Quarter life crisis!

I feel like I am having a bit of a quarter life crisis at the moment so would appreciate some advice on my situation.

Sorry in advance for rambling on a bit.

I got married 3 years ago and have been living the expat life ever since, first in Japan and now I have been in HK for about 5months. My husband and I still get on great, we never really fight, the only problem with our marriage is me! I never really settled into life in Japan. I found making friends very hard, and could not get a job so was bored. I was on my own a lot as my husband works long hours. I started a distance learning uni course which did help keep me busy but if I am honest I spent two and half years feeling like I was wasting my life and wishing I was back in the UK wanting my life back.

We moved to Hong Kong because it was best for my husband’s job and I thought that things would be better here. We have also agreed to leave as soon as his contract allows should things not work out (although that’s easier said than done when his job is going well). Things in HK are better than Japan, I have made some nice friends but the job hunt isn’t going so well. It could be because I haven’t worked for 3yrs, or it could be Cantonese issue? I am trying to find some charity work to keep me busy whilst I ‘m looking. The problem is I am struggling to see the point of it all. Maybe I am being negative after having my CV ignored, maybe its just settling into a new country but I can’t see how my life is going to get better here. I feel like I am running out of time to do all the things I am supposed to do (in my head life is still practically over by the time you hit 35 so I am some how supposed to have babies, get a career all in the next 5 yrs – yes I know this is ridiculous attitude! After all I keep reading that 40 is apparently the new 30!). Part of me just wants to say its not working and I want to go home now but I know I can’t do that, I don’t have a job in the UK either and perhaps it will be just as impossible to find work there (which will be more depressing than being unemployed in HK), financially it would also be a pain, one of the big bonuses of Asia was being able to save lots, that’s not going to happen if we have 2 flats and have to fly back and forth to see each other. I don’t want to leave my husband – it would be really hard on him being stuck working long hours on his own, I am not really worried about him finding someone else but I guess I am worried that the distance would mean our lives started going in different directions. My husband is lovely and very supportive and told me I can go if it will make me happy. I think he is probably fed up of living with a depressed wife and feels guilty. I want to stay with him but I am fed up of feeling like I am wasting my life, that I can’t do anything about it and that I am trapped. I can’t work out if I am depressed or stuck in a rut or just whining for no good reason!

I never really thought that married life would be like this, I thought it would be more of an equal partnership, but because I don’t work and am a “dependant” these days I sometimes feel like I am less of a person/my vote doesn’t count for very much (I’m sure this is in my head-my husband never gets control of the tv remote so I clearly have some power!)

If anyone has any suggestions on how to get happy, excited and motivated about life again please let me know. I can’t talk to my mum about this stuff as she thinks I should just live next door to her (never happening!) , my friends back home are all busy with jobs and I don’t think I should burden my new friends with all my dark and twisty thoughts just yet!

Make babies and do some charity work.

Gleek


Welcome to Hong Kong. It is a great place to live, full of really great people and opportunity.


First off, forget about negative feelings from Japan, as it is a far harder place to integrate and make friends than Hong Kong.


Secondly, you definitely should talk to your new friends about how you feel. You can bet your bottom dollar that many will have gone through the same thoughts....but the fact they are still here and having fun means they have worked their way through the initial "loneliness" in a new country. Remember that for the time you are here (two years or twenty) some of these people will become like family, as they are the people you will rely since your own family are so far away.


Third, get out and join some female sports team in HK (there are loads) or book club or the like. There you will meet loads of other ladies (many with husbands working long hours or travelling) and many who work for themselves who you will find great friendship through.


The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find work. Unless you have some specialist qualification you are probably not going to find a job in the job pages of the SCMP. You will find it through meeting people and through that net-working.


What ever you do, don't go back to UK and leave your husband here. You married him to be with him. There are plenty of good times to be had in Hong Kong and sharing them together will be a fantastic experience for you both.


Enjoy HK.

read your whole rant and had a thought for myself, and then i see homely's response and - while a bit straight to the point - it's broadly the same that i thought.


what prevents you from having kids? why you need to have a career? what prevents you from doing a career in charity works?

This may sound dumb.

Have you thought about teaching English? It will get you out of the house and you will meet other expats in a non-social environ. OK it is not a career, and the pay is cr*p. But it keeps the braincells active. It has helped me keep my sanity for the last 6 years.

isnt this the greatest of all things? you dont have to work and your husband is providing for you and he is a good husband who supports you? Either you are really unhappily depressed for no good reason at all or there is something else you are getting depressed about not written here?


But just basing on what you wrote: be happy, be content, no one can have it all. and i think many a woman would like to be in your shoes - a husband that earns good money, and you dont have to work. What else is there to complain about?


Go shopping, hit the gym, go swimming, meet up with a few expat housewives, learn cooking, learn cantonese.. and the list just goes on. The problem is really you. and you have to stop it before ur husband felt that depression and look for a woman somewhere else.

