Posted by
cynical1
14 yrs ago
Can anyone please recommend a counsellor (preferably Western) who is experienced with dealing with families and stepchildren?
My husband's 12 yr old son has come to live with us and is driving me crazy... he can be very rude to me, yells, screams, cries, slams doors etc whenever I ask him to do anything.... and its now causing problems with my husband as he always seems to take his side and he does not do anything when his son treats me rudely.... I dont know what else to do...
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When I first read this, I was going to suggest an exorcist. Upon reflection, I'd say that adolescents go thru rebellion stages. Big time. Understand that it's nothing personal towards you. I don't have a name to recommend.
Good Luck
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Think of it from his point of view; why should he be polite to you in the first place? If you keep calm, he will eventually come round to liking you but the adolescent years, his twenties and thirties are probably a write-off. It should get worse when he hits 16 or 17 when he will be more arrogant and probably physically stronger than his dad. According to my calculations, he may like you by the year 2042. Good luck.
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He's probably blaming you for breaking up his family. You're not his mother and you never will be. So get the father on side otherwise it will be a losing battle. There's always boarding school.
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teme
14 yrs ago
Hi, I have been in the same place...I would recommend setting some boundaries...discuss them and agree. you could do this with your husband...or all three of you together. Recognise that THEY have a relationship and need time together but also understand that you have one with your husband and need time without the son. Also, you are not his mother, and therefore you do not need to fulfill the role.
Mutual respect is needed in any household!
Last point....kids grow up and leave home, hopefully marriages last forever!
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Ignore the step-son and let him run riot and do what he wants. Don't ask him to do anything, but also don't cook for him or do anything for him.
When your husband gets his head out of the sand and realises that things are amiss, tell your husband to grow some balls and sort it out. It is his problem to deal with not yours. As others have mentioned, he is not your son and not your responsibility.
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Teme. I'm not sure this would appeal to the adolescent male mind but if you have been successful then well done. However, I can't see him him discussing or agreeing anything - unless it's just a way of making you keep quiet. I think the only way is for Cynical1 to back off, not say anything to either him or his father, and let the father handle it in his own way. Parenting an adolescent when it is your own child is hard enough. If it's a step-son or step-daughter then it's much worse.
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I am not talking out of experience here, but maybe talking to a therapist altogether with the son and dad can contribute to stating (in a symbolic way) the existence of a problem.
plus they will guide through appropriate methods of dealing with the situation at home so that nobody ends up suffering too much.
some of the advice they would give might already be stated here by some experienced posters; but also, like for everything else, what works best for some (and we're talking 3 people involved so 3 personalities) would be less efficient for others and vice versa.
anyway, that's what i would do i think if i was confronted with a similar problem.
good luck!
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Ahacha. I'm starting to think that counselling and therapy have taken on the status of a new religion or cult. 'If only things were explained better, everyone would understand and get on.' Sounds just like the HKSAR government's line on democracy. Obviously discussing things is good but what you suggest is slightly insulting to the kid. Dragging him off for therapy is going to a) seriously p*** him off b) greatly insult his real mum and c) probably insult your husband. It would be extreme interference. Most sons are intensely loyal to their mothers and your husband probably understands this which is why is is easing off. The only way I can think Cynical1 can win over this kid is by having a sense of humour. If you make him laugh then that will solve the problem slightly. However, you have to be good so best stay in the background.
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obviously i have no experience in the matter, nor do i have experience in teenage kids.
i was notsuggesting the full-on therapy, but maybe a one-off or a couple of sessions.
the kid, his dad, and the step-mum meeting in a neutral and non-antagonistic setting with a fourth neutral party.
in itself it says "it is not working the way it is, we care about that, and we make an attempt to see how things could be different".
everybody could have a say, and less risk of explosive behaviour but actual communication. doesn't need to be more than that.
and i never said 1- it is the way to go 2- it is the only way to go 3-without it no chance.
on the contrary, i'm saying that from where i am now, ie without the knowledge of the experince, i personally would do that.
that is also what the posters wants to do, and anyway, i beleive it's often a choice made and it would be relatively known if that was such a bad thing...
as to saying it is insulting to the kid or the mum, i don't see it.
