quitting, taking a break or giving another go?

Hi All,

I met my husband 10 yrs ago in my MA class. We lived together 5 yrs, married 5 yrs and have 5 yrs old daughter. We used to live in the UK, didn't have much money but it was ok as we never know the different. The crack starts since we got our jobs and moved to HK 3 yrs ago.

About him: He's naturally half empty glass person (which I thought wasn't a bad thing as he always prepare for the worse). He used to be more active but since last year he was work loaded and, once at home, will lay down lifeless at the sofa and let tv watch him till midnight. He will cycling and running from time to time when I nag him so. He wanted to start his business but it never took off. However, as a dad, I've to hand it to him. He's doting dad.

About me: I'm a positive person. I'm climbing up my career ladder and doing fair well since I'm in HK. I want to start my own business as soon as I can. I'm not perfect but I'm trying to do something with my life, like going to gym, swimming, and trying to start my business alongside my full-time work. I am a strict mom but also like act more like a friend to my daughter.

What happened is: I feel like both of us have nothing in common anymore apart from sharing our daughter. It's like we are growing apart in two different directions. I found that he's no longer the one that I chose 10 yrs ago. (in fact, I chose him because he came to me first and I thought nothing's wrong with him. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, being honest so why not?) Sex is the same, same foreplay, same position, same result. I didn't have sex with him for more than half a year now because I can't force myself doing that with him when the feeling is not there anymore. It's at the stage that I have to go out walking around or do whatever activities outside when he's at home.

I wanna start my own business badly and did a website promoting my work. His reaction when he saw my website was that, now my webpage is done so hopefully I will get back and be "normal" again. It was a hurtful comment from someone who is so close to me. And by now, the door that he used to open for me, the bags that he used to carry, cards for birthday (I've to beg him for my present every year) or even surprise gift like flowers are also long gone too.

Another issue is, around 6 mths ago, there is this guy (6 yrs younger) paying attention to me more than co-worker. He is very helpful and more mature than his age. There is nothing physically happen between us, just that I knew we have these feeling toward each other. This doesn't mean that I'll jump from my husband to this guy. There are many factors to be consider doing like that and I have enough issue with my marriage already. This guy knew the line and he's back off at the moment. However, we still communicate and the feeling is clear.

The important thing is, these guy made me realized that I am still "wanted" somewhere. There are still people out there who excited about me being me. There are still many thing in the world I wanted to do and I'm wanna see them, do them.

For my husband, he's still no drink, no smoke, come home on time, no cheating. But am not sure now if these made me a happy jolly person (some wives might wish all these though..). I'm not looking for a perfect husband but someone who will grow old with me in the same direction, see the same thing in life. My mom said I should put up with it so I will have someone who stay with me when I'm getting old. My friends said be honest with myself, life is too short and I can't live like this forever.

Should I go to marriage councillor (I can try but I'm not fancy him anymore), have a break - move out for a while and sort my feeling (but if I realized that's what I want I might never move back) or quit it and do an adult talk with my husband how to share responsibility on my daughter?

Thank you for all your opinion.

tough one: my suggestion is to go on a 3 week holiday alone, think things through and understand what you are really missing from him and how important that is in your life, then return and put these things to him in clear words that a man can understand and at the same time state that you will seek a temporary separation if he doesn't change.


then either he changes or you move on

Some reading that you may find useful (reading itmight be easier before deciding to seek help or not).

oops, forgot the link:

http://books.google.com.hk/books?id=WHM8fUVtpE0C&printsec=frontcover&dq=I+love+you+but+I'm+not+in+love+with+you&source=bl&ots=AA0J60rJgk&sig=WFg1bjBRhmbGbl1_OqdVYntb2As&hl=en&ei=WgkfTPTPCci6cbHy6fIM&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CB0Q6AEwAg#v=onepage&q&f=false

cookie09: many thanks for your advice. I had a week holiday at Easter and it becomes clear that I love living my own life without him. The downside was I missed my daughter terribly. However, it's true I need to clarify with myself 1st before confront him. I said a bit about my feeling 1.5 mths ago though and he seems shocked but nothing change that much. He may think it comes and will goes..

ahacha: many thanks for your link. I'm reading it now. I hope it helps more or less.

cookie09: many thanks for your advice. I had a week holiday at Easter and it becomes clear that I love living my own life without him. The downside was I missed my daughter terribly. However, it's true I need to clarify with myself 1st before confront him. I said a bit about my feeling 1.5 mths ago though and he seems shocked but nothing change that much. He may think it comes and will goes..

ahacha: many thanks for your link. I'm reading it now. I hope it helps more or less.

if he was a bit shocked but didn't change, he probably indeed thought that it's something that comes and goes. men do generally think that women have such 'phases', so i would not be too surprised about his thinking (disclaimer: i am a man).


how about buying some of the books that ahacha mentioned and leave them lying on your bed side table? ;-)

cookie09,

That was a good idea. I might try that even though I might be the one end up reading it myself. He doesn't read actually. But many thanks for your opinion.

