I met a guy online. I didn’t think anything special about it, his background was such that I thought romantic feelings would not surface, but there was one thing we both shared interest in, and since it is not easy to find people with this particular interest, we started chatting. He’s married, has kids, busy at work and I guess like in any marriage, sometimes frustrated and disappointed with his marital life – wife more interested in being a mother and housekeeper than wife etc… Work from dawn to dusk almost 7 days a week also incapacitated him from finding or spending time with friends on his non-existent free time.
We found we shared a similar sense of humour, and he said he was very happy to be able to get some distraction and sometimes blow off work-stress steam by chatting with me. I enjoyed his wit and vast knowledge of many things that I was interested in but did not know so much about.
We also met for coffee or lunch sometime, and then before we knew it, we had developed feelings for each other. Romantic, sexual feelings, not just friendship feelings. We talked about it, talked about his wife and him loving his wife and yet being able to fall for me at the same time, and how he loved his family and would never ever leave them. But the attraction was there, and the temptation, especially for me, having been single for some time already, was too much.
We started a relationship. It was online chatting, text messages, meeting for lunch or for quick drinks after work – and when we could arrange it, steamy sex. I was in heaven. I struggled with the fact that he would never be mine alone, but he was too good to me to just abandon; I had to be satisfied with what I could get, because being completely without it was unimaginable for me.
A year went by in this bliss. Then his schedule started getting busier, or so he said. I’d suggest drinks or lunch, and he refused, saying he was too tired, or had something else he had to do. His chat replies got shorter and superficial, he was no longer openly talking to me. I’d sign off with my usual “hugs & kisses” or “love you” or such, but instead of getting my affections returned, he just typed “bye” or even logged off without a reply.
It got to the point where I could no longer fool myself that this was all because he was too busy at work and stressed, so I finally had to ask the question. And the reply was that he no longer had the feelings for me like he had in the beginning. He claimed to still care about me a close friend, and I stupidly clung to that, knowing but not wanting to accept that it was probably just a lie, intended as kindness and softening to blow to me.
So I tried to keep up the “friendship”, cut off flirtation and sexual undertones from the chats, and occasionally suggested to meet for a coffee or lunch. But I always got buffed off, and after several weeks it became clear he was not going to maintain even a casual acquaintance for exchanging occasional greetings or how-have-you-beens.
I have given up trying to contact him as he clearly does not want anything to do with me any more. But I can’t get him out of my mind. It’s been almost a year now, and still every day I find myself thinking about him, reminiscing the good times, and comparing him to almost every male that walks past me in the street. Needless to say, nobody compares to him in my eyes.
I know he’s not worth it, and it would be the best for me to put him firmly behind me, but how do I get him out of my mind – and heart? I do not keep thinking of him on purpose; I just suddenly wake up from my thoughts during the day and realize I have yet again been thinking of him…
Recently I tried going on dates with a couple of other people met on internet date sites, but I seem to be so preoccupied still with this guy that I am very bad company and not interesting at all to the guys.
So was this it? Was he the One, but the timing never really even gave me my chance? Were the moments with him so good that nothing and nobody will ever be able to replace that? Will I spend the rest of my life alone and lonely, thinking of what could have been yet at the same time knowing it could never have been? Please help; I am nearly suicidal with this!
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Was he the one?...c'mon,,, NO he's not the one, he's married, put yourself in his wife shoes? what would you feel? You should have never fall for him, it is hard to get over it,but maybe by thingking and realizing that he's married, he's married, married, he's married.... maybe his wife found out he's fooling around or that he's cheating with another brand new girl. Don't be a home wrecker, He's no good and not worth to think of. So go out the sea and start fishing, if your hook cought a fish with a ring, toss it back in the sea. If you do think it's making you suicidal,you should seek professional help.
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He got bored with you just like he got bored with his wife and he's moved onto another target which he will get bored with eventually too.
No idea if he's the one for you but you are definitely not the one for him.
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MJ1
15 yrs ago
I don't understand why so many women are willing to be the booty call for married men...
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After reading your post, I have only one question: If this dude was "so busy", how was it that he managed to find time to go on chat, dates, etc. with you in the first place? I think it is a mistake to think that you did not have a chance because of timing, etc. Don't doubt yourself!!! He is simply the wrong guy.
