Ventilating anger

i am writing to be able to do something with my anger, so as to not let it destroy me inside.

i have been married for a couple of years.

we have 2 kids, 19 months old and 2 weeks old.

my husband works in a currently stressful industry.

his way of coping at times is to drink alcohol.

unfortunately, that really doesnt suit him, as it makes him aggressive and violent, in words, but then also in action. when he returns home in that state, he will harrass me so i can't even escape him.

and it's not as if i could just leave the flat at those times (if without kids, i'd be gone already). so the last time i locked myself in the spare bedroom but he used the baby's rocking horse to try to demolish the door. the horse got broken, the door needs changing, and i was pregnant nearly reaching term, and the other baby was alseep a few metres away.

i have already said many times that he has a problem with alcohol, as it will appear obvious, not because of frequent drinking but because of his intolerance to it and the fact that he carries on despite the evidence that it can all finish very badly.

he's made countless promises to sort it out, but to no avail.

last night he found another pretext to go for a few drinks. one is fine, but he likes actually getting drunk, and when he's tipsy, that's it, he will just carry on until he's so drunk he won't remember everything the next day, let alone be uncontrollable and dangerous at home.

now, i spotted straight away when he returned last night that he had had too many drinks once again, depsite recent supoosed desire to protect us from this illness.

his immediate answer to that was to decide to go to town and stay in a hotel overnight, blaming it on my attitude of reproaches, of course.

now, it's not the first time he escapes like that. he is a genius of avoidance in so many ways...

i have no idea what he does or where he goes or with whom.

in addition, it's been over 5 months now that we haven't had any physical intimacy. and you wonder... plus you don't feel positive about yourself, i used to have much more keen lovers.

and he is quick to blurt out that we don't love each other anymore, that we never did and only got together for kids, and so on. things that he easily dismisses afterwards, but things that stick to my mind and are rather violent to hear -i'm not drunk- but then he also says things like that when sober, as he just did recently. he also says things such as: you go home, as in, where we live is not your home...

highly destructive for the relationship.

and of course, no consideration whatsoever to my pregnant state (when reminded of it, he will claim that i am using it -as if that fact was totally irrelevant), and no consideration for my short nights -he has taken to comfortably sleeping on the sofa, with the excuse of watching tv for work, or being unable to sleep, but i know he just wants to protect his own sleep from being interrupted by baby cries, that's so selfish and coward it is incredible to me.

with a young one and the pregnancy, i felt trapped in this marriage which appears more and more to be a con.

my own feelings for him obviously have gone very low, with the violent words, the klack of interest in me as a person, the lack of sensuality, the selfish singke attitude, the arrogance... and i think what's the point in making this last.

i feel more and more that given the chance, i'll just lead my life as a single myself, as it is the way he treats the relationship and family. i said so, adding that i dont see why i should give up on my personal and affective life and he said that if i betrayed him, he would throw me out of the window (very high building).

he is only concerned by his job, himself, his alcohol, and his kids if they don't demand too much work.

i've had enough, and i could even add so much more.

i've said before the summer that if we didnt' start a couple therapy, this couple had no chance to survive even in the short term. i dont want to be forcing it, it wouldnt work, and i can only see that despite many reminders, he has continuously avoided to mention it again or instigate it.

i am already thinking of post divorce life reorganisation.

but having just given birth and having a 19 month old baby at home forces me to wait until it becomes easier for me and the kids.

i know that reading this either i'll get comments saying leave him what are you doing, the answer is in your text, or else stop moaning lady....

whatever comments it inspires you will be acceptable to me as you help me already by being there reading and allowing me to ventilate my frustration and anger.

2nd to reply....unable to describe the sad feeling and don't know how to advise. What can I say but ask you to be brave and do whatever you need to do. Think carefully first before taking any action and take care!

hi, it's easy to say leave him as a third party, i know it would be hard to do if i were in your shoes. but like nermal said here, protect yourself and your babies, no matter what happen, you should be happy and enjoy your life.


