Posted by
ami2010
15 yrs ago
My husband had STD in 2006 after screwing a whore in Wanchai. I found out in his health report as it included a formed filled in by himself. We have a 18 years marriage and one child. He claimed he only did it once in our marriage and was unlucky to get syphilis. He said he went to the doctor and sorted it all out before we had sex again. Obviously I didn't get it otherwise I would have known. I trusted him and would never have dreamed he would become such a filthy animal. I feel betrayed, angry and frustrated. I cannot cry at home because I can't tell my child or even my own family. I can't cry at work cos I need to get on with things. All I do is to weep in silence. He apologised but what is the worth of a single word said 4 years too late. It is so shameful and disgusting. It is killing me. I need to sort out what to do.
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I'm sorry to hear this, I can only imagine your anger, frustration and complete sense of betrayal.
I think this matter is something that should be dealt with by a professional. I can't personally recommend any services, but someone else on this forum once mentioned:
http://www.healthierrelationships.com/articles.php?id=4
As I said I can't vouch for this therapist, but you definitely should talk to someone. It will tear you apart if you can't work through your emotions. Once you have done that, you will be able to think more clearly, and make decisions about what you are going to do next.
Good luck and take care.
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support hellokitty there. in addition, don't make any rush decisions
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Terrible situation, especially as he didn't tell you and only confessed when you found out. I doubt this only "happened once". Probably what only happened once was him catching syphilis but it's likely he's visited whores more than once.
You need to find time to discuss this with both a therapist and your husband. You can't just suffer in silence. I hope your husband is doing the decent thing now and showing remorse and an effort to patch things up, and not just going about as if everything is okay.
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slammy, how can you conclude from the information given that he probably did it more than once???
frankly if he did it once and got syphillis, he might have been scared enough to never do it again
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It's a shame you found out but there's no use crying over spilled milk. Has he been a good husband over the past few years? If so, perhaps you should let it go. If most people knew what their partners really got up, there would be blood on the streets.
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I agree with cookie, hello kitty and LGMV. It's hard dealing with the hurt and betrayal, and I hope your husband is showing remorse and supporting you through this difficult time.
! thing though, it would be wise to also get checked. Most people do not know they have syphillis until years later and too late. The first, common and visible symptom would be a pimple in the genital area. Not something most people would think more of.
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Cheating is the one thing I find completely unacceptable. I have told my husband that if he ever cheats on me...that is it. I would be done with him. I could never trust anyone who betrayed me like that.
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That's fine 'Prone_to_wander' if you can enforce your view - which is a perfectly natural thing to do. However, your husband is hard-wired to sleep around so you may be setting yourself up for a fall later. Cheating is a betrayal but its evolutionary credentials are impeccable.
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As LGMV says....if people knew what their partners really got up, there would be blood on the streets. Frightening and unbelievable but SO TRUE!
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Wow. Reach for the stars you guys. What other ignorant stereotypes do you think you can spew next?
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Prone_to_wander. I don't think a man sleeping with more than one woman is an ignorant stereotype - just as I don't think a women who marries a man for money and security is one; or a woman who cheats on her husband because she feels unloved. It's all part and parcel of life, I'm afraid, like tuberculosis and syphyllis. Yes, the temptations for the average male expat are higher in Hong Kong than they are Alaska so not surprisingly quite a few stray - simple statistics. The amount of cheating correlates with the environment. If HK introduced public castration for male adulterers then I'm sure most husbands would run home to their wives. Ami2010, I wouldn't think your husband is that great an exception to the rule. The difference is he got caught.
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you might say "The difference is he was pretty careless and got caught"
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Ami2010, before you call your husband an animal, you should look in the mirror, and ask yourself why he did this. Most men stray because their wife is not meeting their needs.
If you ever want to deal with this then rather than focusing on your feelings, you need to understand the dynamics of your marriage. ( Your tone suggests you are self absorbed. )
Like the majority of posters, I would advise you to not be hasty and do anything you may regret later. I've met a lot of lonely, bitter and twisted people (of both sexes) who decided the world should live according to their principles.
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CaptDave, that's a bit harsh.
As are a few of these posts, really.
This person has posted here in what appears to be a traumatic time for her. Clearly she cannot talk to family, friends or colleagues, so she has turned here for some sort of guidance.
A character assassination of the OP, or apathy about the situation, or even support for the husband is pretty callous.
I think if you want to, start a threat about such a topic; don't do it on the tail of someone's heartbreak.
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CaptDave - nasty pastie! Bugger off!
