Bored and dead in bed...



ORIGINAL POST
Posted by HeelsinHK 15 yrs ago
Hi,

Thanks for your responses. Am guessing maybe a marriage councillor would make sense. Any suggestions anyone ? (In HK )

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COMMENTS
HeelsinHK 15 yrs ago
I thought of that. But if he was then we wouldnt have had a good sex life when we were dating long distance. Albeit a few meetings, there were no complaints !


And we do go on holidays together etc... ...

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sicn 15 yrs ago
great that you are easy on the eyes. but are you easy enough to his mind that he will share his fantacies with you? are you the uptight or demanding type? some men don't like to be pressured into sex. Some even like to be begged...

humor, playful, naughty, role-playing... are great ways to his pants...

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tpol 15 yrs ago
Gee, it's usually the man complaining.

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ATPATP 15 yrs ago
Talk to your man. If that doesn't change, go out and play the field again.

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beijingman 15 yrs ago
I think most men are the same !


As you told, you two have been together for couple of years and I believe he knows every inch of your body very well by now, he just lost his appetite no matter how pretty you still are or having wonderful figure. But very important, don't mix it with his love on you !!!



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balzac 15 yrs ago
where was it that i head ' behind every beautiful woman there is a man who is not fkg her'? Seems to hold true. I cant offer much insight into this. If you both love each other and want to make things work, talk about it and 'do it'. Otherwise try joining a club. (not recommended)

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CaptDave 15 yrs ago
My Hong Kong wrote.....In some religions, Judaism is one of them, men are told that it's their DUTY to provide sex so their wife is happy...

For what it's worth, Christianity teaches this also.


Basically if the marriage bed is dead, the marriage will go the same way too... just a matter of time. Get counseling if you haven't already. Hope you can solve it.

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Justin Credible (Part Deux) 15 yrs ago
I'm with captain dave on this...if the nookie well has run dry, its time to either pull out the crotchless panties...or break the piggy bank and head to a sex therapist.


Good luck!

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HeelsinHK 15 yrs ago
Funny as it may sound, first Id figured Id give it more time... try stuff. He doesnt want to... and after a few huge fights/ discussions later he finally came out in the open. He masturbates pretty often (while we do it just maybe once a month or once in 2 months) ... He says he loves me. Ive never been in a love relationship where the man has not wanted me.


He doesnt want to go to a marriage therapist, says there is no problem to solve, hence the person cant help. Also he says he didnt think sex was that important. ..but he pushed away thoughts of other people... I asked him would he want to see someone else and the answer was "not while Im married to you"....


I thought abt it... just moved to a lonely rental with whatever I could afford last night. Left him a note asking him to not contact me till he has thought through it.


I left New York, I left my job, left everything to move to HK to be with him... Leaving the past aside... looks like I need a divorce. Like someone said its a problem thats deeper, first year of marriage and sex once a month ?

:( :(

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Slammy 15 yrs ago
Hi Heels... just responded to your other thread...


One thing to add: you asked him if he wants to see someone else and he said "not while I'm married to you."


This comment would suggest that he's thinking about the time when he's NOT going to be married to you.


Well, there's one tiny bright side - if his comment is true, at least he hasn't physically cheated on you. But the way he's treating you is just as bad. Sounds like he doesn't have the balls to be completely honest and end things.

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cookie09 15 yrs ago
slammy, you must be a woman to say the second comment "This comment would suggest that he's thinking about the time when he's NOT going to be married to you."


men do not think that way. they mean 'i am married so i don't cheat" when they say such things


i dont think there's much wrong, except that he lost his lust. either that's a deal breaker for helsinki or not, her call

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Slammy 15 yrs ago
Yes, Cookie, I'm a woman... and you may be right, that when he said "not while I'm married to you", he didn't mean anything more DEEP than that and I'm reading too much into the comment.


