Hi Everyone,
I really need some really good advice, pease. I am writing to ask for second opinions on when to seek a divorce. Now or later?
Has anyone gone through divorce & wished they had delayed it a bit?
......I have just found out that my husband of 5.5yrs (& dating 5+yrs before this as well) has been having an affair for 2 years.
My husband does not know that I know - I have seen the emails.... The planned trips with her whilst I thought he was on business trips. And no, the reason why I saw the email flow was not because I was snooping - the first email was right there on the screen when I went to use the laptop & then yes, after seeing that one, I off course dug in to the past send box! Anyway, after getting over the shock of it all and seeing her photo!! I can tell from what I have seen that he really is smitten by this other woman, a work colleague, even after two years of being with her. So I know there is no point to try to save the relationship.
And me being 33 going on 34, and wanting a family, I know this next 4yrs is my last chance to find a a true loving and lasting relationship on which to build a family, so sadly, I really do not want to waste more time to hold on to this relationship neither.
Luckily there are no kids involved - even though the outrageous thing is we/he was trying with me as he is older than me & said he wants me pregant too. I thank my lucky stars that I have not fell pregnant or caught a disease despite his stupidity.
In any case, should I delay the divorce by not putting in the petition now? For two reasons - emotional and financial.
One, so that I can continue the marriage while I start trying to get back on my feet again & familiarise myself with the dating seen again..... after 10yrs off the market? ......I really don't think I can handle images of them conspiring as a couple as soon as I tell him I want a divorce, and then the divorce matters all starting straight away ....I have no family or friends to turn to, so the only things that will offer a base of emotional support will be myself or some male company.....be it male friends or boyfriend. So I think I need a bit of quiet calm time first....BTW, I don't think it will make any difference to my 'husband' if he was to find out I was seeing someone else...given he is off with the fairies as far as I am concerned. And no I do not want him back.
The second reason I want to delay the divorce process/letting my husband straight away know that I want a divorce is that essentially, the longer I stay in the marriage (I am thinking for about only another year from today) before telling him that I know of the affair and therefore will petition for a divorce, is that there is a better financial payout.....
I guess my worry is that I have seen the other brutal side of a split where one parent has been left with inadequate finances - life is not very dignate when you have not got a roof over your head and one is battling constant financial pressure versus an adequate settlement/foundation to get on with your life. As if the stress and the knock to ones mental and physical health is not enough already of saying good bye to a 10+yr relationship, I do not want to worry about financially having to start over as well. Especially as he has the means (financially) for a reasonable amount of settlement - he saves HK$60k a month. So we are not swimming in it like a mega rich family, but I just want to be able to ensure I have a roof over my head. Another year delay in divorce means about another $300k to an apartment for me.
I currently do not have a job so it makes a world of difference. I left a job from another country in order to be with him so, no I did not just sit like a wall flower during our relationship. I have also taken a year at a time off without pay to spend with him before so it has not always been a distance or money thing.
In any case, I do not want to seek 50% of anything off him. If I did, my life would be very financially comfortable/adequate because he also has another couple of apartments..... I just want a payout of $3M for a place for myself to stay in.... so pls be practical with your divorce handling advice and do not go on about me being money grubbing, please.
I was just hoping for some practical insight/comment or advice on the timing of letting him know that I want a divorce.....should I delay it for a year?
In this time, I can look for a job, start to date if it suits, get over things & start the process of establishing a life untangled with his. And I currently worry that I do not want everything hitting me at once in the next 3-6mths as this is only new news to me as well.
Am I doing the right thing by waiting it out for a little while for a divorce? .....I do not think I am too emotionally distraught over this discovery of his affair....... I guess it is what it is. Apart from this, he has been a very enjoyable husband to be with in all this time - many happy times for me, hence why I think I can stick it out for another year...... The other woman is 3 hours away from HK so if they are together it will be away from my eyes, thank goodness.....As for phone calls between them, I actually do not understand Chinese except a little so it is like I do not have it in my face.....hence also explains why I never realised earlier about the two of them.
I just need some stability and security to move on.....Pls share your thoughts. Divorce asap or wait one more year?
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Only you will know if staying another year would be feasible or not, if you would be able to live with him another year.
