Should I develop a marridge without love?



ORIGINAL POST
Posted by babara 15 yrs ago
For years I missed chances to fell in love for different reasons such pressure of work, the guy has married or we both are too shy to start to talk to each other. In the end, I thought I may choose to marry a guy I do not dislike, who are friendly to me.


Whether my choice is right?



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COMMENTS
Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela 15 yrs ago
It could be the best option in the long run but might lead to sexual frustration and you having affaird later on. Best avoid in my view but it's not such a bad idea.

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sicn 15 yrs ago
Maybe I dont quite get what Babara meant. If you can develop a marriage from a person who is friendly to you, why cant you do it from a person you love? Do you mean the persons you loved were not friendly to you?

Do you mean whether you shall marry someone who loves you more than you love him?

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yajiecho 15 yrs ago
seems i am in the same situation now ........

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babara 15 yrs ago
He is looking for a marridge too. I could feel I am not his love too. However we are family friends and both of us know we could provide each side a safe and easy life style. I image we could have a normal sex, but I am not looking forward to it and definitely we need have. It is a process we must go through before establishing a more closer relationship.


The situation for me now is I am a woman nearly 40, and I do not have youth to aatract a love now even though my face looks young . He looks OK, his heart is fine and his talent is normal.


I do not have sense on him! It seems sad that I do not have a love in this world. Probably it is another solution-- marring him and have affairs if it happens.


It makes me feel that if you do not have pain kill pills and you need suffer.

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TXcowboy 15 yrs ago
"I do not have sense on him! It seems sad that I do not have a love in this world. Probably it is another solution-- marring him and have affairs if it happens. "


This is the best you can do, considering your age. You are taking a very mature decision and I congratulate you for it.

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cookie09 15 yrs ago
while i might be able to agree with txcowboy, be mature enough and discuss this issue with him beforehand

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tigerbay 15 yrs ago
There is a real danger here that one or both of you will feel trapped. This would be a recipe for real unhappiness.


We all have different levels of need for love. If you are someone who needs to feel loved, this would be a painful arrangement. There are others who feel less need for intimacy, and it could be a practical arrangement. I have known married couples who reach this stage. They share a house and social time, but have seperate bedrooms, and don't feel the need for affairs either.


If you are marrying because of parental pressure, you will then be under pressure to have a child. This would add to any strain you will feel.


It might seem like a plausible alternative now, but If you don't love each other, liking each other may not be enough. I know couples who divorced because of this lack of love, and feeling trapped.


Someone once said, there is nothing more lonely than living with the wrong person. I found this with my first marriage. I was actually much happier when I was alone again and free. BTW lots of people marry/re-marry in thier 40s. There are many good divorced men out there for you to choose from as well as single men.


Lots of people meet on-line these days. Lots of people marry after meeting on-line as well. Have you tried that method? If not, I strongly recommend you try it before thinking further about marrying someone you don't have strong feelings for, who feels the same way about you.


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rainbow1980 15 yrs ago
Agree with "tigerbay"


Don't lose hope for life and LOVE. :)



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Slammy 15 yrs ago
It's a difficult situation though.


Of course, we can all be hopeful for life and love but... what if it doesn't happen?


AND... if Barbara wants to have children, she can't wait too long.


This is the problem facing women. We hope to meet the man of our dreams and have a happy marriage. But you can't control your heart.


Barbara, I wonder whether there's any chance you can sign up for internet dating or speed dating to have a quick look out there...?


Also, if it really makes you feel sad that you will just settle for this guy, and you can't even imagine having sex with him... then maybe you will have big regrets if you do.


OR... if you think that you can become closer to him by having sex, then get it over and done with and see how you feel afterwards!


Not an easy situation to solve...

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TXcowboy 15 yrs ago
err...sorry for not making myself clear with my first intervention:


SHE IS 40.


I hope you guys can put your feet back in planet earth. She is doing the best she can with the cards she was dealt. In fact, she is lucky she is getting married at all.

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Slammy 15 yrs ago
TXcowboy, just because she's 40 doesn't mean her life is over. I know other women in the same situation, who were 40+ and then suddenly met the man of their dreams.


At the same time, yes... 40 is getting old for a woman who's hoping to have children.


To me - her situation has too many negatives - firstly, this guy is not all that into her as well. Secondly, she can't imagine having sex with him!


I think the best option is to have an open and honest talk to the guy: neither of them really love each other, so they could say - hey, let's make a deal. If we can't find anyone within the next one or two years, let's marry each other and try to make that work.


