What do men do when they want to end a relationship?

Would they just disappear without saying anything? I mean most men would at least say something like 'it's not working for us...' or 'I met someone else' or 'I don't love you anymore', I mean some kind of closure, right?


My friend is in a situation where her bf has been inaccessable for a few days. Does it mean this guy has dumbed her? Mind you they don't live in the same country and this man is super busy guy (top executive of a company) and is now working on a very imprtant project according to him. My friend has emailed him, SMS him but no reply at all. I asked her to call him but she said no point as it's very clear that he doesn't want to be contacted anymore.


My question: is this a common way for a man to break up with his gf?

If he is married - I would think that is exactly how it would happen.

He is not married.

Why is the conclusion reached that of the man dumping the girl? The guy might have met an accident, incapacitated, had an amnesia, or something else!


But some men (or women for that matter) really do the disappearing act!

How long have they been bf/gf?


How long is a few days?


How many SMS and emails has she been sending, and how often?

Well they've been bf/gf for about a year. A few days is like 4-5 days.... from what I know, she's sent 5-6 SMSs, all on the first 2 days, and an email the day after, oh and call too, but no one picked up the phone.


I thought he might have some kind of accident too because, if I was the guy, I would at least tell my friend that I was leaving her and would not want to be contacted again, this way she would not keep SMSing / calling / emailing etc...


Just doesn't make sense.

Maybe his mobile has been stolen and he has been busy at the same time.

Maybe he is away on business and has poor comms.

A phone call would confirm if the phone is active. Even if he does not answer.


But I would wait.

No point in becoming a cyber stalker for nothing.

Or jumping to conclusions

if he was really running away, he would have changed the phone number straight away (happened to a friend of mine) and it would get a " this number is not in service" message. It seems more likely his phone is lost/stolen and he needs to get a new SIM and a new handset, which if he is travelling may take a while. pray for his safe return.

Going back to the original question "What do men do when...?"


There must be 101 different answers to that question. No two guys are exactly the same.

Well, my friend called him again and this time he answered but apparently line quality was not good, so my friend could hear him but he couldn't hear her (he could be pretending tho).


Therefore my conclusion: this man has not had any accident or got his phone stolen or anything... my friend had sent one sms and email after the call she made, however still has no response.


This guy has left her without saying anything. The world is full of wiered people.

Thanks hoyo, I'll tell her that.


What I can't understand is why he does this.... they were talking about taking a vacation together in October two weeks before and were supposed to meet (he coming to HK) last week to finalize the details!


What this guy does is really beyond me.

Why are some people afraid of cats? Why some are afraid of heights? It's called phobia but nobody really understand it that well but just try to accept it and deal with it.


No need to understand this man, just accept it that this is how he is. Forget him and move on, or wait for him and accept him for what he is.

Men in particular are weak creatures. It`s easier for some of them to walk away silently instead of seeking a backbone and standing up to something, especially in the relationship department.

The guy sounds like a complete loser. I actually feel sorry for him to walk around in life like that. Big exec or not, he obviously has a lot of emotional problems.

Your `friend` is actually lucky that she was able to find this out about him sooner rather than later. No one deserves to get treated like that.

from personal experience, i would rather a woman think i am a complete a**hole and move on without sitting down with her and telling her my personal emotional opinions of her - just because they don't fit the square pegs with her round holes TRANSLATED just because my opinions / wants / desires doesn't match hers - doesn't make her a bad person. maybe it makes me a bad person.


but irregardless - I try first to go this way - but they dont seem to accept it. so just walking away and her hating my guts is always the best way / quickest way for her to re-group.

That's such bullshit. Men like that are really disgusting. If you had a history with that person and shared moments, shared thoughts you become closer to that person and you owe her to let her know why you can't be with her anymore.

It is not hard to speak it out, answer questions and then leave for good.

I have dumped quite a few guys in my life and I have always faced being afraid to hurt a person because I knew what they felt for me but in the end I was always strong enough. It is a disgusting weakness to walk away without a word. It is very very childish. Something that Teens do. People like that tend to lie a lot also.

I feel sorry for them.

agree with ice.


people who do that are just coward and extremely selfish. And yes, they do tend to lie..

Most people are answering the wrong question, which by the way is quite a common thing to do on these situations:


Question: Why did he dissapeared?