It would be the most practical thing to do as you have explained and it would give you the time and resources you need to work on starting life anew.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
If your husband's affair doesn't distraught you emotionally so much, why bother with a divorce? You two have fallen out of love and being together seems to be more of a habbit than choice even beofore the discovery of the affair.
It would be interesting to see how it would turn out if you are planning to do the exact same thing as your husband does to you. Do you think he would really take it as cool as you if he find out about it? How about he is more calculated than you if he knows you know? My personal opinion, better not play games with the person you sleep with at night.
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First at all, I have carefully read your long but well crafted post. Here are some of my thoughts:
1. "......I have just found out that my husband of 5.5yrs (& dating 5+yrs before this as well) has been having an affair for 2 years."
This afair is the one you have found. Cheating is a crowed business, and I seldom meet people who cheated just once.
2. "My husband does not know that I know"
Kudos to you on not getting all emotional and start with the tamtrums. This says a lot about your smarts. Good job!
3. "So I know there is no point to try to save the relationship."
Once again, a great display of maturity!
4. " I really do not want to waste more time to hold on to this relationship neither"
I begin not to understand why you seek advice. You are clearly a pragmatic and balanced individual. Yes, you are 33, which put you on the edge not only for the baby market, but for the "finding a proper husband" one. Kudos once more for knowing this already.
5. "the only things that will offer a base of emotional support will be myself or some male company.....be it male friends or boyfriend"
You have done good so far, but here is where you need the help of your favorite Cowboy. A) There are no such thing as a male friend when you are in the middle of a divorce and vulnerable...but if "male friend" is sugar-code for "lover", I guess you can do for it. B) Emotional support comes from within. If you can not be on your [emotional] feet alone, you won't be able to make it. DO NOT rely on others for emotional comfort. Knowing that you are doing the right thing should suffice.
6. "there is a better financial payout"
Guys, I hope you hear this one! Anyways, yes you are right, but there is a flip side to that coin. The longer you wait, the older = less desirable. In fact, no amount of money will cover the turkey neck or the crossed feet that you should already start experiencing...you have been married for 5 years, there is little difference to divorce after 6. I would only recommend your strategy if we were talking about 10 years and you were married in California, as in that case the alimony will be for the rest of your life.
7. "I just want a payout of $3M for a place for myself to stay in.... so pls be practical with your divorce handling advice and do not go on about me being money grubbing, please."
Do you mean USD$3M or HK$3M? I do not know the details of your financial situation, but I will assume that if he can save HK$60K he is moderately ok...lower middle class I'd say. Considering that, a USD$3M payout should not be a big problem for him. Then again I am sure he will have his own lawyer and they will do the math.
I'd recommend you to seek legal advice first. Do your math and go for it. What I can promise you is that one year won't make any difference financially, but one year of aging will definitely damage you further at a personal level.
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Wow, thank you for all your advice and wisdom.
MIKE204
Thank you for letting me know if you agree or if I was missing something practical/logical or just being a dumbass.....
TXCOWBOY
Yes, HKD $3M not USD...hence why I was thinking an additional HK$300k makes quite a difference.... HK$2.5M house is borderline livable, whereas a HK$3M-$3.3M for one is ok....... But I can see why you think staying for another year of payout is not much different. And emotionally I wonder if I can stomach it for 12 more months......
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SICN
"If your husband's affair doesn't distraught you emotionally so much, why bother with a divorce? You two have fallen out of love and being together seems to be more of a habbit than choice even beofore the discovery of the affair."
Maybe he had. Hence his affair but still being with me? But I certainly still love him in as far as you can feel for someone who just slapped you in the face.....I guess....And been lying to you for 2yrs. But it has been a good ten years of memories......
Why bother with a divorce?.....It is because I was hoping to start a family with him but as mentioned.....I am nearly 34 so it is now or never to get moving with my life away from him. I can't see myself hanging a round playing domestics? Trying to repair the trust & then seeing if we can have a baby together??? That might take me to 36 or 37? And if the relationship is not repairable? And he seems to really like this other woman.....I don't think I want to hang a round like a third wheel for years if you know what I mean?
What dignity is available in this scenario? So that is why I have posted my question...... Divorce straight away or just delay for one more year for the additional $300k?
Yes, I think I can deal with this emotionally for a while....I just want my head to stop spinning first before I do something rash. He has just left for a trip and will be back on Friday.......
