Posted by
Bob2010
15 yrs ago
She is a HK local, I am European; we have been together now for 1,5 year and we are living together for 2 months, and everything is going very well.
But the problem poiting out is her past relationship: she has been with him for 2,5 years, and I met her 3 months after she dumped him. He is a HK local; they are belonging to the same group of friends from Uni. They are meeting, mainly with her group of friends, and sometime on a 1 to 1 dinner/drink almost on a every 2 weeks basis. I haven't been allowed or invited to any of this friends gathering during the 1 year of our relationship; now I have been invited 2 times; but I went once, and her friends doesn't seems to be willing to speak in English, and I don't feel very comfortable knowing that I am in the group of the ex boyfriend... on the picture of her friends gathering, she always appear on his side for any dinner/drink, and she tells me that it is because her friends still act like before letting them seat together..adding to that, she disclosed to her ex that she was having a new boyfriend after 8 month of our relationship...he still doesn't know that we are now living together.. even if she had 1 to 1 dinner with him recently...
I found out that they used to have a blog of them, that they are still feeding it (him more than her), she knows that he probably still loves her even if it is very clear on her side that she doesn't want anything but friendship with him and just doesn't want to hurt him;
Yesterday when she opened her wallet, I found out that she still have a big picture of her exboyfriend and her taken 2 years ago in the 1 picture area of the wallet..and none of us..she is telling me that she just did not pay attention to it, and will remove it...
I believe in her honesty, I think she doesn't want to hurt him...but at the end it is quite upsetting me..I am really understanding, and know that we have to respect the past of each other...but it is a bit too much...at the end we hang out with my "world", my friends, and I feel I cannot share her life..on the same time, she is a really lovely girlfriend and I don't have anything to say a part from this, and she keep on telling me how important I am to her...
We talk about this, she understands and try to change things, but it has been 1,5 year that, despite some improvements, it is still around...I strongly believe our relationship can work, don't want to be too rude, but don't want to let things like that continuing...on the same time I cannot ask her to stop seing her friends, it is important for her and for the balance of any couple...so I am a bit stuck...any idea?
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Grow a pair, amigo!
I mean...I don't care if its a year and a half or not, you won't see me carrying a picture of me and the ex in my wallet! I mean really! Thats some Jesus take the wheel territory! And the dinners one on one...ok, if you trust her thats fine. But if you think she is just doing this so as to keep ex on the back burner, thats just weird, right? The thing is, don't be insecure, if you think she is doing him on the side, then address that issue, if its just dinner and drinks, that really shouldnt be an issue. I know a few couples like that, there is history to contend with. Once you have known her 2.5 years you will still have known her less than the ex, deal with it.
You don't speak cantonese. Thats your problem. You will not be the first to be in this predicament. You wanna know what will be worse? If you get married, you can look forward to trips with the inlaws where you don't understand a thing they say and you are always the one left out. Trust me on this one, I know. I see it all around me. Foreigners who marry chinese and then they end up being bored to tears because they communicate less and less with their spouse, with the spouses friends and family...so you want to solve that problem? Learn cantonese. I have a friend from Azerbaijan who has been taking cantonese courses with the HK govt, apparently they have a scheme (a very cheap scheme) for all "immigrants" to HK. I dunno, but it was like a few hundred bucks for three hour classes every sunday or saturday, if you are interested I can find out for you.
The blog, well, as you said, the ex is feeding it more than she is...let that continue as its a way for her to express herself. Yes its unconventional and you have been very understanding, but do you really think that telling someone not to do something will make them stop it? If anything, maybe they will get upset for being treated like a child. Be glad that she isnt a drug fiend or an alcoholic, not to say the old "things could be worse" but really, they could be. Sounds to me that she is still friends with her ex and her friends too are used to seeing them in the same seating, but hey...be secure, the guy is her EX for a reason and unless you believe that she is keeping him on the back burner, which some girls do, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
The photo in the wallet though, who doesn't notice its there? Lol. Yeah, I would talk to her a bit more about that one. How did her relationship end? Did she break it off? Or did he? Do you know the story behind it? I mean, keeping a photo like that means that its to remind one of good times, right? Still, if you are having doubts like this after 1.5 years, its something to think about.
