Posted by
phoebey
16 yrs ago
My husband is a foreigner. We have been together for a few years. A few weeks ago, he told me there were problems in our marriage and he needed space to think about whether he could believe in this relationship.
A few weeks later, I found out he wrote some words on a piece of paper. The words were for a woman. Obviously, he liked the woman and wanted to let her know. We talked about it and he said that he didn’t cheat on me and he didn’t do anything. He said he chose to back off because of us.
However, he still kept her address and phone number. He still keeps condoms in his bag.
He still talks to me and cares about me. however, can I trust him?
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sicn
16 yrs ago
What do you mean by trust? If it means letting him to take full control of the relationship, as he already does, then no. you can't trust him.
Obvious, your marriage has serious problem. Find out what it is then figure out what you need to do to protect yourself and your marriage.
Take care!
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Why on earth would a married man keep condoms in his bag?! What did he say your problems were? Is he willing to cut all contact with this woman (including getting rid of her details) and sorting out whatever problems in your marriage with you?
He might be able to say he "hasn't cheated" but the definition of cheating is subjective (as proven by the "What is cheating" thread). But I don't think he can say he "hasn't done anything" because he obviously has. He's met another woman, had some sort of feelings for her and felt the need to express them in writing, and even when he was busted, he couldn't just cut all contact and decided to keep her details.
At the moment, he doesn't sound trustworthy. If he actually got rid of her details, as well as those condoms and actively sought to resolve the issues in your marriage, then I would say yes.
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Hi ,phoebey , we never can choose what happens in our life ,but , always , we can choose the attitude to them which affect how you go through those things .
In this case , your husband choose to back off . No matter his promise at this moment reliable or not , he made a sensible decision right now and being truthful to himself ,to your family.
Then you , have choices too - to trust him ,or , not.
It is understandble that you are getting insecure and suspicious , but you got to be sensible , just like what your husband have done , make a choice, present your attitude and be responsible for your choice .
Obviously , you should know which choice would be better for you both , for your family life .
Give trust and space to let your relationship grow is always better than giving suspicion. After the choice ,also think about what you can further contribute to your relationship to make it properous.
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if a man said 'back off' while still keeping her address and phone number, what does it mean?
if a man finds problems with his wife, does it mean that if he has the desire to have sex, he will just prefer to do it with another person, instead of doing it with his wife?
there are lots of misunderstanding in our marriage. we talked and for me, there are misunderstandings. i knew i hurt his feelings in the past as i didnt show enough of my affection to him. i sincerely want to change but he said he needs space. does a man need space if they are hurt and feel tired of trying to improve the relationship? how much time should i give him to think? is he hestiated because of another person or just because his feelings were seriously hurt?
if he said, emphaize that he didnt do anything...why bringing the condoms?
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sicn
16 yrs ago
phoebey: here is my thoughts on your questions:
if a man said 'back off' while still keeping her address and phone number, what does it mean?
It probably means two things: 1. He tried to understand and sort out his feeling towards you and that woman. 2. He is keeping an option of her in case your marriage does not work out for him.
if a man finds problems with his wife, does it mean that if he has the desire to have sex, he will just prefer to do it with another person, instead of doing it with his wife?
Man has needs. If he is not getting satisfaction from his wife, his urge of need is even stronger.
there are lots of misunderstanding in our marriage. we talked and for me, there are misunderstandings. i knew i hurt his feelings in the past as i didnt show enough of my affection to him. i sincerely want to change but he said he needs space. does a man need space if they are hurt and feel tired of trying to improve the relationship? how much time should i give him to think? is he hestiated because of another person or just because his feelings were seriously hurt?
International and intercultural marriage is not easy. There are lots of language and culture barriers that require more frequent communication than others. If one party “get tired”, the other party has to work extra hard to mend the gap. Man does need space to untangle his mixed feeling. During this period, if you want to keep him, you shall give him the space and be very kind and loving. I know it is very difficult for you emotionally since you feel hurt and anger from the existence of the other woman. But you need to realize what the real problem is not lie in the another woman, it is you were cold and lack of affection to him and he is hurt. So if you want your marriage survive, be a wise woman, act sensible and work much harder to WIN him back.
if he said, emphaize that he didnt do anything...why bringing the condoms?
The answer is the same to your second question. If I were you, I would not waste energy on this technical problem. The big question is how you can WIN him back. It is time for you to be strong and be in control for yourself and for your marriage.
