hi..i've been with this guy for nearly a year now. he's ten years older than me. we met online. on third date he was telling me he was looking for long term serious relationship. good. i thought. coz the last guy i was with turned out to be a mfcheatingsob. anyhow.
he's really stressed and hypertense all the time. in first six months i got very upset coz he rarely had the time for me. his actions don't go with his words about wishing to develop a serious relationship-coz most of the time he didn't even want to see me much due to his frikking job.
increasingly he becomes more and more critical: he criticizes everything about me, from my hair, my body shape, my a** too big, my clothes, my boring shoes(i'm not into heels). and of course, sex is bad and he makes sure that i know about it but sometimes i want to do it and improves on it but then he refuses to have sex with me. not to say how much it hurts me.
he s got so much sh*t on his mind about his work he never bothers to listen when i talk about my work. i tried to be a good listener, try on new clothes, put on makeup. then it's still never enough- he criticizes me for being inactive- i like reading whether it's books, internet or newspaper. he criticizses me for not doing enough about the housework, then if i do A, he'll find B or say i didn't do A well but doesn't tell me how to do it. i ask him what he wants me to do or if you want me to do this then he says nothing but then he blames me for not doing it.
when he looks at me it's so intimidating.
he does have some good points- caring for example. emotionally i'm more independent but he's the opposite: he expects me to make him happy which i'm trying but he still finds me inadequate.
both of us have brought up about breaking up.
i'm exhausted, i've cried so many times and he just says i don't listen and i was overreacting.
i don't know what i can do.
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- the guys an a**ehole, who is emotionally abusive
- is he really "caring"? i care for a lump of turd more than he does for you
- you sound like a battered wife (you feel you can;'t do better than this scumbag because he has made you feel so worthless - now you believe it already)
- you need to leave him asap (probably what he wants anyway, but he is not man enough to say it, or is such a sadist that he loves tormenting you)
what exactly do you see in this guy? i re-read your whole post and i can't find anything good about him... does he look like Brad Pitt? is there a major disparity between your financial situations?
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ditch him already. sounds like a horrible guy.
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This is what you can do, ditch this one and find someone who will appreciate you. Problem solved.
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You don't need this man in your life. It would be better to be alone. That kind of constant criticism will wear you down and eventually you will start to believe he is right. At that point you will have lost your self respect and your sense of identity.
This is an abusive relationship, mentally abusive. Get out.
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gee...funny, i dated a girl who criticized me for a few things...alegedly being overweight (I run between 8 and 10 MILES a day), called me a "sizest" whatever THAT means...But she on the other hand was a cellulite queen on her big fat A**
..she only lasted 3 dates before i dumped her sorry ass...
So...moral is...dump the chump
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With all the details you write here, you sound perfectly conscious that this is an abusive relationship, and you're not the abuser...
We all know that this kind of relationship cannot change, maybe only get worse...
Everybody will tell you here, and I add my vote, that you have no choice but get out, this is not love.
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Thanks everyone for your advice.
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Sounds like you both expect too much. I would suggest finding someone your own age.
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well..something hit me...there're bigger issues in the picture..his hypercriticalness are just excuses or something.. i donno-guts tell me he's done something on the other side but i ain't looking into it coz he ain't worth my reckoning
so move.on org people~
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It's quite likely he is dissatisfied with his own life, and rather than take responsibility for himself and fix his problems, he is taking it out on you.... Of course, he might have started another relationship, and this is his way of signalling to you his intent to stray unless you change. BUT in either case, my advice will be the same as most of the others - find someone else !
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Thank you for the encouragement. yes my instinct was true. i found out he recently proposed to another girl. i nearly had my asthma attack.
then i confronted him. he confessed everything. Said he used that 'marriage proposal' to "finish a chapter of his life'. i mean wtf.
i asked what happened if the girl had said yes, he said he didn' know.
then he wants me back. i ask what will happen if she suddenly pops up again, he said "nothing."
it's too hard to digest. he's crazy. this is too much..
he's a german btw. does it change anything? are german guys usually this impatient?
yes i still have feelings for him, otherwise i would have dropped out of it by now. i don't know how to deal with this. i'm still incredibly hurt.
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has nothing to do with german. he's just an idiot
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Being German has nothing to do with it.
Being an emotionally insecure, imature, selfish, inconsiderate a** has every thing to do with it.