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Yes you're right Justin...about the cantonese thing, about the fact that it is an EX, and FYI, she broke up with him, mainly because she was looking for something else in a boyfriend...she was changing and he was not the one matching her anymore.
actually, I was taking it easy until I saw the picture yesterday...I don't think she is keeping him on the back burner (didn't know this expression..lol), but I considered it a bit as a lack of respect towards me...maybe she really did not pay attention, but opening a wallet everyday...it seems a bit big...
The thing is at don't find it honest from her not to let her ex knowing that we are living together, and not being 100% transparent on her love life towards him...I can understand you can be friend with your ex, but in that case things have to be very clear...trying to protect his feeling is not helpful for me...neither for him...just not helping him to move on...
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Besides giving my Cowboy's seal of approval to all that Justin wrote, I want to add the following which, for some strange reason, you guys all missed: You DO realize she is having you both, do you?
Allow me to explain: If she was done with her EX, she might be on amicable terms but that would be the extend of it. The "I will remove his picture" is a clear indication that she probably let him know about it too. In other words, if you dump her, she will tell her EX that she dumped you "and, see? I still have our picture in my wallet because I could not get over you".
All this is designed so she can have a family and a baby whether you finally marry her or not. She "traded up" him when she met you, but she is also willing to keep the old car in the garage just in case.
If I was you I will tell her, point blank, to never contact this guy again no matter what. You are an European, women drop their...hearts...at the mere sign of your passport, so use that to your advantage. In other words, YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.
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Its a little wired. personally I definitely will not still keep my ex's pic in my wallet if I was already done wth ex and have a new relationship now.
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Very bad feeling about all that.
Let's say your suspicions are correct and she does not want to hurt him. She already broke up with him and saw what pain it caused him and she doesn't want to add to that. As you said you have no other problems with her so maybe her sweet personality is actually her inability to speak the truth if it is hurtful. She needs to know that by not hurting him she is hurting you, your relationship and his ability to move on.
But as TX suggested maybe she really is keeping the old car in the garage. How assertive is she in other areas of her life? 1 to 1 dinners and joint blog indeed.
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I never keep close contacts to my ex boyfriends no matter who dumped who. Well we may still say hi or have happy birthday text but will never to 1 on 1 dinner or drinks. If i will keep close contact with my ex, there is only one reason: I wish we could be together again (if i am dumped) / I may consider to get back again (if i dumped him). A picture in the wallet?? Never!! that will hinder me to find another bf (I am a bit surprised why you only found out the picture ysd after 1.5 years...) and if i am done with him, I am sure i don't wanna see his face everytime I open my wallet.
I imagine if i will keep our sweet pic in the wallet, probably because I wanna let him know that I am here waiting for him to compromise what I requested but he didn't compromise. Well, I never keep my ex's pic in my wallet anyways..I also thought of my friends (who are hk local women), couldn't think of anyone would keep the pic and have 1-to-1 dinner and drinks with her ex. I also know a friend whose ex bf shares the common group of friends from Uni, but their friends will not arrange them to sit together because they know they broke up.
Personal views, hope it's useful for you.
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i hope she is worth it. if not DUMP her. this is the beginning of the mistrust.
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Agreed with mostly all the comment, especially bearbear's.
The reason she gave you for breaking up with her BF is a bit shaky.. ummm, but that is only me.
Personally, I'll throw everything away, really what's the point?? especially if I am happy with my current relationship, why keep that ex's pic in my wallet, I consider that a waste of my wallet space, I'll keep my new BF's pic. 1-0n1 meeting?? she is giving hope to her ex BF, sorry but that is my opinion.
Talking about foreigner and Chinese relationship, the truth is a lot of decent old fashion Chinese family do not like foreigner as their daughter/son in law if they can help it.
