Posted by
sadsadsad
16 yrs ago
My bf n I have been dating for 5 months now.. Things are generally great between us except for the lil stuffs like him not picking up my calls at times which bugs and annoys me. We give each other space and time to do our stuffs..cos I understand too, that he's very caught up with his work.
2 days ago, Friday, I had a horrible day at work and we did call over the phone after work and stuff. But my phone was flat. I quickly rushed home to charge my phone. However, when I called him he didn't pick up my call...again. I admit I was a lil miffed by it. An hour or so later, I rec a text from him saying he was meeting a couple of excolleagues for a short (KEYWORD) drink. I felt a lil disappointed because I thought he would be meeting me since I was feeling so upset. Anyhow, I told him to have fun..
Before I slept at 2, I texted asking if he was having fun there. Instantaneously replied me that he was drunk. I was shocked n worried so I sent him another text to ask if he was alright. No reply. Another msg. No reply still. I tried to call him. Again, he didn't pick up my call.. I tried to contact him, waited for his call/msg for a good 30 minutes before getting frustrated. I went to sleep.
I woke up at 7 to see a msg from him that was sent at nearly 6am in the morning. He texted me saying he was sorry but he was drunk and was puking for 2 hours (???) before he could drive home. When I read that, esp early in the morning, I went mad. I was seriously very angry with him because how could he tell me he was only doing short drink and stay till so late? Worse, to get drunk? Plus, why was he able to msg me immediately and not pick up my call thereafter???
My text back to him was a rather harsh one. Basically pouring out my frustrations and his insensitivity on not calling me back when I needed his comfort and that I was worried sick when I heard he was drunk. I also said that I didn't trust him anymore and he better hav a good explanation or not to bother calling me back. I also said that he was fooling arnd with me n that I had enough.
I regret sending that msg on impulse but I was angry then. A day came n went. No calls, no texts from him trying even to pacify me. I tried texting him on Sunday, tried calling him as well. No replies.
Until I used another mobile number to call him, after a long time, he picked up the call. He sounded distant, almost like he didn't want to talk to me at all. I asked if he was angry, he said nothing. I asked what's happening, he said nothing as well.. When I kept quiet, he just muttered a "talk another time" and hung up on me. I was upset as hell... Sent him another couple of texts...but till now, there has been zero replies from him..
What's happening now?? I probably over-reacted and maybe I should have trusted him but I acted in a moment of anger. Now, I feel really lost. I dont know if he's "silent" breaking up with me, he's still angry with me or what? Or is he just trying to use this event to leave me.
I feel terrible. Pls advise....
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oh gee totally sounds like my ex.. but besides that, i mean does he care about you? protect you? stand up for you, etc.? that's the most important question to ask yourself.
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kittyctc, thank you for your reply. he finally texted me back saying he wants out. said his feelings for me has changed after his hk trip, though he cant put it down to words wht exactly is wrong.. i guess i just gotta move on from here now..alone.. :(
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This is a straight forward case of : men will be men -- distant, casual, non-committed, and women will be women -- worrying, committed and loving.
Another evidence is the response from the guy above -- Yep.
Can't do much. If you show interest to be back with him, he will withdraw even more. So, just get over him and move on, sadsadsad.
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thank you for your comments, i guess i will move on. maybe i need to rethink the way i handle relationships myself too. but u are right. if a man can treat me like this, it is a telltale sign that he doesn't care. so i will move on..hopefully, be a better gf in my next relationship..
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maxis
16 yrs ago
Sadsadsad - you are too intense and suffocating, and obsessive, and speak in paragraphs rather than words.
Your ex BF - had to "puking for 2 hourse before he could drive home" - that is either complete b.s. or he is a dangerous and selfish loser who could easily run someone down when drunk. I live in HK and him in SG so big deal for me.
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zalca
16 yrs ago
move on honey. x you'll be fine... better find out now that you are not compatable with him :)
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hubba
16 yrs ago
Too intense..even when I read it.. I feel suffocated.. and I am woman.
you build your world around him.. and you world will collapse if he is gone.. (well he is now!).
Men is like flying a kite.. you need to release your strings sometimes.. when it is too tight.. IT WILL SNAP and then it is bye bye.. you really have yourself to blame.
You have to understand.. men need challenge too.. so when you build your world around him... always there for him.. where is the fun? where is the challenge?