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Thanks for the kind words everyone. First time or habitual? It must have been habitual, I don't see him hitting the jackpot or mark6 with one strike. I don't believe he did it once, drunk, condom slipped and got STD. What I do think is that the STD scared the hell out of him and he probably stopped in 2006 but the few years prior to that I'm almost certain it was habitual. One just does not go out and catch STD so easily. The thing is, he stopped for the wrong reason, he stopped because of his own health concern rather than out of guilt or remorse.
With hindsight I now realize why in the last few years he was so concerned about getting his annual check done. Early last year there was occult blood in his pee. I thought he was over-reacting then but now knowing his STD history, he was probably scared that there was something else or the bacteria not cleared. I got him all checked in a hospital but I was so trusting that I never demand to see the reports. I feel so dirty to be associated with him. I have been to the doctor myself this week and will have all my checks all done just to feel clean.
Yes I found out. The report came by post and I read the report in front of him. He did not know that the health form that he filled in was also in the report. He ticked the sexual disease box and I saw the year and the diagnosis in the dr's hand-writing. He claimed he hid it from me because he was sure we would have had a divorce had he told me then.
What hit me deepest is all the lies from him. I've always asked him whether he had another woman, shagged a whore or been flirting around... and I made him swear in bed. Of course he swore he never did any of these. I was so naive to believe him and so stupid. I feel utterly betrayed.
Men who find their wives not meeting their needs do not go out shagging whores and lowering themselves. They try to talk things out with their wives and resolve in a constructive way. As for looking at the mirror, I make heads turn and am pretty confident that this is not an issue. I am financially secured and not living on him.
Counselling is an option. It is going to be long term and I don't want to spend too much on it because I may need some reserves to sort out the divorce at a later date. I am quite sure that there is no way that I can forgive and totally forget. Forgive perhaps after a long time, but how can one forget these things, especially in bed? When I see him now, I see him with his whore and cheating on me in a dirty alley in Wanchai. It is going to be very very difficult to have our usual family life back. We have agreed that it is not something we should tell our child. He shows some remorse but the damage is done and it is irreversible. One just doesn't go out and make these mistakes and expect to be forgiven because the damage is so extensive.
I really regret having him in my life altogether. He is a bastard and will always remain one. Right now, I just hate him but deep down I still want to protect his honour because at least I am not telling our relatives and friends about what kind ofsh*t he actually is.
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can still see a lot of anger and irrational thoughts there. i suggest a cooling off period or counseling or something.
on a separate note:
" I've always asked him whether he had another woman, shagged a whore or been flirting around... and I made him swear in bed.
Men who find their wives not meeting their needs do not go out shagging whores and lowering themselves. They try to talk things out with their wives and resolve in a constructive way."
women who make a man swear in bed are usually not the ones who are very receptive to constructive talk...
my guess on him is that he knew it would be a deal breaker to cheat even once, so when we did it - rightly or wrongly - he chose to hide it rather to confess and get the deal breaker rolling.
now the truth has caught up and he knows the consequences.
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In constrast to cookie09's views right above, I sense from ami2010's lastest post that she now is pretty sensible, is clear of her own feelings and the whole picture, as well as what's she's going to do with this marriage. I believe whatever her decision is will be reasonable and not far off the track. Support you!
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"What hit me deepest is all the lies from him. I've always asked him whether he had another woman, shagged a whore or been flirting around... and I made him swear in bed. Of course he swore he never did any of these. I was so naive to believe him and so stupid. I feel utterly betrayed."
If your husband said yes to your queries then, would you react differently because he was being honest? Would you have had it in you then to forgive?
While it is true that there are some people that stray simply because they can, a lot of times both men and women stray because there is something lacking in the relationship. There are several reasons/excuses--work, fatigue, kids, lack of desire etc. But when one partner is denied several times, does the other partner truly expect his/her partner to wait and wait and wait until he/she is willing to give? Sometimes it's just sex, sometimes it's having someone there when you need to talk or just to be there for them.
I believe that it takes two to tango. Sometimes we think, if he/she loves me he/she would never do anything to hurt me. We forget they are only human and more often than not, think we have done nothing to deserve what has been done to us. Sometimes that is true, sometimes not. If we see and feel remorse is real, love makes it possible to forgive, but not forget. I believe everyone makes mistakes so everyone deserves a second chance, but that's just my opinion.
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Cheating itself may be forgivable (unless it is a repeated offence), but the subsequent lying about it is not. It is beyond selfishness and shows the cheater's serious lack of fundamentally important characters that are worthy of any respect.
