Just need to unburden myself

i never thought i would be on this site with an issue like this. i am an attached woman and have always taken my duties of fidelity very seriously. i am in a good, long-term relationship. it is a relationship based on practical and social considerations entered into at a relatively young age. i have been fairly happy and satisfied for the past years and have a child. we are doing very well in the material sense and i have done my partner proud in every way - professionally, as a home-maker, mother, care taker of the extended family. so has he in his various roles and he is very attached to me. i care for him as someone whom i have shared a lot, have joint concerns and who is the father of my child.


so what is the problem? i met someone a few months back with whom i became good friends. at some point, i discovered, much to my own surprise and shock that i have feelings for him beyond those of a friend. it all came out (again much to my shock and embarassment). i guess he was as surprised as i was. he said many things over an extended period of time, including that he was infatuated w/ me, that i was fun and good company, that he liked talking to me and always concluding that i was a very good friend and that he doesn't know whether he has any feelings for me and that he wanted to remain friends.


knowing what a false position i was in, i tried to break contact but must admit that it was very painful and i wasn;t strong enough. the long and short of it is that we remained in touch. we spoke almost everyday w/ usually him calling. he has always maintained that he likes talking to me and though he is aware of my feelings, he thinks that should not come in the way of our friendship. everytime we speak, i am confused by his manner and concern and constantly question whether he merely cares for me as a friend or are his feelings involved, albeit not as much as mine. though i know that even if that is the case, it wouldn't resolve the situation as i can never leave my relationship and hurt my child.


This has obviously created problems in my relationship and the whole stressful situation has taken a toll on my health. lately, certain events, of a very painful and personal nature, happened which set me thinking about this again and as a result of which i have again broken contact. i think the problem with breaking contact has been that i have always known that i can reach him and that he enjoys talking to me and this is what makes it confusing and painful for me.


i know it will be very painful and i want to be strong enough to go through with it. my head is in such a whirl and i am so bewildered w/ pain, that i don't know where to turn to and am here looking for help to cope w/ this as it is not something that i can share or even show. i am not looking for pity or sarcastic comments or tirades. believe me i have slapped myself around the head on this one many times but for the first time in my life i feel i am in the grip of something which i cannot control, which is too powerful for me to control...

Your friend likes the ego boost. Don't contact him. It will hurt for a while (maybe months!) but you will thank yourself for doing it. good luck.

thanks, Momi. i needed to hear this. i would hate to think of him as selfish and egoistic but may be that's the case. a recent event has reminded me of how i had reacted in a similar situation - i had told the person politely but firmly and had given up the friendship and i was also reminded of what i felt when that person contacted me again - contempt at his weakness and pity. definitely not emotions which i want to be associated with. i guess the need to keep it all in and pretending has been adding to the stress.

Agreed, he just likes the ego boost.


Also, he knows he can talk to you, and you will come back. Further, by him say he just enjoys your company, he is setting you up for when (not if, but when if you continue) you throw yourself physically upon him. Then he will feel you wont blame him and you won't have your old man come around and beat the living sh*t out of him, because you will think it is only your fault.


He is a jerk, as he knows you want to break it off but find it difficult, and that your relationship is suffering. Believe me, you are so close to going over the line of no return that when you do sleep with him, you will have totally destroyed any chance of regaining your life with your husband. And regardless, he still encourages it!


What then? He just enjoys your company.....he likes the ego boost of forbidden fruit. Maybe he is commitment phobic, and this is his safety zone - who knows? And if you become single, he won't want to know you.


But what I do know is that he knows what he is doing, what he is ruining, doesn;t respect you really and much less your husband. Personally if I was your husband when I found out (and he will for sure), I'd teach him a bit of respect the good old traditional way, and for a very long time he would wish he never had met you.

thanks, Flashback. i have always found your posts insightful. you are absolutely right, it is very degrading to be brought low by uncontrollable emotions. till this happened, i used to think that i have a fair degree of pride and am a rather detached person and not prone to strong attachments or feelings. i believed myself to be a rather distant person who likes rather than loves. i care for my partner and feel safe in his affection. i also have a stong sense of my duty and will focus on the important stuff again.

