Posted by
Summergirl
15 yrs ago
My current bf and I have been together for 6 years, we lived together for 4 years but recently had several big fights which ending up in us talking about seperation. The fights were usually about money and differences that we have, for example he wanted to get married but I did not want to right now as I am saving money for a house.
During this time I became close to a friends friend of mine. This friend friends started chasing me and eventually he asked me out. He doesn't know that I am still with my current bf, but he knows we had lots of fights and has moved out. At present, I have just been going for drinks and walks around town with this new guy, but we have only held hands and not even kissed yet. This new guys is seriously the sweetest guy I have met and I know that he would be a good bf! However, I am really confused as to what to do...if I tell him I am still kinda with my current bf he will hate me forever. So I decided to cut it clean with my current bf since after 6 years we seemed like not going anywhere? However, I found that when it came down to it..I couldn't let go of him...for the last 6 years he has been doing everything for me, I suddenly felt lost if I couldn't rely on him anymore? However, I know that this new guy would make a good partner too! What should I do? Please give me some advice...
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how about none of the two guys for a while to become clear about what you want?
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It sounds like you might be ready to dump your old bf. The 6 year thing may have just developed into a habit.
You need to also recognise that a lot of relationships hit a rocky patch after 6 years. This can be worked through.
You also need to recognise that the other guy will be re-bound boy.
So it is not an 'either A or B' type answer.
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Quill
15 yrs ago
you life is not leading by anyone of them. it is leading by you. so, you are responsible to each step you are walking. you walk for your own happiness.
Money is a life time issue, no matter which one you choose. Also, accepting the difference is also lifetime work. Getting the new one is not solving your lifetime assignment. New one seems fancy, but it would come the same problem eventually.
Develop your own happiness!
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If you really wanted to be with your old boyfriend - why were "you" saving money for a house and using that as an excuse to not get married? If you're in love with someone and in a longterm serious relationship, then it's usual to envisage buying a house together - totally agree with Quill - sounds like you're old relationship was over... it may be habit or it may be that you still care about your old bf that keeps you together - it's possible to love someone but know that you have no future together...
... and also agree that you have to accept that this new guy will be a rebound thing... sometimes rebounds work, but it's rare to go into it with open eyes accepting the guy for everything he is rather than all the things your old bf wasn't
make sure that whatever you do - you take a lot of time for yourself - maybe to grieve your old relationship and fgure out what you want for the future
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I don't mean to sound stupid, but what do you guys mean by rebound? You mean he is just there for comfort?
Maybe it has become a habit, but a bad habit that is hard to kick....or maybe just that I am used to everything and got comfortable with the way things are as well as not wanting to hurt him.
As for the new guy, he is really sweet and always makes an effort to see me even if its for like 15 minutes....last night he called me and he started talking about soulmates etc...How do you know if he is your soulmate and lover?
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Ahna
15 yrs ago
Soulmate and lover? It is impossible to tell.
Personally, your 6 year boyfriend (a long commitment) sounds to me the safe way to go. Lust never lasts for more than 4 years... then, if you're left with an unwanted residue, then you don't want to pursue the relationship.
If you can't let go of either of them... you must take a break from both of them. It is out of the question that you continue with either, it's now down to your decision, and certainly, no online poster will ever know either of them as well as you do to be able to exercise a choice.
Personally, by the sounds of it, I like the sound of your current boyfriend. He does seem in love with you - to be at a stage where you both fight and still seek comfort in each other sounds like love to me. By the looks of it, this new guy who has entered your life seems rather like a sparkly distraction, considering by how besotted you are with him over such a short period of time.
Then again, you're not ready to marry your boyfriend. Does this mean you would reject an engagement? It is, really, true commitment to stick to you despite your savings for a house, because it sounds like you've already kind of rejected him. Maybe he's become a reliable companion for you, but is he a lover? Question it. Definitely don't leave him over this new guy, but only because you're sure that all feelings, love, and desire for him have been dried out.
However, be warned, you may be upset when it suddenly dawns on you that it's all over - that you're not with him anymore.
Relax, and take your time. No rush to choose. Meanwhile, be loyal and keep your principles and integrity in check.
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What a bubble life we are living in Hong Kong? hahaha
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who are you responsible for?
yourself or bf with 6 years relationship?
no one else will give you the answer. I think your problem is not about who should U choose.
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NY6
15 yrs ago
hi summergirl
well, u seem to be in a difficult situation ...!
havent gone through all the other posts, but you should know the answer best if you ask yrself. one thing puzzling me though is were u saving up the money for your own house or a house together with you bf? ..
it seems to be common nowadays that 'partners' still live their own life, though sharing the same bed, having sex every now and then, going to bbq/birthday/flatwarming-parties together, but else living each their own live in their own ways ...
girl, dont look for excuses not to marry him after six years!!! he's the one in love with you and he doesnt only have a crush on you and the need to satisfy the 'hunters instinct' as it is before every new 'relationship' as yr 'new' bf..
if i meet a girl or know that i've chances to hook up with her, i'll of course -as all men will- do (almost) anything to please her, call her any free minute, send nice sms in the night and in the morning and give her a gr8 feeling about me .. yet, will he always be like this or will the dream be over as soon as he was in bed with you? u dont know him.
on the other hand, if you and your ex have had many discussions in the recent past, why not take a time out alone - with none of them both - and think about what you really want from life .... a house, carreer, happy marriage, family, children .. or everything but TOGETHER with the man you're in love with?
it's up to you to decide what you want from life.
all the best
n.