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Ahacha. It's obviously insulting to the kid. He may think a) Who are you to take my father away? (I'm assuming a conventional break-up as opposed to the father being made a widower) and b) Why are you making me go through this dumbf*** counselling session with this wimp? He's already extremely angry by the looks of things and in a couple of years he will probably be looking to punch his dad's lights out to get revenge on behalf of his mother. Don't underestimate the anger and capacity for violence from teenage males. Reason plays only a small role. If I were Cynical1 I would stay out of the situation and let his dad handle everything. The important thing is to make sure his school work doesn't suffer and - if he has behaviourial problems - see he is getting some way of dispersing his energy like a martial art, rugby or football. (ie something that will completely wear him out). I'm not familiar with this situation and I'm not from a broken home but I have been a teenage boy. Counselling is not the way to go.
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I agree with your point that it should be the father the main person to handle this. Definitely.
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I don't have experience with a step-child, but I have weathered the storm of having two adolescent children ... it was not easy! I don't know what your personal family circumstances are ... whether your husband and his ex split up, or whether she passed away, or what the reasons are for his son now living with you. But whatever the reason, step children can often feel like outsiders ... he may dislike you and blame the break up of his parents marriage on you ... or even if you weren't around at that time, he may now see it that there's no chance of them getting back together, so he dislikes you for that. He will no doubt try to see how far he can go treating you the way that he does (adolescents try that all the time!).
What surprises me is that some posters have suggested that he's not your responsibility, but actually, I disagree to a certain extent. He is a child, the son of your husband, who has come to live with you as a family. You are his step-mother and by being so, surely that involves some responsibility?? Your husband possibly feels like he's treading on egg shells and doesn't want to upset his son ... afterall, he's just come to live with you and he wouldn't want to alienate his own son by becomming the heavy handed father.
However, your husband is doing his son no favours whatsoever by letting him get away with treating you the way that he does. You need to sit down and discuss the situation with your husband privately ... not in front of his son at first, as that would make his son feel as though everything is his fault and everyone is getting at him. Tell your husband that you need his support and he needs to let his son know, when the situation occurs, that his behaviour is unacceptable to him.
Sorry, but putting your familiy situation aside for a moment, as an adolescent, the poor behaviour is likely to last for some time, but it doesn't mean that your husband should not instill in his son what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. If things don't improve at all, then you all perhaps need to sit down together and discuss the fact that everyone is unhappy with the way things are, and how can you resolve it together.
If you still feel like you need further support on how to handle your situation maybe it would be helpful to visit a counsellor on your own first of all. I know a few people who have used St. Johns Counsellors, who are very friendly and come highly recommended.
Good luck!
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Loyd Grossman - "If I were Cynical1 I would stay out of the situation and let his dad handle everything."
I could agree with that statement to a certain extent, unfortunately, the husband doesn't seem to be doing a very good job of it right now, does he?
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Agree with 99% of what Sapphire says. I wouldn't do anything to antagonise him such as only cooking for you and your husband but not him as it is not your responsibility. But I still would avoid any discussion that involves the step-mum. Polite behaviour has to be enforced by the father and if he is not doing it then you should reassess the father not the child.
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teme
14 yrs ago
Hi, again
As I said before I have been in this situation.
To the original post.... I have to suggest that one never ASKS such a child to do anything.....say things like "it would be helpful if you could ..." or "I would really like it if you ..." Never give a direct order 'cos the step son can always say NO and then what will you do? One of my phrases became "your Father said you were to do xy and z so I suggest you do (hubby was normally at work).
This situation is never easy, however I believe behaving as an adult all the time is the key. ie don't shout and scream like the teenager. Show that you deserve respect as opposed to demanding it....set the example.
Also I have to highly recommend that you have some regular YOU time, meaning that at a certain time, maybe every week, you go out and leave them to it, that means that Dad has to deal with the friend who has suddenly come to stay, the PE kit that can't be found etc...and he has to deal with it even if he has a late meeting
ie make him (Dad) responsible.
Also ..I wish you luck
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Thank you all for your advice....
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Oh yes I can relate! Sending you a PM...
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cynical1 ... I have replied to your PM
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First off, it seems like the father hasnt done his job yet. He should, before you all move in together, told and explained to the son why he and his ex-wife divorced, why he needs to get a new partner in life, etc.
Second, you are not the boy's mother, so just be a friend. A friend who offers love for a friend-child bec he is still your husband's son.
You and your husband do not need to fight bec of the boy, but he needs to understand now than some more years later, when his teen hormones start kicking in and it would be much harder for any one of u to control him.
Find the right time and sit together to discuss this issue with the boy. He just needs to understand things right. Your husband not wanting to punish the child is normal out of guilt. so u cannot blame him. But it is his priority and job to make his son understand whats happening.
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