Posted by
Bica
14 yrs ago
I met a guy six months ago. We live in different cities but he visits at times. Both of us have a busy lifestyle and travel internationally for business. I was not sure what he had in mind when we met. I believe he felt good about me as he kissed me goodbye at the end of our first meeting.
We emailed each other on and off, tried to meet again but our travelling schedules made things difficult. We managed to make it to dinner a few months later. It was good to catch up but there was no spark. Slowly we emailed each other more often. We have at least a message a day now.
Two weeks ago, we managed to catch up again. We seemed to have got much closer. We ended up spending the night together although not engaging into full sex. The next morning, we waived goodbye and got back to each other's busy lifestyle. It sounded casual but neither of us were looking for casual sex. We simply hit at that moment.
We get back to where we were. We email each other everyday. Our conversation seems to go deeper into personal stuffs but really not much has changed. Sometimes I tell him about my feelings. His response would be "Thanks for telling me." and that is. He would not address to my feelings. He does not talk about his. He gives me no compliments. I have men telling me that I am attractive very often but I get not a single word from him. He is such a perfect gentleman that he does not flirt at all. He is calm all the time, even in bed.
He has a highly stressful job as he is in the finance sector. He does not have much time for a personal life. He is a nice fellow to get along with but does not really have a sense of humour. I think I can make use of some opinions, particularly from men. Would a man be attracted but not knowing how to tell his feelings ?
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It sounds like you have the start of an intimate friendship. Where you can talk to each other about anything. Perhaps the physical distance (location wise) has helped this. It may be you never become lovers, but become true friends. I have had a few relationships like this in the past, that started as romantic interest but never went anywhere, however developed into a strong confidant type of freindship. This came in useful on the days when one really feels like crap.
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I have to say that I too have to question his attraction to you, whatever the reason...
We could be wrong...
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Something is wrong here - there is something that's troubling him and stopping him from going all the way - both emotionally & physically.
The most obvious examples might be -
- he is married
- he is gay
but it could be something else, e.g. he's still suffering from a recent breakup.
good luck.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
Thanks guys, for the opinions. It just confirms my thoughts that something is not right.
He is not gay for sure. We have discussed about this. He is not married either. He has been separated for years. Whether he still misses his ex, I do not know.
I tend to believe that we are having an intimate friendship. Why would a man want that instead of looking for a full relationhship. Both of us have a past and do not want to rush into anything. I do not mind to be in what we are having. My only concern is the longer we hang in there, the deeper it is going to hurt when one of us wants to pull out.
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Separated for years..... and what happened next, in his personal/intimate life? Nothing?...
I wonder what his last relationship was like. How it went, how it ended and why... Has he discussed it at all?
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Yes, I think that's her point: she fells there's something not right there. Trust your intuition.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
rititt, you nail the situation. I keep telling myself not to have plans and expectation. I know his priority is not a woman. It is his work. Yet, I cannot understand why he brought me to bed without giving me a single word of appreciation. I think I am dealing with my ego here.
When I first met him, he was on the bottom of my list. I was seeing and talking to other men. He was not a very interesting one. He was persistent in coming back to me, so the friendship started to build.
Dating between us is difficult because of distance and work. It may be another three months before we can see each other again. I can fly to where he lives but do not want to do that. I do not want to give him pressure. I do not want myself to think further than what we have now.
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a) He has an odd personality
b) You are not mad about him
c) Dating is difficult
d) He is not keen on a relationship or not keen on you
e) You are suspicious
Don't try to force it because you got to the bottom of your list, dump the robot and get a new list.
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I have 2 feelings just reading your initial and last post:
1- he may very well be already commited elsewhere.
2- his lack of deep interest in you, which you don't seem to be used to, is triggering more motivation on your part to get him interested.
I don't feel that this relationship is starting too well, on both sides.
just my opinion, of course.
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As opposed to the majority views here, I am quite optimistic about his feelings for you.
