Posted by
hkhusband
15 yrs ago
I think this is the 2nd time shes had an affair - we have 2 children under 6, 1st time i read an email - we argued - it blew over and nothing was ever confirmed.
But this time I just have that "gut" feeling from a few things that have happened way she is acting.
I asked her a simple ? about something non concerning this, but i knew she didnt want to answer with the truth - what has worried me is she just lied & you wouldn't have known & so I feel she will never admit to anything.
This time round, I am extremely calm & want to work it out for my kids future/mine but feel I would like to know the whole picture & then excute on it.
Plan A talk/solution with our marriage going forward (we have 2 children who would be heartbroken, I think for the childrens sake parants staying together is always better especially when she could potentially move to UK with kids.)
Plan b which is what I think i will go with, get evidence get some legal advice, get prepared & never let her into my heart again
fyi. Just to say I dont cheat (how could I to my kids), am a good father, dont beat my wife, dont drink much, without being big headed earn a large income & she wants for nothing (well).
I just wonder whether its better this time to cut & go and meet someone who I do want to spend rest of my life with & have another family with.
What a nightmare, my poor kids.
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Hkhusband. Sorry to hear about this. It's very sad but you not the first and you won't be the last so don't beat yourself up too much. I don't really see the point of hiring a PI as I assume most divorces these days are 'non-fault'. If I were you, I would go and speak to a lawyer and see what your options are. I think divorce settlements and custody have a lot to do with where you sue for divorce but I am not a lawyer. Of course, if you want to keep the family together perhaps you should consider overlooking the situation and perhaps finding a mistress. This would at least take away some of your anger and give you time to plan your finances (ie siphoning off as much cash as possible). May God forgive me for saying this.
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Also sorry to read your message. I grew up as an only child with parents who only stayed together because of me. They had totally different interests and clearly did not love each other. Why they started a family together in the first place is beyong me.
Both of them would have been much happier finding the right person for them, and I would have had parents who were happy with their life. I would have seen that one does not have to stay in a highly unsatisfying situation simply because it was "better" not to upset the status quo. I would have seen that sometimes people have to live life not totally complying to society's norms and expectations. I would have learned that sometimes it is okay to admit that things are wrong, and take steps to make them better. So don't stay in your marriage for the sake of your kids, they will sense the atmosphere and they will know not all is right in the family.
Secondly, in your shoes I would want concrete proof that my gut feeling is either correct or not. Whether you get the proof with PI, by monitoring her phone and email communication, thru friends or simple confrontation and admission, does not matter.
But if money is not a problem, do hire a PI. Then you don't need to do the dirty work yourself, saving you time, trouble and some initial heartache. The PI will present you with full picture and you then know exactly where you stand, and can make decisions accordingly.
Even though there is now no-guilt divorce in Hong Kong, if she truly has been fooling around and you have clear proof of that, it might work for your and your kids benefit during the divorce proceedings.
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Sorry to hear your story. If I were you I would hire a very good lawyer first. Not necessarily to start divorce proceedings, but simply to get an understanding of what your rights are, etc. He/she may be able to tell you if it would at all be helpful to have proof of you wife cheating on you (or not) - perhaps it helps with a settlement but perhaps it would not make any difference. Also, hiring a p.i. may make your wife very angry when she finds out, and despite everything that is happening or has happenend, you do need to stay on speaking terms for the children's sake. Plus you would not want her to ship your kids back to the UK on the first available boat (or plane). So: try to stay calm, and think this through together with a lawyer. Then you can decide whether or not you want to stay with her, for the children, for the money, for the love that is left or for another reason, or not. Last, do try to think of yourself as well, as you said you may want to find a new love in your life. But I still think that you need to know first where you stand from a practical/legal point of view. Good luck!
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tpol
15 yrs ago
I have a teenage friend who's parents are not in love but together for the kids.
She is very, very unhappy as the parents always fight and yell at each other. You can't always pretend to be civil when the love is gone.
Sometimes a quick clean cut rather than an agonizing long time is best but both have their drawbacks.
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Hi,
1. I agree it's best not to stay together "for the kids".
2. I would also agree to check first with a lawyer about your rights because you don't want to end up having no custody and never seeing your kids again.
