Marriage and its aftermaths

After 4 years of marriage... I would like to know as many other wives who experience a drastic change in her husband and is left confused and sad about why things are the way they are.


Things appear to be so different prior to marriage but after marriage, its as if all that was promised before, was a lie.


Why after marriage, a husband is more concerned about looks rather than what you're inside the soul? Why does he have more things to complain than a wife does? what exactly is, that men need?


Constant naggings on your work, your weight, your looks, but my question is, am I not the same person you loved and married?


If love is with the soul, why do looks matter anyways, arent we supposed to grow old together if we are in love?


Why do men lose control over the reality and fancy things that can give them happiness of a few days and not to respect a wife who will be there in all good and bad that is to come into his life?


There is no one better and there is never a better tomorrow, if that is what men think, it is what it is, now and today...


I have no complaints to anything in relation to him, I dont mind how he changes in terms of his body, but I am depressed with what changes in his mind.


I want to know what other wives are facing, and what other husbands have to say about the changes and as well hear about how to tackle this...


Thanks.

Well, I do agree that look is not the most important things, that you married someone for something much deeper than that.

Nevertheless, I think it is very important to keep the other one interest in you...getting married doesn't mean that everything is granted for life...Each one has to fight everyday to be more attractive to the other one..knowing that competition is high around...for men n women..


I will put it this way:

- If you did not change at all since 4 years of wedding, then it is not appropriated that he starts to makes comments now...

- If after 4 years of wedding, you start to pay less attention to yourself, getting fat, not putting make up, not dressing well, then this is a dangerous way. You should keep yourself up to be always attractive to your man.

- If he makes comments on you, but at the same time, he does not take care of himself either, then it is not appropriated from him. On the other side, if he works hard to stay good looking and attractive for you, you should follow him...


Personnally, I always try my best to be fit, elegant etc..to make her proud of me, and I want my gf to do the same...it is a way to respect each other and to keep the relationship alive (a part from all the deepest things that mean a relationship)


It is never nice to have bad comments from the one you love, but if I were you, I will try to change my habits, get more attractive, start to exercice, and then, see what he says...if he does not notice your efforts, then you have a good reason to be mad...or he will see your efforts, and making good comments...always good to surprise the other!

sounds like one for the cowboy....another delusional wife...

I am sorry, but this is definitely an important thing. A lot of women have their final destination as "married with kids" and then they "let themselves go". And then there is the old "Arent I the same woman you married?" thing.


Erm...dunno. Are you? Did you care about your appearance and giving BJ's back at the beginning? Are you still the same woman? I mean, is it fair someone goes and changes on you if you changed on them? The ol chicken or the egg question...or is it the cake and eating it issue?


When I was in the US and lived near an army base, it was always interesting to see couples walking in the mall. There would be these fit a** marines or whatever and they would have a total MOOOOOO on their arms! Just walking the mall, with a total Moo! How did that happen? Either the issue of the 9:1 ratio of guys to women in that town didn't help it, but how much do you wanna bet that a lot of those gals were fit a** before they got that rock on their fingers and signed that dotted line?


That said.............


It is entirely possible you just married a jerk. That is a good possibility as well. Forget the weight gain and all that, a good guy will say the right thing, he would like "Oh honey, you look just as beautiful as the day we met" etc, and in some cases of good guys, they will totally even mean and believe it.


So, yeah...maybe you got the combo....the jerk and the changes on your part meant he didn't have to pretend to be a nice guy.


*shrug*


Just sayin.


I think its mean when a husband, after 20 years starts to bitch at the wife saying she looks like a beached whale (my Dad said that to my Mum) when she is chilling out in the bathtub. Not cool. She really should have had a snippy comeback about hairloss and beer gut, but she was too sensitive for that. Lol. Meeehhh, I dunno, if you want your hubby to quit saying you're getting fat, put down that chocolate bar, don't finish the kids leftovers for them, and get running at the gym. If he is still whining, at least you will know you married a jerk and the bonus will be that you have a fit bod to catch the next prince charming *cough* if he exists.


Good luck!

Some of you contacted me in private asking me to comment on this topic. I wasn't going to do so but I guess I will have to obligue :)


Profused, I am going to deconstruct your text so you can see where the problem is:


"Things appear to be so different prior to marriage but after marriage, its as if all that was promised before, was a lie."


