11 years , it is so hard to cope

Hi guys, not sure why i am writing this, maybe i just needed few extra souls to listen so i do not feel so alone. we are a gay mix couple Asian 39 and Cau 45.

Been together for 11.5 years, the happiness 11 years of my life ( this is the asian one talking by the way, mike ) we treated each other the best we could have, hardly argue, always happy, travel.... and even have a cute dog name Charlie which we both love dearly. I did not see this coming honestly, did noticed a bit of change since last year, but which couple doesn't after 11 yrs?? well it was fine for me, and i honestly thought i would grow old with him.. He told me last night it is over, he said he does not feel to be IN LOVE with me, but yet sees me as a best friends. I knew it was the end, as i know he would not say this without lengthy consideration. i cried and cried and cried, until no more tears comes out, and he was too. He kept saying sorry, he still cares for me.... which i do believe. in terms of our settlement, I have no doubt that he would be fair to me money wise. we will co own our dog Charlie.

It felt like the world had stop and turn dark. Where do i go from here,? i am so scare, not sure how it is to be without him, yet i spend more time thinking, who is going to take care of him after, he does not know how to cook and clean. I know there is no choice other than moving on, and I will. But it is so hard guys, i am scare of falling asleep, as i know one more day will come without him. I am close to my MOM and my sister so the support is there and also fortunate enough to have 2 best friends that are always there. BUT somehow, it is not helping as i know it is all my own effort that is needed. I try not to fee sorry for my self, as i know i gave him nothing but my best for 11 years, and we were happy. guess things just does not last forever. wish it does. We both agree to settle this in a positive manner, that we can still be friends in the near future, but that remains to be my hope. for those who is in the same situation, know that you are not alone, and for those who managed to get back of your feet, believing in life, happiness again, I'd appreciate your thoughts. Thank you for listening..

My thoughts are with you too. I am a straight married woman, but breaking up with someone makes it difficult to get out of bed, difficult to cope with life. I suggest you set small goals for yourself, like when Friday comes, you go out for drinks with a friend. After a month of healing, you do something special for yourself. I think you need things to look forward to. Please take good and gentle care of yourself. YOu need pampering. Think of how you'd treat a friend in your situation and try to treat yourself as well as possible. Don't lie around and mope too much. You will feel worse. Take care. Bye for now.

Breaking up is always hard, it takes time to heal. Take one step at a time, don't think about being friends with your ex now, think about geting over him, going out enjoying life, get on without him. Eventually, you might be able to talk to him as a normal friend, depending on you and him actually.


I can talk to one of my exs (we broke up awhile ago), but still can't for another one (the recent one).


All my friends said time will heal :) so fingers cross :) go out and enjoy yourself with others. :)


cheers

bye22ca, I'm so sorry... 11 years is a long time. No wonder you are finding it so tough to cope.


Give yourself time to get over it.


I've had to deal with a lot of blows in my life too.... what I tell myself is this.... by torturing myself with hurt and pain, would it change anything?


Friends and family will be concerned at the beginning, yes, but overtime if I don't get over it, who's the ONLY one hurting and remembering it?


You only have one life... it is up to you whether you want to spend it being happy or sad. If being sad doesn't bring him back, then why not be happy?


Life will be full of challenges. We don't know if future ones are going to be worse... but all we know is that life isn't easy, it's not meant to be easy and let's pray for the strength to go through each one, rather than wishing that it would never happen to us (because that won't happen).


The only person that can get you out of this is yourself. Choose your path... happy or sad?


All throughout my life, I've had to remind myself what I've just said......


Good luck.

I agree with kiwi-lj: don't worry about trying to stay friends now; better to avoid each other as much as possible. When my girlfriend in university dumped me, it was expected and amicable and we agreed that we would still be close friends, but I was hurt and every time I saw her it was just painful. The fact that it didn't seem to be at all painful for her just made it worse.


We just made contact again for the first time a few years ago. We're now both married to other people. I found that the good feelings I had for her are still there and all the pain is long long gone. It takes time, but it will happen.


For now, wallow in your grief and burden your friends with it. That helped for me.

I was so close to crying after reading your post, Mike. I do feel for you. And I'm so sorry things didn't work out with your partner, especially after 'investing' 11 years into the relationship.

I wouldn't rush into being friends with him just yet, you are allowed to 'grieve' and be angry with him for a while. As time passes, it will become easier for you to accept it. I was also in a long- term relationship, got engaged and everything then one day my then- fiancee phoned me up and said that he was in love with somebody else. It was like taking a bullet. But if that hadn't happened then I wouldn't have met my husband and have 2 great daughters.

So maybe you and your ex broke up for a reason (I know it's such a cliche). Maybe you are meant to be with somebody else?!