Answer: Because he is an a-hole / weak / loser / etc...


Is that the real answer? Is that a real answer at all?


I have two cues that clearly tell me he is either married or in a very serious relationship already (distance relationship + suddenly a big project that takes up all of his time. This, ladies, is standard equipment for married guys who want to dump their lovers). This said, it doesn't really matter, because what is clear is that he doesn't want to see her.


The reasons are far from he being an a-hole. I see him as a very pragmatic person choosing the shortest distance between two points. I bet the girl is veery emotional and he knew that, shall he come to her "clean" and say "honey, I want to end this" the first words that would come from her mouth would be on the lnes of "why? is there someone else? how can you do this to me? do you have any idea how much I love you? Why you gave me the hope and now throw me away?..." you get the picture.


If I want to dump someone I want to do it in the less traumatic way. If I knew, for a fact, that a girl would simply say "cool, have a nice life" I would definitely come clear. And so would many other guys. The problem is that many women [yeah yeah I can already hear you ladies say "not me"] hear us, but don't listen to us, forcing us to take such measures.


Sure, there are women out there who you could actually end with no bad mojo, but would you risk getting all the melodrama when is a proven fact that most women will make a big scene? I don't think so.


Closure is, in many cases, a word that sugar-codes "let me see you one more time so I can do what I can to embarrass you for dumping me". Thanks but not thanks.


Sure, the guy is an a-hole and a coward and whatever, but at the end of the day he got what he wanted, melodrama-free, and now he is back to his wife and kids. Who ended up on top?


As for the girl, the guy stopped contacting you. What other clue do you want? What kind of closure do you need? He is no longer interested at you, so move on and find someone who does.

that's exactly what WE meant, for whatever reason :being married ( meant he cheated and lied ,to both women involved, or more..), or being coward, and/ or selfish.. or all of them.. he's absolutely an a..s, and the end of it!

@ Berlinman


"If I want to dump someone I want to do it in the less traumatic way. If I knew, for a fact, that a girl would simply say "cool, have a nice life" I would definitely come clear. And so would many other guys. The problem is that many women [yeah yeah I can already hear you ladies say "not me"] hear us, but don't listen to us, forcing us to take such measures."


That I have to say I find to be a very ridiculous excuse. That's like saying I would've gone to school every day if it would not have to wake up in the morning. Or if the classes wouldn't be that hard.

It's like saying I would've brought up my child but it said it didn't want me or it's too complicated they scream too much and don't understand I want their best.

U get what I am saying.... nothing in life comes easy. And if you start avoiding everything that is too hard ot that you can't be bothered with you are a very destructive person but as well in my eyes no man.

Every person has to stand up for what they caused and if it is that at one point you can make the decision to share yourself with a person you gotta be brave and man/woman enough to also end it properly. If the other person is still hurt it is not your responsibility anymore as long as you said the truth. Clean ending, move on, live a respectful live. That is a man to me.

I for once fully agree with Berlinman.


Icethy, because "nothing in life comes easy" it does not make sense to add more complications. Would you go to school if you didn't have to? Would you go to work evey day and take heat from your boss if you day you win the lottery? Life is complicated enough, so I, too, do exactly what Berlinman says: Take the easy path whatever possible.


To you, a real man would do this or would do that...but from the man's point of view (with all due respect, and not meaning you but "a woman"), who cares what you think? The guy of this story couldn't care less about the girl, and he got exactly what he wanted, drama-free.


"Every person has to stand up for what they caused". That probaly sounds great in a children's book, but reality is far from it. I know that eventually that guy might be caught, and the lover will try to make his life hell...worst case scenario he will have to divorce his wife when she finds out...big deal. Again, worst case scenario he will give her whatever money he has to, and be single again. Then, in a year, or two, or five, all that money given will be recovered by work and he will continue doing whatever he wants.


Trust me when I tell you, I have been there, and I know that there is no fairness in life. Life is not about whoever is clean will be rewarded and whoever is dirty will pay for it. Life is about who is smarter, meaning "street-smart". Believe what you will, but how about looking at reality for one second? The guy play with that girl, took what he wanted, dissapeared and now he is happily back to his wife or whoever he is really with, or with a new bunnie. I don't really see him suffering any time soon.


As for the girl, I hope this is a lesson learned.

I get what you saying Txcowboy.