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I think you need to put yourself free in any problems you have now. Be yourself for a while, Heal the past first, then Live the present & then you can dream the future.
" Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have"
" Success is to get what you want, Luck is to keep what you get"
" Our greatest glory is not in never falling but rising everytime we fall"
" Good times become a good memories, Bad times become a good lesson"
" Enjoy life to the fullest this is not just a rehearsal". Always look for the future because there we gonna spend our whole life"
Hope its help you with all this quotes.
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easyl
15 yrs ago
girl u are wasting ur life, stop thinking and start acting, pick the guy u want and start living, most men and relationships are thesame the earlier u understand this the better for u... ur life is urs no one wil teach u how to live life
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I don't know either of you, and I usually refrain from commenting on personal matters, but as I was apartment searching I found this post and it struck a strong chord with me. As a man, if someone I was with for over 6 years was having doubt and did not feel like they could communicate that with me, I would be very upset. Leaving someone after all that time is painful, especially if the significant other wants to make a further commitment (6 years is a pretty decent commitment already) but what seems like it would be more painful is to find out that their closest friend and lover was not being honest, and even spending that time with another person. Breaking up is hard to do, but if you really don't love the guy, don't leave him hanging there while you figure yourself out with another man. Tell him, give him the same respect he (hopefully) has given you. It's a risk to be sure, he might not like it now, but in the long run you were honest, and that can make all the difference in the world. 70% of all problems (work, personal, etc)I've ever encountered we're caused directly or indirectly by communication.
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Thankyou for all the posts so far, they have given me some ideas....but perhaps I should clarify some points.
My 6 years bf and I have had lots of arguments about money, job and even over his family. One of the biggest problems is that I am earning almost double his salary and perhaps he finds it hard to accept. I don't mind to help out and pay for things but I am quite traditional when it comes down to it and I don't think a girl should be paying for the wedding, their house together etc... as for love, I am not sure if it would be considered as love? Maybe as some of you suggested he is just someone that I got used to, a habit that is hard to kick. We have tried to talk things over but never really got a real solution to the problems. The reason I suggested buying a house with my own money is because he couldn't afford to mortgage a house at present.
As for the new guy, he is probably everything that my bf is not....he has good family background, I am his second gf (he hasn't had any other gf's except when he was like 15 years old), he has a stable job, he enjoys the music and things that I like. Of course, I understand that new relationships are always sweet and as some of you suggest he maybe after sex. But I dunno, something tells me he is not as he's pretty shy.
Anyhow, should I take the risk and tell my 6 years bf its over for real and go with the new guy? Or should I stay with someone who I might not have that feeling for but treats me well ?
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dang your latest post makes it even more obvious:
please ditch your current bf. he seems like a good guy but he deserves better than you - who measures love with money, family background, paying for mortgage. you really have no clue what a real relationship is all about, so do yourself and him a favour and break up already.
as for your new guy, give him a shot, try him out, play with him the same way as you did with your current one. maybe you are lucky and he will put up with you.
however i seriously doubt whether you are ready for a real relationship, or even should consider something like marriage, so i stick with my initial post and suggest you spend some time with no guy and think a little bit over what a relationship is really all about.
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i don't agree - its not about money, etc but it is about values ... however if your bf really is trying and can'yt make as much as you ... then you shouldn't fault him ...
i work in IB and my gf makes less than 1/4 whta i make ... but she tries so hard and i love her as much as anyone can love another ... so make sure ur being true to yourself as to the real reason you love / don't love someone
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for the sake of the argument and in no direct relation to what summergirl has written above:
what kind of value are demonstrated when she judges her relationship and him over e.g. his family background?
and just in case you say that 'some people have traditional values': i have seen too many people (in hong kong and other places) who use exactly this kind of argument but then at the same time invariably demand e.g.
- full equality of women at the work place
- the right of women to work while they are having small kids rather than being at home looking after them
- etc.
all of the above are (admittedly rather outdated) traditional values too but usually not supported by these very same people. i personally have a hard time to respect people who chose traditional values only when it suits themselves in their selfish view of life.
this is called hypocrisy and imho just shows a lack of maturity (or sometimes intelligence) - irregardless whether these people are 15 or 55 years old
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Values are more than just traditional vs not - some people want to marry a virgin, some don't care ... values come in all different forms
its up to her and not us to judge if its a good value - which makesi t hard to advise someone on what to do
I have very picky things about my sig. others ... but i don't expect others to agree
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I think there maybe some misunderstanding...I admitt that I grew up with rather traditional views, such as I don't wanna be paying for my own wedding ring and buying a house. I am not being mean about the family background thing, his father has divorced 3 times and he has no real family that he grew up with. although you may think there is no problem to that, but everyone wants to marry into a happy warm family, especially in a Chinese family, but literally this is a problem like when we have arguements he doesn't even have a place to stay...so he ends up at my door again and I really get the sense of pressure and that he relys on me. I really don't mind that I pay for things, but somethings like the wedding ring should not be bought by myself, also the house shouldn't be paid for all by myself. Thing is I feel he is starting to rely on me and is taking it for granted. YES, I earn more than him...but he should assume that means he doesn't have to work double as hard....