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if a man has already feelings for another women, is it still possible for his wife to win him back?
to give him space...when a man needs space, does it mean that he will refuse to have intimate relationship with his wife? what can a woman do if her man needs space?
if he has said he still loves his wife but his feelings have changed. does it mean that it is still possible for his wife to win him back?
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If you truly want him back, you just have to put aside your frustrations and hurt feelings for the moment, and concentrate on creating a happy and easy environment at home. Don't be cold and isolated, it will give him more reasons to leave and be happy with another woman.
Make him happy, or at least feel easy enough to stay, and then he'll want to work out the problems with you.
This process of winning him back takes time, you have to be really patient, and don't rush into some decisions that you might regret later.
You also have to have some boundries, and make sure he knows it. Show him what you're willing to do to keep this marriage going, but if he goes too far, you won't stick around forever.
Just stay calm and don't panic.
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ODS
16 yrs ago
very sad, but once you doubt it, you can't trust him anymore. he keep a condom and talking to another woman ... well. im so sorry, good luck
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
always happy
quote from you: 'how he dare to brake your feelings???' - what a refreshing comment. Yes, how dare him - and what a selfish, mean & deceitful person he is!
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if a man promised his wife that he back off from another woman and he promised that while he needs space, there is other woman in the relationship. however, he keeps seeing that woman and keeps condoms in his bag, does it mean that basically he has no intention to work out his relationship with his wife?
he said he nevers doubt my love for him. but he is not sure about his feelings for me. should i still give him space and hope that someday he will come back or basically i should not have such a false hope?
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
phoebey,
Gosh, you do love him but what a price to pay for it. And the waiting....only you know if it's worthwhile! Take care of yourself - that's all I can say.
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thank you for giving me advice. it is so difficult to believe that a man, whom i believe that he is loyal to his lover, will cheat on me. if, for man, being loyal to a relationship is something he treasured in the past, is it possible for him to change suddenly? if there is a third party in our marriage, while he said our problem has nothing to do with her, is it realy true?
why is he still staying with me now? why did he lie to me and say he needs space and we will see how things go? why cant he just say he loves someone else and wants to leave me?
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ODS
16 yrs ago
[quote]why cant he just say he loves someone else and wants to leave me? [/quote]
probably because he is not sure about the new woman and want a back up plans (you) if it doesnt work out.
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You will never get the answers from him, and I agreed with iwilltry that, if he wants you, he will come back to you. If he doesn't, no matter how hard you are trying, you will never get him back.
Don’t make too many questions to either him or yourself; it won’t help for a relationship like this, or even worse and hurts.
When he needs time, you need time too. Go out meet more friends, do things you like and make you happy then go home. I am not encouraging you to make new boy friend, while I think you can’t at the moment since you still love your husband.
It is your choice to wait for him or not, and there are no such thing of wasting time for waiting somebody.
加油 !
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thank you for the advice.
i read another thread and found similar situation facing a woman. i wonder why people cheat on their lovers. is it realy true that a person who cheats on his/her lover once, he is always a cheater? hard to believe that a honest and loyal person in the past would be a cheater today. is the city lifestyle in HK changing one's personality?
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Arev
16 yrs ago
phoebey,
Regardless the "ending", remember this: you do not deserve anything less. Take good care of yourself even though this may be a difficult period.
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ovi
16 yrs ago
Forget about the techinical questions...I think you should focus on yourself. Make yourself happy, more beautiful...inside out but at the sametime do not ignore your husband. Ask him out time to time. Wear beautiful and sexy clothes for him and for you to make you feel good. Focus on his strength not his weakness. Improve your "bed skills". (Sadly to say but most man appreciate this more than other things). This investment is good for you not only to win your husband back but also for your future. If he does not want to go back to you after all of this, then he is not for you. You should move on. Consider this as you have another chance in your life...
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Lady, everything he's saying is bullshit. He has another woman and obviously is bored by you. He wants to have that woman in bed and there is nothing you can do to stop him. In my opinion he will get back to you after a while. Well, I don't know what "a while" means. That's how he is. I think that if you start make pressure on him things will go worse, you will push him away. Therefore you have two choices: leave him or live with him.
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augusto_the_king,
why do you think that he will come back to me?
put pressure on him...mean i have to pretend i know nothing? smile to him and be a happy wife? if he thought about having that woman in his life, you think he would still come back to me? if his relationship with that woman is not just for fun, i realy wonder if he will ever come back to me.
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let him pack his bag and leave.Let him live with that woman.dump him.and let her ask these complicated questions.