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Sad Sack, thanks for your reply which was very frank and in-you-face. Cleared my head for a moment, which is just what I need.
Iwilltry; his wife and kids do not know about his relations with me, so she has not suffered any betrayal – or at least not a betrayal caused by me. If he meanwhile has been fooling around with someone else and got caught for that, then I’m not the one who needs to feel remorseful for his wife for that.
If we presume that he indeed is the player like all of you here suggest, then I can do nothing to stop his family being wrecked. Even if I refused to have sex and an affair with him, he would do it with somebody else then. In the end the responsibility for his family’s well-being and future lies in his hands, not in mine or in any other woman’s whom he chooses to chase.
Iwilltry, you also wanted to question my dignity and respect for falling in love and engaging in sex with a married man with children. I did not leave him alone and find someone without a wife/kids, because I was attracted to him, not to somebody else! And he was attracted to me, while nobody else was.
And if you know how to turn on and off one’s feelings of love and lust, and/or direct them to “suitable” people – and where does one so easily find these “suitable” people – please tell me! The dating pool at my age is poor; and the cliché is true: men are like toilets, they are either taken, or full ofsh*t.
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Most people have some modicom of self-discipline and respect for others which prevents them from having affairs with married persons.
You clearly don't.
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FKKC
15 yrs ago
You asked for it and invite pain to yourself....
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BumpyDog …then, do most married people have some modicom of self-discipline and respect for their spouses which prevents them from having affairs with other persons?
I know what I did was wrong, but why is everybody here hitting me, and nobody seems to care about the other exactly-as-guilty party in this affair? It’s not like I abducted and forced this man to have an affair with me; he was a very willing participant!
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To iwilltry, before we “embarked” on this affair, I had asked him several times if he was sure what he was doing. I pointed out he had everything to lose, while I would only break my own heart if the worst happened. I asked him if he was absolutely sure it - I - was worth the risk. He considered, and said yes.
He made it clear from the beginning that he was not willing or planning to leave his family for me. That was a plain fact made very clear for me from the beginning.
As to the reason why I am alone now and find it difficult to find a partner at my age. No, I did not concentrate on my career, nor did I pass on good guys in hopes of finding someone better. I was married for 10 years, until my husband decided that while he still cared for me, he could not live with me any more and he wanted out. It was not my choice or decision to find myself newly single at this age.
A drowning person grasps at a straw, and I suppose that’s somehow what I felt, when I “agreed” or “accepted” the terms of the affair as laid down by the guy. He still loved his wife and family and would not leave them, so no use to put him to any test, it was a take it or leave situation. And for me, having at least some affection and TLC sometimes, was better than nothing at all. But guess there is no mercy in this world, and I will be paying the high price for those few moments for a long time still…
Those of you who have a loving partner, hope you can appreciate how lucky you are, and that your love for your partner does not one-sidedly disappear over the years, leaving your partner alone and miserable.
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"perhaps ask yourself, why it took you such a long time to find the right one. Were you after your career when it was the time to meet more people in life, or did you meet and they all turned out wrong for you? Did you at one stage met the right one, but because you were aiming for an even better one, you lost him too? There has to be a reason why you are what you are today..."
I hardly think these are the only reasons why somebody remains single at a certain age.
Christelita : It is okay to grieve but make sure you grieve for the right reasons (and the right guy). Good luck.
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though personally i would never engage myself, - yes, never, to a married man, i do symphasize with your situation, as i know how hard it is to get over someone sometimes, - not all times.
some of the remedies above i agree: meet other guys and get attracted to /them attracted to you, - the only way to fill up the void.
men are quite visual creature, get exercise, make yourself prettier, enjoy yourself, and people will enjoy you.
ps. the reason why it's impossible for me to see myself with a married man, is i have to respect a man to fall in love, and married man fooling around, with whatever exuse, is not worthy of my respect, nor has he any self-respect, nor respect to the woman he fools around with, needless to say, to his wife and family. Juat not worth it. In fact they disgust me.
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Christelita, you are going to get a lot of moral judgment on this from many very nice people.
Anyway, let's focus on your two questions:
- No, he was not the one else you would still be dating him.
- And only time will get you over this. 1 year, 3 years, 1 day, whatever time it is, let it be and don't question yourself about it. In the meantime, continue dating other men and one day you will hook up again.
One small side comment: You might want to consider dating guys that you meet not through the Internet.
