I have fxxked up big time and there's nobody for me to talk to.
I have a wonderful wife of 12 yrs. We're from Canada and back in HK for 13 yrs now. 3 yrs ago I had some office flirts (nothing happened) and she found out. I never intended for anything to happen but she didn't believe me. I was very lucky she accepted me again with my promise to never let it happen again. Well, I fxxked up! I had a good relationship with a female colleague just a couple months ago. She took an interest in me and I took it in. Nothing happened other than picking her up for work & driving her home but the stupid thing was I kept this from my wife and she found out. So with my past record, shxt hit the fan!
My problem is, I know I fxxked up a good relationship by betraying her trust. My pent up anger at my own guilt is overwhelming and I don't know what to do and I've no one to talk to...all my close friends are in Canada. I feel a tremendous weight on my heart to the point it's unbearable. I'm considering on going to church or to a shrink. By putting this in writing, it has given me some relief but the pressure is enormous. Has anyone felt this way? Pls advise what I can do? I know I'm seriously fxxked up but don't know where to turn to. Looking for advice. thx,
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Hang on a second - yes, you betrayed her trust by not being totally honest but you weren't actually unfaithful were you? Either now or 3 years ago? So let's get this in proportion - this is not the worst thing in the world.
I think you need to look at why you felt the need to keep this from your wife. It suggests that the relationship was not without some problems (on both sides). You might also want to look at why after 13 years in HK, all your close friends are still in Canada. I'm not making any judgments here (except to maybe lighten up on yourself a little), just suggesting somethings that you might wish to explore.
Some counselling would probably be a good start. You could try St Johns in Central (google them for their no)- they're not religious, very good and reasonably priced. Once you feel that things are a little clearer for you you could see if your wife would be open to marriage counselling for both of you.
Best of luck - let us know how you get on
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maxis
16 yrs ago
people make significant errors in their life form time to time, we all do and have to varying degrees. It is driving you crazy, and you feel very bad and would do anything for it not to have happened or if you had have told your wife earlier, but you have to get a grip.
people's marraiges in HK have recovered from worse states that yours' without trying to be dismissive whatsoever, with appropriate counselling and/or church guidance. It is hard, takes a lot of commitment and forgiveness from both sides, but it can happen.
you will need to be very honest with your wife, and have a difficult path ahead of you. you would have found the attention flattering, although you may not have be conscious of this. However, in view of your history, it is going to be very difficult to convince your wife that this is different to last time.
seek professional help, it will be necessary
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LGMV, I hope you are not married!
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The is an off topic comment but relevant.
To all those who glibly post things like "he's a man, of course he's screwing around", think of the needless damage they do when read by the wife of somebody in the OP's situation.
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I agree: the amount of times I have read '...I don't know of one man who doesn't play around' type posts on this forum !!
Its not really helping anyone..and is quite upsetting to read.
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Hear Hear flashback! I agree that often the advice is not helpful and genuine on these forums. hoyo - you could learn a thing or two from flashback on this ...
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That was a predicatable response
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Screwed up big time - I don't actually believe you. I think you sare guiltier than you are making out in order to eilicit sympathy from strangers. This suggests to me that you are more concerned about hiding from what you have done that honestly confronting it. If so, that is a weakness you will have to confront yourself, otherwise your pattern of behavious will continue. You need to learn to be honest to yourself and then to your wife, and therapy/counselling is the only way forward. Stop looking for comfort on these boards, grow up and be a man. Good luck.
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Normally I agree wholeheartedly with Flashback, but, on this occasion, I must respectfully disagree with at least part of her (?) comments. I do not think it is just a question screwedup's "innocent flirting". He has willingly put himself temptation's way - even to the extent of driving her home, thus giving them an opportunity to take matters further. And, of course, his actions would undoubtedly lead the fllirtee to believe something more might come of it. How would he react if she invited him in "for coffee"? I'm sorry, screwedup, but you're an idiot, you might be flattered by this woman's attention, but grow up and resist the urge to respond. (Or is it a case, as Oscar Wilde once said, of your being able to resist anything but temptation?).
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Dear ScrewedUpBigTime,
I think Kate 71 has a sound point of view.
Assuming that you're not lying about transgressions, then your wife is over reacting. There are a lot of cases like this... an insecure woman, she attempts to control the husband, so the husband starts to hide even innocent relationships that might be a threat to the marriage.
Her reaction is totally unreasonable, but some how you have accepted it, and have started lying to her rather than confront her expectations of you.
Marriages are build on Honesty & Trust. You need to be honest with her, and tell her she is being unreasonable, and tell her what you are up to, and she need to trust. Unless both of you are willing to change, the marriage is already dead.
Good Luck, counseling would be a good start.
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hoyo - no offense intended - I just feel that a lot of your comments on these forums seem to be pro-affairs (ie: it is a man thing and women need to understand a man's primal needs/prostitution is ok for a married man to use!) and a bit hard on women (ie: a man should be the boss in a relationship). Particularly the comments above "don't try to please her". Isn't it part of marriage to compromise and try and please each other??
I agree that a lot of people cheat on their spouses (both men and women) but it is not right to do so and if there are issues in the relationship that lead to cheating then "man-up" or "woman-up" and speak to your partner about the issues which cause the cheating, try and resolve them and if they can't be resolved then do the decent thing and spilt up so both parties can move on rather than continue to screw around behind their back.
SB2
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ovi
15 yrs ago
Dear S,
Please go for a counselling. There you and your wife can explore about your feeling and both of you will be able to work on the trust for the sake of your marriage. St. John is a good place. The number is 25257207. Convinced your wife to go to...she probably has some issues as well about herself.
Dear S
When a husband showed an interest to other women, wife become very insecure in relationship. She will feel that she is not attractive enough, she is too skinny, too fat, too old, too young and she finds tons of reason....then because she is insecure, she can't give you the due attention because she feels unwanted.
You do not stop being person just because you are married. You will continuesly attractive to someone and it is OK. However you need to put this into the right context without putting your marriage at risk.
No need to beat yourself up. What is done is done. Look ahead. Go to counselling and fix things up. Hope things will get better.
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LGMV i feel sorry for the girl you're going out with, if any.
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hi screwedupbigtime,
just one single question to you: how much do you love your wife?
you need to answer this question for yourself, before deciding what to do next.
i can see most of the comments and suggestions here work to a certain extent, but what matter most is ... you.
if you are not that into your wife, not really truly, but are used to the relationship, then you may try Big Pete's approach of self reflection and see if you really want to continue (maybe next 20 to 30 years ... day after day ... because she will be scared day after day too for the next 20 years)
if you are into your wife, really into her, you need to have the mental preparation that it will take years for her to completely forget that ... and she will bring this up everytime you two have arguments of any sort ... and you will need to do a lot a lot of things you don't want just to keep her eyes on you ...... and you will need patience of ulmost extent to finally wait until she's calm again ...
if you truly love her ... then ... years of patience and effort will be needed.
if you do not love her ... then ... there are many easier ways out, for you.
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dear f*cked up man,
sounds like u really love ur wife. but u cannot keep ur head down there zipped up. yes, go to both church and shrink. bec one day, she is gonna leave u and the more ur life is gonna be f*cked up. women can only take as much. trust me. one day she will be so disgusted with u and love will fly out of her window.
stop the flirting; like what wise men always said "if u know nothing good is gonna come out of it in the first place, and u still did it, then u r putting urself in a lot of trouble and disappointment.
who would u want to be happy, that girl in the office who knew ur married and still flirts with u , or ur wife? the answer is clear. then make her happy!
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