Family Rift

Not sure if this is the right place to post this as it's not a marriage/relationship problem per se, but more a problem with family relationships. Anyway, just looking for some impartial advice.


When I was back home this summer we had a bit of a family gathering. It was a wonderful evening with great company, good food and the wine flowed freely. Unfortunately, at the very end of the evening when most people had left, there was an 'incident' between my family and a couple of other family members. Thankfully, no one else was present at the time so it didn't ruin anyone else's evening. No doubt the fact that everyone had been drinking contributed to the upset, and things that should never have been said were said.


I can fully understand the other two family members not wanting to have anything to do with us anymore, although it really hurts as we were always quite close and have been through a lot together over the years. But what has really upset me is that a couple of others who were not present at the time have taken sides. I actually find this heartbreaking as we have always been a fairly close family and nothing can change the fact that I really care for these people. What happened, happened for a reason, and I haven't made any excuses or apologies for my family as there was definite provocation, and I believe it was an incident just waiting to happen.


I've spoken with other family members who have thankfully taken the stance that they are not interested in taking sides and don't want to listen to different sides of the story ... in their opinion 'it never happened', which I am really grateful for.


However, I can't get over the sadness that I feel regarding the other four family members. They are the ones I was closest to, throughout my childhood and into adulthood. Why the hell do people have to take sides when they weren't even there. They have since spoken to others and regaled what happened making my family look like the black sheep, but as I said they weren't there and are only listening to the two others who were involved who have given their own account of the incident.


I can't stand the thought of a family rift going on for years and years, especially when it involves people that I have cared so much about, but I don't know what to do about it. I did end up saying some unforgivable things and I truly reget it, so I'm not sure how what kind of a reaction I would get were I to contact them. And I simply don't know what to say. One thing though that I am not prepared to do is to apologise for the actual incident, as I said it was not without provocation, but I do regret the things that I said afterwards ... even if I did mean them, I just wish I hadn't opened my big mouth!


So, does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice on how to handle this situation?

blessed are the peacemakers.

Speak to them.

If you really care, speak to them.


My father and I stopped communicating for years back when I was a teenager. I kidded on it wasn't a problem but it tore me up.

I left the family home, left the country and we never said goodbye to each other.

A couple of years later on the phone to my mother, she said someone wanted to say happy birthday...

It was dad and it was then that I realised what an a** I'd been for the past few years.


Speak to them and mend the relationship. Perhaps it will never be the same or as good as it was but at least you can try. It may prove that the test makes you all the stronger.

You'll never know unless you speak to them.

Unless people start to appologise there will be no peace.


You regret what you said, so you should admit that you are to blame for your own words. Perhaps room for an appology there.


It is often a case of who is going to appologise first. As long as both sides see this as backing down there will be an impass.


So who is going to go first?

Your message on this site is very touching, even though we don't know you. Why don't you write to them ? ... it would be hard to be insensitive.

If those family members had had taken your side instead of the other's. Would you have felt better or the same? There is no good judge in family matter. The best way is to resolve the problem with the ones you had problem originally. Putting down the pursue of who is right and who is wrong I think it is the easiest way to go.

Do you know I could've written this!!! Infact I had to do a double take just to check that it wasn't actually one of my old posts being dragged up.


I'm really sorry. I am in the same situation and it seems that it may have happened under very simular circumstances.


Our families siding resulted in the whole of my Mothers family not talking to us and we are now in our 8th year. In this time I have had 2 children and my father has been diagnosed with Cancer and still the fued goes on.


If you want to pm me please do.


Trudy

sicn - "If those family members had had taken your side instead of the other's. Would you have felt better or the same?"


I would have prefered those other family members to keep out of it and to have not taken any sides at all ... to have been unbiased ... especially as they weren't even present at the time, so don't know what really happened ... they have just chosen to believe everything the other two have told them. Afterwards, I just kept my head down and let them get on with it. But, the really sad thing is, that they seem to have made my parents 'outcasts' ... and they weren't even present either. I feel really bad for my mum because it's her family ... and they were close. She says she's not bothered, and if they want to be like that then she'd rather not know them ... but I know deep down she's upset and I feel that it's all our fault.


hoyo - "sapphire, what happened exactly? could you tell us here?"


I'd prefer not to go into too much detail if you don't mind ... everything in my original post gives enough info for anyone to advise me on what they think would be the best action to take ... and I'm very grateful so far to those who have responed. It's good to hear what 'outsiders' who aren't emotionally involved think.


