Posted by
merm
15 yrs ago
A friend i've always quite respected recently asked me to go over to his place for some intimacy. He didn't say sex but i'm not sure what he had in mind. He has a girlfriend and for this alone i have no wish to be intimate with him. I'm not one of those competitive girls who dig attached men and ruin people's lives at all costs.
What was he thinking? Anything smart i could say to him?
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"Find yourself another friend" or "Pop down to Wanchai to satisfy your needs?"
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Firstly, he is clearly out for sex.
Secondly, tell him that you are not interested because he has a girlfriend, but do it in a non-judgmental way because you don't really know anything about his relationship and i don't think you should assume anything. For while we can guess what is going on, it can also be that you are completely wrong and his gf is actually fully in the know (google the term cuckolding as a fetish, in case you don't know what i am referring to).
It's then open to him to clarify his position.
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I can read bitter comments from people who are insecure and/or have been cheated...but absolutely nobody asked the following questions:
Do you like him? Would you like to be intimate with him? Are you fully aware that he has a girlfriend, and you will likely be nothing but a lover? Are you ok with that?
If you answer yes to all these questions, I'd say go for it!
As someone who has been in both sides of the fence (being a very naughty boy and now more of a "serious" guy) I can tell you that, whatever women want to believe (and, quite frankly, I believed that myself for years) MEN DO NOT CHEAT FOR NO REASON.
I spent so many years believing that, as a man, I would jump into anything pretty without realizing that I wouldn't if my needs were covered by just one person that I even feel shame to think about it...
If his girlfriend was giving him everything he needed he wouldn't be looking for you. Believe me. I once dated a woman for years without cheating on her once because she pretty much covered all my needs. Things went south for different reasons but I never feel the need of looking for someone else.
So, his relationship with his girlfriend is doomed, I can pretty much guarantee that, and while IS WRONG that he is planning to cheat, is also her fault that he is looking for someone else. I repeat, is HER FAULT as well.
Just do what you feel like. Don't listen to losers with too much moralism and too little self-worth or willingness to make someone else happy beside themselves. If you think he can make you happy, or you can have a good time, GO FOR IT.
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TX Cowboy: Merm quite clearly pointed out that because he has a girlfriend, she has no wish to be intimate with him.
If she does wish to be intimate with him, then she clearly needs to state that he ditch his girlfriend first.
Merm: if you don't wish to be intimate, then just tell him honestly that you're not interested. You don't have to be mean to him. You just tell him how you feel. I'm sure he's mature enough to handle rejection. It doesn't have to ruin a friendship - although maybe your level of respect for him may be different...
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Slammy...she clearly pointed out that because he has a girlfriend she has no wish to be intimate with him...
...and yet, she is here posting her doubts.
Women 101: What she says, what she feels and what she does are completely different things.
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If he is with somebody, things are likely to get messy.
There is an old saying, "Don't sh!! on your own doorstep".
I agree with TX. Maybe he is just bored, he will easily get bored with you if you play. He is probably not ready to dump his gf either.
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TXcowboy: Actually, I took her post to mean something completely different. I assumed she wrote it because she was facing a predicament in how to turn him down - in a clever, or non-hurtful manner.
She said this was a friend that she respected. So I took it to mean she wanted to say no, but didn't know what was the best way to say that.
I never once assumed that she had doubts about whether to take up the offer.
Women 101 could also very easily apply to Men 101.
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The ONLY way to turn out that offer is simply saying "no".
She was hoping for some sort of "mistaken" insight that would give her carte blanche to be intimate with the guy. Something like "oh, probably he is having trouble with his girlfriend and they are likely to split up" kind of thing...
Women 101...
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Merm, I often wonder after my polite refusal if I could have or should have said anything else too esp if the girlfriend is known to me. Mostly it gives me a sick feeling in my gut that comes back every time I see the guy. I am also left wondering what type of a person he thinks I am and lose a lot of respect for him.
One time I said "If you and your gf are having problems maybe you should talk them over" which was met with a terse 'thank you miss doris day' so I just leave it with a 'no thanks' now.
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By the way, no guy will make such proposal if he didn't think he had a good chance of being accepted.
Watch out for the signals you are sending to him.
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That is an interesting point TX but I think incorrect. Perhaps sometimes it may be a wrong signal, either given or received but there are other reasons too, alcohol a big one. Some other guys seem to have hugely elevated testosterone levels that dictate (HA HA) their life and others just think they are king of the jungle.
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Tinyteddy, I hear you, and I think you are right. Here, however, it seems we are playing with fire. She knows about his girlfriend...I know dumb men, but that dumb?
This is what I think: She is into him and he knows it. She would go with him in a split second if he didn't have a girlfriend, so he is doing some probing...testing the waters...to see whether he can get a side order, if you get my drift.
I bet my life she our writer is a local, and as a local she wants to keep an image of purity. She digs the guy, but she want him all for herself (which is very normal and healthy...who wouldn't?). She knows he is no giving up his girlfriend, but the question she didn't posted here, and maybe she is too afraid to ask to herself is:
"If I play along, if I let him have a taste of my action, would he dump his girlfriend and be with me? Would he become my loyal boyfriend? Would he be my knight in the white armor? Would he....oh my god this is so exciting...marry me?"