Divorce is not a big deal these days, figure out what YOU WANT and what's BEST for the kids. NOT HIM since he's acting this way. No men should treat their partners/wives this way.


first make sure no harm comes to u and the babies, perhaps get away for a while??? depends on what you want to do.

Is he worth you waiting for? Will he really change? Or are those empty promises? Think about the future with/without him, weigh up the pros and cons. :)


GOOD LUCK!!!

Dear Isisah,


I really feel sad reading your words, as others feel the same way too.


My thoughts and pray are with you and your kids. You have to stand up for your self and in Hong Kong lots of non-profit organizations which willing to help you.


From the bottom of my heart, I really wish and pray that you able to find the solutions and decide what is the best for you and your kids, the sooner the better.


Take care ,..

I am not going to say anything unexpected but it seems you need to be supported in your decision. So here goes: You are doing the right thing. Don't do this on an impulse that would leave you with nothing on the street. Prepare your exit carefully while you recover from giving birth. Contact a lawyer to know what you can and cannot do, and clarify the details. Very important, involve a few very good trusted friend to help in your preparation and maybe provide a temporary shelter when you move out. Outside view and input will be helpful, and you will need their moral and physical support more than you think. Be discreet as you don't want to escalate the violence. Most of all, detach yourself emotionnally from the happenings if you can.

hiya, when things get even more intolerable, maybe you can contact


www.soultalk.org


they have a safe house for women. good luck

You need to love yourself and then you can take care of your kids. Don't think too much right now because you've just given birth. You need to recover from post natal side effects.


Take care and talk to friends whenever you can.

I feel for you. If you have friends or family that can help, have them come and get you and take you (and your babies) to a safe place. You should not have to deal with this in your post-birth state. Go and be supported by people who love you right now, and then deal with this alcoholic-monster when you have the energy to do so. Just get out now. Don't be afraid to ask friends and family to bail you out. They will do it, and you will be glad that you were able to escape when you did.

I really feel for you. What I can think of is:


A lot of men kind of freak out when their wife is pregnant / has just given birth. Many of them freak out for a while and then calm down after 6 months or a year. Then they gradually go back to normal and you can have a decent marriage. Of course the wife will still remember how bad he was when he was freaking out, and her respect for her husband may be diminished, but if there are kids involved, it's better than a divorce.


So for now I would say try to balance your need to protect yourself and your 2 babies on the one hand, and give your husband a few months to see whether he's going to improve on the other hand. Sadly it can take a good 6 months before you start to see an improvement.


Other things to do: I would advise you contact those crisis organisations now. So that you will know what to do if a crisis really comes, like if he comes home one night and starts hitting you / one of the babies - you need to know what you would do. You need to have a place to go in mind, spare keys & cash etc etc.


Also - if you need counselling urgently it can actually take some time to set up, so you may be better off 'making contact' with a counsellor first. Like the first 2 sessions they just ask you about your childhood and background and only after those first couple of hours can you start discussing your marital problems. So if you think there may come a time when you will need advice fast, you should go through all the blah in advance.


HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER IN THE MEANTIME -


I know what you mean about the anger. You need to really take care of yourself at this time. Counselling will probably help with the angry feelings, but also there are some very good books about anger management - just go to Amazon and type in 'anger' in the search box. The books can give you tips to stop yourself from losing control in a difficult situation.


For general anger really all you can do is treat yourself very well, e.g. by having a massage / facial, going for a walk / swim - try to do something that makes you feel good every day.


To release pent up emotions, write it all in a diary. Sport helps here as well, like jogging or boxing a punch bag or something. I assume you have a DH who can look after the babes while you do this? If not, can you consider hiring a nanny for a couple of hours every afternoon?


