Need practical and realistic advise.....



ORIGINAL POST
Posted by EdwardSmith 15 yrs ago
Hi everyone


I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months (we've known each other for 1 year). He lives in Malaysia and I work in china and so we can only be together when he comes to china - he travels extensively for his business and in the last 8 months we've seen each other 5 times... Our plan is that he will move to China so we can spend more time together. However, this has been delayed for three months. Everytime he has a reason for it. Now I begin to doubt if this will ever happen.


Another problem is that he is not a very good communicator - either he is too busy to explain everything in detail or he just doesn't want to explain everything in detail, either way its not good.


I don't doubt his initial intention of moving to china was genuine, perhaps he has changed his mind now (but to this date he still says it will happen and our last conversation on this topic was about looking for an apartment together in mid October, but I am afraid that comes mid Oct comhe will have other reasons to delay it again).


Can anyone give me any advise on what I should do? Should I believe him and wait til mid October or the previous delays are already hints that the move will not happen.


Thank you.

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COMMENTS
tigerbay 15 yrs ago
To the original poster EdwardSmith, are you a gay male. This may have some bearing with regards to behaviour.

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EdwardSmith 15 yrs ago
Thanks Cara for the advise.


Tigerbay, I am a straight female, EdwardSmith is just an alias.

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VirginieL 15 yrs ago
Men never like to explain things in detail... he might have some stuff to arrange before to make such a big move, work, papers, furnitures, see his friends, family... don't be impatient, and don't push him...

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tigerbay 15 yrs ago
If he is busy then it is possible he does not have details, yet. I would wait and see. If you crowd him he may well back off.

From a guys perspective - Avoid giving any ultimatums like, 'if you don't come in October it is all off'. Must of us guys don't appreciate being cornered.

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vallient 15 yrs ago
It's not going to happen. Moving to another country requires a lot of work and changes. Work that can't be done at the last minute. If he was really moving, then he would have done a lot of those things already and he'd have a lot more details. My best guess is that he's either really busy and hasn't been able to do anything, or he's no real intention to follow through on moving. In retrospect, from his point of view, he's only seen you 5 times, your a long way away, he works a lot (which means he's somewhat anchored to his job). This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't care for you, he's just not in a position to overcome the obstacles to him relocating.

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EdwardSmith 15 yrs ago
Philvirg, why men don't like to explain everything in detail? Do they think women are too stupid to understand anything? I think at least he has to tell me why its been delayed, don't you?

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EdwardSmith 15 yrs ago
He runs his own business. He planned to develop his business before we met. I work for a contract in china so can't move until I finish the contract.

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vallient 15 yrs ago
We don't like explaining things in detail because we are very practical and don't consider unrelated, irrelevant, non central, minor details as being important. Take the following example:

Girl says to female coworker: I am such a mess today. I didn't get up until late this morning, and (starts crying a bit)

Female coworker: Oh gosh, are you OK, what's wrong?

Girl: (Sniffles), Well you see i was coming home on friday after having a few drinks with that new guy from accounting. You know the american with the cute hair.

Female coworkers: Yes, oh you are so lucky, he get's a lot of attention from other girls, but he hasn't been out with anyone else I think.

Girl: Yeah thats him well we went for drinks and he was so cute and nice, and I gave him my mobile number and as soon as we parted he SMS me to go for lunch tomorrow and i SMS him back and say "It has to be a fast lunch"

Female Coworker: Oh that is so smart of you. So why so sad, was he bad guy.

Girl: (Sniffles again), Oh no I was going home on the metro thinking of him, and as i got home I almost triped on a crack in my stairs.

Female Coworker: i thought you said you were OK, did you hurt yourself?

Girl: No, see I almost triped but I caught myself on the wall.

Female Coworker: Oh very lucky for you.

Girl: Yes, it was but I walked into the apartment and went to feed my goldfish, and and (sniffles, about to cry again) little Nemo (the fish) was floating on his back.

Female Coworker: Was he....

Girl: YES, he had died, and I've been so sad all weekend. I couldn't go to lunch the next day, because my sister came over and we talked until morning about what it meant.

Female Coworker: Oh that's horrible. I'm so sorry for you (Hugs Girl).


