Complicated, mixed culture marriage.

where to begin, I met him four years ago and fell in love as soon as I saw him. He was a dj. I think I was in love with the fact that he was a dj - not him. Well we married and have a child already. And we have been fighting alot, I have come to realize that we don't have much in common at all. Dont get me wrong I do love him. See when I married him I married him for all his faults but I thought I could change a few of them......but I think I was wrong. With his job as a dj, I barely see him and after 5 years of being together we have never lived together for more than 6 months.

The biggest thing we fight about happened right after our marriage. He went to work and left his computer on....I know I'm a bitch to have read it - but I was bored! It's all in Chinese but I can understand a bit....I love you is what I saw! When I confronted him he said he didn't write it and that his student uses his computer too! hmmmm BS!! After that he still didn't close it so I translated the whole note, it said "When can I see you again?, what about her?

I dont love her, I married her because my mother loves her.

tell me you love me

pause........

I love you!

My mother said I must marry *** but I dont want to I love you. I promise never to have his baby, only yours........etc. etc..



ARGH!!!!

Does he think I'm stupid that there is no way I'd find out about this. I later spoke to this girl (a dancer in his bar) on qq aand she said it was nothing but she wouldn't answer me whe I asked her if she loved my husband. When I told him he began to cry and sweat was everywhere. but still to this day he denies it. He says that because she is a dancer that she can help him find dancers for other discos etc. he says this is the Chinese way? is it?


We still mostly fight about me not trustig him, why should I he still has not admitt it. Then he says Chinese wy is different. If you saw us fight I'm sure you'd laugh! just through the little English he knows and the little English I use that he knows. He promises to study harder but hasn't. he calls me everyday to say I love you, but it isn't enough. I miss my romantic past. do you think he'll change?

The funny thing know is he's chasing me, I would never stay with someone just for my son but......i feel so lonely.

A girl living with her mother in law who speaks no english and who i dissagree with alot when it comes to my son. My husband lives in ningbo and comes here maybe once a month for 2-3 days. How can I trust him? I also get mad at him because when he does come for his visit he doesn't play with his son. He;s on the computer. I have told him many times to work in shanghai as a dj but he said he can makle more in ningbo. hmmm!! what would you think?

I know I tak things much more to heart then he does is it because of our cultural backgrounds?

is anyone going through the same thing?


I know you'd say leave him if you dont love him,.

Sorry Jessiehamsandwich, this has nothing to do with culture differences and everything to do with the fact that your husband is a player. I cannot even fathom the reasons why he agreed to marry you, unless there was pressure from his family to produce a grandchild. He doesn't take things to heart as much as you do dimply because he does not really care about you - or even his son. Your husband probably has a steady girl friend / sex partner in Ningbo, and short-term casual flings on the side whenever there is a chance and opportunity. Sorry. Try to start looking for ways to get out.

do you think if I learned the Chinese language that things might change. maybe we would have more incommon. I know I put this on myself, but it is true if i'm having doubts then I should do something about it. I think i'm mostly looking for an "i'm sorry" from him.

I've been avoiding him a little,, let him call me that sort of thing, and he has been alot. i think he knows that all isn't right in our world. I heard once from my chinese friend who married a foreigner that if he ever left her then no chinese would want her because she wasn't good enough for a foreigner (sad!) but i wonder. I have told him if his feelings ever change for me that I want him to tell me and of course we'll go our seperate ways. I told him I would never want to be between two people in love. him being Chinese I dont think he'd ever leave me even if he didn't love me. I have heard that lots of Chinese men have a wife and a 'lover'. Peiople have told me to love and forget and trust me I have tried but it's just so hard. We never forget the bad, only the good.


thank you both for your input!

While you are free to express your own opinion, Iwilltry, I have to mention that until about 1970 even HK had a law that explicitly legalized a lover, so called concubine. I think this might give an indication how accepted a 'lover' was in the history of China.


The reason I say 'lover' is because a lover might actually not be for love but for sex. For some people sex = love, but for some that equation is not true. Hence I feel absolute statements like the one from you, Iwilltry, are not always helpful.

jessie ham sandwich: u had a child with this man whom you knew was having an affair like 5 years ago. hmmmm. strange thing to do.


cut loose and run. learning chinese to change things with a man who's never there, who doesnt seem to be making the least effort? ? dont waste your time. u shoul've left 5yrs ago. dont wait any longer

jessiehamsandwich: if your husband really loves you he would come stay on Shanghai with you. How can you live in this situation? Leave him

jessiehamsandwich:


there are 2 parts, the "player" part, which has nothing to do with culture, and the "mother-in-law+son" part, which might have something to do with culture.


For the player part, there's nothing to wait. Get some fresh air, and you may be surprised that you don't "love" him as much as you think, you just missed the good old days with him.Try writing a sort of memoire, and you'll find that's all that's left.


For the second part, cultural difference might explain (not justify!) something - it is not uncommon in china for an extended family to "accept" a man with 2 "wives" particulary when there are offsprings. My late father had 2 wives (3+4 kids), my half brother has 2 wives (4+2 kids). It might not be "legal" but if you have the means nobody is going to bother you.

I would certainly not be surprised if this guy is keeping his relationship with you for the sake of satisfying his mother.

I was so in love.