Next relationship? forget it girl.. learn to love yourself first..and stop being so giving. You really need to learn to be a bitch first. Cuz face it .. most men.. (those with hunter instinct) love bitches! No challenge if they can read you like a book..
You need to relax and chill.. you can go and have you own fun too.
Take care.. cry your heart out for a while .. and then stand up on our own.. and surround yourself with trusted friends.. to help you to get over it..
book yourself some lipo.. or boob job..or do whatever.. or yes.. buy a rolex.. it always helps.. lol..
take care!
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I think most women, including myself, completely dedicate themselves to their partners/relationships. But, girl, you are too much. You have to relax a little and have fun in your relationship. He was just a bf, and he needs space. If he was your husband, i would understand your worry. But all depends on how much you trust and know the partner. And you can sense that from your partner. Of course, it was obvious your bf was avoiding you when he thought you were being annoying. Finally, he told you what he was about. Move on, and learn from your experiences. And hopefully, next time new bf would be more caring and you less obsessive. Good luck!
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It makes me sad sad sad reading most of the replies here, especially the ones coming from the women. Why are you ladies blaming sadsadsad for hera**hole boyfriend who has got no balls to end the relationship when he already knew that things felt different after their trip???
I'm an expat living in Singapore for 3 years now. And honey, Singaporean men are simply like that. They'd rather let the relationship die a natural death than face the horrible truth that it's not working and you both gotta move on. Falling out of love is not a crime, but pretending that things are perfectly fine is cruelty.
sadsadsad, it's a great thing that you want to change into a better gf. But dont be too hard on yourself. You dont have to be a bitch or try hard to be a challenge to men. Because if a guy is genuine with his feelings and intention with you, he will appreciate you for who you are and not for who they want you to be.
Best wishes to you!
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bing2
16 yrs ago
that's true dreamcatcher, i totally agree with you. i am a guy and i dont like bitches. i like girls who know themselves, what they want, smart, and most importantly independent. of course if you look like jessica alba none of the things i mentioned earlier matter.....hahaha.....
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jeez, i think she got the message already...let her be already...
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it seems that ur bf is so insensitive. u have to let him go, and have pride on urself, don't bother calling or texting him as if ur begging 4 his attention, he doesn't deserve u at all, it's his lost, anyway. it hurts 4 awhile but if u think of his failure as a bf u tend to realize that he is not worth 2 be love at all.
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In all the comments above, the answer lies in these two excellent bits of advice:
"I think there is no point of keeping relationship if it becomes a headache. It should be an inspiration not desperation."
"Falling out of love is not a crime, but pretending that things are perfectly fine is cruelty."
It would have been obvious early on that the feelings weren't mutual. BTW, your bf wasn't drunk, sure bet he was with someone else for the night (this is coming from a guy who can see through it).
take care and good luck, and change your name to "happyhappyhappy".
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I am a christian woman who believes that no man is perfect and so with any relationships..but one thing is certain, a relationship that is based on self will and desires always have uncertainties but if a relationship is centered on God it sure can lasts.
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But if you are not a Christian the world map is very different.
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hi all, its heartening to see so many responses with regards to what went wrong in my relationship. i guess factors could be aplenty. i wont jump to my own defence to say that there isn't anything wrong, but it was b unfair to accuse me of being suffocating n such..because i've never once demand anything from him in this relationship, demand tat he calls me or he pick up my calls or i'll call him till he drops.. in fact, i very much left him to do his own things.
over the phone when we split up, he said his feelings just changed for me after he came back from his hk. he cldnt put it to words wat went wrong. infact, looking back, i caught him in a lie tat he stayed at a female fren's apt rather than him staying at his client's house. still, he insists there was nothing n that he didnt want me to worry so i trusted him. everything seemed going okay for me then so i really didnt see "his change of feelings" coming. now, maybe something happened there in hk. i wont know. and i guess i'd never. if a man changes, i just gotta let him go, isn't it?
so i guess u can all go on n call me stupid rather than suffocating now.. :)
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im not going to call you stupid or suffocating, but what i want to say is this: move on. whatever happened, whether he cheated on you whilst he was away or not, is in the past. you've got tomorrow to look forward to.
goodluck!
