Posted by
BHHK
15 yrs ago
Hi,
I am a HK girl (late 20s, educated overseas).
I have met a Western guy and am fairly sure he could be the one (have had a few medium term relationships so have a fair idea).
The trouble is he told me last night he has an STD. It's nothing that major - HSV2 (so herpes virus down there but without skin lesions).
He can take some daily medication and we will always have to use rubbers. There's only a small chance I'll get it, but there is a chance.
Obviously, as he's suggested, I'll get some specialist medical advice to confirm all of this.
So what do Asiaexpat readers think? If he could be the one, should I take the risk? I would hate to miss out and am fairly certain he's special. At the same time, it isn't an easy decision....
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Maybe u shud ask why he got it in da 1st place
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
He told me and I believe him - a three night stand with an infected girl...
So many people have this - 1 in 5 or something like that
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Hi,
Why don't you wait that it's cured ?
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thing is, how wud u know he wudn't have these casual flings again? He got the history.
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fatkid you are an .d..t, sorry.
herpes is indeed carried by roughly 20-25% of all people, most of them don't even know they have it because quite often it never breaks out and one doesn't know where one has got it from.
so if 25% of all people have it with most of them not even knowing that they carry it, then it cannot be a major point and knowing where he got it from is pointless.
EVERY relationship carries a risk of getting some STDs so you have to assess the risk you are taking yourself.
my personal view is that your risk is low because you can use condoms and avoid having sex during his outbreaks, and even if you do get it, it's not a major point as you can manage the outbreaks with medication. in fact, if he is really the one and you are close to marriage, i would seriously consider to stop using condoms and just knowingly acquire it (and have kids in a natural way one day).
until you have certainty however, i would suggest to continue using condoms and refrain from having sex during his outbreaks - which is really when you are at most risk of contracting herpes.
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jeepers, how quick is it for someone to condemn him for his STD? what does it matter how he got it, only that he has.
BHHK: i would suggest you speak first to a doctor about the medical concerns you have as that is what your query is about (not trust issues). Once you have got your medical facts down pat, then seek the advice of strangers on a website. At least you'll be able to sort out the crap from the sense. My 2cents worth: i give him points for being honest and for caring enough to tell you. If he didnt care, he could have easily not have bothered. Good luck.
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thanks people.
It'smeinHK - no cure in the near future, tho there might be a vaccine in a few years' time.
I guess I can wait for that and hope we don't contract it in the meantime.
I will certainly see a doctor soon but googling has given me a fair idea
I guess from the website I wanted an "informed gut reaction" if there is such a thing. Cooks and shottie - thanks for that.
Cooks - dun think I'll ever want to share it with him! Hopefully there'll be a vac before we have kids - if, indeed, that is what happens...
Anyways - thanks guys. Look forward to further opinions and will get some med advice...
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At least he had the dignity of telling you while so many with not even mention afraid of being judged just like he is being here!
Go to a doctor, get advice and get on with it!
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actually a good point from banananananaica. it should count as a plus point on him to share this with you openly and beforehand
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thanks folks. He did say some people have run a mile when he's otld them (and I think this is a common response). Begs the question whether I shouldn't even be considering it...
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Herpes is pretty common and you do not even need to have sex to catch it. Cold sores are a form of herpes and can actually be transmitted from mouth to genitalia as well as mouth to mouth.
As BHHK rightly said here is no cure for it at the moment. But you wont die from Herpes, certainly uncomfortable when you have an outbreak. The fact that anyone has or has contracted an STD is no indicator of history - saddens me to know people still think like this.
If you think he is the one then this is a minor issue which he has shared with you. He has shown he is responsible by doing this. Don't live your life regretting what could have been.
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
And having it can be pretty bad. I tcan cause deafness in babies, apparently...
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thx evildeeds - the deafness thing is a worry tho - can't bear the thought of signing to a toddler LOL!
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Well it sounds as if you are a sensible person. If I was you I'd probably speak to someone in the medical field. There are many resources on the internet too for example http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/STDFact-herpes.htm
Obviously as Herpes is in the skin then wearing a rubber doesn't offer full protection. Better than nothing though. In regards to having kids it states that Herpes caught during pregnancy is the most harmful to a baby but mothers who carry the Herpes virus rarely pass it to their babies.
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HSV is not a biggie. It is more of an uncomortable inconvenience and embarrassment than anything else.
25% may have it, but only a smaller number have genital herpes.
I can only see one angle that has not been covered here. When weighing up your choices. If you contract genital herpes, and he isn't the one, how will this affect your future relationships. As it is affecting his now. It in not a barrier, but you need to consider it.
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thanks tigerbay.
Yes - this does worry me....
I think we will take it very slowly.....
It's only if I'm pretty certain, we'll go ahead.