I can't believe he would one night try to make a baby with me and then the next morning while I was out for 2 hours, he emailled her that he missed her so much that he had to check out her trip photos, then he tries to make a baby that night with me again (sigh).....I just know now it wasn't me he was thinking of.
Why are men like this? My god, I can't believe he would be that stupid and heartless if I had actually got pregnant. What the heck does he think I am a charity case or something. Oh my god.
You know I dont understand why he just won't come out and say he wants to break up. Why torture everyone like this?
Thank you to each of you for wading through my loing winded misery............
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Some thinking points
a)Whether you are divorcing or not, having some family or friends in your life is a good thing. Perhaps this has been a burden on your husband.
b)Please do not use another man to help you get over the husband. If anything get a counsellor.
c)The fact that husband is still trying for a baby with you may indicate that the affair is not so serious as you imagine.
d)What would you do if you stayed another year? Still sleep with him? Secretly go on the pill so you don't fall pregnant? How do you explain not sleeping with him? What if he swaps to another mistress with HIV? What if you get pregnant? Do you want to get pregnant so your pay-out will be bigger?
e)Did husband leave the email there for you to see? Maybe he wants it all out in the open? Maybe he wants you to show emotion and passion.
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Me Myself and I. very sorry to hear about this. I hope you find the strength to act coolly and this will benefit you in the long run. Firstly, make a list of your priorities and decide how best to achieve them. Now what I am about to say is a little Machiavellian so please forgive me. The one thing that won't change is you biological clock so you really need to think through who is going to make you pregnant and who is going to support you when you have the child. As you are in your 30s, there are obviously a lot of men who would find you attractive if you look elsewhere. The problem is are they going to be any better than your husband? If you husband is smart, healthy, good-looking and wealthy then I think maybe you should get pregnant by him - this will strengthen your hand considerably if it comes to a divorce. An alternative is to go nuclear and confront the mistress direct.
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Just one more thing. Try to keep your spirits up. There is a good line from Woody Allen's 'Hannah and her Sisters' (I think). "If you're just miserable, you're doing really well. I don't know how all the blind people get through the day."
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I have to disagree with LGMV. Do not get pregnant by this man until things are sorted out (if ever). Getting pregnant will not do you any favor and will be painful for the kid. Using a kid (or pregnancy) to extract something is abusive on the kid, in my view.
I do agree with LGMV to sort out your priorities though:
- Get some friends and family to talk things through (not emotional support but rather rational support)
- Get your financial situation down on a paper (assets, liabilities, a monthly cash flow/budget); see how far you get under different scenarios
- Personally i would look for a divorce rather quick as your biological age counts for more than the money (so get to see a divorce lawyer rather sooner than later, in order to understand your legal position -> i have mentioned before in some threads, take everything they say with a grain of salt as they have their own agenda). Also consider in which geography you want the divorce to happen. Once you register it in a place, that jurisdiction counts, and there can be quite some differences. Again this is not to screw him, but it will help once you do the negotiation for a fair settlement with him (and you sound like a rational person who wants to get a fair share, and not get revenge on him).
- You have access to some of the financial funds? Joint accounts? I would immediately transfer some funds to an account that only you can access. This will help to cover some of your expenses in the short run and not allow him to play hardball on you
- Personally, once you have made your decision, kick him out of your common home with immediate effect. Changing the locks would help so he has no keys.
- Get a job and get it quick. Your dating scene is second priority to your job in my view, as a job will provide financing and 1/3 of all relationships start at work (according to some statistics) ;-)
Good luck
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Cookie. I don't think you can go around kicking spouses out of their own homes (regardless of who actually owns it) unless you have a court order. I'm not a lawyer but I belive that to be the case. I'm sort of agree with you on the baby but if a child is very important then maybe she should take what is alreday on offer - though I admit this could be disastrous. Swings and roundabouts really.
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i know LGMV but i equally know that in such situations, many times you don't need a court order for the spouse to voluntarily leave (or at least decamp into the living room sofa)
i also sense (or read?) that his family is in HK, so that could make things easier
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As a guy, I would suggest the following: 1) Say you want to do a special savings plan and demand to see all the money that goes in and out of household - You could pretend you want to buy a property (which of course will be in a joint name) 2) Loot as much as you possibly without him knowing 2) get pregnant by him (but only if he's worth it) 3) keep calm at all times 4) try and find out a bit more about the mistress 5) make a realistic assessment of your chances of finding another decent partner in HK 6) announce divorce plans only when it is your interest to do so
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Oh yeah. most guys can be easily fooled if you suck up to their egos. But as a woman, I'm sure you knew that already.