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I think he was probably in some ways wanting to get the response out of you that he did. So he could bring to head the "i'm not into you anymore"
Either way, thank God it ended now at 5 months and not 5 years down the track. All relationships teach you something and if anything, maybe its that you will look for different 'qualities' in your next partner.
sorry you are hurting but you Im sure you know that you will be stronger and wiser as a result.
take care
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u've been going out for only 5 months and maybe its juz 2 much pressure u r puttin on him.....personalli wen i go out, i make sure my girl knows nd all dat bt wt i dnt understand is wen i ask her if its ok 4 me 2 go, she sais yes den de next dai, shes all weird nd non-trusty nd all, gets me mad everytime.....sorri off de topic lol.....juz try nd talk 2 him if hes cool wid de relationship de wai it is nd explain hw important it is 2 b in touch wen necesssari, like ur situation up dere....if i were u, ill do de same bt den u replied like a 100 times.....dat will piss de guy even more....u did ur part, nw let him cum bk 2 u, else its finished.....hw insensitive of him 2 nt repli 2 all de msgs u sent......nd a tip: 1 msg 2 send, expect 1 repli.....100 msg u send wid no replied frm him, expect a brk up veri soon.....same applies 4 both sexes....
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selda
16 yrs ago
i can't read this message....why do people like ashaank even bother to reply if they can't spare the time to type all the letters?
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thanks ausaboard for your reply.. yeah i guess so. well, a lesson learnt for myself!
ashaank> sorry, cannot understand what u are saying.
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Some women just don't get it. He called you at work, he then texted you he was going out, he replied to your text that he was drunk.. What more do you want? Are you his probation officer? Honestly, if you learnt to relax, and let him have a "QUICK drink" that happened to turn into a great night out without it being ruined by an insecure girlfriend, you may have better luck. No-one likes to be controlled. Any guy knows, if he gets repeated texts, and moods when seeing his friends... a big fat flashing red sign comes up. It's probably the female equivalent of when a guy becomes starts acting physically threatening. (no, not saying its equal, just talking in terms of "time to get out")
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Haven't read all the replies, but the original post makes me so glad I'm single.
Someone who you are only dating, for 5 months, decides to go out for a drink and then rather than turning on the moan-hotline-device he stays out and has fun - too much fun - though doesn't do anything to harm anyone other than himself.
The saying "the grass is always greener on the other side" is perhaps true no longer - this post is a great advertisement for single men everywhere to stay single!
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Pyan
16 yrs ago
...boys will be boys...men...are those whom shall take the responsibility of being a father and supporter to a family...there is also a difference between a girl, lady, and woman...in the end...we are all born from a woman...if you haven't had a chance to be a mother..than figure out if you are a girl or lady...because even when you get to Nina Wang's age..you still a girl...
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honestly i think you over reacted a little. you guys are only dating and not married so i dont think you should get mad at someone for getting drunk. until he's married he's still a single guy and i know that sometimes 1 drink leads to another.
maybe i'm just being insensetive but after years of being controlled by my ex gf i refuse to be in a relationship with a controling or over reacting girl. i dont mean to sound harsh on you, i'm sure youre a lovely girl, i'm just speaking from my own experiences. i'm sure things will work out and if you do break up then maybe its for a reason.
dont let it ruin your christmas tho
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sounds sooooo much like me, even now, to a certain extent....only now that I keep my anxieties/insecurities to myself and try to play it cool - which has improved the relationship.
can only say that having been thru this phase w/ my guy (having dated for nearly a year now, and no kidding, spent a good 7 months of this time getting hoppin mad at him for always promising to but never returning my calls, and him sorta apologizing and then restarting the cycle almost immediately), I started to realize that men don't think as we women do, not at all. acts which we think are stuff of basic courtesy or matters that he oughta care do not necessarily weigh as much on their minds as they do in ours. and guess what, even I had to admit that when I put myself in his shoes, I do realize that we women DO worry things out of proportion, and that we do complicate men's actions/inactions (and their intentions behind) when simply, they acted as they did because they don't think that much about having to "work" on relationships as we do. sometimes its not that they don't care, but that they don't know that we do expect them to about certain issues...especially when the dating hasn't been that long.
gladly i'd a lot of guy friends who tried to put things in perspective for me, from their point of view, and I must say that most of the posts here from the guys (its obvious who they are) are worth taking a page out from.
in the meantimes girl, move on, keep your chin up, find a hobby that engages your time and interest, and gives you confidence that u don't need a guy to call/his constant reassurance for life to be just swell. the right guy will surely pick up this vibe and come runnin along. be glad that you might have learnt something outta this too.
all the best.