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Ami2010. I agree with what you say except the following: "Men who find their wives not meeting their needs do not go out shagging whores and lowering themselves. They try to talk things out with their wives and resolve in a constructive way." That's a female fantasy I'm afraid; straight off Oprah. Most men will never talk things through, they basically 'wing it' and deal with problems as they come up. If he hasn't done anything since 2006 then maybe you are onto a good thing. Honestly. Probably over 80% of men when faced with the option of sexual gratification will take it - especially if it is 'no strings attached'. And 'no strings attached' is why married men turn to prostitutes. That, and the chance of multiple partners. Think it through; they don't want some love-struck bunny boiler turning up at their home. So what are their options? Divorce is messy.
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Paenme. I disagree. Going around telling the truth causes untold damage and difficulty. If you don't believe me, give a shot at the office. Tell everyone to their face what you really think of them. He lied because it was the sensible thing to do under the circumstances. Men are designed to sleep around, I'm afraid. If they can't do it openly because of family commitments, they often seek an alternative route.
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LGMV, reminds me of an experiment our secondary class teacher did with us back at the beginning of our last year at the school. we had a very bad atmospehere going on both between girls and boys and in-between boys and in-between girls.
the class teacher decided to bring it all out into the open and asked everyone to openly write down what they think of everyone else. amazingly his convincing skills were good and everyone really put everything on paper.
the result however was less nice: rather than clearing up the air and re-adjusting all relationships for good (and moral honesty), we had a blood bath and a terrible last year. once all the hidden thoughts were in the open, the fighting was also in the open with open bullying, deceit, and angry situations all around.
so much for the honest moral highground approach...
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A bit like Robert Burns' "Oh to see ourselves as others see us." If that's the right quote.
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Honesty is over-rated.
ami2010 didn't deserve what she got, but then unfortunately it happens to some people. ami2010 lives in a fantasy world expecting her husband to always tell the truth to her especially when she wasn't fulfulling her role as her wife and giving him sex. I find it highly unlikely he would regularly seek the services of whores especially if his wife that "make heads turn", was actually servicing his needs as and when he desired.
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Or can some men actually be greedy and never satisfied with what they've got.
There's also a saying, "What goes around comes around". A man only has to say, "I was divorced because I was unfaithful" for many decent girls to run a mile.
Ami's husband only stopped because he contracted STD. Not only did he cheat on her but he continued to deceive her and put her life in danger by not telling her about his STD. He was selfish by not considering her feelings prior to the act and after. Why should she stay? And why should she risk contracting STD (by staying with him) from a man who got it because he betrayed her?
It's not about "ami doesn't dserve what she got but unfortunately it happens to some people". It shouldn't be played down. He is a selfish pr*ck who destroyed their family.
Maybe I live in lala-land but cheaters, continue your cheating and it's only a matter of time before you end up a LONELY and SAD old man who will not be pitied by anyone, not even your own children.
Ami, you do not need to keep quiet to protect his dignity. He obviously didn't consider your best interests. However, given your current state, I would suggest counselling as well so that you can at least work through your feelings and work out what you need to do.
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ami2010. The trouble is if you leave him, the replacement guy may also have some problems. The list is endless. Gambling, drugs, alcohol, violence, train spotter, wearing white socks with a suit. If your husband has been good for the past few years and he spends his time at home, then maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt for one last time. I don't think it's necessarily ami2010's fault that her husband visited prostitutes; it's probably that he has large sex drive and finds different types of women attractive.
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Is that guy with white socks still available? Ha ha. But good advice LG. And agree it is not necessarily ami2010's fault, probably not even remotely her fault. Men cheat for all different reasons. In HK I see greed, arrogance, alcohol and for the geek the opportunity to be the stud they never were - even if they have to pay for it.
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The respondents to this advice forum seem to fall (broadly) into 2 camps -
(1) Husband is irredeemably bad, it's not her fault, she should find a better man.
(2) Husband strayed, but better the devil you know; she should give him another chance
This is an advice forum. Ami has bared her soul to us, I think we owe her some honest advice.
Fact is that anyone who has been around a while knows that relationship problems are rarely all one person's fault. There is normally right and wrong on both sides, and plenty of blame to go around. In point of fact, anyone who maintains they are innocent and were wronged is normally either lying, or blind to their own faults.
I would advise counseling to work thru whatever issues they have, and help her to express her anger/disappointment.