I hope you feel much better, Mike.

thank you so much for everyones' reply and kind words

It is comforting to know that some strangers in other parts of the world would care ,as I am currently in Toronto. It is still tough and my break downs are often. we are still in the same house and he is sleeping in another room. I miss being with him so much, even missing his smell..... :), especially night time goes by so slowly , so hard to fall asleep. Not sure when I can be on my feet again, but I know I will.....I feel. so shameful sometimes being so weak, but the bright side is my friends are very supporting. I saw him briefly this morning and I could not control myself , I can not believe I turn into this mess , so irrational So weak. When does this end?

It will end eventually, the feelings you are feeling just now, everytime you see him...it sucks that he is right next door to your room...

And don't ever feel ashamed by being weak, breaking up with someone you really cared for is no easy task...take each day as it comes, you'll get there eventually.

Or head out for a night at The Barn...


...meaning you may find out that, as bad as you're feeling now, there is a fairly bright light at the end of the tunnel. At the Barn - or some similar establishment - you may catch a glimpse of that light through your misery.


Just don't get too carried away and do something - or allow something to happen - that you'll regret later.

Your letter resonated with me. I feel your pain. My husband left me on the eve of our 20th wedding anniversary and it sent me down a deep dark hole. I felt that I was dying a slow, painfull death. He left me for another, said he still loved me and yes, he cried too. You will get past this but you MUST get out of that house. I know the housing market in Toronto is expensive but please try to find a way. You are just torturing yourself. You can't possibly heal under those circumstances. You must let go of the hope that things will work out, he has made his intentions clear. You are a VALUABLE human being. It is easy to feel worthless when something like this happens. I know all about it. You need to take the steps towards a better life. No one can do it for you. That's the grim reality. It will get better!!!!!

Yes I agree with Pumpkin~ get out of the house! Stop seeing him at all :) It's only then you'll be able to get over him. Can you stay with your family or some where else??


Pumpkin~ 20 years of marriage! That's a long time! it makes me think twice about marriage and all. What's the point of marriage if people fall out of love easily. Yes, the other party would say they still love us, but deep down they're trying to make things smoother and easier for us. Like my friends say, forget about the exs and get on with our lives and have fun. I'm trying to go out more often now, pubs, lounge bars to listen to great music etc, instead of staying at home doing things and thinking about him. I hope you're enjoying yourself and your life too :)

cheers

Kiwi-li, it's good to hear you are taking a positive approach. I used to be a firm believer in marriage but now I have my doubts. We all change as we get older. People re-evaluate their lives at some point (40's?) and sometimes there are consequences. You only have this one life, try to make the most of it.

Hi pumpkin


Pumpkin, at the age of 40s? :P :) I'm much younger than that and I'm already starting to re-evaluate my opinions toward marriage. I figure we can still have fun without that piece of paper.


where r u? if you're in taipei, let me know, you sound like a great friend.

sorry pumpkin :) I didn't mean to intrude :P :) don't worry about my qs :)

cheers

bye22ca

im sorry to hear about the break up. I know it is hard after 11 years. please take care of yourself. after you have grieved for the relationship, you will need to move on. the sun still rises and the time still goes on. nothing stops. i know it is hard to lose someone you still love, but at least you will have had 11 happy years together

Good luck

Update:

Hey! just like to let you guys know how I am doing....well,where to start?

I finally got a new place and moving out in 3 weeks, still hard to face him, but life does go on, for those who is in the same situation YES it can be done, I am still here, still alive, moving on. Thought it was impossible, but If i can do it, anyone can.. We will be changed forever, but in a positive or negative way? it is up to us... I find myself paying more attention to people, things around me, people that really loves and cares for me....I never knew how much some people really care about me, I still cry, but it now becomes part of healing, realizing the reality. now i think it is OK to cry because you will feel better. I asked my MOM "why is this happening to me" she said "why not!" it sounded harsh, but it suddenly occurred to me that Life does have ups and downs.

Without being pessimistic, we really can not be happy 24/7, without pain, there won't be joy, without tears, we will not know the feeling of happiness,.......

I do feel angry, yes I finally saw him and his new friend in MY car, yesterday passing by me. I was so angry, but at the same time, realizing it would be just a matter of time before I will run into them. The anger did not last too long, it felt weird, afterall I really wanted him to be happy, and he is. Few friends have complimented how well I am handling this, the reality is there is no choice... being sad 24/7 really does not help. I owe it to myself and those who loves and cares for me to be happy and positive. The last thing we wanted to have is a negative effect lingering from this negative situation. closure and moving on are essential, trust me - it is not easy, and in fact so hard.... but it does get easier.... it will make us stronger, more loving, more caring and cherish our next experience that life brings us, and it will ...like many people that have gone through the same situation, for most, there are better doors waiting to be opened. Warmest regards to everyone who read or responded my story, it is comforting to know that there is always a universal care from a stranger and we ALL have a genuine caring soul inside us... At last my favorite line from "Sex and the City" " Seasons changed, people come and go, it is comforting to know that the one who will always stay behind is MYSELF"