Have a baby and be blissfull! You're in a great place right now.


Or do what many of us have done and chuck it all, only to wish you had it again 10 years later and it will be nowhere in sight...


Forget the career thing, you've been duped, we've all been duped and there's no joy in it.


Have a baby, you will be so challenged and the challenges will consume all your thoughts til your last breath and you won't even choose a matching outfit in the morning, you won't even be wearing clean clothes sometimes and you'll just get on with it as you wont have a choice but you'll love it. Forget the shopping, tennis, drinks etc.. Waste of resources.

The grass is always greener. As you know most women would kill to be in your situation so please pull yourself together. If there is something you have always wanted to do - that is feasible to do here and is not going to put a strain on your marriage - then do it. I would advise you not to burden your husband with these thoughts - save for your friends. There are plenty of women out there who would take your place at the drop of a hat.

Also, just what exactly do you expect of of life? Get pregnant; that'll keep you busy. Kids are also great fun. You will have a whole new outlook on life - it will no longer be just about you.

I could understand that in Japan because of the language barrier, you need to adjust more but here in HK, nearly everyone tried and managed to speak the English language to communicate. You should be more open and there are lots of expat wives to make friends with if you want to keep to small circles which is really your choice. In HK, one telephone call will get you an appointment to go to enjoy a movie, lunch, afternoon tea or shopping etc etc with a friend as HK is not a big place and going to any location during the weekdays is smooth sailing as there's less traffic jam and is not crowded.


If you want to make friends with local people, start with wives/girlfriends from your husband's colleagues. They should be more than willing.


Weekends to be spent with your husband - how can life be depressed? Better still, ask your husband to join a nice club.

have sent you a PM

Gleek


Agree with much of what has already been written. My own tuppence worth (I am a guy by the way).


The feelings you describe are by no means limited to women. I have an interesting, challenging, well paid job, have done well, been promoted etc., have a loving wife whom I love in equal measure, but constantly find myself asking whether there isn't more to life. Kids may fix it for some, but bring a whole heap of different challenges and mean even less time for pursuing outside interests.


The bottom line is, you need to put yourself out there and not give up on finding something meaningful. It may be something you never imagined yourself doing. It may not fit into the typical 'career' description. It could come totally out of left field and surprise you. Or indeed it could be an ordinary, run of the mill job that just happens to suit you down to the ground. The truth is, everyone is different and you shouldn't look to what defines others to define yourself.


Above all, don't feel bad for having these feelings. You should be congratulated! It's good to want to make a difference, to want to actually do something meaningful with your life. But it's not going to drop into your lap, you need to get out there and try things until you find it.


One of the greatest things about HK is that there are endless opportunities for getting out there and trying new things, whether it's volunteering, sports, arts and cultural activities etc. Thing about what made you happy as a youngster, about what your dreams were back then, and that may give you some clues. Also, I recommend reading 'What Shall I Do With My Life' by Po Bronson. It's quite thought-provoking and has lots of examples of ordinary people who have been through exactly the sort of soul searching that you are.


Above all, do not give up on your relationship with your husband. It sounds like he is incredibly supportive. You cannot afford to lose that. But do involve him, and your new friends, and make him and them a part of the soluton. Rather than look on this as an intractable problem, try to see it as an interesting challenge. There is an answer out there, possible multiple answers. You just need to get off your backside and get out there. Get involved in something. Just doing new things will help you feel more positive.


Good luck!

Thanks for all the replies, its interesting to see what other people think.

I am surprised that most of you seem to think the solution is just to get pregnant! I guess that is what a lot of expat women do in this situation and maybe they have the right idea. None of my friends with kids seem to be in a blissful state more like exhausted! Anyway I'm not sure that it is the answer to all my problems, although your right it would keep me very busy and change my life. I don't even know if its possible for me to have kids(due to medical reasons which I wont go into) and whilst I probably won't put it off forever I would like to feel a little bit more settled and together before I try. I don't think having a baby just to have something to do is a particularly good reason to have a child.

In answer to the question why do I feel I need a career? why is it so strange that I want one? I never grew up with the expectation I would be a housewife-who does these days? As a child I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, astronaut, (and occasionally a ballet dancer!) not someone who plays tennis down the country club, shops and gets her nails done! I don't think there is anything wrong with doing this, but when someone asks me "what do you do" I would like to have an answer I am proud of rather than just being slightly embarrassed, struggling to answer the question! Maybe I grew up expecting to much, maybe my parents were wrong telling me, that working hard was important and I could do anything if I put my mind to it, what they should of said is marry man with a good job, have babies and join the country club! I know there are plenty of girls out there who want this and would be happy. I am not one of them, I want to work and I would like to be able to build on the work I am doing and learn something which is essentially what I mean by a career! Perhaps I have not been thinking laterally enough and I need to consider some alternative paths such as charity work to achieve this goal. I would start my own business if only I had some inspiration! which is maybe another reason to get more involved in things! Thanks for the book recommendation I will take a look.


