Posted by
seren
15 yrs ago
How would you feel and what would you think if your boyfrind was approached by his ex girlfrind to donate his sperm to impregnate her? Her biological clock is ticking and she feels she's running out of time and he is healthy and handsome......
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tough call. this can create a lot of hassles. especially if you are in the same city. it is not likely that he donates just his sperm, after that what's next? and then what about raising the child and other possible financial responsibilities, regardless of what you think now, or he thinks, things will change, this will forever be in your life. will this affect your own plans to marry, have a family and all that?
i was once in the same position (donor). i ended up turning it down as my then GF and I decided it would drastically change the dynamics of our own relationship. had i been single or perhaps living in a different country i would likely have gone through with it, with the blessing of my GF.
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If I were a woman, and an ex did this I'd be outraged. As a man, it's a big compliment but will undoubtedly lead to problems further down the line. What nationality is your boyfriend. If he is an EU citizen, the ex may have some claim on his income so it would be best to check with lawyers to see what his obligations are.
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seren
15 yrs ago
Both are Australian so no manipulation with nationality, visa or status. It's at discussion stage but my feeling is outright NO. He is wanting discussion. Sees it as a gift and is confident enough to think it will not affect the current situation. I totally disagree and can see major issues arising. I am being told I am selfish for not considering it at all especially as I am a mother with children from a previous marriage. I think this makes me a better judge of what a person feels when they actually have a child. I cannot see how it can ever be a business transaction when the couple have been in a relationship before and have a mutual respect and love for each other.
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It's probably more to do with the obligation than the status. I mean, once he has a child, regardless of how it is conceived, it is still his child. That means he may have to foot the bill. Not sure how the current Australian law stands regarding this. The fact that they have been in a previous relationship could complicate matters and even break new legal ground (I'm not a lawyer by the way, just speculating). This is classic Ally McBeal stuff.
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That surely has to be a big fat NO.
No matter how he feels about "helping her out" and how she feels about "won't be coming back to bother you" it just is so unlikely to remain that way.
It must have more pitfalls than buying a car off a friend - which we all know NEVER WORKS!
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seren, Tell you bf buy a quality sperm in a sperm bank and send to his ex-, and tell her its his.
His ex is tring to ruin your relationship, and if he follow what she said, i don't think he is taking you very serious.
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Rainbow- how on earth will that solve the problem? If the ex gets pregnant and thinks the child is the b/f's, then the problems will persist.
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So what? the problem is created by herself .
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it would be safer if he had an affair with no offspring. Having a child is going to create a bond, and a common / shared thing between this person outside your marriage and your husband. she will be coming back to bother you, no matter what anyone says.
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She decided to be a single mother, she has to be prepared for all the responsbility. As a friend, you and your bf can still help her sometimes, but since the sperm is sent from sperm bank, so she can not threaten you guys at any time of her life. She can come back, but what she can do ?
The only thing is the initial purpose is not right, if she need a healthy and handsome sperm, she can simply get it from sperm bank instead of ex bf who already has a gf.
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To me... the issue is that Seren's bf says she is being selfish and is not taking into consideration her feelings on the matter.
As in any relationship, shouldn't there be agreement on both sides over issues of great importance? It doesn't matter whether the issue is donating sperm, or destroying love letters from a previous relationship, or some other matter entirely.
If her boyfriend respects and loves her, he should definately take into account Seren's feelings on the matter.
Of course, the fact that this is sperm donation makes it an even more "important" matter, as there will be longterm repercussions - such as the child looking for its father later down the track.
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seren
15 yrs ago
I have read these with interest as I realy didn't know where people would stand on this. I really had a big fat NO too. I still do, however really felt that I should at least try and look at it from someone elses perspective. I do think that he is naive. It is likely that we won't have children together ourselves so this would probably be his only child. He is not particularly fatherly and doesn't have any aspirations to be a 'dad' anytime soon. Obviously discussions are continuing and a decision would depend on me IF he was to do this. He's not necessarily convinced it is a good idea either...however in theory he does feel it's an ok thing to do. I can't see my stance changing because of the huge emotional ties and investment that would be had. I agree there are other places to get sperm which are less complicated AND if her thinking is that if he was to have nothing to do with the child then HIS sperm is pointless....banks and other less emotionally linked friends would surely be a better option. I guess I wanted to explore the opinions of others so I knew I wasn't acting 'selfishly' or 'unusually closed' to the idea but in fact most people would have the same opinion as me....?? I think the implications are massive.
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Big NO.
There is a reason why sperm donations are anonymous.
Seren
Your bf saying you are being selfish because you have kids already is not rational. You are not denying her the right to have kids, as she can go to a sperm bank.
What it may imply is that bf also wants a child. If this is the case, then having one with ex gf is a big no, as he will then want a relationship with the child. This may not be the case, but it needs to be added to considerations to discuss.
As you say, the implications are massive.
The balance of risk (that it won't affect your relationship) is just too high. He is being very naieve.
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If he wants a baby why don't you have one with him.
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Seren - you are absolutely not being selfish. It's a huge decision with huge implications.
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Why does it have to be his sperm? There are billions of the little devils swimming around just waiting for something to happen and she has to choose his.
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seren
15 yrs ago
I am not defending anyone here and am really taking this on board with interest. It's not about whether I or he wants a baby. I think that is a seperate issue. He believes (and I think naively) that donating his sperm is all it is. I agree that it is not anonymous and the old connection is too intimate and close. However I was wondering if anyone has experienced something like this. Even if the ex doesn't intend to continue with a relationship with my bf there will always be a bond. It is HUGE I think. It is a 'forever' link and that makes me uncomfortable. A baby is for life not just for Christmas! It If it is only a heakthy pserm she wants then surely sperm banks can ensure that?
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I would say "no" as well.
Think about it. She's single and she's getting on with age. If she has his child, she becomes more unlikely to find a partner. Who do you think she'll ask for help then? And who do you think will be obligated to help if it is his own flesh and blood?
Anyways, I believe over here they want to see your marriage certificate before they do any kind of artificial insemination.
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Yes Gemma has hit on something.
Beware the DIY turkey baster scenario.
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Think about it. Why should the taxpayer be obliged to help out when the father is alive and working? With a sperm bank she doesn't know who the father is but if it's an ex, she can say he's the father. Also, she could always say that he sired the child through normal sexual contact. It's more believable than saying he donated it. Beware.
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