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You know what phoebey, it's as simple as this:
If his words and his actions don't match then you can't trust him, no matter what he says. If he's already screwed up and hurt you, if he really loved you and cared about your feelings and interested in working it out with you, then he would go out of his way to make you feel loved and secure. If not, it's all just lip service. You might want to believe it, but you're the one who'll get burned in the end. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience.
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kailey, thank you. i think i have to make up my mind. i wonder now, if he is dating that woman or actually he prositutes. i am hurt because i see someone i love so much do it. he used to be a good and upright person and i am hurt as now he has changed. feel hurt when you see someone who is doing something that ruins his life.
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sicn
16 yrs ago
Before you make up your mind, make sure you have tried everything you can. So that you won't have any regret. A true loyal and upright person will not change like this overnight. Lots of things must have happened along the way. Also being loyal and upright is not personality, it is a decision. You can't change things in the past, but you can influence his decision in the future. Good luck.
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nermal, thanks for your advice. what do you mean by 'let him learn his lesson'?
sicn, being loyal and upright is not personality? how i can influence him? what will make a loyal and upright man change?
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is it uncommon that it just happens on the other way? after a few months, he may realize he can establish a long term relationship with another woman? if he realizes it is a mistake, does it mean he will be more careful and avoid the same mistake in the future? thanks for give me advice.
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Dear Salvatore Femm
how to handle it? when one still considers her husband as the most important person in her life and care about him so much?
give him a chance or move on before he makes any decision?
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sicn
16 yrs ago
Phoebey,
Your questions make me wonder how much control you have over your relationship.
You wish people in the forum can have a crystal ball and help you to look into your future.
Or maybe you are just feeling hurt and hope to talk to people and feel better?
As harsh as I sound, all these questions you asked so far are not going to give you what you want.
Marriage is not some kind of bargain of who loves who more or negotiation of if you do this then I do that. Marriage is constant hard work, refreshing and a lot of sacrifice. Now it seems he has fallen out of love and you need to help him to fall in love again! How to do it? Just think back how he fell in love with you at the first place. What have changed? I can tell you that the answer 99% is not the other woman. Take care of yourself. Make yourself happy and therefore attractive. Make him wants you again by being a person who is desirable. At the same time, be LOVING and FIRM. Being loving here means even though it is all his fault, you still love him as much. Being firm means no matter what you two need to do to make your marriage work, divorce is NOT AN OPTION! Be strong to hold your ground that you are his WIFE and the ONLY significant other in his life. You are going to love him, take care of him and be there for him no matter what. Let him know he will always have a full plate of you and no room for other woman… On and on….
If I were you, I would be soooo busy right now being a lovely butterfly, taking care of myself, making my home beautiful, having fun with friends and send him an invitation...and no time to listen to other people’ horror stories.
Of course, no war is a sure-win. But at least you give one hell of a battle.
It all worths because what you just said: he is the most important person in your life and you care about him so much.
All the best wishes to you.
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agree with Abuse.
you need try to change the currently life for him and you.
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Phoebey: hope it's help, however, all are in Chinese, very meaningful. and all the best wishes to you.
緣
從前有個書生，和未婚妻約好在某年某月某日結婚。
到那一天，未婚妻卻嫁給了別人。書生受此打擊，一病不起。
家人用盡各種辦法都無能為力，眼看奄奄一息。
這時，路過一游方僧人，得知情況，決定點化一下他。
僧人到他床前，從懷裡摸出一面鏡子叫書生看。
書生看到茫茫大海，一名遇害的女子一絲不掛地躺在海灘上。
路過一人，看一眼，搖搖頭，走了....
又路過一人，將衣服脫下，給女屍蓋上，走了....
再路過一人，過去，挖個坑，小心翼翼把屍體掩埋了............
疑惑間，畫面切換。書生看到自己的未婚妻，洞房花燭，
被她丈夫掀起蓋頭的瞬間...
書生不明所以。
僧人解釋道，那具海灘上的女屍，就是你未婚妻的前世。
你是第2個路過的人，曾給過他一件衣服，她今生和你相戀，只為還你一個情。
但是她最終要報答一生一世的人，是最後那個把她掩埋的人，那人就是他現在的丈夫。
書生大悟，唰地從床上做起，病癒!
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thank you for advice and sharing posted here. i think sicn was right. somehow i wish someone could tell me 'everything is fine' and tell me the 'magic way' to work things out. i think i wish someone could tell me 'if i do this and do that, i can get my husband back' or i wish someone could tell me that 'even if he is doing this and that, there is still a good chance for you'. but i know it's not possible.
i know i need to take care of myself and see what will happen in the future. thank you.
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