Posted by
Wiz Bang
16 yrs ago
your family needs counselling.
obviously your husband has deeper issues about your child, and it seems that your communication with him about this issue is falling on deaf ears.
seek professional help so everyone can lay out their cards on neutral grounds
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You are right in what you are doing now altho not before. But its up to you whether you will stand firm. He may one day ask you to choose this daughter of yours or your own family now......Dont forsake her, she is too young to be told or to feel that she is not wanted. She is your flesh and blood but not your husband. A husband can one day leave you and will no longer be your husband. But children will always be your children whether you like it or not, they are a part of you.
Stay with her please, I seen children crying desperately after being abandon. My best friend left her daughter under the care of her mother, she cries everyday for her mom, her mom only visits her. You want that for your daughter. She has no more dad but she only got you. Leave him. Your three children is enough to make you happy, fulfilled and something to go on for.
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cd
16 yrs ago
What a horrible situation, I don't know what to suggest having never been in that situation. but one point is you need to stand firm and stop giving in to him. Don't stay behind with your eldest daughter if they go out, tell him all the children go or none of them do. You need to be the one sticking up for your daughter.
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No-one should EVER EVER ask you to choose between your children, regardless of whether they were with a previous relationship or not. Your husband needs a good kick up the a##se!! He is acting like an immature selfish child himself and setting a terrible example for all the children...even his own.
Your daughter has already done it tough by being away from you whilst she was young. Now that she is getting older, more than ever she needs a mother and she needs to feel love - UNCONDITIONAL love! I know that it is a very very hard situation to be in, but for me the answer would be pretty clear. Either your husband accepts your daughter as a part of his family or I would pack up and leave with all three of your children. As hard as that may be for you, if you let this situation continue all three children will be emotionally scarred in the future which can have devastating and long lasting effects on all apsects of their life (trust me as I know about that one!!)
After all, it's not as though you suprised your husband with the news you had another child, he always knew she existed. As far as I'm concerned if he loved you he would love your child or at the very least respect the fact that she is your child and accept her. Please don't let this situation continue, be strong, be brave and tell your husband that he either grows up and stops being such an a##se or he will lose you all!!
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your daughter may only be 6, but she's old enough to know how your husband feels about her and it will impact her drastically
I"m sure she already has issues concerning your relationship- considering you left her with your mom
You need some professional help and your daughter also needs counseling
I'm sure she feels rejected by your husband and possibly you
I'm sorry for your situation, but I'm really sad for your oldest daughter who is the victim in all of this
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Your husband was very deceitful when he pretended to want your daughter with you, all the while expecting her visa would be rejected. You are both only in your mid-twenties and it doesn't sound like he is mature enough for a real relationship.
All three children are going to be affected by this: the eldest by your husband's rejection and the other two by learning that it's okay to treat someone like your husband is treating your eldest. It's a bad situation and not one you or your children should be in.
Since he has shown no indication of a willingness to grow up, I think the only option is to leave with your three children.
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You have all the support you have, you see.....And from your post, I can see you are a strong and protective mother. Your daughter is your eldest, I'm a eldest too. Rear her and love her well and she will be your Rock. Just like my daughter, she is only 11 years old but she is so protective and caring. She is my rock and not my husband. She can marry someday and leave but she will always have time to come back. God Bless you. With your love to your children, you will be blessed although you might have to sacrifice your happiness with your husband.