If Barbara really thinks this guy feels the same way that she does - ie. she's not his true love but he's also just marrying a friend - then they should be open to discussing how that would work (ie. affairs in the future, children etc etc).


I don't think you can just say that she's lucky to be getting married at all. As Tigerbay pointed out, it was better to be single than living with the wrong person.

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sicn 15 yrs ago
I agree with slammy. Do some research on how an open marriage work. Talk to him and setup the framework between you two. As long as two of you on the same page...

My point is as long as you are not hurting anyone, you can have any kind of relationship...

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TXcowboy 15 yrs ago
I know we are suppose to be nice and understanding, but I am not cut that way.


1. At 40, if she didn't have kids already she should not have kids at all, SPECIALLY if she is Asian. Asian bodies are slimmer and mostly prettier than western ones, but also come with the handycap of not being as strong. This said, I wouldn't recommend to have kids at 40 to any woman, asian or not.


2. 40yo female, generally speaking (read: I am try to sugar code that in fact, this is 100% of all non-famous star women), have little to no chance to find a quality man. By quality man I mean someone who is genuinely good, somehow wealthy (as we know, money is the way society rewards their best), and somehow attractive. This men will generally go for smart and good girls in their 20s.


So, we have a 40yo woman who doesn't want to be alone. She needs "insurance" so if she loses her job she has someone who will take care of her, and the same goes for him, by the way, so what's wrong with that?


She has one in a million chance to find love at her age, if we understand love by "the real deal" and not by "take a guy and mentally force yourself to love him, trying to find qualities where there are none".


Like I said, I think she should do the best she can with what she has.

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tinyteddy 15 yrs ago
As a first step how about going on a date and kissing him to see what it is like.


Getting married to someone with the advanced plan of having affairs seems like a recipe for disaster and not an especially nice atmospere for a child to grow up, with both parents away rooting their lovers.


But mostly I think the "too shy to talk to someone I really like" attitude needs to be addressed.

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cookie09 15 yrs ago
"Getting married to someone with the advanced plan of having affairs seems like a recipe for disaster and not an especially nice atmospere for a child to grow up, with both parents away rooting their lovers."


what's wrong with this? at least better to be open and honest to each other than lieing behind the back

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TXcowboy 15 yrs ago
cookie, you are totally right, but then again here we are not talking about marriage but about "looking for someone to enter into a contractual agreement to take care of each other".

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balzac 15 yrs ago
I'm commenting based on the hint given that barbara is a traditional chinese/asian woman when it comes to 'finding love'


you should be less passive.


Go out and mingle or network, there is no shame in pursuing love, plan your dating strategy like a general planning for war. No one is going to give you a pat on the back for being a demure spinster who waited for prince charming to drop by.


If you look beyond the pool of peter pan men who only date women 20 years younger while their balding pate and paunch catches up, there are still good men to choose from but you wont find them in a nightclub. Of course luck plays a part.


I know several women in their early 40's who have given birth. They are married to good looking men of the same age. More often than not the men are into second marriages so they know landing a 20 something filly does not necessarily make a happy man.

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babara 15 yrs ago
I am not looking for insurance. My family and myself are wealth enough for me to live for a whole life without work. The politics is you need let people know you have marridge compared with having no marridge.


As to the man, he probably looks for insurance. Love is a sense. Most people are not satisfied with their career or life, but they still live on.Porbably educating my mind to accept this sense as another comfortable sense, giving up to search uncertain and risky love may be a solution.


In my heart, I intend to choose to live this life until I die, or probably I meet someone to have occissional affair is open to my mind is realistic.


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MayC 15 yrs ago
Hi Barbara,


Funny that you should mention this. I was just reading an article on the internet about an author publishing a book that states marrying is better for a person than leading a lonely life. I can't quite remember the title. The book was supported by some and it also came under attack. The author herself is single and in her 40s or 50s? I can't quite remember now. Maybe she's the only one who dares to admit how awful it is to be lonely and going through life alone.


Lots of arranged marriages work eventhough there were no spark at the beginning. Then there are those who were very romantic at the start but who lose that romance further down the road. It really depends on you.. whether you think you will feel more miserable being alone or more miserable marrying a guy you do not feel any "spark" for. You will also need to talk to the guy to find out how he feels. And if you are open to "affairs", how would you feel if he wanted the same as well?


Only you can make that decision and I'll be the first to admit that if I were in your situation, I think I would pick having a companion.

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rainbow1980 15 yrs ago
Barbara, what kind of man you are looking for and you think you will fall in love with ?