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LGMV makes me laugh a lot... seems you suffer something that you want all the men in this worl to suffer the same thing as you did...
Any way, for the PS's case, main point is you need to be independent. If you are not security with yourself, you can never feel security in any relationship. and i don't think baby can make your present relationship better...
For my understanding, your husband is preparing for the alternative chooice. If you got pregnant he will continue this marriage, if you don't get pregnant, he will plan a divoce, but as you can see, he will not say that by himslef, he let you see his emails and wait for you to say it out.. so you have to ask yourself, even if you really get pregnant, do you still want to be with this man? if not, pregnance only bring more problem...
I don't know why you care about finance so much... i am sure you can get a job with the salary that can support yourself, maybe with lower standard at begining. but you will be much happy on your own than in a terrible relationship. So its all your chooice.
btw, men become like this when there is another/better chooice in the back yard, and If you really want to use lawyer, don't forget to make a copy of his emails.
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rainbow, i can only imagine why finance is not irrelevant, especially if you have nothing else in terms of security.
if he saves 60k/month, then he must be making 100, 150 or 200k/month. that means a an apartment size of at least 1500 sqf+, dining out in good restaurants, etc.
to go from there to a 3m place (500-700 sqf anyone?), eating noodles and trying to find a decent job is not an easy proposition
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rainbow1980. Actually, this hasn't happened to me - yet. My theory is that if you have to fight - and I hate fighting - then you fight to win.
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cookie09, that is why i said, its all her chooice. stay in a confortable house and keep silence abt her husband's affair or leave everything with dignity. btw, "ME MYSELF & I "how do you know you can not find a decent job? why you don't have this confidence ? i don't believe you have no brain or quality to make a good life by your own.
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Wow! No woman have I ever come across can be so calm in facing of her husband's affairs, whom she still said "I certainly still love him" after "a good ten years of memories......"; so rational to be able to calculate how to get a better financial payout & fair share of benefits; so hopeful to immediately start thinking about next dating and starting a family with other men; and so apathetic to remind people here on this forum only to offer practical insights but not those provoking judgemental rubbish comments or useless emotional support, while in your case "I have no family or friends to turn to" to release feelings.
(Suddenly I am feeling a chill~~~~ )
Wish I could be that strong like you to get over my recent break-up due to misunderstanding, I do miss him night and day...
OOPS, sorry the above must be considered excessive but you know it's inevitable since there are always people who don't listen.....okay okay back on the right track now:
Financial bit, as "Your Favourite Cowboy" suggested, simply consult a lawyer, sometimes you don't necesarily need to waste another year to negotiate you the payouts wanted.
But "HK$2.5M house is borderline livable"? "Being able to save HK$60K (per month) he is moderately ok...lower middle class"? How come the recent debate about "minimum wages" is talking about only HK$24-HK$33 per hour?
(Now I am sneezing~~~~ ) OOPS, sorry again!
Emotion bit, as Mike204 opined, only you yourself will know if facing him day-to- day after the discovery of his affair would be still comfortable to you for staying any longer. However, NORMALLY all the good ten years of happy memories will never be the same enjoyable again once betrayal starts ruining the relationship. As you are already so determined to divorce, why bother to pretend there's nothing happened?
So no need to stay only for the sakes of emotion easness and financial betterment, unless you desire to do so for love, and for your want of having a family which you are already halfway through (having a husband).
BTW, I have to say the idea of using pregency and the baby as a negotiation term for a better deal is absolutely Terrible and Stupid.
I do seriously warn you not to over-estimate yourself and under-estimate the challenging situation coming ahead. It's never easy to start everything all over again even you are able to rip him off. Don't forget you've been off the job market for quite some years, and fully dependent on your husband's money. Are you realistically ready to go back to WORK? While always remember your husband is not the only man in this world having two heads.
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rainbow, you basic assumption is that she can stay for longer with him. i don't think that would be a wise choice as mentioned above and hence my futher points are on the basis that she will be without him pretty soon
from what she wrote, i do think she is confident to get a job soon, but it will probably not be an equivalent job to what her husband has right now (i.e. 100k+/month)
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Sexyboop. You have to put my baby idea into the context of 1) the biological clock and b) the alternative males available and c) her strong desire for a child. The point is, if you wait too long, it's too late.