TX.
PS: TXCowboy hurts, but you like it.
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Merm, just tell him you are not interested in his Star Wars action figures and his PS3 games collection anymore.
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"PS: TXCowboy hurts, but you like it."
TX, if you can call a spade a spade then I can too. I think many of your posts are BS but it is my hope to enlighten rather than offend. Perhaps your sensitivity is the reason you think all your gfs are nagging.
And yes, men are WAY DUMB sometimes. Perhaps you do not have much experience with being hit on by men. Why don't you head on over to a gay bar for some food for thought. And btw if a guy with a bf hits on you, remember it is either your fault for sending the wrong signals or the bfs fault for not satisfying him enough.
So Merm, are you secretly lusting after this guy as suggested? Or are you disappointed and slightly disgusted with the guy?
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My guess is that Merm would prefer everything to stay the way it was before her friend's suggestion.
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Actually, I think TX Cowbody is spot on. Merm has written her post in a classic sub-text. 'A friend I've always quite respected' = 'A man into whose pants I wish to venture'. Let's face it, who asks someone over for 'intimacy'? Sounds like a case of 'No! No! Oh... Alright then', if you ask me.
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Interesting, how would a non sub-text read? I think she means she used to respect him and didn't think he was a sleazoid.
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it's a funny world where a woman loses respect for a guy because he likes her enough to ask that they be "intimate".
too bad we don't have the whole story here.
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The issue is not that he likes her enough to ask her to be intimate, it is that he wants to put it around behind his gfs back. Some people find that distasteful and lose respect for someone doing that. Myself included.
It's a funny world indeed.
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What a load of chat...
U have no right to break someone else's relationship. Don't do it, but don't sweat about it. Just treat it as a flirtatious comment... Don't mention it to the g/f unless u want to be public enemy no 1.
TX You need to get laid mate.
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A storm in a teacup. Get a life people!
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i would tell him to " f..k off" as i 'd feel offended. in more or less civilised terms depending on the mood.
the first signal i'd receive from such would be disrespect, - who the hell he thinks he is to extend such an invitation especially with such obvious word? Not even like have a cup of tea, or dinner, or stuff. Jesus.
Obviously your respect was wrongly placed, - to the op.
As for assumptions that op has lust for this "disgustingson", leave it to assumption/guessing and that would not change the fact that he is showing you, - the op, his disrespect, regardless you have a thing for him or not.
and respect for some people/women are the first thing/among the first things.
i would make him understand how disgusting he is. And how wrong he is about himself and me. - yeah, " f... off".
disgusted.
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ah finally. i was already waiting for the moralists to post...
thanks evianjune!
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cookie, not problem, yet not even sure i would label myself moralist or otherwise.
do people not need respect? the fact that a guy is in a committed relationship and expect you to sleep with him, with such obvious choice of word. It's just utterly disgusting, to me.
i would think he's insane or something. or escaped from hospital for mental illness
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Well, we didn't hear from Merm again. Whenever the OP fails to respond, it always makes me think it's a fake post.
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"do people not need respect? the fact that a guy is in a committed relationship and expect you to sleep with him, with such obvious choice of word. It's just utterly disgusting, to me"
the point is, you have no clue how their relationship works. in fact all you do it making assumptions on how their relationship works based on your own view on how relationships should work (which is probably based on what you perceive to be 'normal').
point is, you might well be right with your assumptions, because it IS the reality for most relationships. but equally true is the fact that not ALL relationships work like that. hence i feel a moralist approach based on assumptions is the wrong approach.
better to explain to him her reasons for not engaging with him. if they do have an open relationship, then he can explain that and things would be fine without feeling guilty on any side
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What if the author didn't know this male friend has a gf, and she likes him too. and the story behine her male friend is he is going to break up with his gf. Later the author and her male friend become gf and bf... Actually many relationships happen in this way, and they just didn't know the story behind it
Sometimes casual can develop into serious relationship, and serious relationship can be turn into casual. That is the truth but many people refused to admit it.
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If the first question is "are you in an open relationship with your gf?" then the second question must be "and does she know about that?" and third "Do you mind if I ring and check?" Fourth, "When will she be getting a phone?" LOL
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Life is short, sometimes too short to put everything in a rule ...
I have many friends get married with their men. and i knew these guys were having another gf when they dated with their present wives. and now, they don't cheating.
Actually its better to be messy before marriage than after marriage. If there must be a messy period in your life.
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"What if the author didn't know this male friend has a gf, and she likes him too. and the story behine her male friend is he is going to break up with his gf. Later the author and her male friend become gf and bf... Actually many relationships happen in this way, and they just didn't know the story behind it"
Many relationships happen this way? Where, in the movies?
How about this: If he cheats on his girlfriend to be with me, is very likely that he will cheat on me to be with the next one...
...pragmatism, I think they call it...