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Just one more lesson for girls going after married guys...( sorry Christelita)
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the kids not knowing thats prob true...but theres no way the wife didn't know about it. Just maybe that the wife didn want to break the family apart and take the kids away from the father.
I've had my partners cheated on me before and you know right away when your guy is busy with someone else.
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Lot's of advice been given and I do hope that you could learn from all this and be wiser in the future.
It will not be so easy to forget what you had, specially what you really like... People might give you advice or shoulder to cry on but at the end you the one who have to decide what you need to do with your own life.
Everyone make mistake but you have to learn from that mistake you've made and move on with your life. The willingness from within to move on and forget about this "married man" it's the key...
My good friend have so many affairs in his life, I've been telling him to stop all this games but he refused to do so.. you know why? cause He said that he enjoyed it and those girl's willing to do everything for him.. You see, this kind of man will never stop for searching the brand new girl's to play with and yes, he will chasing the girls he interest to sleep with but when he get bored, he just dump her..
No one can change anyone unless they willing to do so... Good luck and I always suggest people to try Yoga.. it's really good for your mind and body, try it!
Be happy as everyone deserve to be happy.. (in good way) ^_^
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Christelita, I am sorry to read about your pain. whenever a relationship is over, there will always be pain and grieve. I somehow understand how u must felt. You are scare of dying alone, aging alone, desperate for companionship, love to love and be loved.. and it is also these fears that make u velnerable to men with intentions.
I think at this point, you need to build up your self confidence, love yourself, as the song goes : learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all", no one in this world is indispensable or iresplaceable, move on with your life, if u can meet a good guy or your soulmate, fine and thank your lucky star, otherwise, enjoy your singlehood and do whatever thing you are most happy with, have some hobbies to keep u busy and content and u soon discover that happiness doesn't has to depend entirely on another human beings.
Flashback has very good input, exactly my thought, hope you get over this soon and enjoy your life, life is too short to be unhappy..
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YLR
15 yrs ago
Okay, I have gone through the advices, which are positively good.
I would like to look at this from a different angle:
During your relationship with this guy, he is one taking the lead, and you just followed. You have no idea where you really stand and did not make real efforts/strategy to catch his heart, not only his body.
There are so many women out there like you, so you don't really have an edge. So when he had one replaced you, he moved on.
You are a "good" girl happened to a "mistress", but I don't think you really got the enough ability/skills to handle that kind of relationship. Jack Kennedy said once" there are two type of women in the world: the one you marry and those you sleep with". Think about it, don't blame others, look hard at yourself then you might do better in the future. Life/love/nothing has a guarantee in this world. Be strong.
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Mr Hong Kong, Nermal, Flashback, Hoyo, Ms Goodwill, Amparo Kia; thank you all for your kind words and advice. Your supportive and understanding messages actually brought tears in my eyes.
Mtbeauty, right, so now I know what I am… But could you still also tell me what, in your country, are the men like this married guy who had an affair with me known as? And if you were the wife of this man, what would you wish upon him? Would you tearfully commiserate your poor dear husband’s awful fate, being totally against his own will drawn into the claws of a pest and a parasite? I mean, f*cking someone else than you, his wife, that little discretion of course did not cause any hurt to you and your kids? It was only the other woman who caused all the hurt.
Fizzfuzz, what I meant with the timing was that if I had met him before he met and married his wife… just wondering what could have happened… even a busy person can arrange time for something important, so as long as he was interested in me, he was able to make time for the chats and dates. But when he dropped me off his radar (or a new target appeared on it), he no longer “had time” for me.
If only I had hard proof that he is still cheating on his wife with someone else, then I could at least hate him for the lying cheat he is, and that would help me put him behind me! But he did a very good job presenting that I was the first and only discretion in his married life, and I am a fool enough to want to believe it. --- Anybody out there with free time in their hands to do some amateur private investigating...?
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Christelita,
looks my previous msg was not so much appreciated yet i was just telling my truth, - what is true to me and with a heart to help, as i do think i know how hard it can be having to get over someone, - well have done it once and trying now again ( with different guys).
well i have been in both ends of a break up, i know when you "in love" and how hard it is to put an end to it. you just keep wanting, keeping holding false hopes.