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Chyna Doll, If the poster follows your advice, what makes you think she will find a better man the next time (assuming that is her intention)?
Few people grow without counselling. It's very likely she will repeat the same behavior patterns in her next relationship and will garner the same outcome.
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I agree with CaptDave's reasoning.
ami2010, I think you should give your husband (if he is really sorry) and yourself another chance to save this marriage as there is a child involved. I know it's hard as I had been there myself. It took me a long time to forgive but one could never forget so there's always a dirty mark in the marriage but that's the way it is.
Jokingly our's was the 7th year's itch thing and we had 2 children then and that was the main reason I hesitated in leaving my husband. He was also so very remorseful and that make me more angry as I didn't understand why he could have done such a thing to hurt his own family. If I were on my own, I would definitely leave him no matter what, even when he knelt to apologize.
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GemmaW, do you really expect a man to actually say to a new lady "I was divorced because I was unfaithful" ?
Such wishful thinking. Again, the whole honesty is the best policy issue.
And then you say "He is a selfish pr*ck who destroyed their family." The family's not destroyed yet. The OP has that choice put upon her. If she divorces then the family would be destroyed. She will be the one who pulls the plug. The husband is willing to stay on to work it though. Again, if the OP does as you suggest and tells everyone about this, then she again will be destroying her own family motivated by revenge. It is really a poor relationship strategy.
The better options are to be constructive rather than destructive. Telling the truth at all times as some posters have suggested can be destructive. Getting a divorce is destructive and really is just a cop out. Blabbing your personal troubles to everyone is always destructive to the relationship.
Don't put false suggestions onto the OP. It may be her fault (if one is looking for fault). To say that she is completely faultless in this situation is incredulous.
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Thanks everyone for your support.
I have had time to burst out, calm down, think and rethink. My husband is remorseful. He said the only reason he hadn't told me in the last 4 years was not to hurt me because he knew how bad the news would have hit me. He said that the whore visit was the first and the last in his life. He said he regretted it the moment he did it and that was why the condom slipped and he didn't finish his business. It apparently took minutes and he did it at about 10pm after many drinks at Old China Hand in Wanchai. He said there are Filippino whores everywhere in Wanchai, the majority of them are not helpers but come here on tourist visas, conduct their business for 2 weeks and bugger off. His whore was one of those. He paid 400 for the service and the hourly room charges at the so called hotel. He went to the doctor the following day because the condom slipped not the symtoms of syphilis and had everything checked through.
As for why he did it, stressed out, wanted to give it a try, never done it, the kid and I were travelling then... There are a lot of inconsistencies in his answers. I can't put much weight on them anyway because he has been a seasoned liar in the past 4 years. But the more I dwell on them the more I am upset and disappointed.
This week, he has been taking me away from the house at night so that I can cry openly and we can talk things through. I wake up every morning hoping that it was just a nightmare that would go away but its not the case. He said the same thing.
I know I should be very very upset about the whole thing. I probably broke the guiness record because my father is a cheater (now a divorcee and loner), my 3 married brothers all cheat behind the backs of their wives and now I got a husband that cheats too. That was what I told him recently and how disappointed I am with him. He knew about what my brothers did and he had told me in the past how sorry he felt for their wives. Now he did it himself.
But I can't carry on thinking about the past because it is not taking me anywhere. I have decided to assess how likely he will do it again in the future. I think the STD probably scared the hell out of him, the likelihood of me and our child leaving him will tear him apart, the life as a lonely old man infested with decease living on foreign soil is probably an image that puts him off. More importantly, I think he still loves me. He said even if I decide to divorce him because of what he's done, he would still look after me, think of me and worry about me all the time, and missing me around all the time.
I think the whole thing could have been worse, much much worse. It could have been another woman that he has a feeling for. It could have been AIDS and not syphilis that he has inadvertently spread to everyone in the family. It could have been a change of heart, turning his back on me and our child..... so even though I am upset about the whole thing, I secretly feel that god has been looking after us somehow.
I know there is only so much weight to put on what he said to me. I know there will be a scar in our relationship going forward. But I instinctively feel that I should give him another chance, not only for the sake of our kid but for repairing a damaged but longstanding relationship that has taken years to nurture and been through a lot. If we separate now, I know there will be a big hole in my life, like losing a very very good friend who knows my everything - the way I think, the way I talk and do things, my eating habit, the way I see things, my family, even my toilet routine! I honestly don't think I can find a man that understands me better than my husband (not that I would go and find one if we decide to part now) and I don't want to invest another 18 years to find out.
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