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Hi there, I agree with Cara, but I think there are deeper issues at sake. I imagine he is very old fashioned and that he is worried that his family or friends will think less of him if he is with a woman with a 'past'. His ego may be hurt too because he has to face the fact that you not only slept with another man, but had a child with one. Maybe she is a constant reminder and maybe it hurts his ego. Maybe the child looks like the other man and it makes him sad. Maybe he fears you love the eldest more than the other two....Those are my guesses, but of course, I don't know!! It's not fair of him to say he thought the visa for her wouldn't come through. If it were me, I'd work very, very hard to keep everyone together and by that, I suggest:
Tell your husband that you know he is a loving, kind and wonderful man, which is why you are with him and love him so much, and that you understand it's hard for him to share you not just with his own children , but with a third child who may subconsciously remind him that you weren't a virgin when you met him. I'd just wait and see if he responds. Then I'd ask him if his family expects men to marry virgins or if he expected to marry a virgin (no kiddding, many men subconsciously want virgins but don't admit it) or if he feels a little embarrassed that you had a past which brought a constant reminder (child) of it. Let him talk and try to listen without getting angry..I'd ask if the eldest child makes him think that the first man still has a hold on you. If he gets angry by these questions, so be it! Let the anger or fear or whatever emotions are behind his actions come out. Tell him it is OK for him to feel confusion, anger jealousy, or whatever it is, just so long as he knows what he's feeling and that he works towards understanding his feelings and not taking them out on you or your eldest. Tell him you wish you'd met him earlier and you wish that the eldest child was his child and that you want her to grow to feel he is her father. Tell the husband that in your mind, there is only one man in this world who you respect, love enough, etc. to want to be the father of your children and that the first man who only gave his sperm will not be anywhere near the man he will be if he is so generous to open his heart to let her in. She, you, your mother and family will never be able to thank him enough. He would have given your child the best gift of all....a gift of love, family and that would mean the world to you. I'd tell him instead of that child being a burden to him, she could become a gift. If he's good to her, she will be there for him in his old age. I know many adopted children who never search for their own fathers because they feel the man who adopted him/her is all the man they need. I'd also maybe get your daughter to write a note telling him that she hopes he will be her daddy---if you think that might work??? BAsically, I'm saying I'd TRY to make the husband feel he is going to decide to love my eldest child without threatening to leave him, although I would eventually leave him if all of my sucking up didn't work!!!!!!!!!!!!
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MayC
16 yrs ago
notyou, has given you some very good advices.
Sometimes we forget how tough it is to be in "his" shoes.
When your daughter was overseas, he could quite easily put your past behind him. Although he knew about your past, she wasn't around so he didn't have to think about it.
However, now that she is here, he has to deal with the following issues:-
- she is a constant reminder that you had a past with someone else
- he had to instantly become an adoptive parent
- he did not "bring her up" so he is still struggling with bonding
- he has two biological daughters so he has to deal with his feelings of knowing he will favouritise but trying not to, and the guilt of it all.
- he has to deal with trying to explain to people why he has one more daughter and what happened in his wife's past
These are a lot to deal with. Even adoptive parents undergo counselling. If it was so easy to accept, they wouldn't need counselling.
It is heartbreaking for you too.....you love them both dearly and you also hold the guilt that you've had to be apart from her for so long.
Don't forget that this is also an adjustment for ALL the children and their feelings have to be considered too.... your 2 girls who suddenly have an eldest sister.... your eldest daughter who suddenly has to get used to a new environment (a new country, family and school).
It IS a difficult time for everyone involved but give it time. Try to help each other out and try to encourage one another. All families have their problems.... the strongest ones are the ones who are willing to take all challenges together no matter how hard they are.
Good luck.
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maxis
16 yrs ago
It would be a bit difficult for him, but he must try, but not force it.
If she is only 6, then it msut be easier than if she was like 9 or in her teens, and developed attitude.
Are you all from the same race (or not), in that I mean does she look like she could be the younger two's older sister? Does she speak all the same langauges as you all? Does she "stick out" as not having always been in the family?If so, that surely must make it easier for him, and her, and everyone. And even if she doesn't, so what, she still is part of the family.
Is it culturally awkward or embarassing for him? If so, he'll need to get over that (but not easy, will tak emuch work).
I feel sorry for the 6 year old, she has much change in her life and really needs the most support she can get.
I know people who have had to do similar adjustments and they have well managed. Oh, it just occured to me that even my mother's eldest two siblings are hanlf brother and half sister (father a widower) and no distinction is drawn between the oldest two and the next 5 children.