So allow me to dare another piece here see if we could see it from another perspective: he's just a player, all he wanted was good time: sex, your affections for him, feeling good about himself etc; he's never been in love with you; he has always been in good control of himself, his feelings, and you and yours ,hence the whole situation; he made you feel that you were special so that he could enjoy you more; next time (now or later) he'll do/say the same or whatever needed to get what he wants yet the bottom line is it's just a game to him, that that could never be bigger than his marriage, as it seems so far.
could it be that he got concerned as obviously he realised that you got more serious and involved? think about it.
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Dear Christelita,
I have the same view with olivo 08, please be strong and accept the fact is that he's not into you.
Please don't do another mistake in life... Why do you need a private investigator in this case? We all just a stranger in this forum and people just giving the best advice they could to help others.
Just leave him once for all.. he's not worth it for any cost. Hiring the PI will not make you feel better, trust me on this! Incase you need someone to talk, please PM me.. take care and stop feeling sorry for your self.. as I said earlier that everyone made a mistake, but never look back to the things which will hurt and make us feeling unworthy..
Have a blessed day..
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Christelita,
the thing for u to do now is LET GO, accept the fact that you two are not meant for each other, do not look back or think back like what went wrong, why me? if only... all those silly questions, cause it will only drives u nuts and it won't help...
divert your attention to something interesting, go out and pls don't ever think of suicide or hiring PI or do whatever thing that is related to him, how can you forget him when all the things u are doing is related to him? that is completely unneccessary, trust me, even if he is not married, it doesn't guarantee the two of you together will have a happy ending, right?
If you feel lonely and need someone to talk to, PM me, I am good at telling jokes...
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SVicY
15 yrs ago
"If you dont love yourself, no one will"
the best way of gettin over a relationship is to move on, if you dwell too much on your past relationship you'll miss out your next chance.
you have to stop putting love on someone who has decided not to love you back, your best quality and confidence can only show when you love yourself. Yes its hard and it'll take time, but we all believe what we want to believe (like, he actually still loves me, im an exception for him, we still have a chance, he is the one....blah blah)
the reason we have relationship is to be happy (at least thats what i think) , ask yourself, are you happy? dont try to think or prove if this guy is good or bad.its not what matteres......if this men reallly is 'the one', would he brings you so much sorrow?
i think you should know the answer to yourself.
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ldavy
15 yrs ago
Just bear this in mind, will you? However much you hurt now, it will stop. That's a promise. I'm not going to get into details in public, but you are welcome to send me a pm if you'd like to. But take it from me, it will get better and you will be fine, and you will be happy again.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
Enough said about right and wrong here. A deeper issue might be that you are suffering from a low self-esteem that might or might not be caused by previous failed relationships, or the fact that you are older leads to less chance for men, which I disagree. I hope you can make yourself to seek professional help and sort out some of things in your past and heal the wound.
I noticed women seem to suffer emotionally much worse than men do when it comes to love-lost. The reason may be women tend to give away (or give up) too much power for men to let them control their happiness. Men in general have a lot more control of their emotions. Plus they have a lot of extra activities to make up their lives like sports, guys’ night out, hobbies… not to mention that long working hours that build up their egos. So women, why wouldn’t you do the same? Put the men thing aside. Go out to have your own fun! Travel alone, girls’ night out, exercise, focusing on your kids, put more hours at work, and spend more quality time with your parents, decorate your room, find some hobbies, make more friends… And about the sex department: like Madonna once said, women have p%*us too. Men (not all) are selfish, you can too. Just don’t take the same path that leads you to this no-win situation again. I am not suggesting you to choose a life ahead without a relationship. The point is to see the fact that it is your life and you owe the power of happiness to yourself. Since there is no man in your life now, it is a perfect time to explore this precious freedom. Don’t be afraid of the power in your hand. If you are not afraid of dying, what is the big deal of making yourself into a happy being? Use your power and make it an extraordinary quality of your own. It won’t take long that you will find this wonderful new dimension of your life that most of the married or attached women never know they can have.
The decent available men are still around. They are just mature and smart enough to keep themselves away from women who need men more than loving themselves. When the time comes, you will see why.
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I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for you. When my husband had an affair I wanted to find the woman and beat her to the point where she would be permanently disfigured. That way, every time she looked in the mirror she would be reminded of how much pain and suffering she caused. You are nothing more then a prostitute. I can't believe you want to hire a PI. It's all about you isn't it. Poor me, poor me, poor me. Cry me a river.