;)
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i believe what jeff said, that he was lying and he was with someone. Yet he was not sure what to do yet with you and probably still bit guilty (on cheating) so he kept answering your texts, but no picking up calls, cos by hearing there would be so much more that could tell and he wouldn't risk.
i am saying this from my own experience with my ex bf, who played this all along for a long time and i was blindly trusting for a long time.
there are guys who cheat, and not give a d..n about others' feelings. a player. Keep yourself away from those once aware. Hard for people to change, ever. Not age, not you, not anything/anyone.
learn to protect yourself, and move on.
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simply...he was just "not that into you". read the book, maybe you'll learn a few more tips apart from the 'experts' above and yours truly. good luck!
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sorry guys and girls....thought this is hong kong, people are supposed to be used to the MSN language. My bad
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Hey girl, don't ever, ever blame yourself.. he isn't good enough for you and you deserve someone much better.. for all the guys out there, if you ever find your gf or wife stop nagging or worrying..it means you're done men!
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hes not the right one for you,be happy just move on,life is wonderful,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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Myria
16 yrs ago
sadsadsad, he didn't reply you, coz he did't really care about you, he didn't love you that much... for this kind of man, you'd better drop him off and move on to your new life... i have some similar experience, it is difficult, because you love him more that he does to you...try to find someone who is really in love and commits... i do believe this is someone who would commit...cheer for us in 2009...
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don't waste your time on this man + look forward now!
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be strong and forget that loser, he is not worth it.lots of good guys out there. good luck
(im base in hk)
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It reminds me of one situation I lived. The girl was great. We had a lot of common interest and i love spending time with her. The s*x was the best. We were not in the same town all the time. I would sometimes call her from overseas as a surprise or send her random SMS to say I think about her.
The problem started when these random acts of tenderness became expected every day. She would get upset if she could not reach me by phone (I explained to her that I don't live attached to my phone). And she started complaining if i did not send her a text message every night before going to bed. I used to get pleasure form my random acts of tenderness but it was not a chore. When she would call I would purposely not take her call fearing she will complain about not hearing from me the night before, etc. The worst thing is she would call 4 times in the next 15 minutes. At this point the magic was gone. It goes to Rule number 5 mentioned above.
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Myria
16 yrs ago
Hi, Nice & Soft, is it wrong that a girl is expecting the sms or call from her bf each day??? if you are in a relationship, i think it's normal that you contact your gf each day, isn't it? if you don't do so, it means that you don't love the girl, if you do love, you don't even need to think to send a sms, but do it spontaneouslly...
i would like to hear your thoughts, as right now, i have the same problem. my bf would not send me a sms or contact me each day, while we date at each weekend, which is sweet and great time for me...i'm really not sure what he is thinking or if he truely loves me, any advice or opinion from a boy's view?
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If you're in a long term commited relationship, it's probably normal to have some sort of contact every day. But I wouldn't go as far as saying if a guy doesn't contact you at least once a day, then it means they don't "truely" love you or are commited to you, that's a bit extreme.
Myria, you've just hit the nail on the head, you said you and your bf only date on weekends...not exactly the definition of a "serious" relationship if he only has time for you 2 days out of 7.
And I also see the point that Nice & Soft is making, it might not be "wrong" for a girl to want her bf to contact her everyday, but when it's expected and made to be like chore, then the fun is gone. Plus ladies, the more you chase, the more they run, so stop chasing.
I concur that a lot of women should read the book, "He's just not that into you". Quite true and funny to boot.
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Hi Myria, you remind me of the situation i lived, i tried to have at least one contact with my ex bf each day, if he didnt text me, then i will text him at night before going to bed or early next morning. We broken up suddenly in the end of the fact that it wont working.
It's true for women to expect contact from men everyday. it was far from enough in eyes of my girlfriends, but it's normal for a man who is not really in to you a lot, though you have great times at weekends, but you have to make clear if he really loves you or just love you for fun. I also questioned myself if he did love me, i was not happy at that time cos of contact shortage. Wish you good luck.
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hhmm.. i am not sure about the at least a phone call a day... my ex bf used to call me EVERY SINGLE DAY without failed even if he is in oversea, but there are times where there is really nothing much to talk about. Nothing exceptional happen, nothing fantastic, just another normal day... this is how the conversation go..