But - yeah - the fact is it could damage my prospects down the track, should I need them.....
There is a dating website in Oz especially for people with HSV! Maybe I'll ahve to open the HK branch LOL!
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You may also want to do some research into conception, should you want kids further down the line.
Good luck with your relationship plans, however the decission falls.
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There is quite a bit of informed opinion on here...and some seriously misinformed opinions too.
fatkid - for all your posts on desperate need for acceptance, you sure are quick to judge in a -ve way.
What does it matter how someone got the STD, its that they now have to live with it. Most of the people I know that got HSV1 or HSV2 or even HPV (which is a lot more worrisome as there are 70 something strains, 2 of which give you cancer), got these from people they were supposed to be able to trust, from husbands, long term bf's or gf's...who simply didn't tell the truth or didn't know they had it. Instead of thinking (like some ignorant fop) that someone with an STD has it because they "had it coming" try to see how this misinformed way of thinking is what makes it harder for people to be honest about it and protect their partners.
I think its already a good sign that he has told OP all about him having an STD. Taking Acyclovir tablets, a low dose daily, or even to take it as soon as there is any suspicion that there is a prodromal phase coming on, will protect the sufferer and also the person they love. Your bf has dealt with it the right way, and he has been honest, seems informed about protection and has even suggested you talk to a good doc so you can have an informed chance at a decision. Use condoms, of course, as long as you feel you need to, as you and everyone knows, sometimes relationships dont work out. But if you feel he is the one, you will know when you are willing to accept everything, even the risk.
Herpes and spreading it, has to do with having an outbreak and open vesicles...so if he is not having any outbreaks, and he can take meds to prevent outbreaks...and if he feels he might have an outbreak you refrain from sex, there is no problem with having a completely normal sex life. And by normal, I mean that even condoms, once you want kids, are not necessary, the risk, without an outbreak, is slim.
About having babies. If you get herpes, your doctor would check to see you dont have an outbreak before the birthing, thats so there is no risk of ocular (eye) herpes in the baby, which can be dangerous (I never heard of deafness caused by herpes, but maybe I completely missed that bulletin) so IF you have herpes and IF you have an outbreak at the time of the birth, they will give you a ceaserian, thereby protecting the baby. Its really not a big deal.
If you are interested in speaking to a GOOD doctor who is clued in and very chill and informative about STD's, I would highly recommend Dr. DePasquale over at Raffles Medical Group...they moved offices to QB or something...but he is really the best when it comes to informing you about the pro's and con's but more importantly he doesn't sensationalize the way some folks here have.
STD's are out there, they are all treatable or curable. Herpes is treatable, so there is no reason why a decent and honest guy who has it has to be treated like a leper. (which by the way, its hard to tell people and have them run a mile...think about it. It takes a very brave person to be honest, its easier to lie, thats how HE got it! Someone lied to him!) You seem sensible and more importantly, you seem to be curious to know more about this topic and to make an informed decision...All good things!
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thanks paddle. This is very helpful. The guy has suggested I get an HPV vacc (which he has had - the vaccine, I mean, he has tested negative for HPV itself) over a 6 month period (apparently how long it takes). If we want to have sex after that, we can. I'm pretty sure after 6 months I will know whether or not he is the one... Anyway, thanks heaps for the Dr reference - somehow I would like to see somebody apart from his doctor and this is, therefore, a very useful suggestion
Will post again after successfully giving birth LOL!
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totty chaise....and you think this is a fake thread because someone was honest?
"Ah, yes, why tell the truth when you can hide and lie?" Who, oh who out there does that??? Telling the truth, y'know, to someone you want to trust you and who you want to protect, psshhhh! What a waste! Really? *SMH*.
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Definitely not a fake thread!
We have know each other some months...
And of course he would fess up - unless he was a total jerk, in which event I would posting about the unforeseen consequences, not the advance decision...
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Paddles have you read this?
http://www.news24.com/News24/World/News/0,,2-10-1462_2008304,00.html
I guess it's par for the course in being a doctor...
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Be careful girl....I've dated an Engish man for more than a year with herpes.
He got it from a three nights stand with a girl. First of all three nights stand without protection it is very immature...
We are over now, but do you want to know how it ended?
Discovering that he kept having one night stand with bimbo girls picked up in Wanchai...
and I've also felt he was the one.
What's worse is that during the whole period I had some problems as well.
Cheers
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BHHK - No I never read that, wow, thats from 2003? Yes, appears that its par for to course in being a doc. I stand by my recommendation though, he's a good Doc.
uoaini - so sorry about what happened to you. Oh man, the whole "the one" picked up bimbo's in Wanchai is such a common thing here, right? *SMH*. Hope you ditched that guy and are happier now. Wish you all the best.