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Christelita, everything will get better in time...Time heals all wounds... Pain is just at the start, you'll get used to it until you get numb..Right guy will come in the right time...It's not you loss it his, he lost a friend...Good luck!
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bcc100
I never once said that I didn't contribute to my marital problems. I never once asked for your sympathy. It takes two to make a relationship work. I'm not delusional. Having said that, NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. Are you telling me that someone getting a promotion at work is no different then someone having an affair? Get a grip. My husband's affair caused me immeasurable pain. You can't possibly equate that with losing out on a promotion. You clearly have alot to learn in life. As for beating the other woman to disfigurement, I stand by what I said. These women know exactly what they are doing and exactly who they are hurting. You're living in some sort of fantasy world if you think otherwise.
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You give your love and your self to this man are you expecting something in return???? knowing the fact that he will never leave his family.
You feel hurt because your were cheated or you feel hurt because it didnt goes to your expectation that this man will be yours forever.
I think you should evaluate your self first... and next time if you give dont expect something in return because it hurts a lot!!!! be happy and treasure the moment while you were with this man because even it is not true love for him he make you special. Remember strong timber is created in a stormy weather... so try to learn from your mistake so move on to the next chapter of your life and dont afraid to love again and be loved because this is the greatest gift that was given to us... if you decided not fall in love again because your hurt then seems to me you dont want to be happy again.
thought for you "Our feeling is base on the Image and sound we store in our mind, once you change the Image and sound you change what you feel".
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Pumkin,
You are so full of hatred and pain and revenge that it seeps thru from every word you type. It seems to me you have not even started on the long process of tackling your husband’s adultery. Are you still together with your husband? Did he explain to you why the affair happened, and was he genuinely sorry for it? If you are not able to thoroughly discuss the whole sorry mess with him, it will be so much more difficult for you to ever recover from it. A good marriage counselor might be of big help for you. Do it, before your hatred poisons you beyond recovery!
As for the other women knowing exactly what they are doing and who they are hurting, it is not necessarily so. Of course it is easy for you to have a handy scapegoat to point a finger at and blame for the failure of your marriage, but many men lie and say they are single or divorced, and the women have no idea they are in fact (unwilling) part of an extra-marital affair. Beating an unsuspecting other woman to disfigurement would certainly be considered a crime, and I doubt the judge would think your “marital jealousy” an mitigating factor in sentencing. Can you know for sure your husband did not claim to the other woman to be unattached? For sure, upon getting caught he will tell YOU that the evil other woman knew he was married but continued with the affair anyway. He would say anything he can think of, whether true or not, if he still tries to stay in your good favors, wouldn’t he?
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sicn
15 yrs ago
Christelita,
As much as pain that man conflicted on you, his wife may have felt the same or even morse. You can pick yourself up and move on and maybe the other woman can't since they have family and kids invloved. They are the family of choice. And you had the choice of not to get involved.
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Christelia - interesting that you feel in a position to give advice.
You certainly did know that your lover was married and you even knew he had no intention of leaving his family - yet you went ahead and had an affair with him anyway.
Why were you surprised when the affair ended?
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Christelita, i would imagine in majority of cases men have misrepresented their status as single/ divorced when commencing an affair with a single woman, and probably taken advantage of a vulnerable stage the women may be passing through. The emotional outbursts you have had to endure i believe are misplaced, and if anyone should be permanently disfigured, it should be the spouse and not the other women/ man
I would feel no animosity towards the interloper but would hold the errant spouse responsible.
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Christelita dear, i did feel sorry for you reading your first post. I swear. I know how a broken heart feels; even I am a man 40 years old....
BUT: reading your post, 1 day ago, the way you tell others, Pumpkin, how to take care of her feelings....Well...It sounds tough, but.....you knew he was taken....as long as you are not aware of your behaviour and the possible consequenses to others, I guess you need to keep walking the suffering road....Others would have loved to get you out of there, but looking at your comment you are not ready for that. A lack of thinking will keep you crawling suffering....so sorry, but I guess you deserve......
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hi Christelita
I've seen somewhere in the other thread one women asking for advise how to get over his husband's illegal affair with another women. How you respond her?
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Unfortunately time will not be enough; I know people who have been suffering for more than a decade, others who forgot in weeks. For you dear, it's one year ago since you split up. Change of mindset is needed. Let him go, Let it go and think about your next steps in life.
