Posted by
candylee
15 yrs ago
I just want to ask if its normal to argue a lot in a marriage or a relationship where you live together (so its actually almost the same as being married just not on paper) i know that much effort and hard work is needed for a good and strong marriage/relationship and ive heard that yes- couples do argue more after marriage- but how much is healthy?
I dated my bf for almost 2 years before i moved in with him earlier this year. However, we have been arguing a lot recently and its got to a point where i dont know when enough is enough. How much arguing is a healthy amount? we argue at least once a week. And most of the time its over something silly but leads to the same underlying problem or issue we have. ie he thinks i dont support him or act caring enough whereas i feel that i dont feel loved or appreciated. I find it hard to show him support and care when i dont feel loved myself (no sex, we dont do anything special together anymore or spend time together) I have tried talking to him about it - telling him its a compromise and a 2 way thng- i can give more support and care if he showed more affection for me. But he wont admit that its his fault too.
I am exhausted from the constant arguements and i just dont know how to tell if its the end?
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PRM
15 yrs ago
It seems that you have a lot of unresolved issues in your relationship and unless you talk about them openly with your boyfriend the fights will not stop, and that is not healthy. I think it has nothing to do with being married or just living together. You fight because you are not getting what you want/ need from this relationship. Maybe he feels the same way. But you need to talk about it and meet each other half way, otherwise how can it work out?
Good luck.
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It might be worth couples counselling. St Johns is a good place to start, and I am sure there are others.
Do not throw a relationship away without trying hard to save it.
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There is a big difference between dating and living together.
That is why it is good to live together before you get married. This will show you if you really are compatible, OR NOT.
It could be that one, or other, of you feels trapped. This is not a recipe for marriage. And so you should ask the question to yourself first. Do you really want to live like this, and are you happy with this man as a partner. If the answer is still yes, then ask him the same question.
Remember that just because you CAN live with somebody does not mean there is enough for a marriage. Can you live without them? If you can't live without them then that is a good start. You also need to make sure he feels the same way.
Don't get married because living together is a result of the 'habit' of dating each other for 2 years.
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first of all, congratulations to move in first before getting married. too many people do not do this and therefore make a mistake or at least take a big risk. as previous posters have said, once you move in, you really see whether you are ready, mature and committed.
you clearly have some issues to sort out before you take any next step. do not avoid them! you have to solve them - even just to stay living together. else it will only get worse once you get married.
lastly couples do not argue more or less because they are getting married. if you are in a good relationship, where you take it step by step and solidly find out whether you two fit together, then you will have no more or less issues once you get married.
as to your particular issue, both of you need to wake up and take responsibility for your relationship: he should know your needs and at least take steps towards accommodating them. you need to wake up from your princess dream, step forward and take charge and do what is needed by him. only then you can challenge him on your needs.
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Dear candylee,
I am a psychologist. I and my friends cannot help you unless you respond to our posts. Please repond to the aforementioned advice. Then we can refine our understanding and possible tips.
Best wishes,
Lyle
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Actually I have just had a potentially terrible thought.
After marriage the feeling are just intensified.
If you feel secure and happy before this will be intensified.
If you are unsure and feel a bit desperate and cornered before. You may feel desperate and trapped afterwards.
Don't think getting married will solve all you problems. It will not.
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I have belief in the analogy, "you do not know someone until you live with them", I gather from your initial post you only moved in together your not married, correct me if I am wrong.
From my experience, many yeras ago, myself and a best friend, same sex, shared a small apartment, the friendship got strained almost from the start, we thought we knew each other well, but we only used to hang out together, two different things.
Before I married, I lived with my future wife for 5 years prior, marriage did not change anything, except the bank account balance, we alraedy knew each others upsides/downsides.
There is only two ways to go when you live with your partner, you either grow together or grow apart, you need to do the analysis here.
This is where I beleive the problem lies.
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Thanks guys for all your replies. I'll try my best to do my part and go from there. It feels very difficult though at the moment. I feel like i just want to give up. We're both hurting from the horrible fights we've had and i dont know how long or if we'll even recover from the horrible things we've said to one another. I just feel so depressed.
Yes Ausman- ur right. We're not married.
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Candylee,a relationship changes considerably when you get married,not necessarily for the bad,it just does.I believe it is somewhat the same when you move-in together,you basically live together like husband and wife,although there is no contract signed like in proper marriages.It is normal for couples to argue,especially in the beginning of moving-in/living together.And I also agree with what IWILLTRY posted above,especially the part "learn to say sorry".Sometimes it is very hard to swallow our pride,but we have to take responsibity for our actions.Try starting a conversation(especially when you need to confront your partner) with the word "SORRY",it sets a very calm tone for the discussion to proceed.It may not necessarily be your fault,but saying sorry even if it's not your fault,will surely calm a possible heated argument.
Relationships takes time and hardwork to workout,it is the same for married or non-married couples.
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Show your love first before you want anything back. If you don't know how to input you will never obtain something. Don't argue too much like who cares more and who loves more. There is no fair under any circs. So if you still think you love him and he is the one worthy continuing a relationship with him. Then input your support first.
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I recommend that you read book His Needs Her Needs. a bestseller that is published in early eighties.
It helps you see relationship in new light - each of us has a bundle of needs wanting to be met. The book, written by a marriage counseller, identifies needs of men and women, which unsuprisingly, rather differnet.
The book also focuses on how we express our needs. Many of us don't express our needs, or express our needs rather indirectly. The book teaches us how to express needs in a positive manner.
I agree with alivebai - start with yourself and focus on yourself. Focus on doing a better job yourself. Afterall, you can switch partner, we are stuck with ourselves.
It is a long but rewarding journey. Good luck to you both. You both deserve love.
(base in hong kong)
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me and my boyfriend were happily living in together for 3 years. After 3 years i got pregnant and we get married. 1 month after my pregnancy we fight and argue a lot about nothing. till my baby is my months and the argument became more intense to the point that he tells me off and divorce every week or twice a week.
now, his a bit chilled. no fight for a month
men dont change....
you still have a chance. go save yourself. u don't have a baby to think about...
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hi candylee,
i couldn't tell what the problems really are--if your cause of fighting is because of living together, i would assume the actual issues may be more specific such as who's doing more dishes, who's coming home late, how long you haven't made love etc... i know these issues could accumulate, but you can also discuss each issue at right timing and in a right manner wihtout jumping into a conclusion that you don't feel loved...??? me and my other half do also throw in issues now and then... like "i've been cleaning & doing dishes the whole morning while you're watching a TV!" or "don't waste money on such junks!" etc etc... but we never think these events mean we don't love each other or we don't feel loved... i know what you mean by too much fighting is not healthy... but i think you can try first to avoid over interpreting some issues and focus on exactly what issues you're facing??
good luck!
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