A marriage, besides the love part, is a contract between two parties. Is so exactly like a contract to the point that you can claim financial benefits if you get divorced, you can join accounts, get tax breaks, etc...


Since marriage is a contract, I want you to consider your marriage as a business relationship between, say, a consultant and the company that hires him. They enter into the contract agreement in the good faith that no party is misrepresenting themselves. Furthermore, they are both obligued to fulfill their part in the contract terms or else they will be penalized and the contract might even be render invalid.


Now let's consider YOUR contract. You wrote "all that was promised before was a lie". Since you are not giving us the specifics I am going to asume that the promise was ethernal love? uncompromised love? EVEN if one of the parties (you in this case) did not fulfull her part in the contract?


Because, for what I read, you didn't keep your end of the deal, and I will soon show you how.


"Why after marriage, a husband is more concerned about looks rather than what you're inside the soul? Why does he have more things to complain than a wife does? what exactly is, that men need?"


It seems you became uglier or fatter. It seems you stop wearing the clothes he likes, or you are no longer fit as when you were dating. Something in you changed at a phisical level and now you want him to love you EVEN THOUGH you changed.


In my book this is call "deception". I don't know what else has changed, so I am going for weight as getting fat is number 1 reason for you to be unatractive. You will tell me that this is because now have more stress, or because of the kid you had, or whatever other excuse, but the fact remains the same: You became fat and now he doesn't like you as before. YOU entered into the marriage thin, what do you think gives you the right to get fat and still expect him to love you as before?


You misrepresented yourself pretending that you will stay thin, and once you married (not even 5 years into it) you got fat!


"Constant naggings on your work, your weight, your looks, but my question is, am I not the same person you loved and married?"


NOPE. You are NOT the same person he married. You are a fat woman, and he married a thin one. If you were then as fat as you are now I am pretty sure he wouldn't even have a first date with you (I know you wouldn't caught ME dead with a fat chick). And because you are fat, you are unatractive, and by the way, save your money because no amount of make-up or visits to the hairdresser is going to divert the attention to the fact that you are fat.


"If love is with the soul, why do looks matter anyways, arent we supposed to grow old together if we are in love?"


You are suppose to grow old in love as long as you act, behave and be as you were before you got married, or as long as you are cool with the changes the other person go through. Your husband rightfully nags you because he is clearly not happy with your change, and instead of going back to how you were at the time you got married you complain. HOW YOU DARE?


"Why do men lose control over the reality and fancy things that can give them happiness of a few days and not to respect a wife who will be there in all good and bad that is to come into his life?"


Because fancy things can make us happy for a looong time. Take me for instance, no matter how old I get, I will always fancy a thin, 110lbs (or 50kg) 22yo chick. I have been dating since I was a teenager, and I am a loyal customer of 18-35yo chicks. But I like them to keep that way. Same goes with cars. I fancy a few brands and whenever a new, better model comes along I upgrade. This is not that we fancy things for a short time, but that we always want the best. And, if we can afford it, we get it. Take this from a man who has been around 20 years only dating women under 35yo.


"There is no one better and there is never a better tomorrow, if that is what men think, it is what it is, now and today..."


It depends. I for one thing that tomorrow will be better. Then again, I also know that tomorrow the woman I am with is one day older...


"I have no complaints to anything in relation to him, I dont mind how he changes in terms of his body, but I am depressed with what changes in his mind."


Of course you don't complain! Did he put on as much weight as you? And even if he did, just because you like something doesn't mean he does. He clearly doesn't like fat chicks (who does?) and you are not even listening to him.



"Why after marriage, a husband is more concerned about looks rather than what you're inside the soul? Why does he have more things to complain than a wife does? what exactly is, that men need?"


As a sign of respect to your admin Ed, I will try to be as mellow as I possibly can: Men are visual creatures and need to get aroused in order to "perform". We need to see a pretty thin girl, and not rolls of meat all over the bed.