Now to a male the only thing he heard was: 1) Fish Dead, 2) Girl Sad


That is why men don't give details....

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VirginieL 15 yrs ago
Just like vallient said... it's nothing to see with being stupid or intelligent, it's just to see with being a man and a woman. Guys dont' like to talk about their problems, they just solve them, and your boyfriend seems to have a lot to solve. You also need to trust him.

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Z 15 yrs ago
Why on earth would you even want to be in a relationship with somebody who either doesn't trust you or respect you enough to explain in detail?


The idea that men don't like to talk about their problems is a red herring. Imagine if a man were to say to his boss "I don't want to talk about why the very important client that I met with yesterday is suddenly deciding to sever the relationship with our company." Even if he were intent on solving the problem himself, he would need to tell his boss his game-plan for doing so in detail.

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EdwardSmith 15 yrs ago
Thanks all. It would be good to have more opinions from guys' perspective.

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tigerbay 15 yrs ago
There seems to be an imbalance of priorities here. This is normal in any relationship.


It seems that the relationship between you two is highre on your list of priorities that it is on his.


Again this is normal and this is a guy thing.


No point in asking why, we are just different.

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cookie09 15 yrs ago
Am a guy so will comment :)


I think you are reading him and his priorities wrong (as tigerbay just mentioned).


You clarified that he runs a business. My guess is that him moving to China will only happen if he can expand his business in China. Your relationship basically follows his business, not the other way around. Accept it and be happy or move on.


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elsdon 15 yrs ago
Hi there.


I had posted yesterday but Ed deleted my comment and I got a warning. I think it was my tough love tone of voice, but whatever, nazi *cough*


Let me preface this by saying I'm male.


So you have been dating for 8 months, and you've seen him 5 times in those 8 months? You said you wanted the truth, so here it is. I think you should move on. Regardless of whether or not he's playing you, I don't think he considers seeing somebody 5 times every 8 months a 'relationship'.


Reality is that your 'relationship' doesn't have the emotional foundation to warrant him picking up his life and moving to China. If he does? I'd say there's an ulterior motive still.


Take care.

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Ed 15 yrs ago
Actually I just edited out some remarks... we are all friends here

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EdwardSmith 15 yrs ago
I believe he is genuine re our relationship but, like what tigerbay says, it may not be his priority right now. Like I said he already planned to expand his business into china right before we met. He's got the relevant business licence and china entry visa already. It's just a matter him packing and moving. I understand he is very busy because he is responsible for the Asia pacific region and the apac expansion has just started 3 months ago. What I want to happen is just that he moves to china as soon as possible.

Now I see that this is something that he may not be able to do but I am quietly confident that it will happen but highly unlikely according to my schedule.

Good point re seeing each other 5 times in 8 months. But I think this is not too bad for a long distance relationship. A lot of people I'm LDR only see each other once every 3, 4 months.

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GemmaW 15 yrs ago
It's easy. He needs time to sort his things (personally and business-wise) before going over. After all, moving to another country is a big thing. Then there's the question of whether or not he's into you. Well, you've only met a few times so of course, he's not just going to drop everything and follow love blindly? He's being sensible making sure everything is in order before he makes the move. Give him time.


It's not just a "guy" thing. I married my husband 8 years ago. It took me half a year AFTER the wedding to get things organised before moving to HK AND I was supoosed to come like 2 months after. It was a big move and I wanted to make sure I had everything sorted first. It didn't mean I loved him less, I just wanted to make sure everything was in order.

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xpatwilier 15 yrs ago
GemmaW,

Not sure your situation is comparable. You were married BEFORE you took so long to move to HK. You and your husband already made a huge commitment by getting married.


If this gal has only met up with the guy 5 times in 8 months, they can hardly be compared to a committed married couple!

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xpatwilier 15 yrs ago


iwilltry,


Congratulations on finding the right one. I am v happy that you are in a fulfilling marriage. I feel you are misconstruing my point. I am a romantic as much as you, so I don't disagree that love should be the driving force behind commitment.


