communication problems

This may seem a little trivial given the content of some of the postings here, but I'd still appreciate the forum's advice on my situation.


I have been married to my husband for a year and we have a 6 week old daughter. I love my husband very much and want our relationship to work. In the 3 years that we've been together, we have both been through an awful lot and I have supported him emotionally throughout - putting up with horrendous mood swings and anger outbursts, offering him considerable practical, emotional (and often legal) advice - (which he recognises and values).


We have a number of things that we need to work on in our relationship (who doesn't?) - but more than anything, I feel unheard and very unappreciated. Whenever I have a problem and ask for support, I'm told that "it will pass" or that I "just need to think positively" - my hopes/ plans for the future/ interests are not discussed even when I raise them & in either of these situations, the conversation will turn back to him within 5 mins. I have told him that I need him to support me emotionally (i.e to just listen to me sometimes) and not to dump on me all the time, but it doesn't seem to get through.


Recently we were staying with his brother and supposed to be going out with some old mates of his - it was to be my first night out after the birth of our child and then I found out it was a lad's night and so backed out but said he should go anyway. He said he felt bad but wouldn't be home late - he turned up very late and very drunk. Today was our first wedding anniversary - I got him a card & arranged for a night out at the weekend that I know he'd enjoy (inc. babysitter) - he got me nothing ... and then tried to turn things around by saying that a) he thought we weren't celebrating it and b) that his head was all over the place at the moment (blah blah blah)... This evening (our anniversary itself) he went on a course that he's just started (which was fine) and had a few drinks with other college mates afterwards (not ideal but also fine as it was the first day of the course) but then stopped for a drink on his own on the way home (turning up late and drunk) rather than coming back to spend anytime or celebrate with me.


These are just minor examples of an ongoing issue. I've told him several times before how unhappy I am that he doesn't seem interested in me and that I don't feel remotely valued - after huge fights (in which he generally threatens to leave) he tells me he's sorry, he loves me, he knows he's been crap and he'll try harder - and nothing changes. I'm at my wit's end and don't know how to make the relationship more equal.


I appreciate the fact that by supporting him unreservedly for the last 3 years I may have dug my own grave and also that men don't "do" emotional support and that I can't expect the level of support that I get from my girlfriends. That's fine and I do also appreciate what we have in our relationship. But it's becoming increasingly one-sided and all I want is to be listened to and thought about on occasion. Any advice on how to break the pattern/ explain the situation in words that might actually sink in - would be gratefully received

Schmidt,


I think busywoman is 100% right. I am in the exact same situation as you but I have been in it for 17 years. The bigger the fuss you make now, it's only going to drive him away. Just remember, your feelings are absolutely valid, you are not crazy is believing that he is not supporting you. He's not giving you the support you need. Going to a professional counsellor, maybe go by yourself at first, will help you right away. After a few sessions, you will understand youself a lot better and you will slowly change your attitude and that in turn will affect your husband's behavior. Then maybe later, you can both go together and get some advice on ways to have BOTH your needs met. Now, I am not saying that you are wrong in anyway. What I am suggesting is the you both have got into a destructive pattern and it takes just ONE PERSON to break that pattern to make it better. It would be a miracle for him to go to counselling to get help (since he is avoidant) so you might as well be the one to initiate the changes you both need in this relationship.


There is still time, do something positive for yourself and for your family. It's not too late to turn things around. I believe that you, like me, want to have the best relationship possible with you husband and that is why you end up having huge fights when you voice your concerns and issues. But the way you are approaching your avoidant husband is not getting the result you want so you need to stop it right now, right away. There is an old saying, only a fool would do the same thing over and over again but expect a different result. (I was that fool.) If you want to get through to your husband, you need new strategies! Be smart, work smart. Don't waste energy doing something that you know doesn't work!


By the way, I know you are feeling very frustrated because you have unconditionally supported him and he has not reciprocated. May I suggest that you don't hold grudges. Talk to your counsellor. Then LET IT GO! This is a gift you give to yourself, not to him. If you can let it go then you are free to try new things and move onto a brand new phase of your relationship. Let it go from your heart, don't bring up past injustices and try not to have hard feelings when your expectations are not met.


Good luck to you!

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. Wise words, even if to some extent, it wasn't what I wanted to hear!