A friend (from PRC), one of her brothers isn't even their's - he was muddled at the hospital - the mother knew immediately (as you would) but the hosptial staff insisted. She could see her own baby in the arms of another young mother. Anyhow, this kid was not even a half sibling,and the parents treated him no different (not the kids, or they were in trouble!). So you husbadm although it willbe difficult (let's not pretend it will be easier and that he is just being mean) - he is not, it will be hard for him (put yourself in the other shoes, and even then you'll never know how you'll react being put in his situation).
It is important that the is genuinely trying - if so you are part way there. You'll have to support him but and not "make" him like her, but grow to love her. This is only a suggestion, but perhaps the next time she falls and skins her knees, or is sad, ir picked on by tghe other girls and school and is very sad, homework etc, try and get him to deal with it and help her. If he can wash her knees, stop the small bleeding, get her to stop crying and get a big hug from her 9and do it all with genuine care lke for either of the other two), surely that will draw them towards each other. Bonding won't happen just on shopping days out with the other two etc - she has to see he really cares about her and no time better than when in need - anyone can buy an icecream or a movie ticket.
But be patient with him too, dont force him too hard or he'll become resentful, but the 6 yr old is number one priority regardless
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1. the person already told the partner about the child even before they were married.
2. the "soon-to-be" hubby had no issues about the child before marriage
the issue of the love child (for lack of better terms) has never been concealed, and if there were any objections, the man should have raised those objections and also should have dealt with it before marriage.
It's not like they had a shotgun wedding, they had YEARS before the wedding. and now the man has suddenly made a 360 degree turn around.
so in my opinion, this is not a matter of patience. your husband certainly has issues that he never brought up before marrying her. and no matter how patient the woman is, no matter how long that patience will take ... what she hopes for will never ever happen unless the man is proactive about facing the issues and his willingness to work on those issues.
it's one thing that he says he will try, but unless the deep seated problem he is having with the child is addressed, it is going to be long and uphill struggle.
the best analogy i can think of is having a cold, you can do all you can to eliminate the symptoms, but have you really beaten the virus?
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The truth is the sun of the bitch is a liar and a selfish bastard. He knew about your first child, but he played the nice guy because he hopped the child will never get the permit of stay. That's outrageous, he deserves a good old fashioned hard beating for making your life a living hell. I don't know how do you cope day by day, but you don't have too many choices: whether he changes and everybody will be happy (but I have a bad feeling about that) or you will get divorced sooner or latter and if you're lucky you get the first child.
I wish you all the possible luck. Mother Nature knows you need it.
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Notyou: I think that's excellent advice and now I wish I hadn't been so quick to suggest there's no solution except dissolution.
Notjuzagirl: you may also want to remind him that a *real* father (and a real man) is not the one who donates the sperm, but the one who raises the child.
Since his parents are so supportive, have you ever discussed this with them? His behaviour is a poor reflection on them; they may want to talk to him, to tell him if he has any respect for them he'd better shape up. (Or his dad could just sit him down and tell him what it takes to be a man.)
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oh, what a horrible, horrible situation - how can one be mean to a child!! especially a child of the woman, he supposedly loves???? How can you just say "we are taking the younger two on holidays, but the older one cant come!" - has he no heart at all! agree with the above - he has some serious issues.. Hope you made it clear to him that no matter what, your child is NOT GOING ANYWHERE, he'd better get used to it...
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You will. It won't happen overnight, but one day he's going to walk into work and tell everyone proudly how much fun he's been having with his *three* children...
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i dont want to sound negative and paranoid, but let's hope that all the "kindness" he is showing towards the elder is not just a show for you.
i would still keep my eyes open at all times until im really really really sure and confident of his actions.