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I manage all his household & investment paperwork so he can go work a decent paying but pressurised job - without having the additional hassles on himself. This is why I stopped working. Also, I have been helping him to research to start a business which is also why I stopped working. It is not because I am incapable or not confident to find another job...but it has been a while & I don't speak Cantonese to apply for jobs in HK :(
Further, it is a huge undertaking to walk the path of divorce alone......(vicarious experience from many close others in the past)....I do have a couple of friends that I socialise with, but not that type of frienship/relationship that I want to tell these things to. And all they have ever heard is quite foolish rave reviews about him from me :( ......As mentioned...I have really liked/enjoyed life being with him all these years. That is why this affair is quite surprising to me, I must have missed something in these two years???? Given this, I can't rationally accept staying with him and for what? So I can have other affairs going and not have a clue?
Further, I cannot accept falling pregnant to such a man. This is not something I could ever conspire to do for any amount of money in the world - knowing that I know he has had an affiar! If I was pregnant then I found out I might have had to stay, especially as the time with him has been very happy for me. But I am not going to throw my future and respect for myself out the window by getting pregnant and having a pariah in the family!
For the next few months, I can just tell him it is that time of the month or I am not feeling weel & then just say I am not up for it for a little while at least.....until I clear my head and get some legal advice. I do not want him near me again. That is just so off.
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I do get confused.
Sometimes I think he never intended for our marriage to end as he has never raised any dissatisfaction about our relationship or indicated he wanted a divorce - he is asking me go get pregnant, and he is doing the business venture (he has just rejected a friend who wanted to go in with him and he said he does not need/want a partner in it as we are fine as is). So it is not like he has done anything to suggest he wants to end our marriage. Even last week he asked me I want to book a holiday for next month to Japan? WTF? It was his initiative....maybe out of guilt? I do not understand.
And then when I recall the emails and the dates of them he has such intimate feelings for someone else for such long time - 2 yrs! It is not a trivial relatonship in my eyes. If he was so giddy & it had only went on for say three months you can see why it is not serious, but not 2yrs! It is a full on relationship.
So why the pretence?
I will see a lawyer and if his advice is what Cowboy and the others advised that the payout is the same I will leave him. Everyone is correct. I should not torture myself for months longer.
He has more than HK$15M of clear assets (as I manage them, I should know). So I just want out. This is ridiculous.
But yes, sadly, the market in HK is littered with other CRAPPY men just like him! But it is a chance I need to take if I want a decent father to a baby down the track. As for the damn two of them, they can go make damn whore babies all they like. I dont want to think about it.
Sorry :( I just need to vent.
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If you haven't got any real friends or family here and no job and can't speak chinese and crappy men why don't you just leave the country? Have a fresh start somewhere else, do you want to bump into them together in a year esp with a baby?
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me myself & i,
you have 15m assets at your disposal and worry about 2.5 or 3m apartment? you are entitled to 7.5m, so what am i missing. if you don't feel like it, get out right away
on a separate note, something is indeed a bit odd about his behavior towards you. it almost sounds as if he really wants to stay with you. are you really sure whatever he writes to the other woman is not just to have some sex on the side with no strins attached? in that case it might make sense to expose him and see what he will chose (if you even want to try that)
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Tiny teddy,
I really like it in HK. I have been coming and going here for 10+yrs. It is like my first or second home. And with my husband there is many happy times here. I have no family back in my other country. Even more upheavel???? But maybe a change of scene will do me good?????
Cookie,
..... it almost sounds as if he really wants to stay with you. are you really sure whatever he writes to the other woman is not just to have some sex on the side with no strins attached?'
Indeed I am bracing myself for the conversation with him. (And in hanging a round a bit longer, maybe I am putting it off a bit???). But I don't want to get talked in to staying as I think about a baby/biology clock, and I see him with this woman with such strong feelings still going after two years?!!!! In fact, it is like his feelings for her a more than hers for him. How pathetic is this? I am just flabbergasted.
Or is it just about sex on the side? And then does this become a rational for me to stay??????? I do feel those emails were never meant to be seen by me....but I can't say hey, ok then. Yes, he really only wants her as a spare?
