Same boat?

Any ladies out there have the same marriage problems? My husband is very much into himself. He's always telling me he needs his freedom, his sports and friends. His ideal life is playing sports at the weekends and drinking with his mate a few times a week, basically he doesn't want to be home after work most of the days during the week. I understand how hard he works outside but I shouldn't be looking after the whole family on my own. We've fought too many times over his own schedule, it's not like I want expensive diamonds or anything like that, all I want is more family time with our kids. He is not a bad person don't get me wrong, but he's very selfish. We've sat down too many times talking through the matters and it just didn't work out. I don't want to change him which I know it won't work this way. The thing is he's always saying if his married mates can follow their own schedules, why can't he...he's already in his forties, I sometimes wonder if I got married to a teenager?! I'm just looking for someone who's in the same boat and I feel like I just need to let it out.

My wife has the same complaints and we've gone through some pretty nasty debates over the past decade, and though I'm not in my 40s (yet), I have to say that it seems to be a common theme. Not sure if you're American, Chinese, English, Aussie, or whatever (you used "mates" as opposed to "buddies" so I think being an Yank is out), but my wife's friends all seem to have the same complaints about their husbands to varying degree. Now I do spend a lot of time at work and do enjoy a pint here and there on occasion with my buds, and when I'm home I spend a lot of time on my computer (like right now) or video games, but I have learned to help my wife out as much as possible on issues like laundry, cleaning, and child rearing though I can safely say that until my kids are older and able to enjoy the things I like to do in terms of sports or any other hobbies, my wife will be spending a lot more time with the kids while their old man enjoy his tennis, golf, and video games by himself.


And yes many men are teenagers at heart, with a hormonal level to match until they're well in their 60s. Pretty depressing eh? Have you tried doing your own thing and force him to be with the kids as opposed to being with "the family"? My wife took off for a week and half (I knew it was coming and took the time off to stay home), and though I was annoyed, that 10 days gave me an appreciation for my wife's daily struggles with the kids and it sort of helped turn my opinions around regarding helping out at the house. Another thing my wife did was to learn about football (the American kind) so she can spend time on the couch with me and my friends watching and even make some interesting comments about certain plays.


Hopefully playgroups and other expat wives could help with the social aspect, and if you ever need to talk to my wife about her rants, I'm sure you guys would find 95% of it are exactly the same.

Let me guess, you're a stay at home mom. Basically, your husband is saying his paycheck should buy him some freedom. This seems to be a pretty common theme. Try to get your husband to take the kids one day during the weekend to make him appreciate them more and how you fare daily.

I must say, I don't know how any guy can enter a marriage not realising that it's a partnership between two people and should be of benefit to both those people. Your husband and his friends appear to be treating it as a convenient way to get their laundry done so they'll have more time to play. I married my wife because I wanted to be with her. Since we married, most of our time when we're not at work (we both work) has been spent with each other and now also with our son.


We share all the chores and responsibilities of daily life but also the fun of that life together. There are a lot of things that I would like to be doing, but can't because they would take too much away from my family. Actually, I shouldn't say "can't", because I can, just to the same extent as when I was single. It also takes much more planning and organisation; there many more things to keep in balance.


At 2.9, our son is too young to join me in the things I would like to do, but I wouldn't want to miss the experience of being part of the things he can do now. That is equally as grand and fun as all the other things I could be doing put together.


Marriage requires compromises from both people, more so when kids enter the picture. Both partners, however, should feel that for all they may have to give up, they have gained more. And both partners should be concerned that their spouse can feel the same way. Your husband and his friend don't seem to have got this memo.

Honestly, this complaint is the same in several households. Back when we were kids it was just a given that Dad was never around and Mum did all the kid looking after. As we have aged and the whole femenist and the hug a tree thing came about, men were expected to learn how to cook and change diapers AND still work and all that twaddle.


Where do you find the balance, right? I think...and this is me saying after watching my best friend constantly earbash her husband...show him appreciation when he does do stuff with the kids, instead of say "its not enough". And sure, like the hubby on here, maybe ditch the kids on him for a week or more...see how that goes! But dont go waiting for a miracle or something. I am sure this hubby of yours didnt become this "way" over night...like getting fat, these sorts of things happen over a long period of time. Change...of a fantastic kind, is more often than not, unlikely!


I know where you are coming from though...but maybe it would give you some peace of mind to simply lower your expectations. I am sure you feel that they are low enough already...but hey...you are not alone there.

men always wants a perfect wife or lover while women is dreaming of a perfect husbund. dont change yrself becauce of him, but i think do some sport on weekends is nice, try it and u will enjoy. always make yrself a new person and try different things, u will keep fresh and yr husbund will notice yr changing...

I disagree with Loyd: your husband is being a self-centred a** and it is up to you to point that out. That's not to say you should "nag" him, but talk to him - hopefully you can both be calm and rational - about how unhappy you are with the situation and how it must change.


