will lead me to the wrong way and make me more unhappier in the future. Sometimes I know what I should do but hard to do what I should do so this is what makes me frustrated.
I have to let my scareness out of my mind...
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No problem - yes, well, the first step in addressing your percieved issue is to at least recognize that there may be an issue, which you have done.
The next step is to just realize it is nothing more than in your mind, and only you can control your thoughts and actions. Positive thoughts lead to positive actions.
The final step is to just move on, learn from the past, and realize there is no future. Hmmm...that sounds kind of hopeless doesn't it? But what I mean is, the future is only in your mind, so is the past. In fact, there is NO future and no past, only the present moment. If you can stop dwelling on the past, and stop thinking or worrying about the future (because there is no such thing in reality), then you will realize you have no problems or issues to deal with. Just focus on things that you enjoy doing...but focus on really doing them, like...if you like cooking...just enjoy preparing the food, mixing it together, cooking it with love, and tasteing and enjoying it. The less you think about the future, the more positive things will begin to happen to you.
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in fact what you said is totally what I want to do to help me to move on just sometimes the barrier of negative thoughts and things stop me from moving on and living on the past that made me so scared and weak.
Yes..it's time to take steps as you guided. It might take time to change the situation from being negative to positive but I believe I can do it and get out of the past otherwise I think I can never be happy.
It sounds wasting time on thinking and worrying about future because no one knows what will happen next second and same as you said there is no such thing in reality but my thinking made myself worried and anxious.
I pray for my future to get better and better with being more and more positive.
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Don't worry too much - everyone has the same problem in a way...it is part of human frailty to be anxious (though to varying degrees) about the future. But...with practice and time, you can stop worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. It is hard to do, but..it really can be done.
There is a couple of good books on the topic, but I do not know their names off hand, but I can look. For me, I woke up in the middle of the night one night and it really sank in to me that there is no 'time' (no future or past) - only what is in our mind. I probably sound like a raving lunatic, but..I am going somewhere with this...
And that is, that when you realize the only thing that is real is the present moment..and that nothing ever bad really happens in the present moment to the vast majority of people...then you will be much happier. Sadness, anxiety, depression etc only comes from thinking about the future, or dwelling on the past. If you can stop this, then you will start living and enjoying life much more than you have been - and not even worry about any future relationship.
The trick is, as I have mentioned, is to focus on doing things you like in the present and just enjoying them for what they are. Cook, read, exercise, watch a movie etc...but enjoy it for what it is. Tomorrow never comes, so why worry about it?
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Hi Doggiegirl, how's the positivity going?
Check you messages please.
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Hi Doggiegirl
I'm going through the same thing myself. Your question and surfjourno's replies help a lot. Positivity is what we need.
Surfjourno, could you please let me know the books' names I'd like to read them :=)
Thank you.
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Hi Kiwi - there are few, the only one I can think of off the top of my head right now is 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. It is very good...but it was quite a while ago I read it so cannot remember everything about it. But it is along the lines of what I am saying above, that there is no 'time' - time is an abstract concept that only exists in our minds, and that life is in fact only one continual present moment.
The only problem is, 99.9% of us do not live in the place we are meant to live, which causes unhappiness, anxiety etc...most of us are living in the future or past...thinking about what might happen or what happened last week, yesterday etc..which destroys our ability to live in the present.
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hi, Flashback
I think you are definitely correct.
I don't want to have new relationship just because of trying to get over the previous one because it is not fair to me and to another one. That is also the reason why I think I am scared of having new relationship before.
But i do agree with you that currently the most important thing for me is not to too many expectations or emotions too early into a relationship because I am not clear enough about what I want for my next relationship and not get over from previous one completely.
Thanks for your message. I can see the flash in my life now.:)
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My advice, for what it's worth:
Enjoy being single. Once you are happy and perfectly content being single, then you may allow the possibility of a new relationship.
A rollercoaster would be pretty dull if it only went up. Life can be wonderful and thrilling, if you let it, but that means it will have many ups and downs. If you try to avoid the downs, you'll never appreciate the happiness and joys of the ups. Appreciate the low points in your life, for what they give you, as much as the highs (and everything in between).
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Your relationship ended a month ago, if I was you, I would just wait a bit, eh?
Dont go thinking about hopping into another relationship. Date a little. I mean, just coz you date and you dont hop into a "relationship" doesnt mean you are a floosy!
What is the rush for getting all relationshipped up? Where is the fire? Slow down...mend your heart so you arent a walking baggage trolley!
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Give yourself some time dear. One month is nothing! You will naturally feel like meeting new people soon. Don't be worried it will all come by itself!
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how you get over a break up and start a new raltionship without feeling like youre on the rebound..
wounds still fresh.. im in doubt whether it was my fault or not... wondering where i went wrong....
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you get over a breakup by not trying to start a new relationship; just wait and enjoy being single
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yeah i guess so.. i kinda miss the carefree flirting that goes with being single...
and no one will tell me what to do or no one will get jelo if i text a guy or if i hang out with a mixed group of new people... hehe oh and i wont worry about him shagging someone else whenever im away...
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yeah, and some time in a year or two, just when you're having the best time of your life being single, you'll meet a nice guy with a lot of common interests and activities, someone who won't tell you what to do and won't get jealous and whom you'll really want to spend more time with...
...ah, the good times never last, do they? ;-)
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Hi, doggiegirl,
Hope u feel better now, i can totally understand what u were feeling. i had the same problem few month ago, hopeless, anxious, sad... all bad feeling was my closest friends at that moment. What my advice is be more independent, more smart, more confident, more strong, life will give you reward while you are keeping smile to life...
Don't too worry about the future, life is adventure, no one knows what will happen in the next second, yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, enjoy everyday, no matter what has passed, treat it like an old friend, regard it as a teacher, we should cherish all those experience and learn from them. i finished 2 books these days, i'd like to recommend them to you, "eat, pray, love""be a queen just in your 20's".
Wish you good luck!
Hi, surfjourno,
Thank you for your suggestion and advice, they help me a lot as well, really appreciated. - )
Wish u a nice day!
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thanks a lot Barbara, I am sure there are many people suffer the same thing everyday and some are strong and some are weak. No matter what I believe time can help to heal everything.
I do feel better as time goes by and try to do and find out something I am interested to distract my mind and it does help. The less I am thinking and the happier I feel.
We are both based in Shanghai. I would like to be friends with you.
Wish you all the best!
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I recommend a book which I found helpful - "Mars and Venus, Starting Over". Yes it's written by that guy who wrote "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and yes I know your immediate reaction is to be repulsed since it's so sensationalised, US culture-centric and cliched, but give it a go - some of it is very insightful.
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hi,
Since its opinion time, other then many substitutes for you to occupy your self in order to forget the past that has been a part of your life, i suggest (if i may) along with increasing your hobbies and not thinking too much about it, try socializing a bit.
And when you see someone that interests you, not only the looks but the character as well then better go for marriage rather then having long relation ship and then finding -ve ness and breaking up. Cuz the magic of marriage is when you see/face -ve you will have the power to turn it to +ve.
(where as in only relation ship at the time of -ve situation you breakup).
Cheers. :)
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