To answer your question: Yes, I think there are dullsvilles who are weak in expressing inner self. Then tell a uptight man by his action, not his words. Imagine the headaches suffered in coming up a time that works for two hectic schedules? Seemed at least he made an effort and the story reminded me of the movie "Up in the Air" by the way.
Next who busy folk would bother to maintain "at least a message a day now", with a person in far distance with whom just to meet only once or twice over a couple of months without love feelings? In my usual situation, I would be like totally disappeared and no one hearing from me when I fly out, even for weeks.
Calm in bed........How old is he? Perhaps the fact is very few sex genius do exist out there? (Though 99.99% of men think they are ;P). Damn stressful job could be a reason. My current highly demanding (but meaningful and fun) job made me too exhausted to talk sometimes, while reading threads on this forum becomes my good source of amusement now...... :(
It's the long distance and busy lifestyles between you both make things really difficult to work out.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
The chapter is certainly not closing. We are still emailing each other a message a day. I know that I cannot expect a message from him when he travels. He will need to get access to email to talk to me. He will not do SMS.
Both of us are our 40s. We are no kids and know what we are doing. We are not not sex driven. We were both unprepared for the encounter. I was the one who hesitated to go into full sex, not him. I found him extremely calm but he might have behaved out of respect.
I have just got done with a fun guy. The fun guy gave me a lot of laughter but became difficult when he was not in the mood. It took so much energy and was leading nowhere that I decided to break away. I paid him little attention when the fun guy was around. I had a policy of not asking but answering. His persistancy made me discovered the good sides about him, that he is kind-hearted and full of life. He is not boring to be with. He is so passionate about life that his priorities would be work, a swim, a biatholon, tennis, ski or seving in a soup kitchen before a woman can come in.
I feel comfortable with what we have. I have a very traumatic past. I am not ready for a move-in relationship so we might meet somewhere at this point. I guess my concern is still why he can be so cool with me. I am used to men giving me credits. Am I that georgeous ? No. Every woman will have something to sell and it is all about packaging. I am lucky enough to be one of those women who knows how to highlight what I have. I have refused a dozen of men who wanted to bring me to bed. Why am I going to bed with one who does not seem to value me as he should ? It is hard for me to reason this out.
Guys, you have been inspirational. I was hesitating if I should post and I am glad that I did. We, women, think differently. My girlfriends were all amazed when I said to them that I just kissed the guy goodbye without asking when we would meet again. I felt like not having a point to ask. He will come back if he is
interested. If he is not, why should I be bothered ?
The distance is one obstacle but could be an advantage. Both of us have the ability to travel if we want to but I guess we just enjoy the slow pace.
Once a guy says to me that a woman is sexy whenever she feels she is sexy. I cannot agree with it more. I know I feel sexy when a guy appreciates me. I am not getting this from him. I enjoy being with him and I just wonder what is missing. Why wouldn't he say "you look pretty". like most guys do ?
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sicn
14 yrs ago
It is the game of hunter and prey.
.....Both of you are playing it cool. He knows you are probably used to getting compliment from guys, so why play the same game?
.....He is emtional not available to you. But if you are to him, he wouldnt mind....
.....He is probably very experienced with women. So much that physical game is not as much fun as mind game....
My take on this is as long as you are still enjoying, play along. But dont bet anything on it.
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He really sounds like a tremendously skilled lover, as sicn says, very experienced with women. He's way ahead in the game. Try to read what you've written from a detached perspective and see what comes out from between the lines.
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Bica
It sounds like the two of you are on a different page. This is not a good starting point. A good relationship is based on mutuality.
Sure he messages you, but is this just lonliness?
My suggestion is that you don't invest too much emotional energy in this relationship. If it happens all well and good, if it doesn't then it doesn't. But if you invest too much in it, it will hurt, and cause stress that was avoidable.
Keep an eye open for other fish.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
I do not think he is playing mind game. Is he lonely ? I think so. I do not feel that we are in a relationship. I can feel the attraction when we are together but not on how we are getting along. And, yes, I am worried that I might get hurt if I hang around too long.