If that doesn't work, just dump the kids in his lap and head out for some fun. This reminds me of a story an ex-girlfriend told me. Her father had been a submarine captain in the Chinese navy, based in Shanghai. When her elder brother was born, he was apparently very busy and always had to return to work after dinner. Her mom, a doctor, was getting tired of being stuck at home, taking care of the baby by herself all the time. One evening she marched into her husband's office, where he was playing his nightly card game with his lieutenants, dumped the baby into his lap and said "take care of your son; I'm going out!".

There are many reasons why this could be happening. Not all of them attributed to male selfishness.


itouch

I do not know what is at work in your situation, but I would like to share my childhood experience of my absent father.


My father worked very long hours. 6 days per week and home late. When he was home on Sunday us kids used to stay outside, as they fought like cat and dog. I learned later in life that my mother was (still is) a living nightmare and my father, although he loved my mother, was keeping out of the way.


Another problem, also suffered by my father, is a lack of ability to show intimacy to wife and kids. Some men try to show their love and devotion by being a good provider, as getting emotionally close is dificult for them.


Going down the pub can also be a form of escapism for some men. Although escaping from the wife and kids is not responsible behaviour, there is some culpability elsewhere.

If that's his character, then I'd say she's better off without him. And that "local lady" he ends up with may not be quite what she seems on the surface. Where westerners got the impression that Oriental women had different likes and dislikes, thoughts and ideas than women elsewhere, I don't know. An inability to see below the veneer, I guess.


You say he's a fully grown man, but he sure sounds like a little boy who just wants to play to me.

Thanks for your messages and support. My husband hasn't got a local lady or girlfriend outside, not yet :) I sometimes get very confused by the way he thinks of a family. To him, it's very normal for the Dad to go out playing sports and drinking with his mates in his free time and his Dad did the same thing when he's young. But the thing is even his Dad changed his life style when he's in his forties as he got older and mature. So what is it with my husband? I understand everyone's different at looking at things. I just can't deal with his idea life and thoughts about how he needs his wife and kids on this hand and how much he needs his freedom on the other. Once you have kids, you have to be responsible, I don't want to copy him and leave the kids at home while going out myself. He keeps on and on telling me how easy going his friends' wives are and they never have any problems about their husbands going out as often as they want. Yes, he sounds like a 10 years old fighting with his Mum. I guess there's no solution as I'm a family person and my husband is basically single, mentally, a teenager at heart.

we're on the same boat like a hundred of other women are :) I dealt with my husband and I noticed he changed gradually. He used to drink every other night with his friends, come home late and stinking. We're both working and whenever I come home from work, I would be playing with my kids or take them to the park or playground. When it's my off, I take them to Disneyland or other places I'm sure they'd have fun.


He totally has a different mind set. On his day off, he'd rather get drunk the night before so he can be asleep until 2pm. When he wakes up, he'd check on the kitchen what food did I prepare for him. I felt so taken for granted and warned him that if the doesn't change, I'll have to leave him. I told him I need a husband, not another child to look after. When you reach your limit, you'll know whatever it takes, you just have to say and do something.


When my friend came to HK for a visit, I was out with her most of the time. My husband freaked out and told me that I'm not acting like a mom to my kids and a wife to him by partying for 3 nights in a row. That's what I exactly wanted him to feel and realize his faults.


It worked for me but I'm not suggesting you to do the same. You have to play it by ear : ( Men are so unpredictable. Like you, all I want is TIME. Time to take our kids out, have a little snack somewhere... just like family, that's what we are anyway : )

Actually, Loyd, not a "telling off", but a good talk about it. That's what people in relationships are supposed to do, tell each other how they feel and what they're thinking and listen to the other person - really listen - and have as much consideration for them as you have for yourself. (That goes for her, too: she has to really listen to her husband, to find out why he's having such a hard time growing up.)


Her husband is in his forties, married with children, but he's behaving like he's twenty-five and single. Being in a relationship is a different situation than being single and having kids is a different situation than being childless; not better or worse, just different. I loved being single; at the time, it was the best situation for me. I love being married now and, although it meant giving up some of the joys of being single, I am at a stage in life where what I gained was far more important than what I gave up. Same with having kids.


He sounds like our 2.9 year old son who, when given a choice of this or that, cries and screams that he wants both. Well, we're teaching him that's not an option and maybe it's time itouch's forty year old husband learnt the same lesson.


(I'm not sure if I'm reading you right, but you seem to be saying that, if she just puts up and shuts up, treats him nicely, he'll be more willing to stay home and she'll get shagged more. If so, perhaps you don't have a good understanding of what's important in a relationship?)

So at what point does he grow up and learn to be a man and how long should she wait?


He is behaving like a teenager: he gets to spend his time playing with his mates, while his "mommy" cooks his meals and washes his underwear at home. Maybe instead of pushing him to jump ahead a quarter century, she should do it a bit at a time. Move him into his twenties; let him learn to take care of himself: he can cook his own meals, do his own laundry, and clean up after himself. She'll just take care of the kids and herself.


That will cut down on his playtime, of course, but we all had to go through it; that was part of growing up. And maybe once he has gotten used to the idea of personal responsibility, he'll be more easily able to move to the next step: family responsibility. It may take a few years, but I think there's still hope for him to become a full-fledged adult member of society and a real man.