thanks for your response, Maxis. in all fairness, i don't blame him for not respecting me or my relationship. it is not his responsibility to do so, it is mine. i accept it and the accompanying guilt. yes, he knows this is impacting my relationship and me in ways I cannot comprehend. but i have only myself to blame for letting down my guard, for thinking that there was no danger and for continuing when i became aware of the danger. my only excuse is that i did not seek this, it occurred like one of those inexplicable phenomenon - a freak snow fall or an unexpected cloud-burst. sure he did not discourage me but looking at it objectively, this might be a bit shallow and self-indulgent of him but no where compares with my error and falt. it was not his responsibility to safe guard my mental peace, it was mine and i proved incredibly weak in protecting myself. so may be you need to teach me a bit of respect in the good, old-fashioned, traditional way.


thank you for the kind words, DCnoble. they are like balm to my bruised self respect. i have taken a severe beating on all counts - morally and intellectually. not only have i been wrong but i have also been very foolish, endangering everything that is dear and valuable for i don't know what.


you have made a very good point, Mrs. Gill about duty versus love and i think that's what flashback referred to when she said that someone in "my situation" would be vulnerable to such outbreaks of human emotions (though that does make me feel sub-human :/). like i said, my relationship was entered into on more practical than emotional basis. off course i care deeply for my partner (i wouldn't even be sub human if i didn't :)) but the caring is more in the nature of 'growing into' than 'falling in' love. i value my relationship which is enriching and will hold on to it at the cost of everything because i will rathher cut my right arm off than hurt the interests of my child. but you are right, the committment should be emotional rather than out of a sense of duty, to my partner and i do think i have given emotionally to my relationship but am not sure whether that emotion has been/is love.


Flashback, thanks for the reminder that i should not give much weight to my feelings for this person. rationally, i know i shouldn't and i will try to achieve this. one correction, i don't think i am infatuated with this person. i suspect they are deeper than an infatuation. he said he perhaps was/is infatuated with me.


lastly, thanks to everyone who has taken the trouble to respond to my thread. this is really helping me to put the situation in perspective and has lightened my burden.

thanks, Peggie Wong. i 'know' (and have all along known) that i have been wrong, its just that i need to learn to 'feel' that it is wrong too. i have articulated this to myself many times but the lucidity i have gained by writing it here and reading your responses has helped tremendously. i feel i breath free-er and am getting back my self-control which i used to be proud of before i trampled it under my own feet. i would welcome any suggestions/responses from anyone who has been where i am now and how to cope with the maddening, saddening pain.

thanks, Flashback. i am focussing on those who have so long been the centre of my existence. i want to be back with them completely and give them that which they are entitled to. it is difficult though to not feel a complete fool and it will take me some time before i can trust my own judgement again. though nothing outwardly damaging happened, i do feel damaged and drained and utterly denuded of my self respect and dignity. i am trying to shut out the whole experience for now, like not touching a wound so that it heals. someday, may be in 2 months when i do feel better, i will have to examine the episode to see what i should have done differently. anyway, i have a busy life otherwise and have interests and occupations beyond professional and family-related which are helping. as i wrote earlier, this thread is helping a lot and i am grateful for the non-judgemental way in which you have offered help and advise.

Dear wife, So few people stay married these days. I admire those who work through the speedbumps rather than running away. Children take up time and energy. when your son gets older, you will hve more time wtih your husband and it willget easier. How old is he? If he is demanding, it could be that you are exhausted and the tediousness of having children (although we love them!)is taking a toll on your relationship. The good news is it might get better!

Dear wife.


Your feelings are normal. I think these are the 'speedbumps' of normal living, as notyou put iot so well. You are not alone. It could be 'the 7 year itch'.


Many women, and men, go through this and come out the other side, marriages intact.

If you choose not to do anything with this man, you may still lapse and contact him occasionally. And it is possible you will remain friends. But as time goes by his friendship will become less important. Eventually you will probably loose touch. But you may still have fond memories and that is OK.

thanks, Notyou and Tigerbay. i am working on putting this behind me and getting back to being myself. what has shaken me is the revelation of a facet of myself, a capability for strong emotions which i never suspected in me. i now understand the need to be careful while interacting with people. at present, i don't know whether i will be able to salvage any fond memories but i do know that i feel strong enough to carry on with my resolution.

flashback.. really good points.