......If I try to fight it out for $7M is it emotional investment of time and energy which I do not have to give???? Is it better if I channel myself in to a positive process of getting on with my life? I really only have a window of a few years to see if there is any chance to meet someone decent and which we both gel well together.
....My personal experience is I know people who have had affairs after another even after they promised no more and it all ends in CRAP! The poor women are even more distraught and bitter than if they had walked after the first shock! It is so sad to see. Also I have seen how bitter and twisted some revenge divorces are like. When you go for someone's throat, it is amazing how the karma comes back to you. No one wins in affairs/divorces. Why can't men understand this? If I look at the couples I know if, 70-80% have had an affair. It is like mine was one of the few left respectably standing....and now I know it is not.
This is all so sordid. Are there any freaking damn DECENT men out there at all?
I don't feel that i can deal with a protracted divorce fight over money...I really dont think so. It will do my head in. And item to do with the fight will just bring me back to think about the two of them. It is like I will be slashing my wrist over and over again.
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good question Myself, .. chance of existence of decent/ faithful ever after men is becoming more and more little, in a world of nowadays.
as a female myself and having lived some experience myself, i perfectly understand your hurt, anger, disappointment, questions, confusion, .. and again, hurt.
Some people/men are just greedy and selfish. And disrespectful/inconsiderate of his other half's feelings.
Cheating is never right. But would you not even want to try and talk to him and find out what's on him mind really? without having to confront him.
personally if something happens and i need to know why. It helps with my eventual peace and emotional/psychological health.
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Its not difficult to understand why men are like this... its just because most women pay too much attention to their men... actually, if they pay less attention to the men and focus on themselves, no matter in marriage or dating, then things will be different.
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I will ask him. Questions race through my mind. When did it start? Why did it start? What was I doing that I was so blind at that stage? What lead up to it?
Who started it? How?
The freaking cow reports to him from another office. My 'husband' is her manager. And she freaking knew he was married. It does take two, but why do women engage in these liasons knowing the lying bastard is married? She is also freaking married. At which point do these two release that marrigage should mean something?
If he wanted out two years ago he should have said something. It wasn't like this reltionship was frosty. He trusted me with all his paperwork, I am a signatory to so much of it. We have travelled to more than 20 countries together on holidays?! So it is not making any sense to me at all.
What is/was he thinking. The scary bit is I realise I no longer understand him at all....But I rational mind also tells me I will not get a single straight anwser from him, will I?
I can't trust anything he says. It will be all trying to placate the situation. Not have all the hurt blow up in his face. Why did he create a situation like this? WHY? Only he can tell me but it will never be truly known :(
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I hate you I hate you I hate you. And it means everyone at your workplace will also know. It is impossible to hide this for so long.
I have a personal dinner with him and his boss every once in a while. He trots me out to PR his boss. WTF? WTF? WTF? This is so pathetic of me.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
MM&I, What I am going to tell you might not be popular here but I hope you can see some different light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen couple survived as bad, if not worse, as what you are going through. And their marriage is stronger than ever now. Keep your eye on the ball, whether it is a keeper or a divorce, the rest just let it slide away like water on a duck's back.
I would suggest you to find a way to talk to your husband openly. Do not make such big decision solely on your own regardless how much more money you will gain at the end.
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All has a life and that's the nature's rule, and for the same reason i tend to stop believing in "happily ever after" and that does not mean its not hurtful such realisation.
It needs everything to go right for the relationship to go right and one thing, can wreck it.
Our body gets sick from time to time and that could be a sign that something has gone wrong; more attention paid, more effort invested, the body pays back and gets well again.
So does everything else in a way, perhaps marriage included.
i myself have grown to be less idealistic about men and their nature, biological and emotional.
Some men just have extra psychic/emotional energy, same time greedy( want more than one woman in their life) and selfish ( inconsiderate of the hurt that means to his partner). Same time he could be a good husband/friend/worker in work place etc.
And you have a choice. A very personal one, to make.
I have the feeling he cares about you and the marriage and does not want end it/leave you.
If you want to hurt him ( and yourself) back by divorcing, it's one choice.
Or before making that choice, give yourself some time.
But i may think right now it is hard for you to understand what i am saying here. It is still an idealistic world where you have been living in, given that it sounded that you have been with this same guy/person for ever.