Yes, go to marriage counselling. Perhaps your husband doesn't fully realise what's going on in your head. It wouldn't be fair to go on a holiday and think things over alone, and then come back and say - hey, I decided I'm going to leave you.


Give him a chance. You've been together 10 years and with a five-year-old daughter. So talk things through together. You may reach the same conclusion, but at least it won't be a nasty surprise to your husband and at least you'll have made some last-ditch effort.

Before doing anything really stupid think a little about how your mum and dad used to behave when you were younger. Of course things are not the same when you have put down roots and have kids - it's absurd to think they will remain like that. Marriage is different from dating. If he doesn't cheat, drink, smoke, gamble or do drugs and is a doting dad then that's a pretty good catch considering all the high jinks that go on here. Secondly, the thrill of someone chasing you is bound to be more exciting than a long-term partner who has become set in his ways. Also, if you leave the effect on your daughter could be devastating.

Also, I suspect this has more to do with the female 'trading up' angle. Is your husband in a lower paid job than you? Does this guy at work earn more, have good prospects and perhaps work out a bit more? It's just that you mentioned money fairly early on in your post. Evolution is tough to bet against; like successful men cheating.

Thanks bmiami69 and Slammy. marriage councillor is something I'm consider too. I'll give it a try if I and my husband can't communicate directly with each other.

LGisMV: I knew that my husband is not bad at all compare to other guys out there, and believe me, I do love my daughter dearly so I take this issue very serious. However, my parents were separated years ago too and I'm the living proof that the children who grown up from not-so-perfect families are doing just fine too. And I can assure you that the issue that I'm facing now is not the effect from my childhood. From what I see, good parents are not necessarily always to be good husband and wife and vice versa. These are separate issues and the roles are different. We can not choose whom we will born with but we can choose to make our life the way we want. So in a way, every children are different and if these happen to them it might effect some more, some less and some might just be fine. My dad and mom are no longer love each other but they still love me dearly and they are always spend time with me or always listen to my problems and I think that counts. It doesn't mean that I will def quit but if it's unavoidable then that might be.

Back to the topic again. I think you might be right that I got some thrill from someone chasing me but this problem is occur before these guy step in so I don't think the core problem is from him. It's between my husband and I. And no, my husband is earning more than me and this guy at work. If you talk about "trading up" I think I can totally bypass this salary issue because I am financially independent enough. The reason I mentioned about money at the 1st place because my husband keeps saying that when we didn't have much money we were happy more than we are now (now we have good pay jobs + saving + well provide for our daughter) and he wish to go back and live like that time again. The thing is, that was 10 yrs ago, things changed, ppl changed and we can not endlessly yearn for the good old days.

LGisMV, I take your point and many thanks for your honest opinion. I just had a serious talk with my husband last night and I believe he still has a lot to catch up more with me later on. I'll keep you post.

Awww, when we all had less money we were happier, everyone likes to talk about the good old days and how money ruined everything.


Truth is, you simply aren't attracted to the guy anymore. He's probably not that hot about you either, I mean, who stays quiet when their wife doesn't give them sex for 6 months? I think, its not merely a you attracted to him thing, it takes two hands to clap, but no doubt he is happy to get any, even if its from the same woman he has been getting it from for the last 9.5 years. He probably grew up thinking that being a good husband, good provider and a good father meant something, who can blame him. He married a woman he loved and one who used to sleep with him. The fact he doesn't cheat doesn't mean he is happy, as no doubt you have noticed from his comments that you seem are hurtful, but you haven't thought about how unwanted you have made him feel either.


So lets stop talking about him and make this a bunch of sentences that begin with the word "I want".


Therein you will find your answer. If you want to bin your marriage, and let me tell you, doing the co-parent after divorce thing, its not a walk in the park.


Be honest with yourself, and yeah, your friends will all say "life is too short" blah blah, but you are the one who will have to divorce a decent man, you are the one who will have to become an ideal co-parent and you are the one who will have to live with the decision you are making about all the "people to do!" out there.


You are right, people change...people grow apart...and people, if they know what they want, will be able to move on and have no regrets. Someone always gets hurt when a relationship ends, it might not be you, most likely it will be him, but at least be sure of what you want and why you want it...that should ensure your kid will grow up feeling secure despite a split, if it happens. Good Luck.

Sounds like another women looking for the 'perfect' relationship whilst all normal level headed people know that such a thing does not exist.


Suggest you go off and 'discover yourself' and then realize what a fool you have been and come back to the real world.


Life is not a bowl of cherries.

Good spotting there beancurd. I have to say, I agree with beancurd here. Consider yourself lucky! One of my siblings is married to a drunk who beats her and she can't seem to get out of the vicious cycle of things because with two kids and financially being all up in that hell hole, she's kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.


Yep, it could be a lot worse, you are one of the lucky few. I think someone earlier mentioned counselling...it might not be a bad idea.