I have been there; nobody in the whole world is more precious than you are.
Realize that every minute of your life,
Take care dear,
cheers eric
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he/you does it once, so best case scenario for you, he leaves wife and takes up with you, why would he not do it twice??, think about it, it does not end. Steer clear of "already attached" people, it just causes everyone involved heartache.....
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Christelita,
You mentioned that if you had proof he was cheating with someone else, you'd be able to help him. If his wife seriously didn't suspect anything, he's obviously still sleeping with her!!! Common sense!! Is THAT OK with you?
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What goes around comes around! Later in life when you or If you ever find another guy ... get marry and have kids .... then one day you find out your hubby cheats on you.... then don't feel bad as you !!!!!!!! *never know if might happen
how you feel now serves you right!
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Ahna
15 yrs ago
Edited.
@blueiris.
Fair enough, and, to a certain degree, I agree with you. I never thought an overly facile view on this matter would be enough, but I suppose that is logic. My only issue is your lack of civility, as I took a while to write it out from a different perspective - but given your emphatic view on this matter, it is forgiven.
@Christelita,
I think you read it and that's all that matters, so, I wish you happiness and good luck in your endeavors in getting over him.
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Sorry Ahna, but what an absolute load of twaddle. At the end of the day, it's basic mathematics, as in, he cheated on his wife = he will cheat on you! He's having his cake, and choking on it. You won't be the first, and you won't be the last, but he'll be warming the wife's bedsheets inbetween. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but lets all be honest here....... It doesn't take an essay to spell it out!
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Blue iris, where in my posts did I claim that he was NOT sleeping with his wife?? He was having sex with his wife also during our affair, just not as often as he would have wanted. I knew that and took it as part and parcel of the “package” I had signed for.
And for those who keep asking me what did I expect from a guy who had no intention of leaving his family for me; in the beginning we had long discussions about how we would handle the situation we were in, and some things came clearly thru. Namely, that he did not want to leave his wife; but he did want to have relationship with me as well; he did not think of it as a brief fling, but that we would have to be very careful in order to not get caught, and in order to be able to continue the relationship.
He said he saw no need to us to stop the affair as long as we didn’t get caught. He promised me a steady relationship as the other woman in his life, but with the limitations that automatically came from him still being married and with his family. So no Chinese New Year get-aways or X’mas holidays together, as he obviously needed to spend those times with his family. What I expected was for the affair to continue long term, which is the way it was intended when we started it. He even wanted assurance from me that I would not end it in a few months time to be with someone else, as he really felt so much happier and content with his life with me included in it. I am upset because the affair ended much sooner that I could have expected in my worst scenarios, and I am now alone and lonely.
Ayuchan, I already knew before I met this guy that even people you and all your friends and family SWEAR would never lie or betray you by means of infidelity or other transgression, are still capable of horrible wrongdoings . I learned that thru hard first hand experience. No, it was not a reason for me to somehow pass it on and decide to hurt other people like I had been hurt. I did not do what I did out of misguided revenge. Most I could maybe say is that when my eyes opened to see what people really can be like, black and white disappeared and the world became a place of countless shades or colors that were not and never could be classified as black or white or any color. It seemed nothing could be trusted to be what I had believed it to be, and therefore I could not know or decide if my actions were right or wrong or what.
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FKKC
15 yrs ago
flashback - your opinions and advices are always good.
Christelita - how can you expect a shady deal like yours to stay permanent? This man is a player (his poor wife) and you took a part in his shameful game.
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easyl
15 yrs ago
why did u get involved with married man in the first place? he wven told u clear;y he will never leave his wife and u still dived in, come on dont be stupid. u knew it will happen someday... so take it or kill urself over it
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as you said ,he falls for you, just because he could find discractions in you. he has a family that he's reluctant to give up. for you he shoulders no responsibility. it is unfair for you. don't cling to such a guy. you should move on.
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no judgement here, to answer your question, time will heal, spend time with family, friends(better with close girlfriends), maybe change a job, a new enviroment, or quit your job, go travelling, within time, things will start falling into place again, just give time time. and remenber, try not to do rebund relationship, not to pick guys out of lonliness. Life is wonderful. Good luck.