After I had found out he had cheated on me, he had changed and seemed scared I would leave him and so instead of admitting it he lied - but I think being Chinese he did it to protect me from being hurt. I mean his mom often lies to me too, nothing bad but for eg. when I come home from work I asked how everything went with my son (1 1/2yrs.) she says fine, I find out later she tells me she took him to the hospital to check up on his cold. as for that I think there are way too many drugs used here where as where I'm from we may take one medication or home remedies-but that another story. what I mean is I know she's doesn't want me to worry about anything, same with my husband.


But I have been learning Chinese on my own and one day if I catch him (or if I have proof as this happened over a year ago) then I have told him I will leave. I think I will take it slowly. But you are all right he should move here. As I tell him this he says he can make more in another city as he isn't a top dj like the ones in shanghai but I always tell him money isn't everything (for the chinese I think it is - sorry to any of you who are! - all he worries about is money and I guess the way I grew up I just dont worry about it. or is it because he is the so called 'man' and feels it's his duty to supply?) i tell him we come first.


It's been so hard to get him a visa to canada, I dont want to sponsor him...because of this and because of the money situation...it;s much better here . I just want to get him a visitor visa but the canadian gov. says no - they dont believe he will return here. so I dont know. To sponsor him we have to live in canada 2 out of 5 years but right now as I said thats not a good idea.


Sometimes I think he may have not been attracted to me at all just the fact that I'm a foreigner, but know I really do think he loves me more then he did.


thank you for listening.

i forgot to mention in my first paragraph after he had 'changed ' he wanted to start a family and so 3 months later we did. That has only been over two years ago.


we'll see how hard he fights (changes) to keep this relationship..

Jessie, you certainly sound like you want to work out the relationship despite you have some concerns and your woman's instinct has told you that he's cheated on you. To let him show the best of himself, put all your suspicion and concern aside and assume the only reason he is not moving to Shanghai is because he can make more money in Ningbo to support the family and give you and your son a better life. With this in mind, ask him what he thinks if you, your son & his mother would all move to Ningbo to live with him so that the family can be together. If he doesn't love you, he will probably find all the excuses. If he does care the family, he would say yes. If he says yes, atleast your heart is settled and you would have stronger faith to continue working out the relationship. If he says no, that's another push factor for you to leave him.

thank you. s1339.

I am more puzzled by yourself rather than him; you wrote 'we married' and 'I love him being a DJ, not him'.


You fell in love because he was a DJ; that is a baffling statement. Does it mean you were impressed by his Bohemian wayt of life?


Surely you have matured a little over the past five years and realise now that you married for the wrong reason. Why blame it entirely on him? A DJ is per definitonem a person that leads a rather social life. This is anathema to a woman that wants a regular family life with child.

Most women are very shallow - either marrying for money, or excitement. You married for excitement, now you are reaping what you sowed.

I think the fault is not due to mix culture ,but ur husband himself

flashback made it quite clear, but I would like to add the following. Consider the following scenario. You hit yourself with a hammer and think "wow, that hurted", then you hit yourself again, just to be sure it does hurt. Then, you hit yourself one more time because, after all, you did hit yourself twice and survived...get where I am going with this?


Apparently, you threw 5 years of your life down the pipe, so the question is: How many more years are you willing to waste? and [maybe more importantly] in the name of what? the santicity of marriage? traditions? the harmony of a family?


Are we witnessing the birth of a new Martyr and we didn't notice?


Dear, like flashback mentioned, you need a reality check pretty badly. You yourself wrote that you fall in love with a perception of him. You wanted the dj, and (as I have seen many times before being tried on yours truly) you thought that you could somehow change him into a husband and father. You were looking for a plasma TV in the organic food section, if you get my drift. You know what they say about trying to make a pig sing, and I point this out not to hurt you in any way but to ensure that you understand what you did wrong.


So, lesson learned, is time to move on. You are NOT going to fix him because, as I can see even from where I stand, he does not want to be fixed. He is having a hell of a time indeed! So better just get away of this situation and stop pissing away your life.

I don't consider any parts of my life a waste of time or being 'pissed away' , quite frankly I'm pissing away my life reading this nonsense! AS it comes to be, it's my life and I chose the route to take and will again for the future, I have learned a lot and have loved and laughed at all your anticks - thank you!

Feel free to keep this space open to talk amoungst yourselves as I no longer will.

truly,

me

Jess i am american, married to philipina, i work in usa, but i spend 6 mos of the year with my wife. We too fight but not for your reasons, our marriage going on nine yrs and our love never been stronger. I too played for many many years but I grew up before I met my now wife. You need to decide, i agree with others, he's got a 4-5 girls at least. Face it opps! dont allow your self to be door matt.

I have an English girlfriend with a 'mainland husband'

She came here, looked after his aged mother and father and raised his children. I do not think 'learning the language' was an option, rather a necessity.


He had 2 or 3 other 'wives' but she loved him. At no time did the argument of fidelity come up, rather the number - number one wife , number two and so on.


Her children are number one, she lives a good life at number one, and she is the one the mother in law is around. She is in no way disillusioned that there are others.


This is cultural, and I have no personal cultural parameters with which to understand it. but she obviously does. So, we have the discussions about her rights at number one and we tactfully leave out the rest of the numbers.


Since you are living with your child and your mother in law, so clearly you are number one, truthfully, does the rest matter to you?