Posted by
Miss A
15 yrs ago
Tick tick tick ...
I'm in my early 30s. I have a demanding job, and a management role. I work a lot and don't go out enough, obviously don't get to meet people.
Recently, a few of my friends have announced their engagements, it got me thinking...
The last time I dated was a year ago, it did not go any further after a few dates because the guy didn't think he was good enough for me - as he put it. He did ask me out again two months ago, but I couldn't be bothered, if he realised he wasn't "good enough" for me a year ago, doubt he'd be "better" all of a sudden.
Where should I start? Any advice?
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If you "couldn't be bothered" going out with a man just because he transgressed your high standards previously, perhaps you need to think again about your attitude.
Join some clubs. Develop a genuine interest in all the people that you meet.
Above all, realise that establishing relationships is not like shopping, or being a manager; to establish good relationships you have to be a real human being, and learn to appreciate the good and bad in others.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
Miss A, if you were a man, it shouldn't be a problem, many young and attractive women would find their way to you. The question is for those "good enough" single male out there, will they choose the one who is young, attractive and might not be successful but have more time available for them or someone who is successful with high standard, eager to settle down and has little extra time?
The fact is most successful single guy of your age are enjoying their good time and won't easily want to settle down since their "prime time" is still plenty. If you don't want to settle for "less" of a man, maybe you shall have the same attitude that good time first and see what the future holds.
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"The last time I dated was a year ago, it did not go any further after a few dates because the guy didn't think he was good enough for me"
i have never heard a guy making such a comment for real EXCEPT as a code for saying that the girl is not genuine in her relationship, i.e. looking for status, standards, money, success, etc. All the things that do not really matter in a real relationship.
i like what woods said: "you have to be a real human being, and learn to appreciate the good and bad in others."
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I didn't say he wasn't good enough for me. He said so himself.
That's why I wondered ~ if he didn't think he was good enough back then, why is it different now ? It's not that long ago. So I don't know which part of it I should appreciate, and what has it got to do with my job?!
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Relationships are the most important thing in life, and anybody who seeks to have good relationships needs to have the right sense of perspective.
If you want a relationship just because you are getting older, you probably will not find a good relationship. Think again about your priorities in life.
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Yes, make a move out of Hong Kong and hopfully encounter romance somewhere, anywhere! You only live once! I wish I knew that when I was in my thirties.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
I read an article here stating that women are the happiest in their lives when they are single. Since Miss A is also finacially indepndant, she is truely FREE.
Agree with most posters aboe, Miss A shall thank God for the free world has to offer.
Also I think having "standard" on who you shall date can really handicapt you enjoying life and limit your chance of finding that pearl under the hay.
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I was chatting to a woman the other day. She was 37, single, wants to be married and have a child.
The only problem was she cannot find men who meet all her criteria (tick boxes).
I told her to forget her shopping list.
If it is a choice of man without A/B/C or being alone, what do you choose?
The guy last year may have said he was 'not good enough' because he was made to feel inadequate. This may not be the case, but it is worth taking into consideration.
As has been hinted at, stop being a manager and be a open human being. Flawed and falible like the rest of us.
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Just do the math. With that disparity of men and women ratio here in hong kong..dating scene is a heaven for guys but just not so for women. I'd rather enjoy solitude than settling for the wrong guy.
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I'm not advocating settling for the wrong guy.
But suggesting lowering the bar on the things that are not really important in a relationahip. Things like 'must be a senior manager', 'must have own house', etc.
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Thats tough, what do you want a guy for in the first place? You can choose to not be single anytime you wish if you just lower your standards enough. If your looking for happilly ever after though thats going to take a lot more work and time.
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Like I said, concentrate on the things that are important. That is how you find happiness. Some people think that happiness can be found in material security, sadly that is not the case. Material security is no guarantee of happiness. It just buys you a better class of misery.
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Tigerbay
Isn't "better" misery still, well, better??? I think so, I'd rather be in a miserable relationship then be miserable and alone...
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really, who would chose to be miserable either way? Surely, it can't be that hard to find yourself someone you actually want to date... but he is unlikely to knock on your door so maybe you need to get out there.
I can't believe people seriously settle for being miserable with someone else as a better alternative... that is just pathetic. Why would you waste you life like that?!
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She's in her early 30's, not 40's! and she doesn't mention wanting kids ASAP but rather a date at the least and a husband at best....
you really are a troll sometimes LGMV! I can't believe you would recommend that, you just want attention! haha
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Men are intimidated by women who earn more than them. When I earnt more than my boyfriend he utterly hated it and I think the thought that 'he's not good enough for me' may have crossed his mind once or twice. It doesn't help that his family point out that he's less qualified than me, earns less than me, blar blar blar. It is difficult for a woman to find a man who is able to cope with her wealth and powerful position.
My advice is to put yourself in situations where you will be asked out, for example in a bar or possibly in the gym. Western weddings are good places for meeting another half, and there are speed dating clubs in Hong Kong. And when you are asked out, my advice is to say yes, to all of them! Opening your mind to possibilities is the way forward. You will have to kiss a few frogs (not litterally) to find a prince but it's worth it in the end.
A lot of my Chinese friends make snap decisions on first impressions and they're the ones who are miserable and single while I'm happy in a relationship. You can't change a man you don't like but you can polish one up!
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So LGMV how are you proposing she meets these doctors?? At her desk?
I imagine if she had a supply of single (or taken but interested as you also suggested) doctors just hanging around I doubt she would need to be here asking this question!
I feel sorry for your daughters. Your obsession with doctors and seemingly lack of any morals or concern for your daughters happiness, but and your only concern appears to be that they get pregnant to a doctor before they are 30. Ridiculous.
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You still haven't suggested where and when she is possibly going to meet these men?? I imagine, what happens after that is what most of us would consider to be the easy part.