But on another point: do you really think that when men say "'i am married so i don't cheat", that they REALLY mean that? OK, I believe that some men do... but this one has had plenty of opportunity to cheat, due to OPs frequent business trips etc. He may have already done so but will not tell HeelsinHK.


But like you say, at the end of the day, the relationship appears to have moved on, he's lost his lust, it's perhaps better to call it quits sooner rather than later.


Heels - just do it! You'll feel much better once the dust has settled.

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HeelsinHK 15 yrs ago
sigh. any therapists / counsellor's numbers ? links ? I am obviously not the only one with a weird issue..

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Slammy 15 yrs ago
Nhoj: You need to communicate with your wife and work out something to spice things up. Sex toys, fantasies, whatever - you can't expect the lusty part of a relationship to automatically stay alive. Being monogamous ain't easy so it requires creativity and work!

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evianjune 15 yrs ago
no way it works. it is the wrong one you are with if that kind of scenario happens and only way to get out of it ( that scenario) is get out of it ( relationship).. that is if sex matters, to you - then, why should it not?

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Chris1968 15 yrs ago
Heelsinki

I am a married man and am in a similar situation. I do love my wife who is very attractive and hot - but just doesn't seem interested in sex. I am considered very good-looking and fit. I do believe she still loves me, but her behaviour puzzles me often. Have spoken to her several times in the past about her lack of interest in sex. She makes an effort then - a bit - and simply does whatever she has done a thousand times earlier. On the rare occasion, she does have sex, I know she is not as turned on as she used to be. Have bought several toys, sent articles etc. Have even gone so far as to suggest threesomes, erotic massages etc. But nope.

She is usually very well-turned out looking pretty sexy when she goes to work. And takes care to look sexy. Of late, I have started wondering if she has another interest.

I am deeply frustrated and am considering an affair. In fact, am planning to tell her about it - saying that I am close to the edge. Just to see how she reacts.

When we got married several years ago, we agree we'd treat each other as partners so we wouldn't take each other for granted. Today, it appears like we've reached retirement. And we're only in our early 40s.

If affairs help resurrect a marriage, I am all for it. As long as you're still in love with your spouse.

I probably sound warped.

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Slammy 15 yrs ago
Hi Chris,


Seems you have taken appropriate steps to try to revive your sex life. I think there's nothing wrong with telling your wife you've even been considering having an affair. Who knows, maybe she would okay it if she felt it would take the pressure off her. But I think it's great that you are being responsible about being open and honest with your wife.


Perhaps you could focus more on her and her fantasies and see if there's anything that gets her off... and more interested in the bedroom?? Or a trade-off - such as, if she thinks you should wash the dishes more etc... you agree to do something in return for some action, with her heart in it...


By the way, I don't think you sound warped. I think you are being sensible, reasonable and realistic.


Good luck.

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Chris1968 15 yrs ago
Slammy - thanks a bunch for the response and support.


Oh the suggestions all came from her fantasies, not mine! Trade-offs - well, the dishes are teh least of her worry. In fact, I cook at least twice a week as I love cooking. And once a month, I put together something really special, bring out the special cutlery/crockery, get teh scented candles and music etc. We even get dressed up like we're going to out for a nice dinner. I cook and we both happily do the ambiance creation. Then we clear up together. And enjoy a liqueur out on the terrace. Unfortunately, even this set up doesn't have the 'happy ending'. Much cuddles but that's it. I think a lot of it is also the highly stressful nature of her job (I am self-employed and work from home now so easier for me to manage time.) And it's not like we're suddenly uninteresting to each other - we have enormous fun, constantly laughing and we both love each other's sense of wit and humour.

Anyways, lemme try this strategy of 'threat of competition' so it at least doesn't get into outright cheating. Am going to get her to go shopping for toys and porn together with me now something we last did years ago in London and SF. Get her a different kind of retail therapy.

Shall let you know how it goes...

Cheers

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Chris1968 15 yrs ago
Heels - sorry this last post was more about me than you, but I was only attempting to share my approach to what appeared to be vaguely similar.

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