In the end lots of it depends on yourself, the individual. What you see as important in life that needs to be taken care of. You might make a choice to take the easy path out and leave a person wounded and you can live with it happily. That defines you. That defines us. The choices we make. I will never make a choice like that because I am compassionate enough to understand that excusing it with reality is no answer. I will treat as I want to be treated. I never lived after, „they did it to me so I’ll do it to others“. Or „everyone is doing it anyway, why not join“. Not exactly my philosophy. Easy way out? Only if no one else gets harmed. Is my life harder than yours (or the person that chooses to leave without notice)? Probably, but so worth it.

Life’s not fair. And believe it or not I learned that lesson. We all will. We're surrounded by it. But as long as it is in my power to contribute to fairness I will.

And so long I will point my finger at people who don't. Because just the fact that it is widespread, doesn't excuse it nor does it make it a good thing.

You don't get what I said, Icethy. Firstly, because I didn't say a thing. I wrote it. Secondly, because you won't be in that position. If you were, you would think differently.


Did it occur to you that, by lying, men avoid being all that drama? So that the girl starts shouting or crying or making a scene is correct, and avoiding all that by lying is wrong?


Ending a relationship with an emotional wreck (which, by the way, that might very well be the reason why he ended up with her) is next to impossible. Let's suppose that he is a clean guy who wants out simply because she is too dependent emotionally. In this case, when he wants out she will make a scene. Is that correct? Trust me, he had a reason to dissapear.


And you are right, we live with our choices. Some are stupid enough to tell he truth to someone who can't handle the truth. Then she makes a scene. Some are smart enough to take what they want and leave untouched. Forget about compassion because we only think about that when we are the ones getting hurt. I am sure anyone (including you, including me) at one point had this ugly person who really loved us but we couldn't love them back because they were too ugly, or fat, or whatever...where was our compassion, then?


The world is unfair, so get used to it. And only losers talk about what they would do. Let me give you an example that I hear all the time: Losers with no money always say that money is not important...I wonder how can they know if they never had any? In the same way, only losers without the balls to grab life with its horns always talk about how they would never do such things...


He probably knew she was a psycho.

You are a very judging person Txcowboy. Talking to you is like trying to talk to a fanatic believer about religion. I am not trying to change your beliefs. I am a very adaptable person and I get along with everyones opinion. I am balanced out and can see things from almost every point of view. But I also have my own beliefs. I have a strong sense of morality also. And just because you are different and I am different you think you need to knock sense into me. In that position or not I would and will never act like you do. I call it wrong. You call it reasonable. I understand how your mind works different and why you see it like that. I have read your arguments.

I have pointed out mine. I am happy to let my opinion exist next to yours. You might think I am stupid, naive, prude. Great, who cares, you don’t know me and I know so much better. I might think you are a jerk, a loser, heartless. Great, you don’t really care do you? I would never claim unduly to say so though because I do not know who you are. I might even like you in real. I like a lot of people. I am quite easy going and I like debating with people of different minds.


You are very stubborn on believing that the guy has the right to disappear since the chick is most likely to scream and cry and make a scene. I hope that was not all you have experienced in your life. As for me I know women of more pride and strength and emotional independence. I’d rather die than doing so. I have ended quite a few „relationships“ myself or turned people down, more than half of them are still my friends the other half chose that they couldn’t bear the pain being around me. Fair enough. Thank god I never had guys screaming, crying or making scenes. I had stalkers though who couldn’t understand that a no was a no. Very annoying at that point I always would get unfriendly.


I can’t forget about compassion. I can‘t stop giving. I can’t stop believing in good. It is my nature. And the world is so so unfair. I agreed on that already. Still I am not unfair, I am not a loser either, but you calling me one because you can’t accept another point of view maybe makes you one. And grabbing life with its horns meaning as long as pleasing just oneself might be enough for you. It is not for me.

You are of different nature, you had a different environment than me, you grew up differently, you had your own experiences, you made your own choices. And so did I.

Your truth will never be mine.

ice, I totally agreed with you, I have to say we are more or less the same type of person. Leaving somebody hanging there, wondering what went wrong without closure is not the right thing to do, ceratinly I do not wish to be treated like that. Althought I must admit it is indeed very difficult to inform somebody you want out of the relationship, but however difficult it is, I will face the difficulties rather than run away.