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You have to appreciate the support people are showing you, and even your husband, but let's be honest. What kind of j$%k-off is this guy? Where I come from, we would beat the s#$t out of people like this. How does he explain your daughters existence to co-workers? Simple, "This is my wife's daughter before our marriage, or this is my daughter" (should adopt), or possibly keep his mouth shut. His co-workers probably hate his guts anyway. You are afraid you are pushing him too far? Push him out the door. I do not mean to be flippant but this is mental abuse. Stay strong for yourself and your daughters.
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notjuzagirl: I stand by my assessment. There are a lot of people on here who see things in simple black and white, but you know better.
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ask ur husband what would he do if he was in ur shoes~!? left his kids away??
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
notjuzagirl,
One question - why didn't you fetch your little girl into your home after you got married and before the other 2 girls were born? If you had done that, I am sure it would have worked out & would never have gotten into this situation.
Anyway, I still wish the best for you and your first-born. Your hubby can ease this situation easily if he can feel the pain in you.
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please make sure your hubby is not showing affection towards your child just for show.
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well im thinking not more of a show to everyone but to you, and he's doing something else when you're not looking.
why not you and him just take a "vacation" outside of hk without the kids to talk things through
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Wiz Bang, in light of what notjuzagirl said, I would interpret his actions this way:
He loves her eldest daughter, but still is "uncomfortable", for irrational but nonetheless real reasons, having her with him outside the home. He doesn't want to pretend to be comfortable, because "he doesn't like to do something just for the sake showing it to everyone". Once he has come to terms with his fears, he'll be able to take his *three* children with him wherever he goes, without fear and without pretence.
As I said, from what notjuzagirl has told us, I feel quite confident that he is actively, in his own way, working toward that and it will happen.
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maxis
16 yrs ago
He actually sounds pretty good.
How long has the 6 year old been in HK with you?
He sounds like he does like her, but don't forget he will never have the bond and love that you do.
Some step-Dads are really mean to step children, and the tent in the loungeroom and big bad wolf sounds great!
Lots of Dads won't even do that with their own children, they'd rather watch sport or play golf,and would moan and groan if theyhad to look after 3 girls for all of Saturday - that's men's day, not baby-sitter day some would say.
Curious how long the 6 year old has been in HK....if things are gettign beter step by step that is good.
You have both been to counselling regarding issues of adoptnig, emotions etc right?
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i agree with maxiz and hualan. he's working on it. lots of men would need time to tell everyone about a child that's newly become a reality for him. Men aren't as good with their feelings as women. He said he'd accept her and I do not think he lied at all. He loves you and wanted to be strong enough to accept her, but probably wasn't sure how he'd do, so he probably just hoped your daughter wouldn't come so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. Many, many men and women don't like having to stretch themselves to welcome new family members. Lots of us are kind to in-laws because they're our inlaws. We might not hang out with them, but we can grow to love them. In five months, I think you and your husband have both grown. I would definitely seek advice from the internet or from people who've been in a similar situation. I think your daughter wants a real live dad who is trying and she's got that. Even a biological father won't be perfect. I'm glad some of my ideas in my first note made sense and were helpful. I am very glad!!
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PS. notjuzagirl, you will overcome this. You are an admirable and strong person. You've shown that by working so hard already. I think the fact that his family is so accepting will teach him that he can be too. If his family weren't accepting of your daughter, I am sure it would be much more difficult. I hope instead of expecting perfection at this very early stage, instead, you make sure you praise him and tell him he is already an amazing dad. Telling him that will give him confidence and will help. Just keep talking things through and you'll stay on the right track. I'm also so glad your children look alike! That helps. You and your husband are providing a safe home with 2 parents who are good to 3 children. That's important. Love takes time. Hopefully he won't feel he's unloyal to his 2 children if he also loves yours. It will take everyone time to work through all that. The co-workers will not be an issue eventually. Once he works through his feelings, gets more attached to your daughter, sees that his family and friends accept her and and he gets more confident that he is her father, it will get easier for everyone. Congratulations to you for working so hard to make your daughter a major priority. Many women would have left the daughter with their parents rather than cause friction.
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