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Many relationships happen this way, in our real life...
As i said, people don't know it only because they didn't know the behide stories.
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there was something important I wanted to say but can't quite think what it was, oh yes..sometimes I drop my toast on the floor, brush it off then eat it anyway.
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Maybe will depends on which side is on the floor, with butter or without ?
So still depends on the girl, what relationship you expect from your male friend?
Still good friend? DO not go.
Potential serious relationship? Go but don't have sex now
something casual? whatever ...
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merm
15 yrs ago
I was a little reluctant to continue posting with more details after seeing my original post had been entirely copied and pasted. Cookie, do you mind removing my entire post from yours? Thanks.
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merm
15 yrs ago
I respected this friend so much that for me he was not a guy but a man, till this.
I like being desired but i don't like to share with another girl.
But i think he was quite stupid to propose this if he was interested in something serious with me as i'd live with the doubt that he could be asking other girls to be intimate behind my back.
I wasn't sure he had a gf till his proposal. I asked him and he told me about her. I've asked him to add each other on a networking site a few times and he's said no even though we've known each other for years. So i had my doubts.
He did express dissatisfaction with his sex life. But who i am to help him with that? I'm not his or anyone's sex toy. How i despise those. You go on a boat trip and there are always a few of those who never have anything bigger than the boat to say.
I posted a little out of boredom but i was also looking for advice -- i'd like to teach him a lesson.... but he's also a friend. I also wanted to be able to look at this from different angles. So thanks for the comments so far.
cowboy, no offence but i think you've surrounded yourself too much with those chinese women who think one thing, say another and do yet another and just want to get married. I'm not the most rational person on earth, but when i've got the time, i do step back to look at the bigger picture and often this leads to moments of confusion/enlightenment. I'm basically a straightforward person. You've been imaginative but you haven't hurt me. I like comedy. In fact i wouldn't be surprised if you were employed by this site.
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You were offended at being quoted? Really? I mean really, really? I don't say this a lot, but honey you need to get laid. Yes really. Even with a married guy. Just Go. Now. And don't come back for 3 or 4 days.
.....new theory emerging in my head about friend's offer actually being public service
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So I was right in my assumption that Merm wanted a clever way to turn down his offer.
Sometimes people look for hidden meanings and innuendo that just aren't there.
Merm, I'm very much like you, and I would certainly have less respect for a friend who tried to court me while cheating on his girlfriend. This doesn't mean, as people have suggested, that you need to "get laid".
I don't think you can teach him a lesson though. All you can say is be honest with him and tell him you're disappointed in him because you thought differently about him. Although I doubt he would care too much about this opinion - he was quite happy to lay all the details out to you, so he's probably happy to accept the consequences of what you might now think of him.
So just forget it! He's now a friend who may be a little less respected, but so what?
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No, Merm likes this man, (if he doesn't have gf, she would like to develop a serious relationship with him), but she doesn't like it begin with this way... Yes, this man is stupid to propose this to a girl who respect him very much. but hey, Merm, every people becomes stupid at some situation, you can still respect him, and i can tell you the relationship he and his gf won't last long ... For the meeting, you can still go and talk to him like a close friend, but don't have s*x now (if he rape you, you can call police, right ? ;) come on, you won't ruin any one's life, their relationship already dead (if the s*x is not good). you safe their lives.
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No, she shouldn't go to the meeting. The guy called her for intimacy. He doesn't want a lecture from someone, nor relationship advice. So if Merm can't give him what he wants, what's the point of her going to the meeting?
And if you say the point is that Merm likes the guy so maybe something can develop... well, that's unlikely too. If the guy was serious about Merm, he wouldn't have risked approaching her in such a way, and then honestly told her about his gf, and then still ask for intimacy.
A meeting will lead nowhere... unless Merm wants some "hanky panky" (now there's a word you guys probably don't know! hahaha)
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Not all serious relationship begin with a serious propose...
Again his relationship is dead, if she doesn't go, someone else who go to the meeting will take the place of his gf later. and Merm is the one always stand in distance and respect him as a friend.
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That's why I suggested she might "purposefully misunderstand" him as another way of saying to her frd "Let's pretend you didn't say that". If her frd came back to her later with an apology, she can tell him "I know that wasn't you, it was just the boredom/depression/bad day at work etc talking....."
I think Merm really wants to keep this friend and also continue to treat him as before.
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"If the guy was serious about Merm, he wouldn't have risked approaching her in such a way, and then honestly told her about his gf, and then still ask for intimacy."
I totally agree with you, Slammy. It goes to show how much respect he has for you.
You should not go.
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Merm,just say,"Thanks ,but No thanks".Keep it short and simple.Dont offer any explainations or excuses.That way it doesn't become so awkward to a point that you will cut the friendship.Who knows,maybe in the future he does become single and truely available.....
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cookie: though i would not label people "moralist" or otherwise, i would not feel guilty myslef to have a sense of morality and a degree of moral, and superior to those who don't. Most definitely.
and i demand to be respected and respect people who respect themselves.
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