I am going to give you the key to save your marriage. LISTEN TO HIM! Hit the treadmill, hit the gym, and hit it fast because, if he has any game at all, if he makes any sort of decent salary, if he is not a loser, and if you don't have kids yet, HE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU. I can't believe how nice he is that he is giving you these warnings. If he was me you would be outside the home the second you put 1 pound too many.


In other words: Count your blessings and take the fork out of your mouth.

a man gets married believing his wife will never change whilst a woman gets married believing her husband will. sadly, both are invariably proved wrong.

Some men are still real old fashioned. They think once they are married then they own their woman and can and should control her. I think his real character is coming through now. But no doubt anything he does is beyond reproach. Has he been promoted recently? Does he pi** over the toilet floor? Can he keep it up long enough? Does he f*rt in bed? If he has the right to comment, don't you?

as a man who has been married for 5 years and with 2 kids...i can tell you this. i love my wife and kids, but i cant help it but still look around...its simple, my wife knows it and make a hell of an effort to look as attractive as possible.


take my advice forget all the soul / love crap and start making yourself presentable. spice up your sex life thats should get him to notice u

well profused, unfortunately like what others had posted above, men are visual creatures and as a woman myself, i found it reasonable because afterall this is a visual world. We go shopping for things that we love on a visual level, would you shop for a pretty dress that's less good in quality or an ugly dress that's good in quality? I think it's just the same theory.


I'm single but already knew the fact that, especially for married women, it is vital to keep yourself look good and attractive all the times.


Of course the soul is important and I'm not asking you to be as thin as when you were young or before you were married, but at least you need to be in good shape, that means not having huge belly and excessive fats in your hips and thigh, by doing so, you need to exercise and cut down your food intake.


I hope your husband starts to nag you about your look only, hope your sex life with him is still good. Afterall, men are shallow, they are different from us, all we need to do is to keep ourselves looking good and give them good sex to keep them happy.


Good luck.

ha ha rainbow good one. Maybe wife can upgrade nagging husband like a new model sportscar. What's good for the goose.

@jobin

There was a William Hurt movie eons ago where the doctor was young, successful, I-will-live-forever-as-a-teenger attitude, quite belittling to his less than perfect patients and other doctors, basically thought he knew it all. He then got cancer himself and had his uncomfortable awakening. Your post remined me of that movie. I also wish TX such a transformation.

Man or woman it's the same, I'd hate to marry someone who morphed into some distortion of themselves shortly after...


If you really have let yourself go and are unrecognisable from the woman in the wedding pictures after a mere four years, then he's probably thinking, "What's ten years going to do to this picture?" If it were me, I'd be concerned about being stuck with someone who had so little regard, not just for me, but for themselves, that they allowed things to fall apart so easily.


I think you can either see this situation as unfounded criticism, or a painful truth. Either you are not seriously different, or you are, only you knows. If you are, and it is a painful truth, then you need to get your head around it and deal with it, instead of going into denial about how some 'ideal' person should respond to these changes. You have a responsibility to yourself to look after your own body, weight, mind and attitude. No one should be forced to accept someone who is lazy in managing their own health and behaviour.

Thank you everyone for your inputs. Overall I see the conclusion.


I am not very fat, I am tall but do have fat around my waist and that was too because of some health issues. Yes I do eat junk at times but I am not a 24/7 eater. I work and do the usual things a thinner woman does, except that I dont go to the gym regularly.


There is just not enough time because I am doing a part time Masters degree and work full time, there are times that require me to sit idle so that I can concentrate at work and for my studies.


Our life otherwise is ok and he does appreciate when I workout sometimes but generally I do not think all men are the same.


The only thing is, why men look at women with such different glasses? I do see some couples where the wife is so thin and the husband has a huge belly in front...why in most of these cases, the wife does not talk about 'divorce'. I know some may, but majority does not.


My husband knew whilst we were dating that I gain weight faster and stop at a certain point then I need to make efforts to lose it again... it just keeps on and on.


Thanks though, your inputs were valuable.

Profused, are you saying your husband talks about 'divorce' simply because you're fat?? That doesn't sound normal to me, are you sure he's not having someone out there to do the comparison?


Husband do complains about wife getting fat but not to a point that needs to mention the word 'divorce' simply because of FAT.