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Please don't continue this relationship as you will definitely get hurt again. This man is very selfish & of bad character. You shouldn't waste your time on him. Aren't you glad that you are not married to him yet, otherwise it would be more complicated.
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Well, after you found out he already proposed to someone else, I don't know how you could even contemplate staying with him. If that woman had said yes, that would have been the last you'd have seen of him, but luckily for her, she saw what an a** he is and declined. So before he finds someone else and dumps you, you should dump him first and at least hang on to your self respect.
Oh, and I don't think it's related to him being German, but do you really want someone who wears socks under their sandals anyway?
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This revelation suggests it's a relationship of convenience for him, and he's really not happy with you, and willing to consider other options when they come along. Even if you patch things up, who is to say that next time the other girl won't accept his proposal ?
Earlier I'd suggested you end it. I stand by that, but since you still have feelings for him I will say this ... if you want to continue, then at the very least, you had better play hard to get.
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Fixer
14 yrs ago
MK, the way you described him in the OP makes him sound like the opposite of caring for you or did you mean he's caring with others? Is there anything he likes about you?
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honestly, i think this guy is not worth your efforts, time and concern. you should move on and break yourself away from him. babe, you deserve better.
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Just leave. Don't waste your life with someone who makes you unhappy.
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KoMo
14 yrs ago
I'm sorry but remind me again why you are with this man? From your posts it sounds like you despise him. Are you a glutton for punishment? Time to say good bye and start looking after yourself. Life is too short to waste time with someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated.
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if a man does not respect u ... he is not worth it ...
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The other night i couldn't stop from crying while sleeping next to him..i just couldn't control but to cry.
Anyhow, but i'm trying to forgive, and i finally understand why- not only do i still have feelings for him, but also trying to prove myself that i have the ability to feel the passion inside me by forgiving such betrayal.
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great, typical female reaction when denying the reality....wake up girl
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Cara, please calm down. Why are you so extremely agitated lately in threads? Will that help the OP here?
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I don't mind your agitation Cara. And I really appreciate the kind words and support that I have been receiving on here these days. Thank you everyone.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
It is a sad story. I have just read your story and without taking a look at others' comments.
It is not worth it. The guy is not happy with his own life and trying to take it out from you. If you have nothing to gain, why stay there ?
I can relate to your feeling of "being independent". I was emotionally unstable over a period of time and happened to meet a guy who seemed to offer me direction. He came up as a strong figure whom I felt I could depend on. Like what you are in now, his attitude changed over time and became negative on whatever I did. I tried my best to cope and to please him. It came up to a point that I felt I would not make any progress and my only option would be walking away. It was tough but I did that.
I now look back with no regret. I made the right decision. I am completely over with him and realize that I still have many great opportunities ahead.
Go free and fly, girl !
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Thank you, especially to Bica. I finally took up the courage to break up with him. I'm processing it now- no, it won't be a smooth ride. but i'll be alright. Thanks alot. :)
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It was the right decision.... soon you will be over him, and looking back and realizing that you are much happier since you got away from this relationship. good luck.
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psmac
14 yrs ago
when i read the post from km i thought this must be a german guy
and it turned out to be like that.
i hope u won'tbe afraid of all the other german guys incl. me u might meet in the future.
take care.
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Sooo proud of u!! :) U'll be fine!!!
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While you're at it, please do yourself a favour.
Learn to love yourself. Loving yourself means not letting someone who is meant to support and help you grow disrespect you and make you feel as if you're not good enough. And remember, for every painful good bye, there's another "hello" to look forward to.
Tread lightly, and good luck.
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LLH
14 yrs ago
Be strong and give yourself time to heal. It will not be easy but you know you have made the right decision. Have supportive friends around you. Time heals all wounds.....this is the start of a new life!! You go gal!
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Suggestion: no contact for a while. Allow yourself to process. in some days or weeks decide if you want to resume seeing him / talking to him. Cry, tantrum, call friends and vent, allow yourself time to regain the emotional wholeness that often gets lost as a breakup occur. review the dislikes and the likes, take care of yourself, doing things you enjoy......
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Well he sounds lovely, not. Don't be with someone that is stripping away your confidence. You're better off without him.
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Wow. Just wow.
You have probably made the best decision of you life by leaving him. European men in HK think they're god's gift to women. The arrogant wotsit probably thought you'd never leave him no matter what he did. You will find yourself feeling happier and more relaxed than you have ever felt before now you've dumped that waste of space!
Good luck with the future!
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