Dear "a wife", why not just try to appreciate what happened and take it as a present from the God coz it enriches your life experience and that the a part of meaning of living. You did nothing wrong and the thing just comes the way it is and besides of bringing you some fresh feelings , it hurts nothing , as long as you know exactly what you really want .


I thought life is like a flowing river, it flows so it is alive. During the flow, we daut the flowers by the river , we touch the float grass ,also we block off by the rock on the road sometimes, but we always can find space to keep on flowing. For the things come to our life river, our human are weak to control ,but we can learn to enjoy , everthing ,good or bad . Actually ,sometimes you think the thing come is bad ,it may make you pain but some further steps later , you may found it is the great thing ever happened coz it may bring you something more. Everthing come to our life , every person we pass by ,all have the meanings . Just learn to appreciate and enjoy them and let them flow , let them go .


Back to what you are experiencing , actually I think as long as you really appreciate and enjoy your own family life now and you are really satisfied , other things should not be a bother .

But if you feel confused , you may have to think and ask yourself , is there something missing now in your life . If so , the thing happened is probabaly a sign to let you know some problems there in your life that you may not realised yet , so you can face your own life truthfuly and try to find out how to improve your current life and make it more happier for yourself , for your family . That's why we say everthing come to our life is a present.


Good day.

spot on again, Flashback. i do feel wiser for my foolishness :) life is truly a tough teacher though and i have learnt that it does not pay to be complacent about oneself and also that just because something has not manifested itself is not a proof that it is not latent and will not surface inconveniently. its not that i thought i was unsinkable, its just that i didn't know i was sailing, i thought i was safely ashore :/ it is very unsettling to have all your notions about yourself simultaneously challenged but i take your point about having the courage to go on. i am far from cured though as i realised when the person called today. it felt like a bodily blow and i couldn't focus on anything thereafter...


eshare, i take your point about each experience being enriching and this one has been too. its just that it is still very painful for me to separate the learning from the experience.

i do hope i learn to read the wind and better still chart a course that does not involve entanglements... i am an extrovert in many ways, quick with repartee and enjoy talking and getting to know people but am now afraid of contacts, afraid of reacting or evoking reaction and getting hurt or causing pain. i know i cannot go through life afraid of contacts like a walking bruise but that's just how i feel now.


as i mentioned, the person called and said many things, including how unhappy he is for various reasons, how in the last few days he has been going through a tough time too and sayign that i wasn't there for him when he needed with the clarity i have obtained through here and self-analysis, i realise that he finds me a good support, someone intelligent and interested who could advice him and let him bounce his thoughts so as to clear his head, to put it crudely he finds me useful. knowing this, i still couldn't help talking to him, listening to his issues, helping as i could. the result was that the peace i had so painfully established is broken and i am a mess again. though i keep telling myself that i should look out for my own interests at the moment, i cannot shut him out when he is unhappy or needs support.


ok, i feel better after writing here. as always advice/thoughts/comments are all welcome, including Maxis' on the traditional way of teaching people respect :)

Dear "a wife" , learn to follow your heart but act with your brain. Our brain actually is not as powerful as we thought. Sometimes it guides you to a wrong way and create more pain and confuse.

Give yourself time and space , relax , stay away , focus on what you gonna do instead of analyzing him. You are friends at most ,at least at this stage , he should be responsible for all his feelings ,frustrations etc , after all he is an independent adult , not your son . This is a kind of repect too , to yourself , to him.

a wife... step back and stop acting so stupid. All the waffle will not heal your relationship if you continue being silly. Sounds like your husband and family need some of your attention. Or do you want your husband to act stupid too?

a wife ...you should listen to flashback and RichardHK. The man is playing a mind's game and ego on his part is trying to win the situation and once he's done that to weaken you, he wins and you are left with more guilt and despair than you can handle. It's nice to be admired but never forget that you are married and weight the pros & cons before advancing to the next level. One mistake can cause you your marriage - is it worth it? Even if it's not found out, can you live with it? Life is full of temptations - choices are ours to take or not as we ourselves will be at the receiver's end to the consequences.

Try to introduce your freind to your husband! ( u just told you MET that guy not mentioning how and where. )

Your love to your husband and your kid has been proven and strengthen thru time . . . don't loss it. Dont trade it off with infatuation. You can easily defeat it by focusing your mind on bright things happening on your family, your loving husband and sweet child. . . . I am a happy family man who just happened to pass by this thread.