Ice, I don't want to make a personal war with you, first because I am a pacifist and second because we may both very well [and very rightfully] be banned. So don't take what I write as a personal attack on you whatsoever.


This explained, allow me to ellaborate my oppinion on your points:


"...I am a very adaptable person and I get along with everyones opinion...". One thing are oppinions, which everybody has one. Another are facts, which are pretty much undeniable. For instance, is a fact that, in this story, the guy got away unscratched. And is another undeniable fact that, shall the guy try to get closure, he probably stand a great chance to have a huge nonsensical crying-baby drama. Is not my oppinion, is something tested and proved.


"You are very stubborn on believing that the guy has the right to disappear since the chick is most likely to scream and cry and make a scene."

Here is prove positive that you mix fiction with reality. Maybe Jennifer Aniston would make a scene and then that other actor will say "sorry, I have no right to leave you like that", but if you care to power off your TV set you will find out that, in FACT, he did leave her. No matter what you or anyone thinks is right or wrong, no matter that you or other poor women think he will "one day get what he deserves". Today, he got what he wanted and got away with it, drama-free. That's not my oppinion, that is again, a fact. So what are you [as in "any woman in this world"] going to do about it? Nothing. You can't do a damn thing. He exercise his "right" to take advantage of the naiveness (sugar-coded word for "stupidity", if you ask me) of the girl and then go back to his wife or his new love.


" I’d rather die than doing so"

I am sure you are different. Then again, here we are not discussing you, but G-E-N-E-R-A-L-I-Z-I-N-G about a case that was exposed for us. I will take an educated guess that you haven't date as many women as, as a man, did. On that basis, I believe I know how women react when they have being dumped better than you, in the same way that you know about men being dumped more than me. Since I have been in tha situation numerous times, I can categorically and empirically confirm that is 100 times better to dissapear and/or to lie than to be honest.


Think about it. Lie is expensive. Dissapearing is also expensive. Both can go wrong. Why would someone take that expensive path? Simple: The other option is even more costly. being honest with an emotional fiesta who will blow in your face is stupid and wasteful of time and energy.


" Still I am not unfair, I am not a loser either, but you calling me one because you can’t accept another point of view maybe makes you one. And grabbing life with its horns meaning as long as pleasing just oneself might be enough for you. It is not for me. "


Well. The concept of "loser" is also easy to demostrate. People who are happy with what life has given them are losers, simply because they refuse to put up a fight to get better, to be better. People who don't fight and grab life by its horns never amount of anything. These are not the people who find cures for cancer because they don't have the balls to do it. These are not the people who write great books because they don't have the balls to think themselves worth of it. These are the people who "go with the flow", who get conquered, who get the scraps off the table. When you stand up and say to life "not me, I won't be the one being dumped. I am going to take the best I can because I have something going on for me", then you are a winner. People respect you for that, and nobody dissapear on you because you glow with intelligence and power. Maybe in another life being a nobody is a sign of not being a loser, but in this life is quite the opposite.


"Your truth will never be mine."

But sometimes there is only one truth: He got away. He had his fun. He didn't even said goodbye to her. He dissapeared because, to him, she wasn't even worth a phone call. To him, she wasn't worh a single dollar to put on a payphone in the middle of a dirty street. That is a fact. That is what happened unless the writer lied to us. That, is the truth, and no matter the delusions and fairy tales and stories than mummy told you, that, my dear stranger, is the reality according to the story we read.


Finally, allow me to remain you that I have never once said that what he did was "right" or "wrong". It does not matter. Again, the fact is that he got away with it.


TX.


PS: Keep an eye on the topic and make oppinions about the topic. I don't care you making personal attacks on me, but chances are moderators won't be as flexible as I am. Cheers!

Cowboy, I do not consider this a personal war. I can assure you I am just as much of a pacifist. I think I am pretty much keeping an eye on the topic, the rest is something that has something to do about different opinions on the same topic. As I said I am happy to let my way of thinking exist next to yours. We are creating an inner discussion that involves the case. You commented on my reply I comment on yours. I have to apologise if you felt personally attacked by what I said. I am correcting myself, I mean by what I wrote. :) What may have caused that bit of negative energy might be 1. the fact that my mother tongue is german and what I write may come out differently in english, or 2. I thought it was inapproprite by you using the word loser referring to my way of thinking. But as you said it is not worth the ban and I accept your opinion on that.