Berealistic,


Wives normally dont know the reasons for such a behaviour and I am amongst those. Although I dont doubt my husband on any affairs. He complains I am fat and gets frustrated and of course alot of other topics pour in that causes him to say lets divorce...

I would like to address the following statement:


"The only thing is, why men look at women with such different glasses? I do see some couples where the wife is so thin and the husband has a huge belly in front...why in most of these cases, the wife does not talk about 'divorce'. I know some may, but majority does not."


(1) Possibility that the guy is just a nice guy

(2) The guy is an extremely rich guy

(3) The woman is a jealous type so she would prefer to be dating a fatso that no other women will want to steal off her.


Personally I don't know too many women who are into the "Soft and cuddly" type. *shrug*


You may see women walking around with fat hubby's or partners, but they might not have thought they were signing up for that initially. A guy that gets fat is likely eating wrong, drinking too much or simply so complacent about his place in his relationship that he doesn't care that his wife has to manouver her way around his gut in order to get to the goods.


Either sex, as flashback stated, when they go on out there and gain weight on you, it can be kinda indicative that they don't care enough about you or themselves.


Oprah (prime example of the woman who can gain and lose) with her busy schedule used to wake at 5am daily to exercise.


There is ALWAYS time in the day to exercise...you just aren't making it. Wake an hour earlier, sleep an hour later, *shrug* you can always find a way to do 30 minutes of exercise a day even if its Hatha Yoga in your living room. Face it, you just don't want to. And don't feel bad, coz a LOT of folks are like that, myself included! But good habits are as hard to build as breaking a bad ones.


Whats my favorite quote? Will power is like a muscle, if you do not exercise it, it will never get stronger!


Find the time, make the time, and know that saying "He knew I gain weight easy" is that incomplete sentence where the remainder is "But he also believed I would work hard to maintain my ideal weight". Love is not blind...not all of us have beautiful bodies, but if we did it would sure make leaving the light on a plausible option!

Oh yeah, and when you think about option (3) The woman is a jealous type so she would prefer to be dating a fatso that no other women will want to steal off her. I would say that this is why 9 times out of 10 there are women who are hurt and surprised as all hell when their pudgy, fugly bf cheats on them with someone else! *SMH*

It is just wrong to LOOK at people and ASSUME how people are.

Justin Credible, I have to doubt your credibility if you do not know those TYPES of couples you listed on such personal level that they tell you why they choose to be each other.

I do know a female friend who has a soft and cuddly husband. Does she have the chance to be with younger and good looking men or richer and nicer guys? Yes. But she chose him. Because, she told me, she looks at people not as physical being, but spiritual one. She loves what is inside that body and the soft and cuddly part is just cute and yes, "cuddly" for her.

To the OP, I don't know why men will change. Maybe they never change and you just thought they were more than who they were before married them. Some men are just shallow for life and nothing you can do about it.

Whats this whole issue with "personal level" issues and credibility? Is that supposed to be somehow an insult that my credibility comes into question because I know couples who are well matched in looks and fitness and who never gained more than a fluctuating 5 lbs throughout their relationship? Oh dear!


Ok, so you know a lovely friend of yours who is into a bear type and is super happy. Good for her, kudos to her that she likes that type, but if you are going to say that YOU are that "type" of girl who prefers the bear, then say so outright, defend yourself and make the clear distinction of the "Us and them".


Anyone here knows that in life there are exceptions to the rule and I do appreciate you pointing to your friend and proving just that, there are exceptions, but really, there is no need to "doubt" my credibility because my opinion is worth about as much as yours is here...so lets just say that you and your friend might be into the cuddly types, but you might also consider that you are the exception and not the steadfast rule.


Human beings are first and foremost visual creatures, what comes after that is ones ability to transcend that and shine through the adipose tissue. No harm in any of it, in my opinion.

<<>>

No. Your credibility comes into question when you said you do not know many thin women would choose heavier guys and yet you still made such assumed reasons of their choices. Or maybe your credibility has been consistent and somehow I just have a false disappointment that I thought you had more judging from some good suggestion your wrote before.


<<>>

You are big on assumption, ain’t you.


<<>>

I agree with you. But there is NO RULE of why people choose each other and how a happy couple should LOOK like.