Lastly, it can help to watch inspiring movies or read inspirational books. You know the kind about people who've overcome adversity. E.g. "Shawshank Redemption" is about a guy who is falsely convicted of murdering his wife, who he loved, and survived 20 years of jail before he managed to escape. Also "the Pursuit of Happiness" about a poor man struggling in life who overcame adversity to become a successful banker. You get the idea.


I do hope everything works out for you. Honestly, I know lquite a few of women whose husbands went funny for a year after the baby arrived, but most men do gradually go back to normal, and the chances are that this time next year you'll have a reasonable marriage. Good luck!

Definitely move out or get him to, whether you get a divorce or not can be a decision to come later. Others have survived such trying times after all. It all depends on what you can work out with him later, but the first thing is to get you and BBs to safety.

Alcoholism is an illness, and you are living with an addict. He will say anything to get what he wants. Anything he says can be a lie, so whether positive or negative, don't take it at face value, no matter how hurtful OR hopeful.

I'm not for the move out without leaving an address thing, because despite it all, he has rights as a father, and this could be seen as kidnap and used against you in a custody battle.

You must be sure the place you go to is safe for you and inaccessible to him. If he's the one moving out, change the locks, get the lease transferred to your name and don't allow him in the bldg (use Police if necessary, in any case, you may have to prove his violent behaviour).

Whatever contact you/your kids have w/ him must always take place outside of your home.

Do things legally and everyone will benefit. Find a time when he is sober and calm and tell him you've taken the decision to move out/that he should move out, that it is not negotiable, and tell him when it will happen.

He can go crazy or he can be reasonable, only you know what he could do even when sober, so arrange not to be alone and for the kids to be out w/ DH when you do that. If you don't want to/are afraid to face him when he finds out that you've taken that decision and it's too late to talk and make promises, then move out without warning him, but let him know where you're going and why and that he can see his kids (if he is sober), talk to you/your lawyer.

Where you go from there is entirely up to you, but you'll need friends to go through this.

Count me as one of them! (hugs)

Sorry to hear this and sounds like it`s going to be almost impossible to change him no matter how much you want to and try. Trust me I saw it with my parents! It didn`t end in smiles and happyness I am sorry to say.

The only thing my mother enjoyed was the time, just before she left him, when he came home drunk, started to shout and abuse her for no reason and she decided enough was enough and punched him in his face..she was only a small woman but boy did that punch pack some power. Sorry if that shocks people, please don`t right and complain about it I`m just telling you what happened in my house.

Hi. I feel really sad for you. It is very hard you are trying to deal with your emotions and 2 babies at the same time. You need to think about yourself and babies first and foremost. So if you have close firend who could help you and you could be with, maybe you should move out temporarily. If that's not feasible or finance is an issue, if you are close with your parents, you could ask at least one to come and stay with you at this difficult time. Women are physically and emotionally exhausted from just giving birth and you definitely need a support system. Divorce or not divorce could hopefully be settled once you have gone through your postpartum fragile period and your husband during stressful /alcoholic period.

Take care of yourself and good luck!

hey

there is an homeopatic medicine which is pretty good to sort out the drinking problem, try it maybe it helps. But consider how much more do you want to take and if you were aware of this problem why get pregnant?

Get a video camera, hide it, and turn it on just before he arrives on one of his predictable binges. PUT up with whatever he says or asks that night, play nice. Then show it to him the next day, if he doesn't take it seriously, go to the police and see that he gets help. He obviously needs someone other than you to shake him down, like an authority figure. Nothing like a couple of cops to get a drunk guy, no matter how toasted, acting REAL sober in a hurry!

Yes, or he could get so embarassed and hate himself so much that he takes it out on the wife even harder the next time! We don't know that the guy isn't a psycho, and if he is, he's more likely to get angry withe the wife for embarassing him in front of the police as soon as they've gone.

Drunken wife beaters can get really violent when faced with the fact that they are the horrible person in the house.

I'd say use the camera footage as evidence in court.