Yesterday he said he would be extremely busy for a couple of months. I see it as a sign of him disappearing. This has happened before. He disappeared and then came back. I did not care in the past. I have started to care now. Stupid me !
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"Yesterday he said he would be extremely busy for a couple of months. I see it as a sign of him disappearing. This has happened before."
I thought you liked his persistence?
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I have not had many relationships in the past, mostly because I was able to detect the "red flags" and avoid the land-mines.
I just don't get the feeling that he is ready to focus on anything but him, but that when he is with you he might be able to forget that. I get the feeling that you are maybe not much more than a distraction for him.
I hope I am wrong, but if you aren't in a relationship, and it doesn't feel like a relationship then I say move on. Enjoy your options and explore. If it is meant to be it will happen, and when it does you can decide then if you want to go further.
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Bica: red flags, yes, many... and you know it, because you are the one who wrote them here...
you haven't said anything about any relationship he may have had/have since being "separated several years ago". is it because you two haven't discussed this important element?
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Bica
14 yrs ago
I posted because I smelt things were not exactly right. It is really helpful to get comments from the male's perspective. I am not obsessed with him yet. I can become obsessed so I want to get opinions before I make a move.
What a waste ! Judging from the input, I have very little chance to break through the emotional gap. He is a great guy to keep as a friend. I hope I can do that.
I have got a few fish in my tank. It seems to be time to pep talk with another one.
Just to fill the missing details in here, I did not ask him questions because I did not want to sound like a desperate woman who needed to tie a man down. I do believe that he is sincere and not playing mind game. He has a lot of stress from work. I do not think he is with another woman. My question is how interest he is to get a woman. He is certainly not gay.
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He may be interested to get a woman. When the right one comes along he will know. It just sounds like the right one has not come along yet.
On a tangent, one of the guys back home. I know many middle aged bacherlors who have never married. Not gay, not missfits, not mummies boys, not unattractive physically, and not players either. All have dated, but never found the right fit.
Some people are driven to be with someone, others are not.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
rititt, I know about this so I ask no questions. He did tell me about his past. He said he has not had a relationship for years because he is so busy. He wouldn't need to tell a lie to please me. In fact, my problem is he has never said anything to please me.
I thought he was going to disappear but he hasn't yet. I still have mail from him everyday. He is a great guy to be a friend with but he does not seem to be emotionally available for me. I think he feels comfortable with me because I give no pressure and push for nothing. We are on no plans - not knowing when we will meet again and not planning to do anything together. I have a feeling that we can go for years like this. The funny thing is I feel comfortable. I am talking to a few other guys as I do not want to get too much into him. I seem to be happy to keep things status quo.
My girlfriends are all saying that I am wasting time. They try to give advice and want me to push forward. I know I will ruin the whole thing as soon as I push. Why waste this friendship when I am still enjoying it ? I might act differently in the future when I get fed up.
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Dear Bica,
If you lived in the same place as him and were able to see him on a very regular basis, this problem might be resolved more readily.Sadly, I think there are a lot of warning signs there-he appears to be emotionally unavailable, doesn't have a great sense of humour( I don't know about you, but I personally think that this is very important)he hasn't had a relationship for years because he's so busy...Can you somehow start to see him as a friend and pursue other dating opportunities? That might put this man in perspective.You might want to keep him as a friend, but am not sure that it sounds like this relationship has great romantic potential.
You say that you feel like you could go on like this for years-DON'T do this if you really want a proper relationship.We all have friends that we e-mail- perhaps he'll come into this category.You sound like a nice woman, you deserve a bit better that a distant man like this.
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Bica,
Would a man be incapable of telling his feelings? If the answer is yes are you interested in him still? He is distant emotionally and distant physically. Do you think you can change him at 40?
If he is capable of telling his feelings but cannot be bothered even in bed then are you still interested?
Are you just plain curious about his character? The way I read it, he is not into you and does not want to encourage any emotion from you.
Now just leave it before you are hooked and heartbroken.