<<>>

I disagree. Only SOME human are visual creatures. And that’s why we call them creatures since they are in the lower tier of human evolution. Vision is not and has not been the first and foremost sense of human knowing other human. Language is. Refusal of passing the level of adipose tissue, doesn’t matter they prefer fat or thin, it puts them to the same category of racist and bigotry.

*SMH* now on to racists, bigots and rules on what a happy couple must look like? And its me thats making assumptions! Lol. Happy times!

Hi, have you ever considered that your hubby may be feeling inferior to you, and maybe he feels that he is not your number one priority, therefore he is picking on something that he knows will upset you.


I say this based on the fact that you work full time and are doing further studying, and that you have no time to exercise.


Maybe he FEARS that you are not the person he married, cos you are obviosly bettering yourself.


Also, relationships require constant nurturing and attention........if you are SO busy....how much time and attention do you give to your husband.


Just a few ideas, which are maybe taking the emphasis away from the physical

Gee I see lots of homely happy couples in Western countries like Australia - who seem content enough-they do not live try to live their lives like a Hugh Grant movie ...its all real and they have a sense of humour about shortcomings and image.. Hong Kong is a bit of a sad place in many ways -a bit phony really ...plastic people ,with no roots ,identity issues ...so that means looks and money become the important issues instead of love , humour acceptance fidelity ...character ,integrity...I am an expat too so guess I am guilty of this to some extent...sad though ...really pathetic...but what to do? go home to be one of the fat chicks in the mall Or stay to be in a place where men brag about dating 50 kilo women? Exclusively? And talk to ...themselves? their mirror (or is it a case of the Dorian Grays) Hell I admit I laugh at TX ,he sounds smart and sometimes is very apt but he hates women -he has to to talk about them the way he does and if in fact he really does treat them like he says-psychologically not rocket science to group under mysogynist- I bet mother issues) Deep.So what to do about a husband who cant love the poster if she has put on a few pounds? Come on...No character? Shallow?Immature? You betcha.Kick to kerb...

Apparently, the nagging have lessen after I started to work out in gym 3 days a week, he seems to be more happy. I guess I can still love my husband because he appreciates at least..but hard work!

well it goes both ways. I know women that are slim and sexy and dumped their fat husbands!

Article in the news about this topic... I suspect the same would be true re: men who are married vs single...


A new study shows single women are generally thinner than their married counterparts.


Researchers followed a group of women for ten years. They found the ones who got married on average gained four more pounds than those who didn't.


The ones who had a baby gained an average of nine pounds more.


Researchers say single women may stay more slender to try to attract a mate.


They also say women who give birth go through metabolic changes that often increase weight gain.


http://www.wbay.com/Global/story.asp?S=11786828

The whole 'body Nazi' scene in Hong Kong is regrettable on a number of levels. I agree with Starries on most points and that other cultures seem to have a healthier attitude to accepting changes in appearance in a long relationship. I personally would not want someone who was merely attracted to my appearance, as I would think that would be an awful burden to carry throughout the relationship, and I'd lose respect for him. Keeping in reasonable shape for one's own self-esteem and health is important to me however, and I think more so for people generally these days.


The truth is, people don't stay with each other just for a good body alone. Many beautiful people are cheated on and dumped, or dateless. The attraction that keeps people committed is usually based on emotional and intellectual (i.e. meeting of like minds, shared interests, views etc.), and family aspects first, but can be undermined if one of the partners doesn't seem to appreciate the importance of keeping up a reasonable standard of self-care and try to stay reasonably attractive to the other. If they are both totally okay with letting that slide then of course, no problem.


In the OP's case, her husband clearly appreciates her efforts to please him and to look after herself. At least he has let her know what he wants, and hasn't (hopefully) just given up on her and taken on a more in-shape lover. This may point to him having other emotional feelings for her, as well as physical. If he just is totally superficial though, yes, it would be unpleasant and a turn off.

In alot of cases, once the wife gets married, they unconsciously make the man fat.

a) A way to a man's heart is through his belly

b) Makes him less attractive to other women.


Other issues that comes with marriage is that both men and women hide alot of things about themselves before marriage. They see mainly the surface of their partners.


Once married though, other complications come into play. e.g. house work, etc.


And of course, the hidden features begin to surface.