Ringo23/trudy/iwilltry - Sorry you've all been through similar things too. Why can some families be such a pain in the neck. The old saying, "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family", is so, so true!! Give me my friends anyday!!


Trudy - Thanks, I will send you a pm later.

Here's my thoughts on any kinda family hoo-haa (lord knows we all, no wait, not ALL of us, but many of us, have this sort of jazz goin on):


Just remember the steadfast rule: Your opinion and wishes are completely WORTHLESS. (and the sooner you figure it out, the sooner you will stop trying to fix things, feel sorry for others or try to fix something that is SO not your problem) :o)


Unless YOU personally hurled an insult or threw a punch, I would suggest you quit wasting time feeling sad, fretting about how to fix it or missing what was. Repeat after me: This is not my problem and if they want to fix it, let em. Your Mum has the right idea...if her own kind are willing to judge her like that and do so without even having been there, they are better off not being heard of.


The thing is, what do you mean by "I feel that it's all our fault"?


Who is the OUR?


Seems its you that is more worried about something done...and if so, why feel guilty? Make sure you think long and hard about whether you are the sort of person to blame yourself regularly...Sometimes when you care so much about others, that happens, you think the problems they have are somehow your fault...more often than not, its NOT your fault.


Chin up. It took me yeeeeaaaaarrrss to realize that my family, when drunk, get into a fight are somehow their own problem. I avoid drinking around my family now, its worked out perfectly for me. :o) And I vowed to stop trying to mend other family members problems with each other. That brought my stress level to zero. Good luck.

Justin Credible - Thanks for those words of wisdom! You've actually said a lot of what my husband's been saying to me ... he's basically said sod 'em!!

Your husband is the credible voice here...he isnt emotionally mixed up in this, I am sure he sees it like it is. Take his advice, girl :o)

sapphire, are you indian? too many bollywood movies? sounds like it, to be honest.


in my culture, we judge by what we have done, apologize if that was something wrong, and then move on. if someone wants to have an issue, let them have one. doesn't matter who they are

Its easy for ypur husband to say sod em, its not 'his' family.

Hi, we have the same problem in our family except the problem is between my husband's brother and his wife against us. We all got along quite well until my BIL got married to my SIL. My SIL never liked us. She saw us as a threat, would criticise us and would "manipulate" my parents in law into criticising us.


But the way I see it, I'm too busy with my own life to worry about these petty feuds. Let them play their games on their own and say what they want. I'm only interested in my own family and my own life.


Sapphire, I agree with what's been said. Just let them be. You cannnot stop conflicts from happening but you can choose to not let it affect you. Your mum of course is hurting because it is her family. I feel bad that it's my family too. I don't have my family here, only my inlaws and both my SIL/BIL are not supportive... but the thing is, it is THEIR problem. Their dissatisfaction is their problem, not mine. Let those who have a problem deal with it.

cookie09 - I can't begin to imagine why on earth you would think I am Indian?? No offence taken or anything, but no, I'm not Indian. I don't think it makes any difference what culture someone if from ... I would imagine all cultures have their family problems and I guess we all have ways of dealing with them ... or not:-(


Ultimately, it's my parents I feel sorry for, especially my mum who wasn't even present at the time of the incident, but some members of her own family seem to be not talking to her, when she has done nothing wrong. Anyway, I'll let it be for the time being. Maybe when everyone has calmed down a bit, if it continues, then I'll have to say something.

I understand how you feel and just want to put out some helpful ideas.

I don't think any dramatic feeling is good for making peace.

You will continue feeling hurt as long as you put yourself in a victom position.

Is it possible to try to put yourself in a position that can take more control of the situation and let the love in the family prevail?

I agree with Justin Credible IF this is a recurring pattern - then you need to set up some boundaries so you're not continuously hurt...


but if not - well, you can be right or you can be happy... what's more important to you?

I think I went about three years without talking to any of my family members... not because of any falling out but because I just never had occassion to call them. I live aboard from my family.. most of my family lives in various places around the world and we're not always in touch. Christmas and weddings is usually the only time we talk. Doesn't stop me caring about them though.


As the old idiom goes, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. To be honest, I wouldn't be at all bothered if my family didn't talk to me, I'm not sure what you're so worried about. Everything sorts itself out in the end. Just leave them to calm down and I'm sure they'll see the error in their ways. So what if they don't talk to you? I'm sure you have a lot more going on in your life than just your family! Especially if they're not even in your nuclear family.


Is that a far too modern and western opinion? Might be.