I do think that I have allowed some of my negative feelings from japan to affect me settling into life here. I have always been a bit of a pessimist and should really try to be more positive about things. I am glad I am not the only one who ever feels like this! perhaps since I am having a bit of a life crisis now I will skip the mid life crisis later!


I don't plan on giving up on my marriage, I never did, leaving hong kong early was just one solution and probably not the most practical or sensible considering we both want to stay together.


I have already started to make a good group of girlfriends who don't work and am going to make an effort to get more involved with life here. I think part of the problem with not working is that you just have too much time to think! I think that your right in saying I shouldn't give up and maybe I will find something unexpected that I love doing, but in order to do that I really need to get involved with stuff. I have already started sorting out some charity work which will hopefully help me feel more settled here.


Thanks

I'm far from sympathetic.

Sounds like a terrible brat whinging.

Had the life in Asia then had to move to Australia - was not easy to make friends.

Worked very hard to make new friends. Enrolled in part-time graduate studies.

Worked out at the gym, read a lot, joined clubs etc.

Did the same thing in Asia too! Had a wonderful life in Asia as was married to a man who was around maybe 4 days a month as work took him away a lot!


Fill up your time/life with things that can better yourself or create a situation i.e. graduate school so that when you're done you'll be employable! Everything I've done to fill up my time since I was about the same age has now gotten me 2 Masters + now expecting a second kid + a great career. I'm all 35!


You're in an enviable position! And lots of people would kill for that position and all you seem to do is whine and whinge about being back in the UK! Sounds like no matter what you're doing you're the sort to see that the glass is half full and will whinge about it. No woman I know in that position at such an age was that much of a whinger! We all made use of the opportunities presented to us. No one I know made such sorry excuses!


You're not the only young expat. Someone so young with so much whinging and great excuses is not going to have a great career anyway. Doesn't sound like you have what it takes to make something of your life.

I totally agree with cara. I'll share my story and hope it gives you motivation. I was in a similar situation but I was the guy who sacraficed almost everything in Canada to move to HK with my then engaged GF (who is now my lovely wife). When I got here, market went down cuz of 9/11, I had no right to abode, no one wanted to issue me a work visa. Spent one year "floating" but at the same time keeping busy, making friends, studying, and the outcome was I found a totally different but very fulfilling career. As others have mentioned, you are lucky to have such freedom and time. Think about what you want to do, to be and make it happen. HK is an incredible place for people with tenacity, a goal and a plan.

You're in a funk hun. You've been in it a few years due to Japan so it will take an effort to pull yourself out due to rewiring of neural pathways. You are not a spoilt brat and definitely don't leave your husband. Before you try anti-depressants get some good quality vitamins and minerals. Do lots of walking and try some bodywork - rolfing, reflexology, massage etc.

No I probably didn't give moving to asia enough thought. In fact I had never even been but was for a year, I thought it would be fun and it wouldn't matter about not working, in fact like all of you I thought it would be great not having to work. 3 years later I'm still in asia and have realised that perhaps career was more important to me than I thought.

When I was in japan I thought a lot about what I wanted to do, came up with a plan of action which I thought would work in hong kong, it hasn't really, so now I am having to come up with another new one. So will try harder.

But it is tempting to look at what my life could potentially be like in the UK, yes we wouldn't be as rich (not that we are now!) but life for me would be so much easier. So I probably need to stop doing this.

I'm 30 and maybe I still am young and naive but I don't think my husband spends his spare time looking for a pretty asian girlf. to replace me with even if I am a miserable gweilo!

Our life is a pie. Most of us have to slice pieces of it to trade for necessities of life or taking care of others. For example, if you want a more prosper career you have to cut a bigger chunk from your pie than others. If you want a wonderful family life, you have to save your pie from what is needed for a big career. If you want respect from others as a successful professional individuals, you have to do that is needed for your own job instead of following your husband to wherever his job’s need.

It is the unspoken trade-off when you signed off your own life to be with your husband. That’s one of the reasons for the fancy expat living allowance and package. It seems you already took the cake and not realizing that cost you the big piece of career pie…

A friend of mine experienced exactly like what you are going through. But she is lucky enough to find a job with a big title: Executive so-and-so. But it turns out the big title comes with lots of stress and time that she and her husband can hardly have anytime to be with each other…

Imagining: does it worth for you to sacrifice the time with your husband to some big titled job in order to feel good about yourself when some strangers ask you what you do for a living?

My advice is: do not live your life according to others’ value. You have your whole piece of pie for yourself and you might just go ahead and enjoy it.

You do need to work - not necessarily for economic reasons, or to command respect from your husband, but to provide meaning to your life, and grow your self esteem.


Secondly, you need to find some kind of a group that allows social interaction... chess club, charity work, something.


I agree with the teaching English idea... I know some people with very poor English who found work because of their white faces.


Finally, I would not be so sure about having children. Your husband disrespecting you may indicate larger problems.