Then it is a balancing act as to whether the hidden features are acceptable to each other.


It's one reason why I think people should live with each other for a period before marriage.

Women and men should always struggle to stay fit for own good regardless of being single or married. It's a matter of self-esteem and respect.


Not only men are visual, we women aren't exceptional. I can't imagine I would date a man who is excessively overweight. It's not about them being fat, it's more about their mindset and attitude as we all know that keeping regular workout and healthy diet takes considerable self-discipline and strong will power, which tells a lot about the person's charactor.


TXcowboy, some of your points are valid, but you've been way too bumptious !

of course one should always look after oneself, financial, mental, emotional, and of course physically. One should always maintain his/her individuality in any relationship. only one is loved by him/herself, can he/she be loved by others. Love, not sympathy or any other sort. Yo have to feel good, comfortable with/about yourself before other feel the same about you. simple. complain never gets you anywhere. I for one would never lay my being totally in anyone else' hand but my own. and i am a female.

It's not even about anyone else, if THEY like you or not, if THEY accept you. It's always about oneself first.

And i certainly would appreciate the same traits in a guy who understands what i am talking about. Can't stand who does not look after himself, physically to start with. Lose my respect .

Firstly, I am not posting this as a opinion or a gender attack. It is simply an amusing, well I thought so, conversation I over heard in Moscow a few years back relevant to the title of this thread;


Foriegner; There are so many gorgeous looking young women in this town, why are all the "Babooshka's (older ladies) so fat and angry, what happens to them?


Russian male; They get married...

Yep, agreed you should check out all the older ladies from the great red north near my summer home.

Yes... they got married... and the men set about ruining their lives...? Does this thread really have to run to conclusions that after the women got married they then stopped caring about themselves or their husbands...? Think of other more likely scenarios... men started beating their wives, staying out drinking, not providing enough support for the women to keep themselves nicely, had affairs.... I've seen it all I'm afraid.. How many women sacrifice for their children...? Most... Women who marry often become mothers... then often are forced to put a whole string of people before their own needs... Think about that one..


Who wouldn't be a single girl...? Happy, carefree, and earning her own money? Unfortunately many women are sold the idea that a man will look after her, but what often happens is she enters into a trap of abuse and neglect... see other posts for some confirmation of this. Marriage doesn't have to be like this....

I really hope I could make a difference in helping out married couples - my bad experience in this did not deter me from learning more tips to overcome this.

Recently I found two books which are incredible - What Women Want Men To Know (Barbara Angelis) and What Great Leaders Should Know (Robert Edmonson)

Barbara tells you how to understand men and women's emotion; Robert tells you how to ask more listen more by giving you conversation samples -coaching questions to ensure amazing communication with your loved ones (even works with boss and kids...) Incredible books - Read them to believe it, you will thank me (no...I mean them.....)

Profused,

ask yourself if other men find you attractive. If they do, it's because you look after your appearance, not because of your beautiful soul.

Why would you expect your husband to be any different from other men?

He knows you well, he probably married you because of your qualities, personality, looks etc. I believe that if you turned into an angry bitch, he would complain. So why do you expect him to make allowances when it comes to your looks?

We all age, and we can't look the same we did 10 years ago, but we can age with grace. It doesn't matter whether you are married or single, both men and women should look after themselves, eat healthy and exercise regularly.


I don't wear revealing clothes, and don't wear much make-up but my bf still pays me a lot of compliments because in his eyes i am still attractive. I don't need to dress provocatively, i just wear clothes that he likes (he often chooses them for me, as i have no interest in shopping) and go to the gym 3 times a week. I also swim regularly and play other sports. He likes sporty women, and if i had turned into a couch potato i am sure he would feel that i let him down. He fell in love with a slim, fit woman, i would short-change him if i started to put on weight and become lazy.

Hi Selda,


may agree with you at some point. But what if you are gaining weight not coz you are lazy, but because you got some health issues that is leading you to gain weight and you are not sitting there doing nothing about it, but you are healing your health slowly - Is your husband then allowed to leave you for this reason and not stand by you for such a minor issue?


It is similar to saying smth to your partner whom you dearly love that 'look honey, i love you the most today, but if tomorrow you lose your hand or even a finger, or you cannot walk properly, i will leave you!'

"It is similar to saying smth to your partner whom you dearly love that 'look honey, i love you the most today, but if tomorrow you lose your hand or even a finger, or you cannot walk properly, i will leave you!'"



Well, this is the ugly side of this world... and sometime it happens.


Its like some women would say" today i love this man, but if tomorrow he lost all his money, i will leave him"


But there are many cuople don't do this way... if the man lost all his money, his woman will still be there and help him to start again. and if she can not walk properly one day, he will push her wheel chair to the park show her flowers. And this is the real relationship that we can sweat on .

profused,

being maimed in an accident is different than putting on weight.

If you eat moderately and exercise regularly, you will lose weight. What health issues would stop you from losing weight? I know a morbidly obese man who had gastric surgery...now that he can eat only little, he has lost half of his body weight. Before surgery he kept telling people that he was obese because of health issues...well, i am not sure you can describe as a health issue his love of cheesecake, burgers and fries!


Once you lose a hand in an accident no lifestyle changes can give it back to you.


I do love my partner but if he left himself go, i.e. put on a lot of weight, i would be less attracted to him, maybe lose interest in sex, etc...i would not leave him, but i would be less inclined to have sex with him.

Actually, its the same issue... does he/she accept the shortage of you. If he/she can not accept it, you just waste your time with him/her.

Hello Profused


People go into marriages with certain expectations or fantasies about what they are going to get or what will happen- a Disney happily ever after story. Only that years later they realise that the other person is only human and they have faults just like yourself. We then have to grow up and revise our expectations closer to reality.


It is great that you are taking care of yourself and exercising. However, can I suggest that you do it for you and not for your husband. Before you can love anyone else or have them love you- love yourself. This means taking care of your physical and mental self.


I had the delussional idea that if I gave my husband and children everything-including my health for the relationship, that I will be appreciated and loved no matter what kind of toll this sacrifice took out of me and the way I looked. It was very sad and painful not to feel appreciated after all of this.


Trials happen in your life for reason- to learn and change. This is a time to revise what you want out of your life and what your husband wants out of you. Have an honest and open talk about expectations and feelings. Most of all, after 5 years of marriage, what do you want?


p.s. not to scare you but to keep you alert- from my experience, when a man begins to complain about their wife, it means that they are comparing you to someone else that they think is better.....

I've been staring at this for the last 30 mins. TXcowboy has it right. You might not like it, but that's the way the world really is. never mind how unfair, etc, that's the truth.


I fear Profused did not really understand her husband when she married him.

Never think anything is unfair in this world, on the contrary i think its very fair...


The man who leave his woman because she is no long perfect, later his woman will leave him when he is no longer make enough money.


When some men said that all the women that he dated before were only interested in his money, it makes me think maybe all his function to women is nothing more than a ATM. (ex.: If he doesn't care, why his women should expect caring from him, and also she will not care back)

Eh, I suspect that it is partly an issue of getting married too early...


I dated my husband for more than 10 years before we got married [we met when we were quite young], and was surprised at how different being married felt. Before we were married, we lived together off and on, but did our own thing -- moved for our careers without regard to the other, and got together whenever it was feasible. After we got married, we started making choices with respect to what was best for the team rather than the individual. And now that we have kids, we make choices with respect to what is best for us as a family.


At different times, each of us has been more "successful" than the other, made more money, had more opportunities to stray, etc. We have been fat and thin, rich and poor, sick and well. None of it made much difference since by then we understood how temporary a situation can be.


Oh, and sex is much MUCH better now than it was when we were 22. For both of us.

It is not all about looks and weight. Changes after marriage or a given time in relationship is when one discovers the reality of the character of their mate. They were on Best behavior during courtship, with willingness to stretch, and the return to being usual self x weeks or months after relationship is established and seems solid. It then becomes daily 'work' to maintain or grow what was in the first months. In fact, the longer married, the more time and emotional investment needed to put in relationship for it to maintain. Looks play a part, but what matters most for continued attractiveness, is what effort you put in for yourself first, then him/her. And that's definitely mental . Communication comes next, then acceptance of the other, then the rest.

My personal view of marriage: it can be GREAT!