„ I am sure you are different. Then again, here we are not discussing you, but G-E-N-E-R-A-L-I-Z-I-N-G about a case that was exposed for us.“


I have never disagreed on the fact! that men tend to run away without notice. And then I also mentioned, and I cannot mention it enough, I find it wrong. That is how I contributed to this thread. By expressig my opinion which is also mentioning how I would act, what I would do, if I have been in the situation, if I am different or not… I think that is common practice in forums. The gathering of information, opinions, different views of as many different people as possible.

You do generalize a lot. Losers do this, most men do this, most women do this. You argue by either 1. What you have experienced


„I will take an educated guess that you haven't date as many women as, as a man, did. On that basis, I believe I know how women react when they have being dumped better than you, in the same way that you know about men being dumped more than me. […] Since I have been in tha situation numerous times, I can categorically and empirically confirm that is 100 times better to dissapear and/or to lie than to be honest. “


2. Generalizing on what you think is statistically proven (I say think because there are no resources, I get though that for a few things common sense is enough).


„And is another undeniable fact that, shall the guy try to get closure, he probably stand a great chance to have a huge nonsensical crying-baby drama. Is not my oppinion, is something tested and proved.“


We look at the same case but we see and analyse different things. We are answering in different ways. As much as you try to sound neutral you still do emphasize with the guy that walks away because it might be easier for you to project yourself in that persons shoes. Since he’s a guy also. And you should know about guys better than I do. Again may I quote:


„Since I have been in tha situation numerous times, I can categorically and empirically confirm that is 100 times better to dissapear and/or to lie than to be honest.“


I also say this because you keep telling me about how the guy comes out happy, unscratched… well easy way out. I get that is the story, that is what is going on. In your words it is fact. Everyone who read through the thread knows that by now. Now I took one step further and put a stamp on it saying „it is wrong“. By my own morality I find it wrong. Will it change that guy? Is it gonna change that womans life? No. Nothing for them. Do I say it is wrong because I wanna change that person mentioned in this case or because I forgot that it is a fact? No again I say it because this is a public forum for people to leave their opinion because I wanna express myself and let people know I am not like that.


„In FACT, he did leave her. No matter what you or anyone thinks is right or wrong, no matter that you or other poor women think he will "one day get what he deserves". Today, he got what he wanted and got away with it, drama-free. That's not my oppinion, that is again, a fact.“


And a little bit your opinion too. Again I have to quote:


„Since I have been in tha situation numerous times, I can categorically and empirically confirm that is 100 times !better! to dissapear and/or to lie than to be honest.“


That in my opinion, is an opinion. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion though. As Voltaire used to say: "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."

And fact or not I still find it wrong. Sex traffic is a fact. Still find it wrong. Children dying from hunger is a fact. I still find it wrong. People lying, cheating, running away is a fact. I still find it wrong.

And everything onwards from „Think about it. Life is expensive….“ Is an opinion also. You can also call it fact. Because it doesn’t just happen to you. I can also call it fact that there is numerous people in this life that do make clean closures between their different relationships.

I don’t wanna go to deep into the „Loser debate“. Again it is your opinion. To me losers are people who don’t think of others. I agree you have to fight for what you want though. But every individual wants different I guess. I get rewarded by seeing the people I love smile. I have my reasons to fight for.

People respect me, because I never ran away, and I always came out stronger, wiser, more beautiful. Because I survived what most of them could not have. And I saved other people along the way. That is what I am gonna be remembered of. That is why people follow me. Because in this stinking, painful, unfair, dark world there is still that little light that can give you safety, fairness and truth. There’s different ways to gain respect and be a winner. I can only repeat. Your choice, your life.

The guy in this case that ran away made his choice. He will have a few others respecting him thinking, „Man you takin what you want. Great. I wish I could do that also.“ They are the people that will never be my friends. Because I am on the other side with others thinking „Man I hope I’ll never end up like that.“ And I can spot them. They are a fact.


PS: No offense, just my opinion on this thread, and on how you think about this case!

@Amparo Kia that is good to hear. I sure hope you will never encounter such a thing happening to you! And it definitely isn't easy, I have been sweating, worrying, wishing I would still feel for that person blabla... it is never going to be easy but such a relieve afterwards.