Hello to all,
Met a guy and been with him for more than a year. I know I love him but am curious as he prposed for marriage over the phone and not when I am with him. Is this normal?
I am from Hong Kong
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The same as: Is having sex over the phone normal? Well well well, I won't say it doesn't work, but just.........
Up to you, don't be bound by traditions nor common practices, and see something else not following the pattern not normal. This small part should not be your conisderation in deciding "yes" or "no" or "later".
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normal maybe if LDR separated by war
perhaps he was too nervous about your answer to ask in person, what did you say?
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I would say it depends also on his cultural background.
Some Western countires seem to view the norm as a ring, a fancy restaurant, a special occasion, kneeling down, guy playing the mandoline or whatever...
For me, I can imagine it being even quite charming or romantic to be done over the phone, it depedns on the context and on how it is done. Doesn't need to be Disney style for me.
Did it make your heart bounce, your cheeks redden? Then maybe he did it in a charming way, depsite being over the phone...
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So did he plan to propose over the phone... or do you think he just blurted it out while chatting to you???
Did he make it sweet or special in anyway?
If not... I think it's very strange to propose over the phone!
If it really bothers you... just tell him! Tell him, I'd love to say yes... but how about asking me again in a more romantic situation!!! You can make a joke out of it - maybe, like people say... he was really really nervous.
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Thank you all of you for your views!!! I thought it is really strange because, i know western traditions that they do it in a very a resto , with a ring like ahacha said. And to me being reared in a very asian catholic ways that yes we do it also with a ring.
I never tried asking him why on a phone and not when we are together cause after that phone proposal we met but he never open, so quite shy asking him. Then I am quite curious if he is really ready or not, or serious or not on the marriage issue.
Anyway, lets see why lies ahead of me and him.
Again thank you guys for all your replies.
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In this day and age - what is normal? In the real traditional way a man would ask the woman's father first for her hand in marriage and even 20 years ago if you didn't you were considered odd. But who'd do that now? Does that mean marriage is taken lightly?
Things change, circumstances change, technology changes, communication abilities change. That's life.
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Hi Tinyteddy,
I answered him it's crazy and he is not talking from the heart...and he said that this his a problem to him of me not trusting every word he says.... I do trust him but there are things he said that often contradicts his action... that's why he seldoms tells me what he want's to say and do... So that's why am curious about him proposing over the phone.
my dumlove
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Just because most people do things a certain way doesn't mean it's the only way. If you are in love with your bf, why question where and how he proposed? Shouldn't you just be happy that he actually asked you to marry him? That is the important thing don't you think? That he wants to marry you?
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Most men would not consider this abnormal, perhaps just unromantic.
I presume your beau is a man, in which case, he is more likely concerned about substance over style. You are clearly more focused on style than substance, and presumably looking for something very romantic.
If his behavior bothers you, then you should discuss it with him.
A lot of marriages end in tears because the woman was thinking more about “getting married” than actually being married. They spend more time planning the wedding day than their life afterwards... big mistake.
Do not confuse the excitement of falling in love with the feeling of love for a person. When you get married you can expect to be together for a long time.... there are going to be a lot of unromantic moments in your life, You need to be prepared for this. Romance is fleeting, but married life goes on.
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Oh i guess finally got my point is and what members of my clan says is that ... marriage is a sacred union of man and woman... so if he is serious about marraige he has to do it seriously with respect... I mean proper, conform to the culture and upbringing of the person being proposed to.....which I agree with them.
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Ok, what about that angle then:
what are your suspicions about this guy's motives to get married?
If he proposed, you must know him enough already to know whether he is genuine or not (generally the case -not always I know). I mean, where he's coming from when asking you to become his wife.
You seem to doubt him, therefore, why do you think he did it?
Does he have any personal interest in getting married to you? Whether financial, visa, sex if you decide to remain a virgin until married, or whatever else...
I agree with some other posters that the substance of the subject is more important than the form. Which is not to say the form doesn't matter, but people do not ask that sort of question out of nowhere, generally, and you are usually on the same path of a constructive relationship, that, again, usually leads to marriage.
Are you even surprised that he proposed at all, let alone how he did it?