Ex bf: Hi baby, had your dinner yet?
Me: well this is almost 10pm singapore time, dinner is long over dear.
Ex bf: So how was your day?
me: nothing much just another normal day, how was yours?
Ex : meetings with clients, bosses etc.. nothing special as well.
Me: ok .............*silence*
Ex: ............
Me: i gotta go.. talk to you later
Ex: byebye
but anyway for sadsadsad's case.. i am 200% sure your bf dont really love you that much or he have someone else in mind.. so you just gotta move on and get over it... Next one will be better...anyway 5 months is not a long time, shouldnt be that hard to get over.. if you need someone to talk to feel free to drop me a line, me too has just recently ended a relationship (2.5 yrs).
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Myria
16 yrs ago
Thank you for all of your reply on my question. It's true that it hasn't developped into a "committed" relationship, as we've been dating like only three months, though we've been known each other say nine months. I know i have to play it cool, if i leave him alone, he would chase me...but a day without even a sms, to me, it means he doesn't think of me that day...if it's like this, i would not like to develop this relationship. It's exactly like cystalgirl said. I want to text him, but afraid it will cause troubles. Sometimes, he did text me, but it's just like " have a nice dream and good night"...that's it...
Yes, weekend is fun and we go out for movie, dinner, shopping, and i feel love, but i don't want only weekend for sure. Right now, i've been very careful in this relationship, and i play it cool and try to see if he really loves me...
thanks for all and happy new year...
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Hi, thanks for the replies.
No I dont think I was some psycho gf who expects reporting every single hour of the day so I really don't thk the problem lies with me. But yeah, I'm inclined to believe that his guy is probably not very honest to me. Sex with another woman or not, maybe I could be the 3rd party even...I guess I will never know and I dont want to also. It's all ptless now.
Dancing in the Moonlight> Yeah, our conversation is like that, the exact same replica!!! I dont suppose we NEED to talk every night, esp if there really isn't much to talk abt but...well, maybe that's their idea of being bfs. I dunno.
Just to update on the status...anyhow, I'm over him. He's trying to get back into my life again though. Texting me, wanting to meet me etc.
I'm remaining on cordial terms with him still because I just really can't find it in me to stay angry or confrontational. And I dont mind us staying friends.
He really pissed me off however, the one time over sms when he asked if I was sad when he left me. He said that was important to him cos he's very prideful. *roll eyes.
Now, I'm just sorry I wasted 5 months of my life to be with an idiot like that. Well well, life goes on, doesnt it?
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Be strong and good that you have get over, DONT ever let him back again! Cheers!
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was going to tell you he has no the same feeling for you as you have for him. glad he told you by himself which is not too bad, so you wont keep dreaming. i have got hurt recently too which times times worse than your story, the only thing we can do only moving on!
be happy!
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hey, sadsadsad, its time to change your handle as you moved on ! :-) I am glad for you. Forget those people who put blame on you as they dont really see the full picture, on the other hand, it is also important for us to evaluate, learn by experience and improve ourselves - always becoming a better person for your good.
No one is perfect, however, if your partner is annoyed with your short comings and do not see the good things in you, then he is not the right guy anyway. Good partner is one that has a will and maturity to work things out with you and never just turn his back on an issue.
Many guys are fault finding specialists when talk about women, and I always tell them - look at yourself in the mirror, what makes you deserve you ideal girlfriend ? e.g. over-reacting is not only a women thing, many guys act like that too. I hope now you know what guys you should avoid so you dont waste time....
good luck :-)
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It sounds like you are both rather immature and are just not ready to really have a balanced meaningful relationship. You settled for casual ( u mentioned u are not married) even in marriage it is impossible to think that the person you are with is going to happily and completely meet all your needs. If they meet even a few of them you should consider yourself lucky. If you want a good relationship you have to be willing to bring your best to the table too, and spend a bit more time getting to know the other person before you give them your "all" so to speak. Be realistic, most men just do not emote like women do, and are uncomfortable being emoted on constantly.
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Sounds like you have this guy on a very tight leash...better lossen up or he will be gone... Pick the battles you want to win and do ask for respect but stop nagging the guy to death. Nest time he will probably not even tell you he was drunk and sick, because he knows the reaction he will get. Darling there are many women in this city ready to listen to him at any time. My advice is to wake up and start listening to him or someone else will. Good luck
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