3. Communication is the key: but maybe you need proof on your side first, if she's not willing to communicate what is going on.
4. So you find out she's cheating? Next step is to discuss it and maybe... if that can go well, you don't have to divorce if she realises the error of her ways and promises to change.
5. I guess if all else fails, then don't feel too harsh on yourself about a divorce. If you can maintain a positive relationship with your kids, you'll all be better in the longterm.
Good luck.
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Divorce is not the end of the world.
My parents divorced in thier 60s. We kids wish they had got divorced in thier 30s. We could at least have had a happy childhood. And they could have gone on to have a happier more functional (less dysfuntional) relationship with someone new.
Some marriages can be fixed. Others can't. My first marriage could not be fixed. We divorced. I learned from it. If you do get divorced try to learn from it and not make the same mistakes yourself next time. OK she may be more to blame than you, but forget blame, ask what you can learn.
Learning could include, marry a different kind of woman. Spend less time earning big money and more time building and maintaining the relationship. I met a nice guy in Shanghai, big earner, worked late everynight, seven days a week. Gave his wife everything (material), and wonders how they grew apart.
As for the PI. Don't bother. If she wants a divorce and you want to give her a divorce then there is not need for a PI.
Try raising the topic of divorce.
Final word. One other possible scenario. Are you the possesive jealous type. If you are you will have followed your previous girlfriends looking for evidence of unfaithfulness. You don't need to answer, but if this is the case, then you need to get some help to deal with any possesive tendancies. As they will destroy any and every relationship you have in future.
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Hang on a minute, aren't we all jumping the gun a bit here? She lied to you when you asked a couple of questions, and now you think she's having an affair?
What were the lies about? Serious lies, or how much her dress cost?
This is her 2nd affair? Did you have proof of the first one? Or did you just suspect?
Do you have a healthy sex life? Not meaning to pry, but you said she wants for nothing, and judging by a few other postings, quite a few women aren't getting much in THAT department..
What's wron with taking her out somewhere, different scene, wine, dine her and TALK....really talk to her, and listen.
The other advice is spot on, when and if you have proof, and have talked it through first.
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and the unasked question: are the children yours?
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I think a visit to a lawyer may bring a few things home to you my friend. First, you have a very slim chance of winning custody of the children especially if your wife is the primary carer of the children and you are working full-time. Second, it is almost impossiboe to divorce on the grounds of adultery unless you have a) photographic evidence or b) the other party is willing to admit it in writing. Third, if your wife returns to her home country AND she has custody of the children then how the hell are you are going to have joint access to your children? This last problem is a common problem in expat divorces.
There is the danger that if your wife gets the faintest whiff of an idea that you intend to file for divorce she will immediately file for divorce in the UK. Divorce courts in the UK are far more wife friendly than those in HK and you stand a good chance of being royally shafted on financial matters and custody of your children. Been there, done that and still bear the scars thanks to the family Court in the UK.
Think again, my friend. You have at least a 90% chance of losing custody of your children. Do whatever you can to work it out with your wife. With 2 young children you stand to lose them and to pay a hefty child support fee every month for the next 12 years or so for two children you may hardly ever see. Take my advice, please. Call a FEMALE divorce lawyer in the UK who specialises in expat divorces and knows how the Family Court in the UK works and she will confirm everything I have told you. It will make you change your mind about divorce.
WHATEVER IT TAKES - WORK IT OUT WITH YOUR WIFE however painful it may feel. The pain will be short-lived and as nothing compared to what you will feel if you lose contact with your children.
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Forgot to mention: if you and your wife do start discussing the possibility of separation and/or divorce and custody of your children , do make sure you take out a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent your wife removing your children from the jurisdiction of HK. At the very least, take possession of their passports.
Your wife cannot 'legally' remove the children from the jurisdiction of HK without your consent for a period of more than 28 days but it could happen and HK immigration will not stop her doing this if there is no port alert in place. Effectively, the matter then becomes one of international parental child abduction which is very messy and traumatic and involves Hague Proceedings, police in HK and the country your children are in, Interpol and two sets of lawyers and a High Court Judge making decisions about your children that the two of you ought to have sat down and discussed. You will have little or no control over the outcome.