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Christelita, i know exactly how you feel because i'm in a very very similar position as u do and been ongoing for a year now.
Remember these men are only here to have fun with us, its pure lust not love and one day eventually this so called 'relationship' will end. I know everyone out there will say we deserve the pain, i also wish i fall for someone who's not married..
Please be strong and move on with your life, he's definitely not the one and he loves his wife and his family, not you not us. I know its hard to get over or stop thinking right away, just do whatever u can to keep yourself busy and be patience, eventually you wil get use to the loneliness and get over him.
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Or these 'poor mistresses' could choose to have some integrity, dignity, self respect and respect for the vows of marriage and stay well clear of the married men altogether instead of laying on the poor me attitude
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I can't believe what I read in the responses of most people here. Apart from a few exceptions, they are not helping Christelita at all - on the opposite, you are inflicting her even more pain. Who are you all to judge on her relationship? She didn't ask for that. She asked for help because she is in a desperate situation. If you don't want to help, abstain from answering. Anyone's who's ever been dumped knows how it feels, and that's independent from morale.
Christelita:
I know it sounds not very comforting, but it's just time that heals all wounds. For your situation, a year may be not enough. But I promise you it will be over someday, it might take one more year, but it will go away.
In the meantime, the best you can do is to enjoy your life as much as you can. Seek distraction in any way you can. If you don't feel ready for dating yet, abstain from it, and instead try mingling in other societies. E.g. take on a new hobby, join some meaningful clubs or societies where you can get to know a lot of new people. Maybe you will find another single girlfriend to have fun with and share things. Believe me, that helps big time to get over what happened to you and distract you from suicidal thoughts.
Good luck and keep it up!
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Yes, there are a lot cheating guy around, but do will have sincere men there.
They are waiting for you to find them.
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I wonder what would you say if you were the wife (or husband) being cheated.
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Glowac106:
There is always a reason why a man is cheating on his wife. It is a two-way relationship. You don't cheat on your partner if everything is well in your relationship.
What would I say if I was being cheated? I would ask myself what went wrong in our relationship. But I would certainly NOT blame it on the woman with whom my husband cheated me with.
And again, this is about Christelita asking for help out of her dispair, this is not the place for morale discussions. It is a place where you people should give good advice, not masturbatory tongue-lashing.
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Naive? Idealistic? I would say rational. No life experience? Haha. Been through it. Believe me, there are rational thinking women out there. Split without emotional outbursts. No martial battles over money or anything else. It is possible if you have a sound notion of yourself.
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Swissabroad, what you believe in is exactly right.(in theory) I guess you are the lucky one...living in an idealistic world.
About Chritelita, this is an open forum and i believe some of the posters are really giving her heartfelt advices although they are not what Chritelita wants to hear at the moment but every word is so true.
Sometimes you can't just say things that to please someone but not pointing out the fact. This is not helping this is sweet poisoning...
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I think Swissabroad is about the only sane person on this thread, which seems to have been hijacked by a bunch of self-righteous people condemning extra marital affairs.
I have not seen much advice to the original poster, who is trying to move on in her life.
Those who speak of the pain and betrayal caused their partner cheating need to recognize the pain that preceded it. Academic research shows the affairs and separation in serious relationships are invariably preceded by one partner being intensely unhappy, and not being listened to.
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After quickly reading all the messages, I suggest you need help and you need to recover and heal. Have you heard of Coda Meetings. Look it up on Google, they have meetings in Hong Kong. Or even better SLAA meetings may be appropriate.
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How can (most of) you be so judgmental?
Feelings happen and sometimes the situation just gets further complicated by all the technicalities of our life in 'society'.
Humans are not monogamous and love is not something unchangeable that comes with an attached label saying that the 'expiry date' is NEVER!!
Loving two women is possible, I have seen it with people very close to me. Of course, getting into such relationship is bound to create and cause pain for all parts involved.
I think that he could have been a little more open and straight to the point with you instead of giving you the cold shoulder and simply 'slowly fading' into the background. Since having an open conversation with him seems out of question and a little too late, my only suggestion will be for you to hang in there and look for professional help, meetings even as suggested by other members.
Time changes and heals all wounds and you will became a stronger person after this.
Don't feel guilty over what happened because nothing will change the past and if he fell for you was because something was missing in his marriage.