If I was the guy, and reading this, I would be the one not trusting you in a future marriage, honestly. Sorry to say this.
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Thanks rititt,
I opened this topic last night when he brought me back home after our dinner date last night and made him uneasy when I started asking why over the phone. He can't even say any reason why he did it over the phone. Instead he asked me how I want to be? I answered him, you don't have to ask, you shld have known it already since we have been dating for 2 years met almost all my family and friends, knows my culture my upbringing. And told him too that I shared this to my family and they commented negatively. He did not reply but as Ihave said he is uneasy with it. So I told him if you are really serious about me being your wife do it properly am not asking for a romantic and pomtpous way but at least with respect.
To ahacha,
He is my bf for 2 years. Why I posted this thread is to know more about Western Style of proposing as most I know on westerns that they do it with their friends and families in a fancy way, am not looking for that way but it's the first time I heard proposing over the phone that's why am curious about it.
Regarding personal interest, I may only think sex Yes, as he tried asking before and I said I am not ready, really scared to death doing it outside marriage.
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Ok, now, with the prospective gain (sex), and the fact he asked over the phone, the 2 together don't make it sound like he is such a great guy.
I thought rititt was too prompt to judge the guy but the last point you make about the gain of sexual realtionship... also makes me now doubt about his genuine motives in proposing.
Good luck -Love-88 (your username is too derogative towards yourself! ;) )
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Ahacha,
If you have nothing good to say better not say I am not here to be bullied, go where you belong...
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You misunderstood me I think...
So, to avoid bad feelings: which part? the part about your username? it seems to me that you are being a little cruel to yourself with that choice of name, so my point is that you deserve better!
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"They do it in a fancy way" ... very true in the movies, but not in real life.
Another great urban legend - all westerners are romantic - No they ain't. For example, most westerners do nothing at all for valentine's day until they arrive in Asia, and suddenly find it's expected.
This is nothing about EQ, it's about cultural expectations (CQ), and it seems the two of you really do not understand each others culture and norms ... I still recommend you talk.
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Thanks CaptDave,
I believed you are right!
Talking and meeting it half way. I am not asking for a fancy, one he can propose infront of me alone...and may be I will jump in joy huggging him and giving my self to him right away. as I have said I do love him but my clan's traditions and my upbringing do sometimes is the opposite of him....
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It is about cultural expectations, and also individual expectations.
And generation, social background, personality, etc...
I got proposed almost out of the blue one evening in bed.
No ring, no big speech, etc...
It was nice for me, maybe not so for another woman. personally I wasn't brought up with the whole Valentine thing and lots of people of my generation and my country have gone through a phase of rebellion against it when it was introduced or even imposed by heavy marketing to us. We would avoid doing anything special on that very day (maybe not too mature, but there you go).
Younger generations have got used to it from an early age and they follow it more than we did and do.
that's why, in itself, proposing over the phone is not something that can be judged upon outside context.
Personally, what would make me scream with horror is all the walking along the river (or candlelit dinner thing), kneeling down, glove or not, opening the box with a ring, etc... yuk to me!! :D
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Rititt - Tennis is a game with well defined rules and etiquette.... but courting varies considerably by social group. Expecting the world to conform to your way of doing things seems is either insular, arrogant or plain stupid.
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"I opened this topic last night when he brought me back home after our dinner date last night and made him uneasy when I started asking why over the phone. He can't even say any reason why he did it over the phone. Instead he asked me how I want to be? I answered him, you don't have to ask, you shld have known it already since we have been dating for 2 years met almost all my family and friends, knows my culture my upbringing. And told him too that I shared this to my family and they commented negatively. "
You just made his proposal a nightmare for him. Since you had a problem with his way of proposing, you should have talked to him about it instead of sharing with your family and then letting him know the negative comments.
If I were the guy, I would consider myself lucky we weren't married yet and walk away.
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have you in any way been trying to pressurise him into getting married? or talking a lot about it. i mean of course by deciding to offer your virginity only once you are married, it states from the start that it is your expectation (to be married).
because it just came to my mind that one possibility that he did it over the phone could be that he was not doing it whole heartedly...? (kind of not really wanting to do it at all maybe?)
just another potential explanation, no need to jump at my throat...