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There's not a lot of information here really, and I would not really recommend you go cold on your wife and abandon your marriage or get into a messy situation without some proof or more grounds than this. Before you act to emotionally cut her off, or plan a divorce, I think you need to find out for certain, and asking her is not going to work with you because you are not going to trust any answer she gives. However, if you go the PI route you need to brace yourself for finding out some unpleasant facts if it is true and you should have some sort of response strategy in place before you find out to avoid getting yourself into a fit of rage or depression. You may be more angry about finding out who she is having an affair with, if she is indeed doing so.
If it were me, I'd look at the relationship as a whole. Are you otherwise happy in it? Is she loving usually, often etc.? Are there other tensions..? If it is in the main good, then you must try to make it better, and work to understand each other. If it is a cold marriage with everyone just going through the motions, then you need to do some serious analysis as to whether or not it was inevitable that a third party might creep into the situation etc. etc..
It might help you to go on your own to see a relationship counsellor to discuss your suspicions and the dynamics of your interactions to get another perspective and see if there is some way that you could turn this around, investigate your feelings for her and see if you feel it would be emotionally and practically possible for you to repair things. You may inadvertently be doing something that is driving her away, or there may be some other reason why she is not telling you the truth... people find it easier not to get into conflicts sometimes by avoiding an issue etc... Not being scrupulously truthful on every small matter is hardly grounds to distrust someone... especially if as Tigerbay says above, one is interrogated often... might be the strategy to avoid any fuss...
I am all for preserving relationships that exist if possible. There's a lot at stake here for all of you. You sound like you still love her. It's not as simple as abc to move from one relationship to another. Look at the situation as a whole. However, you must get some guidance first from a counsellor. It's not hard to know what a lawyer is going to tell you here, as Dr. Strangelove says, it's going to be stacked very nicely in your wife's favour, so it is best to try to work on yourself and the marriage if you love her, and especially since you only have a gut feeling at this stage.
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Agree with flashback !!
Do never make any decision when you are in anger !
Also do never think next relationship will be better if you can not handle the present relationship very well ...
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The reason I recommended seeing/talking to a female divorce lawyer in the UK is that once a husband considering divorce finds out what he is up against (basically the whole god-damned system) and how much it will cost not just in terms of legal fees but ongoing maintenance and alimony etc it is usually enough to bring him to his senses. Find a female solicitor who specialises in acting for wives who initiate divorces and who has a good track record in 'winning' settlements and custody issues to get the full gloomy picture. An 'honest' solicitor will tell you to go away and think again.
At the end of the day, you get over being taken to the cleaners. It's not being able to see your children without constant expensive and emotionally draining court battles that screws you up. If you are thousands of miles away from your children it is even worse. Stay married. If you really feel you have no choice but to divorce make sure you move back to wherever your children will settle. You will be a 'McDonald's' dad (you see them every Sunday on every high-street in Britain) but at least you will see them for 4 hours every fortnight as that is what the Family Court will 'allow' you.
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Strangelove:
I can read your sadness between the lines... you still not over with your ex, you leave comments like there is no LOVE in this world ...
Every marriage/relationship is different, women are different too, other's stories may not as same as yours
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I have to say, I am 100% behind Strangelove on this one.
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So when marriage can not carry on, two people have to be enemy and fight for each other's interests ?
I can never do that ... to the man i love dearly... even he did something wrong...
If the marriage/relationship really can not work out, i will let him go(take whatever he want) and wish him happiness in the future. Then start my new life again. I know the more i try to fight and gain more from this relationship the more difficult for me to let it go, and more difficult for me to start new life. so... just do me a favour....
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being familiar with betrayal and infidelity and it's causes in a relationship-
1) Dont stay together because of the kids
2) You have every right for happiness
3) She must be miserable herself
4) You're still young you can afford to have a fresh start with someone who loves you and your kids.
5) You only live once, life to the fullest.
best of luck
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" 4) You're still young you can afford to have a fresh start with someone who loves you and your kids. "
As long as you have a delighted personality and caring heart, you can always find true love in any stage of your life.
But to date with someone who can never walk out from his/her past, is really waste time.
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