Chance is you cannot forgive, at this stage of your life. And you guys can not survive it. Shame...and i too understand if that happens..
we can only make the best out of what we understand/manage.
money wise, you won't lose anyway and time longer or shorter in my view would not make a huge difference, since you are protected by law and you are not at fault.
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rititt, i personally would understand that the OP's name just suggested the struggles within her that she's going through..
and i would understand that..
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Rititt. You're being too harsh. MM&I. I really don't think it is your fault and - to a lesser extent - I can't really fault the husband too much as I understand how he thinks. Firstly, MM&I and all the other ladies out there - please understand that it is very hard for a man to say no if it is offered to him on a plate. Most men will make very short-term decisions - a minority will consider the consequences. Strange but true. I have said no to women who have thrown themselves at me but only because I didn't realise they had thrown themselves at me until it was too late. I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes - but that's another story. Also, don't read too much into the content of the emails. men will say anything to keep the other side sweet. Sounds like he cares for you and appreciates what you are doing. He obviously trust you; the mistress is just a toy.
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rititt, your post is pretty useless, sorry
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Rititt, thanks you did open my eyes by showing how unreasonable, nasty, preposterous and selfish a man could be. Good job! ME MYSELF & I, I am thinking perhaps your cheating husband is still eligible to be considered a man of virtue when compared with some real losers.....
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rititt,
I could be wrong but in classical china, the practice was polygamy, not cheating. A man could have 2 or more wives and the wives know of each other and the 1st wife was always 1st in line. That isn't cheating. Don't use culture as an excuse for cheating. And the "man bringing the money home" does not make everything he does to be ok.
I have to agree with LGMV that the mistress is just a toy and men will say anything to be able to retain the convenient booty call and it is very hard to refuse something that is there for the taking. MM&I, from what you have said, your husband sounds like the does care for you. Since you were never able to see the signs in the two years this has been going on, I can only assume that he has been loving and attentive towards you. A man who is in love with another will not be like this. One way or another, the wife will feel and see the changes.
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Those who have suggested having a baby as a means of getting more financially must be out of their minds. More often than not, a baby costs more than whatever financially support the other spouse could give. It can also turn into a financial battle where the husband is not giving enough to support the child. Bringing up a child as a single parent is tough. It is extremely exhausting. Then how would you juggle between work and a child? Then think about your child. Your child will be brought up in a "broken" home where not only will he/she won't see his/her dad, mum may not have time either because she has to go out and work to earn a living. Morever, as a mother, how appealing will "Me, Myself and I" look to potential partners especially in Hong Kong?
I don't buy the excuse that the fact that MM&I didn't know about his affairs means that he is so in love with her. If he was, he would not have had the affair in the first place. He'd be too worried about losing her. And if it was a mistake, he would not have let it drag on for two years. What could he say to her now? Would you believe him if he said to you, "It was a mistake, I wouldn't do it again?"
Personally, I wouldn't wait for two years to make the move. If you've just discovered, think of a plan first on what you would do. Remember that you can stand on your own two feet. You do not have an additional finanicial burden, like a raising a child. You can take responsibility for your own living. Tell him that you are getting bored at home and you'd like to go out working. Find a job and plan your life as if you do not have a husband. Make sure you are self sufficient, like you can pay the rent, bills, meals, taxes, insurance etc without his income. You could find a place to rent first, then confront him when you've established your new home. Whatever "financial benefits" you get from him are just extras. You can give him the excuse that you do not want to try for a baby because you are out looking for a job and you want to focus on that first. I guess.
Getting extra $$ from him really shouldn't be a deciding factor. Once you've prepared a life without him and are financially secured, then go for it. Don't wait.
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Just do like the French do, and put up with it. Mistresses are not something to automatically get a divorce over.
Why don't you just bring it all out in the open with him and let him know that you can tolerate it with certain conditions. As long as he financially supports you and provides you with some emotional support and even provides you with children, what's there to complain out. Perhaps the other woman is just to satisfy his physical lust which you cannot fulfill.
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A 40+ helper hoping for kids ? Been with this bum for 5 years.
I think she left it a bit late. Sorry for her, but what was she doing before 35 when she hooked up with this bum ?
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Thank you everyone for helping me out. I really needed a sounding board that was not going to do my mind in.
I now feel like I can face Friday. And that I can better hold back the rising anger when I hear his voice. It has not been easy.