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Slammy 15 yrs ago
Yes, I think My Hong Kong has it in a nutshell. It's also the point that I was trying to make. 40 doesn't mean your life is over, but sure - I understand all the considerations you face regarding your age. If you think this friend could wait a year... go out there and try your best to have fun and meet men!


If all fails, you could still marry this friend at 42 and try and have children then.

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tinyteddy 15 yrs ago
Yes it is better to be honest than lie to each other. It is also better to be 30 pounds overweight rather than 40 pounds overweight.

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balzac 15 yrs ago
tinyteddy-lol!

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flashback 15 yrs ago
If you can seriously contemplate a marriage with this man, then I think you ought to give it a chance to get to know him better, and approach him from different perspective to see if there is anything 'new' you can find in him. Do something adventurous and exciting with him, share some intimate details about yourself with him. Encourage him to do the same. These are actually the triggers of falling in love for about 30% of people. It's amazing but true, that we can soften our hearts to someone whom we've been with in dangerous or exciting experiences or who we've spoken to for about 30 mins and revealed intimate things about ourselves to. Research on this actually shows that a high percentage of people who took part in experiments like this with strangers, actually ended up marrying their research 'partner'. Previously, it sounds you've just known this guy from family/friend situations. Shed a different light on yourself and him.


See if you can fall in love with him. If you are thinking of him in this way already, there may be something below the surface that you admire very much, and which you can develop. But make sure you fall in love with him before you marry him, and I don't suggest you talk to him about this stuff, or about contracting a marriage of minds, rather than hearts. Cold and stoney... bound to end in disaster and a sense of the other being a 'second string Charlie' rather than the real thing.


You know, life is better lived with someone you care about. While I am an advocate of the single life in default of finding that zing in someone you find that you can't live without, I know that finding a partner makes life so much better in so many ways. It really is much healthier for you to have a good relationship than a single life... and much better to have a single life than a bad relationship.

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TXcowboy 15 yrs ago
Flashback has a great point, and I would side to it 100% of it wasn't for a tiny detail, a little issue that [deluded] people seem to pay little to not attention: SHE IS 40.


This is harsh I know, and it shouldn't be this way, but there is simply not time to "know each other" or trying to find a "new" him.


Also, I disagree a bit with flashback's advice in the sense of trying to confuse love and admiration or friendship. I think that, while is good to be honest to each other, is WAY BETTER to be honest to oneself.


She is 40 (yes, I will keep barking on that tree) so her pool of proper man is thinning fast. This guy seems to be ok, and if she waits too long he may have second thoughts about it, or maybe he will get a huge salary raise that sends him directly into the 20-30yo hot, nice, and fertile ladies' pool.


Sure, that migth happen after they get married, but at least she will be able to cash on it.


Again, I know what I write is harsh, but I don't mean to be offensive. I am a pragmatic person, and I think the best advice can only be given from a realistic point of view and not those hollywood-prefabricated ideas of women in their 40s finding Mr. Right.


Let me give you another piece of valuable advice: PLAY BY THE NUMBERS. Look around you. Look at other 40yo women. Look at the ones who married recently and look at their husbands. Now, read the following 2 sentences and tell me which one is true:


a) The majority of 40yo women who marry at that age do so to wonderful, healthy and attractive men with great careers.

b) The majority of 40yo women who marry at that age do so to insipid guys, and the only discernible qualities are "he has a job" and "he has more than 30% of his hair".


Don't tell me, I know what is your answer, and I know that no matter how much you want to believe in Peter Pan, he is not coming to give you back your youth.


Do the best you can, and don't waste time.

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flashback 15 yrs ago
Tex darling... you are a mere cub of 35... and dare I say it, you do have some sharp tonsils and an endearing style about you, but take it from this - no I refuse to say 'cougar in the grass' - let me say, woman of some experience, says 40 is not old. Perhaps if she wants to have a child... perhaps if she wants to compete at Wimbledon just one last time... or perhaps if she wants to take up professional gymnastics...she might be... but for love, honey, she ain't never too old...And you know, while some fools rush in and marry the first available man/woman they find and repent at leisure, many people... even some men I know... end up marrying the woman they have seen in their full view. In fact, really, while your anecdotes are amusing, the truth is people tend to marry people they have gotten to know over some time. While I know that some of the girls in this town and a little further North and South are some pretty fast workers, these people in this post, don't appear to be in any hurry.


If he flies.. so what? She can get another one... she's got cash, she's got time, and you know what, I'd say, from what I'm reading here, she probably has a bit of style too. To you youngsters who are in a hurry for life... okay, 40 may seem old, even scary... But it is not. I bet you wouldn't even know a forty year old woman if you saw one. The receptionist at the law firm I go to often is 58, and she looks 35.


