sad and lost

Hi, I fell in love with a man, he is 39 y/o and from the UK. He's been in Thailand for more than 3 years, working as English teacher. He quit his job there and went here to China for few months to live with me. But things didn't work out well. He went back to Thailand and broke up with me.


Until I received a mail from a girl. She's Thai and told me that she is XXX's gf. I was so shocked and asked my bf about it. He admitted everything to me but he said it was all over between them. He just wants to get all his stuff back but the girl doesn’t want to sign the documents pertaining to his car, for he wanted to sell his car. The car is not under his name but the girl’s. The girl refused to sign the document. She found out everything about me and my bf. She killed herself. And that is the problem. My bf was the one who found her in the bathroom, she hanged herself. My bf asked me to stay away from him after that happened. It happened 4 months ago – August. We didn’t stay in touch for quite some time. I stopped seeing, writing and calling him but I still love him. I miss him so badly.


Until I received an email from him last October and wants to get back. Yes, we did get back with each other. It seems he’s sincere enough to fly here to China each month for the weekend just to see me and we have constant communication everyday. I know that he is still in the stage of grief and I thought it might be of help if I will get back with him. 2 weeks ago, he was here with me for 2 nights (Friday-Saturday-Sunday). It seems he was not happy the whole time and feeling upset. I asked him what’s wrong, he said – just caught cold and feeling unwell. So I didn’t mind.


When he went back to Thailand, he sent me an email after a day, that he wants to end our relationship- he can’t carry on with me, for he feels so guilty about being us together. He remembered everything he saw in the bathroom and he said its not a good idea being back with each other for he is just wronging the memories of the girl. He keeps blaming himself and wanted to kill himself ‘coz he can’t cope up with his life anymore.


What am I supposed to do? I still love him and want to wait for him until he is completely recovered. He needs bereavement counseling which he can’t get in Thailand, he must go back to the UK. I don’t know how to comfort him for he just wants me out of his life. I feel so depressed and still want him back. I know that he loves me but he is not helping himself now.


I have booked my flight to Thailand for Christmas last month and we have planned where to go and what to do. He also booked his flight to here for New year, which I think it’s already impossible for both of us to meet. For he wants a closure. I still want to go there, but I am not sure if I would see him or not. I really want to see him even just for less than 30 minutes- I want to see him and hold him.


Please give me advise. Feel free to send me a private message if possible. Thank you for your time reading my post. I am really sad and lost.

so tragic. give him the chance to grieve and suggest him to go back home, to his family in the uk. he needs a support from the family, doctors and counselor. he will never get over it if he will just stay in thailand. then if he feels ok and fully recovered you and him can still be together if you are still available.

I am famous for my long replies, but this time I will be brief. You wrote:


- he just wants me out of his life.

- it’s already impossible for both of us to meet.

- he wants a closure.


My advice: Stop watching those cheap soap operas.

@ TXcowboy... considering the nature of the thread, that reply was cheaper than most soap operas I have seen. You might consider that an attack - but I consider it a statement of fact.


@ Sadgirl... The nature of the advice you want will probably fall short at this forum. Firstly, because there is a lot of history behind an event like the one you have described that you likely have not mentioned and secondly, much of the history shaping his reactions you would probably not know about (ie: his side of the story - exactly what happened with the other girl).


Not to mention that the comments written here are just opinions - not grief and relationship counselling.


So if you're feeling down - read the posts here with some personal distance. Blind advice is a fools game.


But at the risk of adding to the fray: based on what you have wrote, one thing is for certain: By his own admission, your boyfriend has guilt issues. I can understand the desire to want to comfort him - but if he projects his guilt into the relationship you share, it will be a poison for you both. So you need to tread carefully, for your own sake. Until he resolves his guilt issues, he will not be able to move forward with you. And that will take a decision and effort from him.


Where you take it from here is your choice. If you feel as you do, you should let him know where you stand - but after you say your piece, make it your final statement to him. After that, it will be his choice as to whether he will constructively deal with his guilt - or not.


Good luck. I hope tomorrow brings you better fortune for you both.

To last man standing, thank you for your advise. I am just so lost now, all messed up,for I really love this guy. I have to "let go" of him and start a new life without him. It's just easy to say than done. I don't know where and how to start again. All plans were set for next year, now - no more.


Do you really think there is no more chance for us to get back with each other in the future when he gets better?


I am willing to wait for the right time for us.

Sadgirl,

Listen, he is BAD NEWS for you. He was he is and he is going to be or even worse as long as you linger around him.

RUN and leave the sadness to losers like him.

Don't play with your good heart(nature), take care of it.

..."Do you really think there is no more chance for us to get back with each other in the future when he gets better?"...


Actually, I didn't say there was no chance. I am not in a position to tell you what will happen. There is always a chance - however no one more than you will know whether it is likely to play out that way. You can't make that assessment now because you are still hurting from everything that has occurred. The best advice I can give you now is that you should take the time to let your head clear and look at the situation with all facts on the table. Balance them against the hopes and dreams you have - and then decide on what you need to do.


I understand that is easier to say than to do. After all, looking at something in this manner requires you to put your hopes and dreams aside for a moment and look at facts, which are unpleasant. I have someone special in my life. When I put myself in your shoes, this is what I would do. And I am not someone who gives up easily.


So whether you choose to wait or not - I think you should let him know how you feel and let it rest for a while. Then see where you are when your head clears. And see where he is when his head clears. At that point, you will probably find a more meaningful answer than you have right now.

I am sorry folks, too much hard luck in one downpour does not ring true. It does sound like someone is not telling the truth. That is an opinion, not a fact.

Can understand how difficult it is to detach, - been there myself, more than once.


Try and learn to look forward.


Don't be lazy, do whatever things that make you less sad.


best cure to a lost love is to find/have a new one.


If you do not let go of the lost one, you are denying your chance /not able to start a new one.


the sooner, the better.


what is yours, will come your way.


what is not, it is not no matter what.


Love is not a fair game. It never is.


We all were heart -broken once, or more than once.

totally agreed with the words of "lastmanstanding", that's the 2nd time the man said "it's over", so I believe he has clearly made up his mind.


that's much you can do at your side at this moment, the best I can think of is giving him continuing support and comfort which will help him moving forward. let him know he is not alone. we cannot control on what will happen in the future, but the most important thing is for you both to recover from this tragedy.


Sadgirl, I hope you can stay strong, and you can find your real one soon - no matter is this man or any other who will treat you good. My very best wishes.

what a mess, why would you want to stay with his loser?

give tigerbay's opinion a thought as well..

to lastmanstanding, sicn, evianjune and lilianhk,,,,THANK YOU VERY MUCH for all your advises.


I just came back from Thailand and still a bit sad. Everything was over between us. He just really wanted me to stay away from him for he really cannot cope up with his life.


He is suffering from Parkinson's disease and that is what I am worried about. He is only 40 y/o and as I've read some articles from the internet, most PD patients have this called "split personality" (DID).


I was advised by another friend to stay away from him. His mood swings up and down. And that really made me so scared.


Now, I am trying to move forward with my life without him. I just really feel sad for what happened between us. I hope one day, he will still get over it and have a good life.


To all the people who gave me advises, thank you very much. It made me feel at ease and gave me a lot of time to think for myself.


I hope I can still find the right person.....someday.

Sadgirl - god bless, and good luck.