My ex and I separated and divorced 15 years ago.
She still hates me so much she won't speak with me.
Suggestions please.
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Did you have children together?
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If not, I wonder why you are so interested in getting her to feel positive about you.
In fact, whether you have kids or not, I still wonder.
Now, my guesses (can only be guesses as we have no clue regarding your story together): I am tempted to think that you have somewhere in yourself some guilt about what happened between you two.
And that she still holds grudges against you because she was never allowed to vent her anger properly, i.e. to be listened to, AND heard, about whatever she may have been deeply hurt about. It is much easier to let go of the anger when somebody who did something hurtful, opens him(her)self to hearing the criticism/pain/anger of the hurt one and admits to his(her) fault with genuine humility.
It would then make sense to me that you cannot get over it yourself, with some kind of unfinished business.
If that makes any sense... one option might be then to write a letter of admission on your responsibility of whatever is still unsolved.
I'm sure many other posters will have other ideas, and I'll be happy to read them too, as it is an interesting subject.
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You are partially correct.
Yes, she has grudges against me and I have guilt.
I have tried writing but she won't speak with me even after 15 years.
She is Japanese.
Any suggestions welcome.
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I reckon she figures she has already wasted enough time on you. Fifteen years ago, multi-cultural marriage was something of a novelty and I'm sure her family would not have taken that lightly. No doubt she lost face by marrying a gaijin and let's not underestimate the seriousness of that in another culture, such as Japan. It's not like in Australia, where you can go around to someone's and their ex and kids and current partner, and their ex and kids are all enjoying a friendly barbecue!
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The real question is, why do you want to communicate with her? Will this ease your guilt if she does?
You really have not provided many of the details, which I am sure are private, however, there could be dozens of legitimate resouns why she does not speak with you and conversely dozens more that may be not so legit, but the initial information given was sketchy.... so hard to really say "how to get your ex to stop hating you"
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She is Japanese.
I think she feels I betrayed her by discussing her health problems with her mother. Apart from that I wasn't able to provide well enough financially. I couldn't meet promises for holidays and the like.
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What do you want us to suggest? I think after nearly a decade and a half of her still not wanting to communicate with you it's time you moved on, and probably should have done years ago.
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I thank you all for your advice. I think there is nothing I can do and with this thread closed or locked.
Once again, thank you all.
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I thank you all for your advice. I think there is nothing I can do and with this thread closed or locked.
Once again, thank you all.
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I absolutely agree with Lurcher.
I don't know what you are expecting from her.
Why would you still want to be in contact after all these years, why would you want her to like/appreciate you?
She may very well feel that you're harrassing her by still attempting contact (I know I would, if I feel I want that person out of my life -which she clearly does).
The mere persistance in trying to stay/get back in touch can only prevent her from finding peace regarding whatever she was hurt about, and would only systematically reinforce her anger.
For her to stop actively hating you -assuming she does- you should just leave her alone... for good.
But you might need some help for yourself to let go and mive on, because you have kept her in your life all these years, symbolically (correct word?) speaking, and you are the one for whom it's going to be hardest from now on. You need to move on and stop feeding her resentment. Best for her, best for you.
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SHE IS NO LONGER ANGRY WITH YOU; SHE HAS MOVED ON. MEANING, GOT A NEW MAN IN HER LIFE AND SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU. SHE MADE A MISTAKE 15 YEARS AGO, AND SHE IS HAPPY NOW. IF SHE IS STILL SINGLE AND DESPERATE, YES, SHE WILLL REPLY TO YOU AND TELL YOU ALL IS FORGIVEN.
YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, HASNT GONE FAR ENOUGH AFTER ALL 15 YEARS. CANOT EVEN FIND A WOMAN WHO WOULD LOVE YOU BECAUSE U R STILL IN YOUR OWN RUIN. AND YOU WANT HER TO COME BACK TO YOU? HELL NO.
GO ONLINE AND FIND SOME MIDDLE AGED DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR LOVE WOMEN!
SHE NEEDS YOUR LOVE; ANY MAN'S LOVE, FOR THAT MATTER!
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People who have moved on are generally willing to talk, but lack the motive to do so. In this case. we're told she is unwilling to speak - it's more likely she is still bitter at being "betrayed". Unfortunately, some people chose to remain bitter all their lives, no matter what because it allows them shift blame for all their own faults & failings to someone else.
Are there children involved ? If not, I am not sure why you need to seek the approval of a bitter middle aged woman who was probably a gold digger (given her complaint about $).
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I in fact agree with veebabe that it is very likely (I hope for her), that she no longers hates you but has moved on, whether she has a man in her life or not, and probably just ignores your attempts to contact her...?
We can only guess, anyway, and I'm not familiar with whatever cultural aspects might also be involved...
Do you have kids together?
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My reasons for getting back in touch were, I just wondered if we could talk as friends after all these years. It seems you are all correct, she has moved on and has no need to speak with me.
Please consider this thread closed.
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merm
14 yrs ago
May i say one little thing? It might shed light on why she doesn't want to talk. You mentioned guilt so i'm assuming cheating, and if she feels there's nothing in the world that can undo the cheating and the damage, then even as time passes, you're still at the same post-cheating point. Did you apologise enough and by that i mean way more than what you felt was enough?
I'm fond of all my exes but i don't speak to all of them and one of the reasons is that i don't want to rekindle anything with them.
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ChrisRoseHK. I think in most cases - at least where there are no kids - there would be very little chance of the former partner wanting to do that for the simple reason they don't want to rekindle old relationships. Your best chance is to do nothing I'm afraid or at the very most send her your contact details and tell her you are there for her if she needs you. However, she may call you in 5 years time when you have a new girlfriend and then it would be problematic. Let it go.
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OK this thread ends here.
There were no children. She was suffering from emotional problems and was repeatedly attempting self harm. The betrayal was I told her mother in the hope this would stop her from trying to kill herself.
I came across some old pictures of her and I a couple of months ago and wondered how we might both have changed over the years. After all this time if she were still alive I assumed she had probably sought counciling.
I forwarded my contact information in the hope that she would be better and just have a simple chat with me. I have had no response.
As some posters here have suggested, she probably hates me with every fibre of her being and has moved on.
I shall cease attempts to contact her.
END of THREAD please?
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