...BTW, I called my log in MM&I because I felt alone and I do not know how to deal with it. Normally when I have faced issues or he has had issues we turned to each other (I assume he had to me). So I felt there was only ME left standing there in the middle of this mess. At least he has the comfort of that woman when this all comes out.....In any case, it is only a login. It is no big deal.
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Evianjune and I Will Try, it is comforting to know how others have faced the aftermath. And the real cross road that weighs on you....
Loyd Grossman:
'Also, don't read too much into the content of the emails. men will say anything to keep the other side sweet.'
His words to her were the most painful words to read. And then thinking of the dates and events that surrounded each one and what were we doing a round those days together. I can see what you mean. But they hurt and damage none the less.
I think women view that there are meanings behind those words when they are said from their man, & although men do not value those words as much and they may be a means to an end in this case (????), can you bear them being said to his mistress? No. It is very difficult to see them in print.
...I do not know who is palying who between the two of them. They must kniw what they are doing and think they can handle it better than the other?
Such losers. GREEDY GUILTY GUTLESS and DISGUSTING people. If our love life is not fulfilling him, then there should have been a better alternative to explore than an ongoing affair with a subordinate. I would have thought he had a brain.
Does our relationship not mean anything to him? Why put this in jeopardy like this? And our future together? I hope she was worth it. OMG.
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MM&I. I know words are painful but you have to believe he doesn't mean them. Honest. I do this all the time. We'll say anything for a bit of peace and quiet. Trust me on this.
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MM&I I really feel for you, and agree that after being together for 10 years/married over 5yrs and trying for a baby, him having an affair is despicable.
I think you are being way to kind to only want HKD3M - that wont get you much in this town - and why do him any favours anyway?? If you've been together 10yrs and married over 5 yrs, go for EVERYTHING you are entitled to - be it 50:50 or whatever.... you need to set yourself up for the future.
I know you seem very confident that you'll just go out and find another man to have a family with, and sorry to be Cynical, but it is VERY difficult to find a decent man these days, especially in HK (just look at all the posts on this forum!) and although 33/34yrs old is still young (not according to some of the jerks on this forum!) face the fact that you are now competing with beautiful young women in their 20's - so if you're wanting a baby, the clock is tickin...
.. so you may have to prepare yourself for the fact that you may not find anyone in the near/immediate future, and therefore perhaps down the road, after a few years of dating idiots, when/if you do find someone worthy and you've dated for a year or two (or more) got engaged and then finally decide to marry/have a child - I'm sorry to say you may be in your late 30's (or older!) and getting pregnant may not be as easy as you think - prepare yourself for the (hopefully unlikely) event that you may have to resort to expensive fertility treatments etc. or Godforbit you don't find anyone worthy and you find yourself in the unenviable position that MANY beautiful/intelligent/loving/kind women in this town find themselves in and realise that they're 40+, no hubby in sight and therefore decide to have a child on their own and be a single mum (you'll need all the $$ you can get then!!) - all because your selfish ar$ehole of a hubby decided to betray you like this whilst trying for a baby/ and in the prime of your life.... if he didn't want you anymore, why not set you free to find someone else years 2 ago BEFORE starting the affair??
So fuc& him sweetheart, stay calm, dont make any drastoc decisions, take the time to work out what is best for YOU - go and see a lawyer and get as much money out of this scumbag as you are ENTITLED (I'm not saying screw him completely, well maybe after you leave you can give the mistress a call...) - I just don't see the need for you to be so considerate and do him any favours by only wanting HKD3M when he's obviously on a good income - believe me NO-ONE will think you are a money-grabbing whatever, YOU are his wife, you two made a commitment to love and be faithful to each other, and in marriage everything is supposed to be 50:50, so just take what's yours and start again.
Goodluck!
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cynical1 - you mean call the mistress' husband ha ha
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ME MYSELF & I
"one teapot can fill many cups" goes the old Chinese proverb, and so SOME men are fine with Polygamy.... the problem comes when they neglect to mention and agree it with their wife.
Such a man can have strong feelings for multiple women, just as a parent can love more than one child. The fact is that Alpha males (whether they cheat or not) are never "devoted" the way women can be, so it's not impossible to have the same sense of duty, affection, and care for multiple women on a non exclusive basis.
The fact that he writes love letters to this intruder in your marriage does not mean he does not have the same feelings for you he did when he married.
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