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NY6
15 yrs ago
girl
all things to be said have been said and you've made up yr decision already and this thread should be closed .. just don't fight it because of your [be honest to yourself](guilty?) conscience due to the 6 years.
tell him that you expect him to move out and that you want to live your own life - yet be prepared to be confronted with a very disappointed and probably sad to death person if he learns (if not from you, possibly from others?) about you being together with his 'former good friend'.
there are two ways to end this: a) diplomatic and hard way, b) undiplomatic and very hard way.
a) you tell him that you've decided to go on alone
b) you tell him that you've decided to go on with that (sorry for being judgmental here) a$$hole of a friend of his
life's a b!tch and sometimes tough and unfair, yet this would be my idea in order to end this 6 year long 'habit' in the best possible scenario.
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Yeah you're right - boot him out ...
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"as for your new guy, give him a shot, try him out, play with him the same way as you did with your current one. maybe you are lucky and he will put up with you."
yeah, and before you know it, another 6 years passed you by and you're still playing around and no longer marketable...but wait, you have your own house!
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you are thinking too much. you're using your logic as opposed to going with how you feel. you are not shopping for a new pair of shoes or a car here. you seem to be thinking about which one fits you best, what you are used to, which one is user-friendly, and so on. go with what you feel. who do you love? it could be as simple as that. you're not yet married, so it shouldn't be that difficult.
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as a friend of mine said - no ring on the finger, the penis can linger
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^^ bull
can be good lover AND marriage material
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Suggest you
1> talk with your currently BF and separate with him for 1 or 2 moths. You need tell him, you wanna have a personaly thinking for these days.
2> you can have a chance for the new guys. chat each other not dating, this must tell him ahead.
3> in the last 6 years you quarrel each other, after you married you also will face on the same problem. You need consider clearly.
4> love each other turn to habit, this is true. But you need choose what you want.
I can understand your means "i'm a traditional girl..." So calm down and think clearly what you actually want. If you can accpet your currently situation then get marry with him.
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the best answer according to me is the 1st one written by cookie09.
you need some time on your own to decide what you really want in life....
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Never trust a new gul who talk about being soul mates so fast! You mean well educated guys such as bankers, doctors and lawyers with lots of money are always decent ? Naaaahhhh
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Pretty obvious really and has already be written in these posts.
A relationship is not a can of baked beans. If you are tired of one brand of baked beans you can try another immediately. Relationships - you can not just bounce out of one into another. It doesn't work and you'll be back in these columns in a few months saying it was terrible, didn't work out and now you realise you miss your ex, blah, blah, blah. Trust me this is a staple subject in these columns for past few years!
One of the problems you have, and without being sexist is a more predominantly female issue, is that you don't want to be alone. When you end a relationship you need time to find yourself again before moving forward. This is at least a 6 - 12 month process and in some cases can take a lot longer.
I have seen so many women here, even in relationships with married men who cannot give them up because they don't want to be alone. it's a crazy situation. You need to take time, you cannot just flip one to the other. This says more about your emotional stability than any "family background" or similar rubbish that you are trying to use as a justification for your actions. Trying to feel vindicated by writing this in an internet forum is not going to help anything.
Sorry to be blunt but I think you need some real clarity on the situation. The title of this thread should not be "Which guy is better" but "What should I do with my life".
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Absolutely agreed. People nowadays just want things easy, being influenced by the US way of living, the self-centered, capitalist mentality of having instant gratification in the past decades, this kind of fast food culture makes people craving for more than they can chew rather than being satisfied with what they have.
Nothing comes easy in life, there are both good and bad in just about everything. Just becoz you get to see the goodies on the surface doesn't mean that it is genuinely good in the inside, but people now just tend to overlook the goodness of their old things, be it relationship or anything else and pursuit new things when they lay eyes upon them. Thus it is hard to make a marriage or even a relationship work under such common belief.
It seems that the spiritual aspect of a relationship is lacking, when one starts comparing just what the old guy and the new guy have gotta offer. I wonder what happened to the kind of trust and commitment one should have in a relationship instead of just running away when something is not going their way. People seem to fail to realise that nth would go perfectly smooth forever and when there's sth they just want the easy out - abandon ship and board a new one. Sigh.
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Easy which one has more money? Pick that one.
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Valleint
Are you Shanghainese?
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if i were you i'd dump both and be on my own for a while.. you'd feel the freedom :) and it would be light on your head.. no worries no nothing... We girls dont always need guys.. we need to realize that...
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Tigerbay
No I'm American, though work in GZ. Aside from that though I'm practical.
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