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Mike yes, most guy would just walk away... I am that honest to him and would let him know how my family reacted on his ways and manners. To others like me would take it as a challlenge. And I guess he does after that conversation I have had with him. I was really surprised, he came to my office before lunch and asked me for a lunch date and watched a movie last night. I think he is makingit up. I know he likes me, he loves me and he wants me. Look mike he is not only marrying me but my whole clan lol... it's asian life and he leaves here in asia therefore he must abide in asian culture and tradition. lex loccie celebraciones they call it in in the legal realm.
ahacha... never did i know i gave him pressure... i did never open an issue about marriage.. the fact is i did never expect him to propose in any manner...or that early....
dum love...
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Just one more thing re your last comment: "it's asian life and he leaves here in asia therefore he must abide in asian culture and tradition".
outside the proposal thing, i think if you marry this guy, it has to be an exchange between 2 cultural backgrounds, the guy cannot erase where he is coming from...
imagine if one day you move with him to his country, you wouldn't want to leave your culture and background here on top of leaving your friends and family... that wouldn't be possible anyway.
all the best.
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Many couples didn't even have a formal propose, and their relationships last life long time...
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Further to the comments on "it's asian life and he leaves here in asia therefore he must abide in asian culture and tradition"
If you are not prepared to "meet him half way" there is no hope for this relationship.
Better to stop now.
Sorry to say this, but you are inflexible, you need to find someone like your self and avoid more tears later.
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I agree with CaptDave. Some of the answers here are so one sided it's unbelievable. Marriage is a two way street, not one way. Understanding goes two ways. It's give and take, not take, take, take. Yes he needs to understand your culture but you also need to understand his. If you are unwilling to compromise then forget it, you do need to find someone with your own exact background.
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rititt no need to preach, I have been married to a local woman for many years and have a beautiful family to boot. You are mixing several issues here. Cultural is one, religious is another.
HK families aren't as stuck in the dark ages as one might imagine, for every strong traditional family there is also a more modern family and the whole concept of marrying a family doesn't hold true all the time anymore.
As for religion, well that has nothing at all to do with Asian values. I notice Catholics here seem to be more brainwashed than those elsewhere to the point of being dangerous sometimes. That is something I would not personally deal with and to add this sort of fanaticism to "Asian Values" is just plain wrong.
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You mentioned it in a previous post, duh!
"well they leave here in their own cubicle, they know nothing about asia. for example hong-kong. they think they know it? they know nothing! they only know their own expatriate world."
In your own ignorant stereotypical racist world only. And yes without doubt you are a racist. You certainly need to get out more and see what's actually happening around you. Your views are just so narrow it's unbelievable. Start taking some of the advice you have been giving out. It seems you know nothing about Hong Kong, Asia or anywhere else for that matter.
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Dumlove, your bf of two years proposed to you, you were offended by how he proposed. Why couldn't you just talk to him about it and tell him how you felt? Was it necessary to tell everyone in your family and get their negative feedback? Does marrying into "your whole clan" mean you get everyone in your clan to gang up on your bf? Show him all the negative feedback you got from everyone else before telling him how you feel?
You decided to have a western bf just like he decided to love an asian girl. It's give and take in a relationship, he gives and so should you. Cultural differences are expected but a couple who love each other can work their way through this. It shouldn't matter whether he proposed over the phone, in bed after sex, in a restaurant getting down on his knees with everyone seeing and hearing his proposal, or simply while sitting on a bench at a park, all that should matter is the sincerity. IMO proposing with an audience putting a girl on the spot is far worse than proposing over the phone. It may not be the case but to me it seems like a show.
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You might as well also ask how every member of your clan reacts on divorce in advance. Even at present you succeed in making him behave the manner you like him to, then get married, yet I am afraid most of us here would not be optimistic about how long your marriage would last. Long-term marriage is an art of compromise and mutual respect, cross-cultural one is even a harder battle.
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haha, it's been so long ago. I wonder if you have married him already.
My question is:
Why did you post the question here instead of asking him? Get him to do a formal one if you want. He'll do it if he's serious.
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Someone might ask: Dating two years without sex. Is it normal?
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