As for his wife, if she cannot 'see' the damage she is causing to their relationship by not dedicating or putting effort in it, allowing him to look elsewhere for fulfillment, it is her fault! And don't come to me with the BS of she having to look after kids and home and etc... Let's be real here! I have kids, house, career and I still find time to dedicate to my marriage and keep things balanced. If my husband decided to find in someone else what he cannot find in me, I should question myself as well as him on why's and not who?! If I found out that my husband was cheating on me, I would interested in knowing what led to it and not feeling hate for the other woman as she was not responsible for it, but a consequence of a series of factors.
Please ignore some of the comments made by other members, especially in regards to guilt and condemnation... Maybe they should look in their own backyard and clean their own act, instead of playing the 'self righteous-religious-God-will-damn-you-forever-c***'.
Be well.
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finally, an intelligent response.
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I can't decide what is more entertaining - banananica's brilliant conclusion that it's the wife's fault (of course, she definitely has to be the one to blame for her husband not being able to keep it in his pants), or chungwan's assertion that it was an intelligent response.
Bananica, humans were not meant to do a great many things, including walking in shoes, sitting for 8+hours a day staring at screens, drinking brown fizzy sugar, prolonging life and delaying natural death, etc.
However, we have developed and live in socities that have rules and norms, and one of things that differentiates us from some of the baser creatures is (in some cases anyway) our ability to differentiate between what we perceive to be right and wrong, and to choose whether to act on our impulses. To enter into a marriage and then knowingly choose to cheat on your wife because you are frustrated that she is devoted to being a mother and running your household is frankly disgusting. I could be off here but I am going to go out on a limb and guess that he didn't exhaust every option in terms of working it out with his wife.
Even if it was true love in this case (which, judging from the outcome, it might not have been), it is unbelievable that you don't comprehend why some people (including those who have actually been cheated on) view both the guy's and Christelita's actions as utterly reprehensible. It would be interesting to see if you'd be as zen and introspective about it if your husband did actually go and sleep with someone else.
On a side note - I have friends who do what this guy did on a somewhat regular basis. In many cases it's not the wife doing anything wrong, and to be frank, (in my and their opinions) there often isn't anything lacking in the marriage --- except for numerous women for the guys to sleep with of course. If it has escaped your highly astute notice, HK can be a fantasy playground for expat guys. There are plenty of men who are out cheating on their wives consistently simply because it's easy and they can. It would be naive to think that every guy who complained that he was frustrated with his married life while trying to bed someone actually meant it, and even more naive to think that his wife was selfishly screwing things up. You would be amazed at the yarns men will spin when there is the potential to get laid out of it.
I'm not trying to preach - as bananica so eloquently put it, my own backyard is not the cleanest (including knowingly sleeping with married women) but I know when my actions are unacceptable by any standards, and if I went on an online forum expecting sympathy or friendly advice, I would well deserve the response that I would undoubtedly get.
Apologies if this came out as harsh. I do appreciate that you are trying to give her constructive advice, and I understand that she has been hurt by a guy who sounds like a complete a**hole --- but to call people self-righteous and judgmental for not approving of her actions is a bit much.
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Hi Ayn876... I liked your reply... It was direct and not harsh.
Maybe I wasn't very clear in some of my comments, which I will try to be now.
I don't think that it was right or wrong as I cannot judge her actions because I am not her. Yes, we live with rules and norms, good or bad they exist and so does transgression to the very norms that were supposedly created to avert them.
I did not blame it on the wife's actions (or lack thereof), I just believe that it is easy for us women to get absorbed by the many things we need to do every day and neglect items (intentionally or not) in our relationship/marriage.
I agree with you in the sense that men cheat... period! I actually told my husband that, and furthermore, I am quite zen about it. I cannot (as nobody in this case) do anything if that is his decision or the decision of many of the guys you mentioned in your post.
Men cheat because women are easily available and they don't mind bedding somebody else's husband (as you said)... that is true and it cannot be changed.
Back to the case in question, their actions were not acceptable by the so called standards. We know, they knew. She suffers and asked for help in dealing with the suffering. That was the point of her post: how to get over him and not on 'did I do right or wrong here?'.
It's not up to me to judge her actions. I don't think it was wise as the outcome shows. But it seemed a bit much to me that some people chose to simply throw stones at her, condemning and judging, rather than trying to understand/offer comfort to ease the pain and sorrow that she's going through.
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