Posted by
spinner
15 yrs ago
I have a westerner boyfriend and we are living together for more than a month. ANd now it seems we are going to part ways. Because I noticed that he's always busy writing emails for somebody....which I really don't know. He never been open to me about his friends. Actually, it really doesnt matter. But when I saw some photos from the computer, (photos of a woman) I asked him immediately. At first he said, he doesn't know. But later on, he said it was his friend he've met few months ago. Ok, granting that she is just a friend. How come he is always defensive when I ask him about his emails? Is it wrong to ask a bf about that thing? I just want to know to whom is that email for...he always tell me that its nothing to do with me. He said, he wants everything to be in private. How come he needs to use my computer to send emails to his "private someone" and then when I interrogate him he is so defensive. What does it mean?
Please help me....I need advice.
Should I stick to this kinda person or not?
It seems he is hiding a lot of things from me.
I have no piece of mind.
Are all British people like that?
Please support our advertisers:
It seems to me you are a sincere person and want a longterm relation. From your description, I understand that your boyfriend is undecided at best, or not prepared to engage in a longterm relationship at worst.
Firstly, to answer the ethnic issue 'are all British men like that'? Personally, I think it's not a matter of nationality. Cheating happens in every country. On the other hand, it is my belief that with no family around, men and women are more likely to start relationships with an easygoing attitude (not acting the same as in a longterm relationship), and less likely to work on it when things don't go as they wish. If my belief is true, I'd expect that you might be seeing this relationship pattern that you are describing more often with expats dating locals than with locals dating locals. This doesn't mean that dating an expat by definition leads to a failed relationship, but you must know the conditions that makes a man want to stay with you.
Your other question is whether it's wrong to 'interrogate' your bf. Firstly, use the verb 'to question', rather than 'interrogate'. An interrogation is what the police does to a criminal, shining a light to his face in an otherwise dark room. ;)
You are just questioning your bf about this woman, and being in a relationship it's perfectly right to do that: a relationship should be based on trust and openness. The problem is, although you are right to question him, your bf will FEEL as if you are interrogating him, because he knows what he did is not right and he doesn't feel comfortable being confronted with it. Feeling this way it is logical his first reaction was to deny everything.
The way you ask and the way you react to his questions might also affect how he feels. If you question him about who he's e-mailing, who this girl is, etc with a RAISED voice, then he will feel uncomfortable. If he answers you honestly, and you get upset (angry or sad), he will also feel uncomfortable. If he feels uncomfortable, then it's less easy to work on your relationship. So if you want to ask him, there are two things you need to keep in mind: ask him calmly, keeping your voice down, and don't ask him unless you can handle it if he answers 'i've been seeing this girl and feel happy with her'. If you can't help but feeling upset with his answer, then prepare to say: 'i am feeling upset: i will come back when i feel better', and go to your room. It's much easier to work on your relationship when you discuss things in a calm manner and without being overwhelmed by emotions. Let your emotions cool down before you start discussing things.
It's hard to tell if things will work out, but at least you should try.
Please support our advertisers:
it's your computer so install a keylogger, for god's sake! then you know exactly what he is writing...
Please support our advertisers:
Spinner, you wrote > Should I stick to this kinda person or not?
I think you first need to have a discussion about the kind of relationship you both want. Your interrogation presupposes ownership, and a commitment to an exclusive relationship... Did he every indicate that's what he had in mind ? Perhaps he wants an open relationship... have you ever discussed this with him ? Find out what his intentions are, and then decide if you share the same objectives or not.
Are all British like this ? Hell no, there is a wide variation in behavior in every group of people ..... just because there are many prostitutes in China does not mean all Chinese women are prostitutes. Same principle applies here.
Good Luck.
Please support our advertisers:
If it feels like theres something wrong... its probably because there is.
Hope you work it out.
Please support our advertisers:
Ref the British thing.
We often like some private space.
Ref what is going on, here is an alternative view to the usual 'He must be cheating'.
I have noticed a tendancy in China for snooping and stalking. Following boyfrends, wanting to bug the phone and key logging, etc.
As for getting defensive, this may also depend on your tone. If you demand things, or interrogate, then the drawbridge will come up.
Even if BF is doing no wrong, if you take on the tone that he is, then he will get annoyed/defensive.
He is your bf, not your husband. He is an individual, not a person that you own.
So what does it mean.
Could mean anything, including you are being invasive. A certain way to kill a realtionship with most westerners.