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big kudos to tinyteddy. i think he/she got that right.
my advice: rather than focusing on yourself (i dont speak cantonese, i could be not tolerant, etc), grow a big pair of them and tell her how it is:
- cut off the 1-on-1 or give you an option to join them ANYTIME at your choice
- immediately involve you in all her friends' and family activities
- force her to ensure that you are involved all the time
- force her to present you as the one to her family
anything less, cut it off as she just treats you as a rebound/trade up...
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To bob2010
I am chinese girl, with Exs, with a foreigner boyfrd who can only speak English.
I dont want to try to tell you who she is but want to tell something you may need to think.
Besides LOVE relationship, some people they treat their social life in a very high piority. This gives them sense of belongings and happy life also. They have common frds, its really her comfort zone. If you ask her to cut off the relationship with her bf, it will back fire. Instead, you may need to work hard to learn her culture, and cantonese. You two have been dated over a year, she introduced you to her frds and living together. HOWEVER, the truth is that you still havent pass her requirement and make her feel comfortable with you and you with her other LIFE.
I have clearly talked to my bf now, if he dont keep on learning Cantonese, we will mostly break up finally. Cos I am a kind of woman, treating frds an importance elements in my life and it would be a nitghmare for me to cut my bf/husband off my frds group. I hope to certain extend, he can integrate in my other lifes.
Concerning the picture: sorry that its weird and i dont think they are just as simple as she claimed as he maybe her safety net, comfort zone for her.
Instead of pointing to her strange behaviour that upsetting, you may need to understand her feeling and put yourself in her shoe.
1. Is this bf (european) gonna settle down with me in HK forever?
2. Will he one day relocate back to his home country and leaving me alone?
3. Can he join my frds/family functions and share my life with me?
4. Does he love me enough? Why he dont learn cantonese for our future?
She and her Ex, i dont think is the major issue. Otherwise, she wont try to invite you to her frds'function. She is not in a comfort zone with you probably is the root. She may still have worries, uncertainties about her future.
I do have worries though my bf wants to marry me, settle down with me here forever. He is learning cantonese now. However, I do have much worries about if he can intergrate to my life (families, frds) smoothly.
The worries would be more for your gf if most of her frds are Chinese.
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Tx Cowboys got the nail on its head, I feel. Shes probably playing you both. You've mentioned ex's pic i n wallet, 1 on 1 dinners etc. But really who does 1 on 1 dinners with ex's? Sounds strange.
On the other hand, she must be doing something for you too?
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ilu
15 yrs ago
i dun think ur gf is as trustworthy as what you think she is....seriously...who would have kept their ex pic in their wallet??? no one does unless there is something going on or there is feelings going on.....moving in together doesnt mean anything to some gals....its just more convenient (for better living or whatsoever) her.
i dun see language is a big issue here....what matters is ur gf....what she wants?? does she really love u?? or u r just one of those boys she is looking for to take advantages???
to TXcowboy
hey dude no all chinese gals r up to ur stupid passport....i dun know how u get this idea but i got to tell u like us (a bunch of chinese who studied and grew up overseas) r truly fall in love with this particular man not his nationality ... for us its easier to date WHITE bcos we share similar culture.....thats all i say. dun overlook ur passport is everything we look for
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Hmm think this girl is very young? maybe she is not yett ready to commit at all perhaps?Chinese girls deep down (actually not that deep) really want marriage and respectability within a certain time frame-...yes agree with TX that she is keeping the old car in the garage just in case -you don't fit or pony up with all that she wants -and she will have an agenda rest assured -read the messages above this one ie-learn canto etc or else...well -personally you sound like a nice guy -maybe she is just using this also to push you along as well towards the Big Day...anyway I'm with Cowboy on this ...if she is so worried about you not fitting in and conforming with her culture ,you might have to think deeply yourself-most men fit 2 profiles with Chinese partners-the boss is one or the other - as per any relationship- but you are at a disadvantage here I'm feeling-either he calls the shots and she nags-but its usually the Chinese wife...bigtime...and a compliant husband.. think that might be you sorry-.are you compliant? are you willing to be? someone will have control here -and it won't be you I can tell you that much? maybe thats ok with you...you need to ask yourself...what do you want...the cultural stuff does not get easier...and in my experience it works best with very westernised chinese girls only...so the cultural clash is less..