Babara... give it a go girl. No need to give up everything to be wed, but loosen up and see what happens.

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TXcowboy 15 yrs ago
Flashback, darling, I like to base my comments on facts, and the facts are clear. I won't repeat myself on that.


Do not misquote me, though. I didn't say that 40 is too old for love. What I say, and I repeat, is a girl in her 20s is far more desirable than a girl in her 40s. I also say that there are plenty of smart and independent (read: can pay her bills) girls in her 20s that could/will make perfect wives.


True, some 40yo women look like 30...until the make-up goes away and the clothes go down. Then is the turkey neck, the crossed feet, the C-section (optional), the strech marks (optional), the bags under the eyes...let's stop here before I cause a massive suicide.


I will go further. Is understood that 40yo women are good for guys who are in a hurry to "get some". Usually young guys that used them as a training ground until the PhD or MBA kicks in and they can afford younger, more desirable models. That a 40yo hook up with a 20yo (forget about the gender) doesn't impress me. What I want to see, however, is whether they end up getting married...


...and you know the answer. Don't tell me about that guy you fell off a clift and survived. Let's talk about the immense majority who die.


Your 58yo receptionist may look 35 to you. It may look "good for her age" to me, but neither me, nor many men, would take her seriously. Would we take that old car for a ride? Maybe we would. Maybe we would even put a couple of hundred miles in that wrinkly odometer, but at the end of the day she is nothing but a passtime before the real wife comes.


Again, is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. On the contrary, I am giving very pragmatic advice so this woman avoids wasting her time with the "wrong guy" and marries the best she can.

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flashback 15 yrs ago
Sorry darling... just can't buy this rubbish about the endearing qualities of the young and giggly over the value of the woman who has been a lasting and true friend. Yes, some young women are delightful, and some older women even more or less so, the point being that you do not seem to know how relationships work at all.


For all your professed mastery of this topic, I do not see why our Babara who has known this man practically all of her life (from her account) now should try to whisk him off to the altar before some nubile nymph does so. Wouldn't tthat have happened long before now if it was going to happen?


It's true that if this pair were meant to be lovers, it ought to probably have happened before now, but it wouldn't be the first situation where people who have known each other for some time decided that they could have a good life together... or even fell in love.


This is not so much about old woman/young woman as about the fact that people do fall in love with those they come to care about.


You know, surprise surprise (for me even), because I am a research-based thinker and not some shoot from the hip cowbody, it is rather true that appearance doesn't really play a factor in love. While it's true that very unattractive people have trouble finding it, what is more a deterrent is personality problems. The majority of people, afterall, are average... hence the term , average... and you know... they do manage to still fall in love.



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tinyteddy 15 yrs ago
TX, you build your houses out of straw, the wind blows them over, then you build another out of straw. Lift your head and look around little piggie, not everyone favors this building style. Some might even choose old bricks.

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Agent787 15 yrs ago
Babara,


Have you had a serious discussion with the guy over this possibility? What does he think about it?


See what he thinks about the proposed arrangement and discuss the various aspects of it and how to make it work for you both with him in a sensible albeit friendly fashion.

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evianjune 15 yrs ago
why get married, - if the baby is the purpose/main purpose.

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evianjune 15 yrs ago
people get married , and divorced, all the time. babies stay. no need to marry someone who you can not afford the idea of spending time with, or without the least attraction, never works. better off alone and free.

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merm 15 yrs ago
Looking around there are lots of unhappy couples, couples who barely spare each other a glance when they eat at the same table, or who argue all the time, people stuck in marriages but have no courage to get a divorce, so is a marriage with no or little love ok? It certainly seems common!


Having been in love for years though i find it hard to accept anything less than love. Plus i really enjoy being in love, having crushes, that sort of thing. My attraction and attachment to love hasn't changed much since i was 16, which is also a blessing i guess, but now i know better how to live with another person.


Though younger is supposedly better, a good mother is measured in many other ways. Many women have their 2nd or 3rd child after turning 40. Besides there are tests you can do when pregnant to see if a baby is healthy or not.


There are some datable divorced men in their 40's here but those who are newly divorced are usually busy with girls half their age. Understandable but funny to see. I get hit on by men much younger too (though I'm not divorced) and at the beginning it felt good not just for the ego but the young are more open and energizing. But when it comes to a partner, i'll definitely go for somebody around my age.

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PupMonkey 15 yrs ago
Maybe you should just stop being so fussy.

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