entitled to say "no"

Realtionships are at the best of times difficult, those of us in long term relationships know that perseverance is the key...........what surprises me is that many couples together now clearly have no clue how to resolve simple issues and seem to think that a war is the answer.

Belittling your partner is merely a reflection on your own insecurity.

Jealousy in itself is silly, the partner eventually just makes up a story that suits the occasion.

Objectivety seems to have flown out of the window and desperation has taken over.

In my opinion we are all looking for a few simply "needs;


The need to be loved

The need to be trusted

and the need to feel secure.


the rest just happens.


lee du ploy

Hmmm, I look at things a little differently.


There are needs and there are wants.


Needs are things you would die without: food, water, maybe some clothes would be nice, y'know, to cover your back, and a roof over your head wouldn't be so bad either. You need these things.


Wants are everything else. The ol' I want, I want, I want. I want a Prada bag, I want an LV wallet, I want a Porsche, I want a trip to Rome, I want a new Macbook. Those are wants.


We don't need love, we don't need to be trusted, we don't need to feel secure (and let me tell you how that word "secure" is used and misused all over the place, but maybe there isn't enough time for that one).


Would you really have any need or want for love if you truly loved yourself? No. Most people don't care for themselves enough and assume that some other partner will come along and Jerry Mcguire them! *SMH* that movie completely killed a whole generation with its central line "You complete me!" Fool! If that idiot was complete to begin with, we wouldn't even have to hear that line!


Trust is a given to someone who deserves it. We all know if we are trustworthy or not. Anyone who needs to be trusted has surely been untrustworthy in the past and so feels somehow that they ought to be more deserving of it the next time they do something good and trustworthy. Someone who is good and kind and does no wrong will not NEED trust, they will just have it and if they don't they will trust their instinct that they are indeed dating an idiot.


Finally, Security and this "feeling" of it. You know the best way to make a baby feel secure? Put a blanket, or a towel or even any ol piece of cloth...put that over him. Thats security. Want to make a dog feel secure? Pet it. So what has this word become once you grow up? A piece of paper, a good pay check, a flash car and house...and alimony if a divorce happens. Secure? I can guarantee a way you can feel secure. Work hard, be a good person and don't screw people over, this will make sure you always have a job, you have people who will love you and back you up if you lost that job and look for another one, and if you don't screw people over its unlikely they will screw you over! If you live life right, you don't NEED anything or anyone to make you feel secure.


The rest of the stuff in your life will also need you to work hard for it, there is no magical mystical godfigure who will provide, its only you who will make it happen for you! Too many people sit around waiting for it all to go good when its really something that takes action and not passivity.


Needs and wants...different kettle of fish altogether.

I think there are certain errors in the OP reasoning:


"perseverance is the key". You try to start you car's engine and it doesn't work. You try again and it doesn't work. You try a third time and it works...I don't know about you, but after that I usually either look under the hood or start thinking about buying a new car.


Perseverance only applies to yourself and is best used for self-improvement. Perseverance in trying to change someone else is pretty much futile, even though you usually only see the results in the long run, when a fine morning you wake up and the other person simply left.


Now let this Cowboy take off his boots and wear his MD cap: When you "need" someone you already started the relationship on the wrong foot. Only when you are truly independent you can share with others because, let's not forget, the fundamental basis of love is "to give". If you have needs, you can hardly give anything, at least at an emotional level.


Regarding jealousy, people make up stories because partners (as I am a heterosexual guy, "partners" means "women" to me) can not handle the truth, so you try different lies until you find the most suitable one.


What I do not understand is why people think so low of themselves to be in a relationship where they are not happy. I purposedly have an ultra short leash on that. The second I am not happy I go shopping for someone else.

Interesting and thank you.


There are many ways to define " need and want" the interpretation depends on attitude and your cultural background and ,how much importance you attached to it.


eg. If you ask someone would you rather be wealthier or healthier etc. The implication is obvious and the answer may surprise you.



We need to emotionally define perseverance,if its with an engine which is un emotional etc. it obviously wont respond in that way how ever long you persevere


Just so,the implication is that trust is what you do in degrees, ie "trust you with my life" does not necesarilly mean that.


Security also has its issues, is there really anyone out there that is completely secure?


Sadly I cannot really agree that " if you need someone you've already started off the relationship on the wrong foot" do we not all need someone?


In my opninion there is no such thing as total indepence,we rely on others emotionally,its a strengh and not a weakness,sharing and being in a relationship is what we are here for, every one needs someone'


Personally I watch three movies a year and they are usually so predicatble that I think we have wondedred off the track a little.


The 18 inches between the heart and the mind which defines what we are has been manipulated into meaning different things to different people.


The mind is our enemy as well as our friend how we decide to translate the signal is up to you, some prefer an incredible complex path, others interpret things differently.


My intention was to be permited to say "no" inspite of the pressures to conform, please your family or your friends, saying" no "is permited.


Personally life still means the same to me as it always has.

Treusure what you have and live for now, tomorrow is already here.



Happy 2010,its going to be the most amazing and incredible ever.


lee du ploy


ps. just a personal note if you'll permit me I have been with the same woman for over 30 years.

We can go without love, sure its possible. Humans are very adaptable creatures. Never underestimate the power of the human animal. I love my friends, I love my kid, I love my family...but if one of them or all of them were to die I would be devastated, but I wouldn't die because of it. I would have to learn to see it through. Such is life. I appreciate this whole concept of LOVE, and just because I see it as a bonus and not a need in life, I don't think its wholly inappropriate. If more people appreciated love as a bonus and not a birthright, it would actually be appreciated and reciprocated when it came along in life.


BUT


cara...I will give you this. People are essentially social creatures. There is no point in studying the human animal if it werent for this. So yes, being social, being part of the world out there, is what it means to be human, and yes, we may just be "in-human" if we didn't have that element of sociability...however I disagree with you that the lack of human social contact would make one a mass murderer. Thats a bit extreme. Sadhu's and mountain monks do not become mass-murderers. I think withdrawing from social situations has its bonuses too...a love of god? A love of a higher consciousness? Who knows. I am open to debate.


portainer - and no doubt you have been the same awesome woman for the last 30 years ;) Happy 2010 to you too madame! I hope I didn't come across as argumentative, I was just adding to open debate.