I am suggesting she make an effort to meet new people, do speed dating if she has no time, or online dating, take up a sport. Whatever suits her personality and time, and get out and date men with an open mind. She needs to spend some time trying to find someone they aren't going to come knocking on her door if they don't know she exists are they
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right so your plan is on the bus or in a cab on the way home she is going to meet many suitable men to seduce and have babies with... hum... do you live in the same world as the rest of us?
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Looks like the OP has left the building.
Are you out there Miss A?
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Oh dear, do I need to answer to some questions for you guys? :)
I did log back in to read some comments before, but I found some of the earlier comments quite unfair because they totally misunderstood where I was coming from, so I simply didn't respond - didn't want to start a debate really... until today I was notified of so many responses, I thought I would come back again!
I felt some of the earlier comments were unfair because what I was trying to say was, the guy (in my story) felt he was not smart enough for me - not that I walked away from him because **I thought** he wasn't good enough for me. Like things were all good but all of a sudden he wanted out. So when he asked me out again, I was rather puzzled and felt a bit insecure - because of what he said the last time around. I didn't want to start it all over again and then get the same thing from him again.
I'm rather helpless here because even my female colleagues who heard my story asked "who would dare date you?", so it's not me being picky or thinking too highly of myself, but I think it's 1) maybe the impression I give others - unintentionally really; 2) certain men seem to be after non-career minded women? but hey I can't change my job for that, right? 3) I just haven't met the right one?!
I can tell you, I once dated someone a bit younger than me, earned much less than me, honestly, I didn't mind, but very soon he called it off for the same reason. Someone smart would be good and fun I have to say, but I have really been trying to be open minded and I have appreciated these guys for who they are, but still I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm not desperate or anything, but if I want to be with someone at the end of the day, something has to start some time, and somewhere ....
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Bottom line is, unless you plan seducing a man as suggested by LGMV (not a terrible idea, even if it does violate social norms). You DO have to get out more.
Whether you plan a seduction or a LTR, If you're looking to connect with people, I'd recommend you join the FCC ... vibrant atmosphere without being like a bar or club ... great place to stop off on the way home, lot's of busy professionals, very friendly, and easy to strike up a conversation.
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selda
15 yrs ago
You said that your clock is ticking. I assume you are talking about your biological clock and want to have children. Because if you just want a relationship with a man, age is not an issue. I know plenty of divorced, widowed, single women in their 50s and 60s who met nice men later in life.
So, if kids are high on your agenda, you can support them and have a full-time helper, the good news is that you don't need a man. Nowadays as a single woman you can get frozen sperm sent over from any sperm bank in the world (illegal in HK but available elsewhere). A lot of single women in Europe and the States have taken this route.
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selda
15 yrs ago
well, LGIMV, your plan sounded much more fun than mine, but is she can't find this elusive good-looking, smart doctor, then the sperm bank has a long list of tall, blond, blue-eyed Danish college students. Yes, you can even take a look at their pics, though you cannot know their name, address etc.
If looking for an Asian donor, American sperm banks have quite a few nerdy looking medical students with high IQ, and some good-looking school dropouts who get by donating sperm for money (not a bad occupation) .
Of course, frozen sperm is less effective than fresh sperm, so many shipment and trials might be required to get pregnant. I am sure that if a floating sperm bank came to international waters close to HK, it would be a roaring success. There are so many single women here...and provided that donors are screened for transmittable diseases, some women would not hesitate to pay a lot of money to be inseminated safely and anonymously on that boat. I think this is a great business idea, i wonder why nobody has thought about it, as it would circumvent the restrictive legislation of HK on matters of reproduction rights.
I
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LGVM - you will be surprised! These days you can even get "Celebrity lookalike" sperm donors! Like...ooooh, I wouldn't mind having a kid who looks like a cross between me and that Swedish guy on True Blood! Full catalogues of these lookalikes and you can get their "donation" as soon as you can afford it! Who needs intelligent doctors when you can get that, eh?
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That said: OP, you need to get out more...or the opposite, you need to stop looking too hard...its a toughie.
If you arent getting out at all: You need to get out more
If you are looking in bars and clubs: Start looking in libraries and churches
Yep, pick up a hobby...oh, and speed dating is SO not the place to look, unless you want to go through a 100 other people who couldn't care to give something serious more of their precious life.
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People, like cheese, improve with age. Peoples judgement also, usually, matures. A younger person has little experience of life and frequently can't carry a meaningful conversation (or relationship).
In todays permanently connected high pressure business environment people can end up 'married to their jobs'. Trouble is business or work, as a marriage partner, is unsatisfactory.
The last thing you need to do is to set a date - I must be married by ....
If you don't get out (mix) you will likely change your status. Go on weekend tours or take up some interest - the latter is a good way of meeting someone with a common interest.
Likely a bar or club is not the place to make a 'find'.
As others have implied, life is (supposed to be) an equal opportunity deal and likely there are men also in a similar position and would respond positively if a women made the first move.
And if you have a check list, don't wait to check off every box. You can meet a winner in the most unusual circumstances.
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As Wellington said, there is someone for everyone. My recommendation is to try speeddating. Its a very efficient way of meeting people. No more than 5~8 minutes a person, so no wasted time and you cycle though 15~20 people in one evening.
There is a website which lists all the upcoming events for both locals and expats in Asia called www.speeddateasia.com Its a free resource site with lots of interesting articles as well.
I've been to a few of those events and found it very fun and exciting. A bit rushed at times, but you meet a lot of new friends for sure.
Good luck and Cheers
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You mean like the one in Canada tried for murdering 20 prostitutes and feeding them to his pigs. They think he may have killed 49 girls.
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Sky-News-Archive/Article/20080641296304
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