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I don't want to try and second guess what the guy's motives are. But everyone is different, and maybe it's just not part of his personality to dish out compliments. (You already said that he is respectful, so maybe he thinks dishing out compliments is too frivolous.) Anyway, the point I want to make is that, if you are the kind of person who needs to be complimented constantly, then you should make sure whether he can fullfil this need before you get too involved with him.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
The focus of discussion seems to have shifted to what I need. I had never imagined I would hit with a dull guy. I always chose to be with men who can make me laugh and make me cry. It is not just about compliments. I am a deep thinker. I need to be able to connect emotionally.
Perhaps the truth is I have not recovered from my past and I never will. I do not envision myself building a life with a man again. I have my love of a lifetime. I am a widow. All I need is just companionship. He does not offer much but it seems to be just right for me.
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What????
"I am a deep thinker. I need to be able to connect emotionally....
He does not offer much but it seems to be just right for me. "
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I agree with Tinyteddy, when reading what you write, Bica, I find a little disturbing the apparent contradiction between what you express about him and what he is (it is not such a great portrait, but you are the one describing him), and the feelings you seem to have for him...
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agree ahacha, she seems to have feelings for him but also knows he is not right
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Bica
14 yrs ago
Yes, it is a feeling. Somebody told me earlier that relationship is not about where someone should be but where someone wants to be. However, if he is not really attracted to me, I cannot hang around for long.
I have very constructive comments from everybody in here. I guess I know where I stand. Thanks to all !
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WHEN A MAN IS IN LOVE, HE WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW HE LIKES YOU, LOVES YOU, SPEND TIME WITH YOU.
HE IS NOT IN LOVE RIGHT NOW, BUT YES, HE WANTS SEX IN YOUR PART OF THE CITY.
WE ALL KNOW HOW A MAN IN LOVE WOULD ACT, RIGHT? WE ARENT BORN YESTERDAY.
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Did you take an irritable pill when you woke up this morning, Veebee?
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Veebee
Writing in all block caps is considered SHOUTING on forums. This is perhaps part of why lucylinda posted her comment about irritable pills.
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Yes, that's it.There's a way of making a point and explaining your opinion and I don't think Veebee did that very well.People come here for advice- you're entitled to be honest, but doing so in a constructive and polite way and not SHOUTING is essential.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
We seem to be making progress. Conversations have become more frequent and heart-felt. He is planning to come back. As usual, it will be a business trip of multiple cities but at least he juggles to come in to see me.
The whole issue about him not complimenting me reflected my insecurity. I was worried about the attraction between us. I am conservatively confident now.
The comments I have received here have been very useful. It is interesting to see how men and women think in different directions.
I want to thank sexyboop and lucylinda particularly. You are encouraging.
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Compliments are a funny thing.
When I first started dating my (now) wife, she got very insecure when I told her she was beautiful. She was worried about what would happen as her looks faded with age. The reason is that her first husband ran off with a young girl.
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http://www.life123.com/relationships/communication/signs-attraction/signs-that-say-hes-just-not-into-you.shtml
The Emotional Signs
You've been dating for at least 6 months. He still can't say he loves you or wants to talk about his feelings in regards to you. If you have a guy who is constantly telling you that he does not love you, is not in love with you, is not sure how he feels and does not see a future with you after the 6 month mark, believe him. I feel that is a good marker of time for him to know where he sees this going and if he is developing strong feelings for you or loves you. When a guy is into you, he'll want to let you know how he feels when he is sure that you feel the same way. If he can't do that, start re-assessing what you are still doing with him.
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I like what April has to say about compliments- it's nice to feel appreciated for what you are, and it is a way of showing your love / feelings.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
Just want to give an update here.
I am moving along well with him. We managed to meet again. We spent 18 hours together. That was all we could afford until the next time we meet. The time we had was short but it brought us closer. I can confirm his interest on me now.
My instinct was right. He does not know how to talk about his feelings. He has slowly revealed himself to me. I still do not have a single word of compliment from him but it is fine. I am not after flattery words but sincerity in a man. I have never been with a man who is so conservative before. I still would not say if this is going to work but, at least, my confusion is cleared.
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