Please support our advertisers:
Agree with most of what Tiger says. I am often asked by Chinese people what the British would consider most impertinent questions ("like how much money do you make?"). We would never ask that in the UK. From a pSinner's bf's point of view, it may be a case of "please respect my privacy". He may simply think "mind your own business" and that S has no right to (as he no doubt will see it) to interrogate him. There may be a simple explanation - which he might feel he has no obligation to think. By explaining on this occasion, it could encourage S to believe that she has a right to ask other questions. (Incidentally, most men hate the question: "what are you thinking?" They want their thoughts to be private. I certainly will never answer that question except, maybe, flippantly). S, perhaps you should simply say something like this: "I know you want your privacy and I respect that, but it does make me feel rather nervous and I would like reassurance that you are not having an affair with someone else". If he then replies "mind your own business" then you might think there is your answer.
Please support our advertisers:
His story doesn't really check out. He's not really into you that much, and don't think this will last... to be honest. In my opinion even if he's not cheating, he's not open with you.
Please support our advertisers:
does it matter if he is cheating? the fact that you think he is probably means you will never trust him. so end of story.
Please support our advertisers:
how many bfs have you had in the past?
Please support our advertisers:
Hi Cookie09,
He is a computer expert. He was the one who installed the key logger in my computer, that's why he can retrieve my password but I can't retrieve his.
Please support our advertisers:
because if he is her first bf, i can understand her behaviour...but she will learn.
Please support our advertisers:
S, how come he uses your computer, - is he not capable of having his own?? I mean, what sort of man are we talking about here？ western, british or otherwise。
Captdave, i really i am not sure if it's appropriate for you to have given such instance involving chinese women, or women in any country for that matter.
And S, no i am afaid my opinion is this person is not worthy of your emotions and time, so far as for the concern of what it's revelated in your msg.
Please support our advertisers:
I understand you must be very upset. Try to talk to him calmly about your concern. His respond and attitude will give you hits to make decision.
Please support our advertisers:
JONAC
15 yrs ago
100% cheating...I feel...might be using your comp and you too!!! Beware Asian girl...
Please support our advertisers:
iwilltry: they are not husband and wife, - there you go.
Captdave, what i meant was really it's not appropriate to have given instance involving china and chinese women, - being one of them myself, the way you did, or any country, or women from any country for that matter.
S: what i meant was what sort of guy we are talking about here, who's not even capable of having his own computer/laptop with him??
Please support our advertisers:
iwilltry
"I dont think its necessary to have 2 computers at home if they arent necessary....
When we're husband and wife, normally you avoid saying this is mine or that is yours...its ours."
I completely disagree with you. My wife does not get to use my computer, I have no idea what settings she would change or files she would screw up on my PC laptop. Conversly she does not let me use her infernal, impossible to figure out Mac. Having two separate computers works wonderfully for us, we view it like having two separate toothbrushes. Same for the kids they can use their own computers.
Please support our advertisers:
A woman's intuition is usually right. Sudden changes in behaviour, evasive answers, late nights without explanations, lots of SMS,etc. Men are very bad at cheating. Women are much better at hiding cheating behaviour because they don't have a little head telling them what to do.
Please support our advertisers:
Spinner, sorry to hear what happened... i was so shocked when i read your post because something similar just happened to me... and i found out i was the 3rd person. When i read your post, I thought you were his g/f until you said "british". I am in the USA. The guy was seeing didn't live with his g/f but w/ a guy roommate. anyway, it is all in the past. I will suggest you to live him before you fall too hard on him... really, from heart. it is gonna hurt, but it is best for you two. He is not ready for a relationship. and obviously he was trying to hide from you. What you b/f did was exactly what "he" did to me. Leave him now, you will feel better than one day he tell you "I am with someone else now." or tell you "if you want to move on, it is ok because I am not ready for a serious relationship with you" then he turns around and go out with another girl....
Your choice. It just happened weeks ago. My heart still hurt time to time. I wake up in the morning and recall his smile, how innocent he looked when he was with me. And i would spend hours to think about the happy times and then peach myself how stupid i was. Please Spinner, don't make the same mistake!
Guys like that not worth our tears. Leave him and find a good man. The bad one is not gone, the good one will never come.
Please support our advertisers:
mydarlingisa: sorry to hear your story too and inspired by your courage and strength. Though for myself seems everything's bit too late... after fell hard on him, - well my "him", for far too many times, and i still can't cut clean with him, in fact, still hold hope for him, - and he's british too.
Please support our advertisers:
I have read this thread and cannot help but think that you ladies need to wake up and smell the coffee.... one's that say they are already in love and cannot cut clean
Where's your self respect and love for yourself?? Why would you let a man treat you like a doormat and be happy that way ?? Find the strength to leave these cheating lying dogs and go out and find someone who deserves your love
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail