Posted by
CherieCC
15 yrs ago
I was recently away on hols with friends for a couple of weeks and when I returned, for some reason, my boyfriend didn't seem that happy to see me, and he wasn't keen on sex. I brushed it off thinking that he was having some work issues (which has happened in the past, and has put him off sex), and thought it would pass after a few days, but it didn't!
When I confronted him about it, asking if he's bored with me, or he's no longer attracted to me (we've been together for about 1.5yrs), or that it's because I've put on weight (I've actually lost weight recently), or if he's met someone else, he said no! (very confidently)
It's now been more than 1 month and even though I have tried initiating several times, he's just said he's not in the mood. Is it really possible for a guy to not want sex for more than 1 month and not be getting it from anywhere else? We're only in our early 30s, so it sounds rather strange to me for a guy that young to have such a low sex drive? but yet I want to believe that he's not cheating on me or that he's bored with me, and I really hope that he still loves me and is still attracted to me...
What should I do to "check" if he's still into me, or how can I "entice" him to have sex with me again? He still hugs and kisses me, but it's just not the same :(
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u already knew the answer.
He's gettin it somewhere else and wasn't even happy to see u, let alone be enticed by ur body.
U already feel it, do u still needa "check"?
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When I confronted him about it, asking if he's bored with me, or he's no longer attracted to me (we've been together for about 1.5yrs), or that it's because I've put on weight (I've actually lost weight recently), or if he's met someone else, he said no! (very confidently)
the question is, how much weight did you gain in how much time since you are together? i dont want to say that this is the reason, but could be one and the fact that you went away made him realize that...
just an option...
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sicn
15 yrs ago
You can have your fun vacation without him and meanwhile he can do the same, right?
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"Is it really possible for a guy to not want sex for more than 1 month and not be getting it from anywhere else? "
Yes - the urge does subside. (especially after marriage)
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Dear Cherie,
Is there a possibility that your BF may have developed some kind of physical problem due to the pressure of work issues you mentioned? It may not be a sudden thing in that it could have made things more difficult for him to begin or complete until lately he has no confidence at all and rather than embarrass himself, he'd rather not make the attempt, rather than for it to result in some failure. He could actually be telling the truth; he is neither cheating nor does he not feel attracted to you anymore.
Wait. Observe patiently.
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Wow, so many games being suggested.
Here are the possibilities that are pretty real world:
(a) He is a closet homosexual (You can easily combat this issue, assuming you still want to stay with him, by getting a very short haircut and wearing pants at all times in order to appear more attractive)
(b) He has an STD, has had one all along, has not been honest with you about it and yet doesn't want you to get it and then find out he has had it all along...so he avoids sex while he gets treated. This would clearly explain week long "Not in the mood" issues or longer than that, if he ain't communicating, he is somehow hiding. (But a one month stint without sex could only point to recurring HPV, which is kinda unheard of for someone to have it that often in 1.5 years, HSV on the other hand, can recur many times in that period if someone has a compromised immune system and suffers stress). He gets sullen and withdrawn because he is essentially living a lie. (Now this here is a valid suggestion although a "scare the crap out of you" one. So I suggest you still talk to him about this besides the mere "Does my bum look big in this skirt" questions)
(c) He is suffering from some sort of "cant-get-it-up" syndrome that afflicts him from time to time. (And lets face it, if he is at that point in his 30's how far south can it go in 30 years? Still, all joking aside, he could be suffering from depression, stress or secretly taking anti-depression meds that keep the libido low and the little man lower still!)
(d) He is really bonking someone else or has bonked someone else and is being eaten alive with guilt/self disgust and sees sex with you as "feeding the monster" and hence avoids it altogether so as to not give you ideas that this will last
Hooooo.....
I say its likely to be one of these 4 options.
Although...............
You didn't seem to have much to tell us about your conversation with him on this matter apart from him coming up with a resounding no to questions that would pertain purely to your insecurities about your body, your beauty, your prowess in the bedroom. So really? What kind of communication relationship do you guys have? Its usually women that end up bored in the bedroom before men do, so this is definitely something on the odd side. How often were you guys having sex in the first 3 months of your relationship? If you answer "Once a week" then I would say the point you are at now is totally normal and should fall in the category of "You picked a sexual dud and not sexual dynamite".
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me finks he in LUUVE, but not with you
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maybe he got born again and doesn't know how to tell you...Christians don't agree with sex before marriage
or he may be into someone else...
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Hmmm ...
I would agree with the last part Justin Credible wrote. Abt the 'sex dud'
When at first I was dating my husband, we had a good sex life whenever we met for maybe 2-3 days at most. It was a long distance thing most of the time.
We broke up, then got back together after 2 years with a decision to get married. This second time we barely had sex in the short dating cycle of 3 months. I didnt give it much thought at the time.... but yes its true, we just entered our 30's and our sex life is practically non existent. We do it maybe once a month and sometimes even that point passes!! And I havent touched a year of wed lock as yet. I went through weird phases to understand why.. and well now all my expensive lingerie and indulgent ideas and desires are packed away and kept out of sight. Coz I dont want to remind myself of this being abnormal.
But yes, I guess I married a sex dud. and broaching the topic with him doesnt work. Ive slept nights alone coz I wanted it but didnt want to bring it up. So now, I use my creativity at arts instead ...... and yes in the past 2-3 months now I dont care abt what I eat so much anymore, when I was good it didnt matter.. so well what the heck.
And no, separation doesnt make sense for me... there are too many frogs out there. And Im tired of looking, he's a good man and a responsible one at that.
Best of Luck figuring out your balance... meanwhile I think I'll ensure we spend our anniversary someplace where sex will be the last thing on my mind.
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It was not a gradual decrease as with aging, and how does he know he can't get it up if he hasn't tried.
It is another chick or some type of STD. HIV causes mental and physical soft-ons.
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Thanks everyone for your replies!
I have thought about most of the options / reasons above:
1. Asked him point blank several times if he's gay, and he said no. Also asked our common close gay friend and he is quite sure that my bf is not gay either.
2. STD - well, maybe, but I have seen him take showers and change in front of me, and he looks fine there... unless it's one of those non-rash or no symptoms type of STD?
3. Depression - yes, he tends to get moody and depression bouts quite often, and has pills for them, and used to see a shrink. But I don't think he's on pills anymore, unless he's hiding them from me...
4. He's not religious...
When we first got together, we were all over each other all the time. Or at least every time either one of us is overseas and when we're back together, we'd be jumping on each other... but of coz, the frequency level did drop over time... to about say once or twice a week (after about 1 yr of our relationship)?
He says he is not seeing anyone else, and that he's generally not a very affectionate guy, and he's already been the most sexually active with me as compared to his other ex'es... and he said he's just annoyed at me for asking him so many questions and being so paranoid and thinking that he's cheating on me... so maybe that's why he's just generally not keen on having sex with me 'coz he thinks I don't trust him anymore?
btw, I was away for a religious retreat, not a "fun vacation" without him...
ok I will try to be patient and yes, will let you guys know how it goes. thanks again for all your advice!
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Be less needy and try out hinting about marriage. If he responds positive he is feeling guilty about something and still wants you. If he avoids the topic then he is losing interest.
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you went for a religious retreat and he is non-religious?
could be a deal breaker for me actually, though some people need longer to realize this
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At first, I thought it was certain he had been cheating but not quite so sure now. Just a couple of questions. You mention weight; have you put on a lot of weight - ie not just a few pounds but enough to change your proportions? Secondly, if he does have some major problem at work then he will spend most of the time thinking about it (men usually concentrate on one thing at a time). Thirdly, you've been together 1 1/2 years so the passion phase is drawing to a close.
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Could be STD.....or he realizes that sex is not an art to him but life to him...if he does not want to marry you, then he does not want to destroy you........
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You were away for a couple of weeks. How long is a couple? Two, three? More?
You come back, he's treating you poorly, or like he's not interested.
Did you keep contact while you were away? Or were you holed up praying? You said you went on 'hols' with a couple of friends... Now it's become a religious retreat. What was it?
My guess is he's angry.
Over what... I don't know... perhaps a sense that you can go away and not think about him, or just expect him to be cool that he doesn't share your life with you. He's probably been thinking that he doesn't fit your view of him, or you of his. Or concerned that you can take off without him. He's not religious... you seem to be... You're so religious you go off with others on a retreat... I don't know, but doesn't sound like this is a good sign.
In any case, one month is a long time to be moping around without saying anything.
Are you doing things that make him feel that you are interested in his feelings? Not just his sexual side?
Sounds like to me he's doing a lot of thinking about exactly what he means to you, and vice versa. He might now be putting you to the test. Do you really care about me...?
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Thanks again for all your replies...
I have put on maybe a coupla pounds over the past few mths, but I have been hitting the gym regularly and watching my diet, so have actually lost quite a lot of weight in the last month...
I have also asked him about marriage... and he said he's not ready... and yes I agree on the religion issue, that we shld really jus call it off since we're not seeing eye to eye on religion but it's always easier said than done... :(
I went away for 2 wks and we were sms-ing and/or emailing each other almost every day, and talked on the phone every other day, so it's not like I was cold to him when I was out of town. ("on hols" just meant, on vacation, away from work)
hmmmm yup maybe I shld try to be less needy... and he doesn't understand why I keep asking him what he's feeling and why is he not talking to me, and why I want us to tell each other everything and share our feelings... he just seems very 'macho' and the type of guy that sweeps everything under the carpet... I do care about him - maybe too much - it feels more like he doesn't care about me...
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I agree with My Hong Kong.
Pull back on all the asking of questions about how he is feeling... interrogation... talk about marriage ... you are showing too many 'needy' signals.
A man marries a woman who makes him feel good about himself, and with whom he feels he can have a better life, not necessarily a more financially advantageous one, but a life where he feels he can fulfil himself and one that is is not 'difficult' i.e. not dealing with a person who is continually doubting his, or her own feelings. Your doubts, fears and insecurities will eat away at his sense of this being right.
People with different views about religion etc. can successfully manage a relationship if they don't fixate on harmony of viewpoints as an essentail part of the relationship. You may be trying to put him into a box he doesn't want to fill.
If you love this man, and he loves you, then you have to revive the attraction, which is emotional and intellectual before it is sexual. Sexual excitement in a long term relationship arises out of those deeper sources of happiness... when someone can't wait to see the other person because they have a strong bond. Your nagging and insecurity will make him less likely to want to be around you.
Create positive energy in your mind and life. Show him (note the operate word show) you enjoy being around him, have missed him. Do kind things, don't react to negativity... give him space to appreciate that. Appreciate the kind things he does for you. There are few things more appealing than a positive, confident and kind person.
If you emanate receptivity, he will begin to share his feelings with you.
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tpol
15 yrs ago
When I'm really busy at work or have been physically tired (e.g. lack of quality sleep), I too do not have the urge for sex.
However, when I am freer and feeling good, I want it all the time.
He could be in a down cycle about something which is affecting him but trying to drag it out of him might be hard as it could be an ego destructive issue.
If he feels he can talk to you about the issue, he will.
Men sometimes wont talk to their partners because they fear they see the issue that they are facing affects their partner's image of them. They would probably seek out another female friend to talk to.
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I don't believe the STD theory - anything curable would be OK by now, and he looks OK.
Yes, He has lost interest in you -
possibly pressure at work, possibly he's carrying on with someone else, but more likely he's found he doesn't like you that much. Might be weight gain, or nagging, bad habits, or something trivial that bothers him.
good news - it might be solve-able if you can fix what the problem is. However, men rarely open up unless they are severely drunk, so giving him an interrogation will only worsen things. You might try both getting drunk, and playing some truth or dare game ?
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Just reading the subject line gave me a bad feeling. Anytime a man doesn't want sex one should be seriously concerned. That said, there are some occasions where they don't want it. I haven't experienced too much of this but recently my bf visited me and on one night we went back to my place. He was touching me and massaging my feet but that was it. He couldn't wait to go home and shave because he said he felt 'ugly'. The next night everything was fine, so I suppose men can be sensitive about that stuff. Also, some men may not agree with me on this, but it's usually better to let the man make the moves on you.
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perhaps it's you with the issues.... i mean, you are using 2 names to sign in here, you're talking it up to complete strangers etc.
hmmmmmmmm
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dear i can say u like sex too much and he dont nothing else and if u want every hour or every day so need to find me then we have have something i m ready to give u every day and every hours dear some person think sex is importntant some think not its here so if u wan send then email me thanks waiting for reply
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It very well could be he had unprotected sex and now is bugging out thinking he has HIV, Syphlis or HSV2 and to know for sure that he does not he would have to wait 12 weeks to get tested. Or any myriad of things really. But he has either A.) Done something stupid or B) Hes just not into you anymore
At any rate in a normal relationship guys want sex all the time. Anyway it sounds like the relationship is screwed, its only been 1.5 years so save yourself the aggravation and bail.
I doubt next time you will be so unlucky next time.
Good Luck
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Your absence for two weeks may have given him pause for thought and time to reevaluate the relationshipm, especially if this is the longest the two of you have been apart.
He may be having second thoughts about his feelings for you, and after 1.5 years of being together, if he is thinking about the future, he might be thinking it may be without you, but hasn't worked out how to tell you yet.
This may have come about with or without thoughts of being with another girl or having been with another girl. He may not have done anything that was 'not kosher' while you were away, but he may have met someone casually and is now thinking he wants to be free to pursue her or someone else like her.
You were away on a religious camp? If he's not the religious type, that could be a real turn off that he's only thought about recently and is now trying to distance himself from you. First sexually, which will be followed by emotionally.
You actually asked him several times if he was gay? Ouch. That has to go. Nothing worse than being asked probing questions that question one's masculinity, and proposing that as the reason for not wanting sex. Guys do have their pride after all. And it sounds needy. Overall the prognosis doesn't look good.
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Better u dont try with him for sometimes and try to make him happy his way and wear some nice dress wht he liked u weard before.make him cool.try make him more attention with u via like his style.he will back to u.
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Posted by The_Moog (20 days ago)
[ Message | Report Abuse ]
"Is it really possible for a guy to not want sex for more than 1 month and not be getting it from anywhere else? "
Yes - the urge does subside. (especially after marriage)
(I am based in Hong Kong)
You yourself Moog has a problem better see a doctor or phsychiatrist . . . .
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Cherrie
Don't ask him back for sex. Just get your body back to your best. Either way, just leave him and find the right guy. Obviously he only loves you when you look gogeous.
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c'mon ... maybe he just re-watched the 'American Pie 3' and think about 1 of the quote there:
"The longer a relationship could go without sex, the longer the marriage will be" :)
why u r valuating ur current relationship like what-women-used-to-think-about-men stereotype (based on sex) now?
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maxis
15 yrs ago
there are many reasons, and many can be his issues.
He may not feel comfortable discussing them.
He may be on antidepressants and not tell you, many people are on them for a period of time in their life. He may keep them at work so you dont know.
Don't ask him "are you on medication that has dropped your drive" - this is very offensive.
Why not get away at CYN, a low stress place like central Taiwan, do nothing and relax, and let time give it healing.
HK can be at times like a never ending journey of perpetual inconveneinces stress, that accumulate and manifest in different ways.
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I believed that he got someone on other hand and please beware !
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Hi No worries... I am a passionate love maker... I am coming to hongkong soon... keep in touch... hehehe
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Neffy
15 yrs ago
Hi, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's been over a month since your first post has anything improved since than? It's natural for a woman to think that when a man doesn't want sex it's because of infidelity, I would think the same. But if thats not the case than I am thinking drugs. When people are on certain drugs such as heroin, and probably even some prescriptions they lose their sex drive. I know first hand, he could go for three months without sex because of the drugs.
I think at this point its been two months since your initial post. If your bf still has not made love to you something is def wrong. If he's not willing to try and make it work, whether by discusssing it with you, counseling or whatever than it may be time to think about moving on. Its tough but at least you're not married to him therefore theres no legal commitment. I hope it all works out though!
Based in America
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Thanks again everyone for your replies. It was slightly better in the sense that he was being much nicer and sweeter to me about 2 or 3 weeks ago, and things were becoming back to normal - in terms of companionship. But we have only made love once in the last 2 mths.
He does take medication coz he has difficulty sleeping at night, and he is slightly anaemic so he takes pills for that too, but I don't think he takes any other drugs.
Anyway, a mutual friend has recently mentioned or strongly implied to another friend that he may be straying so I guess there's a high chance that it's true... am not sure if I should just confront him or just walk away. The source is a reliable one so I don't think I need to find any further evidence...
sigh yes at least we're not married so I can still walk away. just glad to find out now than later...
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If you want him still respect you after break up, you better just walk away...
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