You must admit that your situation for getting married is not the norm. Most people (not all) do spend considerable time with their other halves before contemplating marriage. I know very few people that marry after meeting someone in person twice. As I don;t know gemmaw personally, I assumed (by law of averages) that this was indeed the case with her, i.e. she had met her boyf much more than 5 times in 8 months, etc. Having already committed themselves to each other (through the process of marriage), they are in a different place in their life from people who are just dating.


As for marriage not being a commitment, I disagree with you. Of course, divorce is always an option or get out clause but this does not undermine the fact that most people go into marriage after extensive and careful consideration about what it entails. As such, I assumed GemmaW went through this whole process.


The author of this thread doesn;t even seem sure what her boyfriend's motives are. It's his commitment that we are questioning! I hardly find the 2 situations the same.



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Tommyknocker 15 yrs ago
His commitment doesn't exist. His priority is his business, not you. That is pretty clear.

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GemmaW 15 yrs ago
"GemmaW,

Not sure your situation is comparable. You were married BEFORE you took so long to move to HK. You and your husband already made a huge commitment by getting married."


If what you're saying is true, that is not comparable, then as a married wife, I should have had no hesitation in just picking up and leaving my home country to join my husband here immediately.


However, I didn't. I stayed in my home country longer.


A move is a move. It is a big step. Some are like me and want things organised properly first. It's unfair to say that he's not into her. Maybe he IS putting his business first, but why not? They haven't met that long. Or maybe he is dead serious about making a life in China that's why he's taking a longer time to plan?



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tigerbay 15 yrs ago
Edward Smith,


I think you already said he got his business license etc.

This means he is coming. Relocating a business to a new country is not like moving house. It is far more complicated, there are many delays, and also many issues that tie you down at the old office for longer than you want.


One company I worked for took 2 years to fully open operations in Shanghai, and that company was based in HK. Mostly down to delays with permissions, logistics, and getting the right staff to relocate.

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Sensei 15 yrs ago
Edward Smith,

Listen to hoyo. This is the voice of reason. Don't let your emotions overwhelm you. Seek the truth, not only in those aound you, but also in your heart.

Sensei

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liveindream 15 yrs ago
Do what make u happy. don't settle for less because u will get lesser.

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AiZhongWen 15 yrs ago
He is rather self-centred if he takes the relationship seriously, yet doesn't feel he should provide an explanation for his procrastination. Any decent person would consider the other's point of view. Even if he feels he shouldn't be obliged to explain himself, at the same time he ought to consider your feelings, and realise that an explanation would make you feel more comfortable.

You should think about whether this guy is worth pursuing. From what you've said, it sounds like he's not keen on moving to China (are you sure he doesn't have other girlfriends in Malaysia?), and even if he does move, these sorts of issues are likely to continue. How will you feel if he moves, but frequently goes away on his "business trips" but is very sparing with the details about where he's actually going and what he's actually doing?

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simplest 15 yrs ago
LDR kills, you should know this before you start

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RaySmashingS 15 yrs ago
The fact that you ask the forum to advice you shows that you know that there is a problem. Trust your gut feeling.


Take control on your life and read the massage that is written on the wall.


In fact you read it however you ask the forum to act on it.


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KalanStar 15 yrs ago
You've only been dating 8 months and you expect him to move to China for you, that's the problem maybe 2 or 3 years down the road, such a move would make sense. Think; how would he feel if after 8 months and 5 visits he packed up and moved to China, and then 3 months later you broke up??? Like a bloody idiot! How would you feel packing up and moving to Malaysia?

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novice_trial 15 yrs ago
I hope that my advise would be any of used to you

moving to other country is one big step

maybe he do not said an every detail to you because a several things

well I will put it like this

-some men demand a perfection

the way I see is he might be having a problem with his work or his family recently

and for some reason he just cannot talk to you maybe he is worried when he talk to you about that ,something

bad between you two might happened .

so he might be have to postpone his plan silently to moving abroad

he is worried too much when he forced himself to moving abroad it will make both of you more suffering..

its a best if you could ask him nicely whats going on

But I believe if he is really love you, sooner or later he would move to china

its best to endure your patience a little longer if you still want this relationship to go on

...that's my suggestion.

well I can keep it like this because I'm pretty much in the same situation with you

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