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thanks paddles - will keep it in mind.
uoaini - I am also so sorry to hear what happened to you and this reflects the worst of my fears.
I did have a question - although you may not want to answer and if not I will totally understand. I was just curious about what strategies (above and beyond protection, eg meds, no intercourse at certain times etc) you adopted to make sure you didn't get it....if you didn't get it....
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BHHK,are you sure that your western 'Date" has got only herpes?because if you have one std you need to check for other std as the mode of transmission of std are same and more than one std can be contracted at same time."The One" who sleeps with wanchai girls, and don't use protection is a lousy 'the one'.I would rather worry about other STD,if his status is not known.
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thanks Carmanchix. He tested clear for HPV and has since had vaccine, though will test again if we go ahead and I have the HPV vacc. Can't think of anything else that isn't curable by antibiotics (and would be caught when we both get tested). Of course, he might have the really big one, HIV, but this is unlikely and would be caught by a test at some point during the 6 months when I have the HPV vacc. In any event, he has played safe since he found out the news about HSV-2 over a year ago...
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
uoaini - guess you dun want to tell me :o(
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Hi BHHK,
I've sent you two private messages. Check your inbox.
Cheers,
Uoaini
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kenny, get the facts right first before you post such a useless post as above. you can read most of the facts in the posts above, but it seems you didn't even do that....
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Hi Kenny,
I certainly welcome a variety of perspectives o nthis thread. I recognise the seriousness of what I'm contemplating and certainly don't want to be hostile to anyone who says "no, don't do it".
That said, some of your remarks are way off. The suggestion that you can get HSV2 from interacting around a dinner table is absurd.
I also think it's a bit ridiculous to say an infection as common as HSV2 automatically implies promiscuity. The fact is most of us (to the extent we're able) have had a few one night stands and most of us would have had instance of sexual interaction where we haven't been 100% responsible.
And with 1 in 4 people having HSV2 it's not hard to envisage someone contracting it without that entailing what you describe...
So, while I welcome the warning in your post, factual it is not.
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A lot of this seems to be much ado about a relatively minor issue. I mean if 25% of the population has it than it really is not uncommon and it is not really a illness that causes severe problems. If it was not related to sex but was some other really common illness I wonder if there would be such emotion attached to it.
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my brother has oral herpes since he is a child, i have eaten with him at the same table for years, shared utensils, shared plates, shared everything. and i still don't contracted it myself.
so much for the risk of transmission through utensils at the dinner table, kenny
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KennyL you seem to have a lot of hostility towards this subject and want to make a bigger issue out of it than it is. You have some bad personal experience making you so hostile about it?
Not everyone who thinks its not such a big deal has it as you imply, simply because they disagree with you.
My mom had oral herpes and we never had any problems at the dinner table, or being tucked in and kissed good night as kids.
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Kenny, the trouble is that you're operating under a factual misapprehension . HSV2 dude - it does not involve skin lesions.
Even if it were HSV1 (ie that which does cause skin lesios), you would still be a bit off the mark. If it were as readily transmitted as you suggest, 99.9% of the population would have it - they fact is they don't, because it is not spread as you suggest. From what you right, anyone would think air kisses would be enough.
Having said that, i agree with you when you point out it is a serious issue. We're all very delicate down there, especially women,and what you say about birth defects is correct. So, to the extent you agree with superman, I'm on your side. But you're a bit of an extremist (and something of a fantasist) IMHO
Anyways, I still haven't made up my mind re: the boy. I'm not going to keep him hanging much longer - it's not fair. I think the 6 months no sechs while I get HPV vaccine should work - I can't lose, but I will tell him quick smart if I don't think it's going to happen... Don't want to treat him like some sort of eager puppy...
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a good counter balance to people shrugging their shoulders is to provide facts about what one really needs to look out for and what is just prejudice/rumours.
i don't think it helps to advocate not sharing utensils on the dinner table
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Kenny - I think you're falling into the classic postmodernist trap - any perspective, no matter how ill informed, is legitimate and needed to counter-balance other perspective.
This is where you (and perhaps postmodernism) get it all wrong. The validity of your perspective is dependent on knowing as many facts as you can appropriately gather and then expressing an opinion.
Blind, factually dubious assertions that try and garner legitimacy on the basis that it is needed as "another perspective" is preposterous...
I agree people use this discussion board to validate a preconceived position and I disagree with that as much as you do.
I value your opinion that I should tell the guy to take a hike.
But no respectable intellect would spout some of the things your are - toilet seats, WTF?!?!?
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BHHK
15 yrs ago
Thanks Kenny. I hope it doesn't sound patronising if I say this was a much more better post than some your others..
Can't say I'll consult clergy confession itself wuold take 10 hours LOL!
But will take your perspective on board
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