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What about the ex boyfriend, wouldn't he deserve the truth, and not be kept in the dark about the two living together, in the name of true friendship. If this is it, it should be based on honesty! Obviously this is not the strongest personality trait of the girlfriend who clearly wants to have the cake and eat it. Beware not to end up in the receiving end one day. This girl has a lot of growing up to do.
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Thanks for your comments guys, always interesting to have external opinions.
I got a good talk with my gf and things will be moving toward the good spot I think.
Well, to comment on some of your comments, I would not say it is a question of "growing a pair" or who is wearing the pent in the relationship, as I am absolutely not facing any doubt on this one; but when you reach a sensitive area like the group of friends mixed with the ex bf, it is always sensitive to have a clear picture of the correct behaviour to adopt. Putting our macho skills forcing things to be black or white, did not seems to be the solution to me and sometimes can bring the opposite result. I consider that in relationships, it is important to put yourself in the shoes of the other one first, and to balance your reaction according to it. Putting this topic here, was mainly for me to see if any HK local girl were going to defend her position (I saw only 2 of them), so make it clear my first though was correct.
Anyway, she is nice enough in all other areas to deserve another chance and time to grow more..
Happy New Year everyone!
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Its always easy to judge and give up.
Real relationship is to understand and try hard to work it out.
Good to hear that from you bob2010
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Rainbow, what you said is so true... relationship that needs to work on real hard is tiresome, at the end, you feel so tired n realized that you have wasted a lot of energy and time... for nothing..
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I am with rainbow on this. Relationships are not meant to be hard work. You'll know this only once you are fortunate enough to meet your match.
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Well, Rainbow, Justin, I do agree that relationships are not meant to be troublesome, but thinking that finding your match will avoid you any trouble, is a bit of an utopia.
Giving up and looking for someone else at the first sign of trouble, would be for me a lack of will to have a real relationship working. You always have to compromise a bit in a couple, or there is always one of the 2 who is keeping things inside and the frustration will go out one day or another...too much quiteness is always to worry..
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bob2010
that is exactly of what i mean.
sometime, people too easy to say the shoe is not suit me without even really understanding it. I mean hard it doesnt mean to climb up a hill and to die for. Its hard to COMMUNICATE and drop down the pre-judgement first.
I also agreed that something cannot be worked out and it should not be like that.
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Sounds like she's taking you for a test drive; either that or it's that Shanghai thing, "One boyfriend for sex, one for marriage." At least you get the exotic role. Have fun together but you probably wouldn't want to trust her in the long term.
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Justin Credible, Loyd Grossman, and TX Cowboy said it all right to the spot.
Bob, do you look so much like a beast and so poor you think no one in the market would want to take you?
Why are you accepting the role of a spare tire?
You havent been hurt enough that you want another fire burning in your ass? or u have been so burned before, that makes another burning just to mellow the callous of your heart?
The fact that you wrote it all here seeking opinion, isnt that enough to show you also find it so wrong for her to keep the pic after many months past, have dinner one on one, have pic taken beside ex in a group, etc?
You need some slapping man!
Lets put it simple: She loves him, she adores him, she respects him. But at some point, the relationship has to end between the 2 of them, but she still wants him.
And she obviously wants you in bed, not love you, DONT very much respect you at all.
Why? Because you are all over her and she knows that and she thinks you are one stupid european man.
Tell you something: Dont give your fellow europeans a bad name !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hope things have worked out....but I have some doubts. Just wanted to comment that I find the local girls are a little strange, and I'm Chinese who was raised overseas. Without generalizing, I've known a number of girls who are head over heels for guys who treat them like crap. For whatever reason they stick to the guy who is clearly bad for them. The saying of good guys finish last strongly applies to this demented society!
Any updates?
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