Posted by
ericj
14 yrs ago
My wife of 20+ years has lost interest in sex (she is 47). I've tried using my imagination, I've tried talking about it, I've tried pretending it isn't happening, but at the end of the day it is what it is.
I'm attractive and fit (as is she) but unfortunately I have the same sex drive I've had for the past two decades. The question is what are our options other than cheating or divorce?
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how about getting her permission to go outside?
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i think that you should talk to her. maybe there is something bothering her and she not dealing well with her emotions. cheating or divorce should not be part of your options at all.
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rickm
14 yrs ago
gpoing to sexologists , put her through sessions , she may be scared of se due to her childooh exprience , i do not know , u need expert advise on this , but for sure , men do need sex , if she can not provide , all options are open to u
based in Dubai
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Some sort of counselling may be needed to get to the heart of the problem
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It shocks me that so many people don't understand what many women go through and end up making suggestions that something must be bothering her, or she needs counselling, or she needs to see a sexologist, or it could be a problem with her childhood!
The woman is 47 years old, she's very likely to have reached the peri-menopause stage of her life when hormones are creating havoc, and she has possibly lost her desire for sex for the time being ... this is life ... and it's normal for many women!
Men just seem to plod along with their lives, many wanting sex just as much as a rampant teenager, and can't understand why their wives of 20+ years suddenly aren't interested in sex anymore. Men need to wise up about women and what they go through in later life. It's nothing to do with the fact that they don't love thier husband anymore, or they hate sex ... it really is something that they have no control over. So, any man (and I'm not talking about the OP) considering cheating or divorce when this situation arises, is nothing but a selfish ******!
ericj ... please be patient with you wife. If it is what I suggested, she may not want to discuss it with you ... some women feel embarrassed or upset about the fact that they have reached this stage in their life and are sometimes in denial. If you can get her to discuss it, I suggest she visits an understanding GP and explains how she feels, loss of libido, etc. They can help.
Please be patient with her.
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Sapphire makes some very fair points that I agree with.
But of course, marriage is about making both parties happy. I'm sure there are many couples out there who face this mis-match in sex drives. I think Ericj's wife should try to have some understanding about the situation that he's in... while he also needs some understanding of what she's going through.
Eric, if you are having trouble communicating with her about this - then I would suggest marriage counselling or something. You can't reach a solution with her if you can't communicate with each other about it.
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Hi
I share a similar plight. Tho my wife is only 33, she still is not very sexually-oriented. Have tried talking and everything else. It does not seem to work.
Any suggestions?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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Slammy, I do agree that in a marriage both parties need to be happy. However, you say that Ericj's wife should have some understanding about the situation that he is in ... believe me, as a woman who knows what it's like to go through this, the woman does understand and often feels really bad about the situation ... guilt and self loathing for feeling the way she does. Often, the woman still wants that intimacy with the man she loves, but she simply no longer has the desire for sex ... it does your head in!!
Do not assume that the woman doesn't know what effect it's having on her husband/marriage ... it's not something she planned to happen, and she doesn't want it to happen ... but she simply has no control over it. It's an awful thing for a woman to have to go through and it's made even worse if the husband is not patient and understanding. Just imagine how it feels being married to someone you have loved and cared for, for20+ years, and due to something which you have no control over, such as this situation (assuming that's what it is), the husband decides he can't cope without regular sex, so he ups and leaves for someone younger who has yet to reach that situaion. I'm lucky that my husband has been very understanding, but unfortunately for many women this is not the case. How some people can go through life loving someone and then abandon them when the going gets tough is beyond me.
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Sappire
If it menopause then your advice is spot on.
But it might be something else. My friend lost all interest in sex in her late 40s. In her 50s she realized that she loathed her husband. They got divorced in their 60s. She didn't/couldn't have a functional relationship with other men during her marriage or after. She is a bit of an odd bod really.
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Yes tigerbay, in this case it may well be something else. But this information still stands true for other couples out there going through similar situations, and will hopefully be helpful to any man who doesn't understand what the hell is going on with his wife. Many men haven't a clue what women have to go through in later life ... or they simply don't want to be troubled by it, after all, it's not 'their' problem! Hopefully he won't just put all the blame on the wife and bury his head in the sand ... he'll be more understanding and patient, and work through it with her.
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Sapphire
Hopefully your posting will be helpful to men. Menopause is something that is not talked about enough. It needs to be demystified.
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Absolutely tigerbay, if only people talked about it more and it wasn't such a taboo subject (even among some women!), women would be more inclined to seek help, and not simply put up with the misery that some of its effects can have on us.
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rititt, I tend to agree with you to a certain extent, which has probably surprised you, as you were no doubt thinking you would get some kind of freaky menopausal woman screeching at you. However, in this day and age, the human race tend not to act like animals ... unfortunately, there are some men who still do ... ;o)
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Very interesting points! Yes, menopause does bring about physical changes that can make sex not pleasurable for the woman anymore.
Eric - I hope you have broached the topic of "toys" with your partner. There's many things you can do together with other aids!
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good one slammy on the toys. what is it about all this pain stuff? certainly sex is a lot more than basic intercourse.
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Correct, there are many ways to have sex without full intercourse.
Another issues that can cause discomfort is dryness. KY jelly helps here. A simple remedy but if couples don't talk then you cannot find potential solutions if you don't know the problem.
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p.mason, going through the menopause does not necessarily mean never having sex again. As I said before, there is help out there for women to overcome the problems experienced. The problem is, because people still generally don't like to talk about it, many women don't seek help due to embarrassment ... a bit like when a guy can't get an erection ... they often feel embarrassed and won't talk to their partner or doctor about it, but it doesn't mean that there's not help out there.
Also, going through the menopause doesn't always mean the woman has pain during sex. It has many different effects on women. One of the worst has got to be loss of libido ... the mind says yes, but the body has no desire whatsoever. But again, there is still help out there for women experiencing this.
So, in answer to p.mason's question, "Is the other party to kiss goodbye to sex forever?" ... Simply put, "No."
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Ishihara, the Gov. of Tokyo suggested that women of that age should be "put down" like sick animals. He's pretty far out there, but gives you a picture of how sympathetic some men are on the issue of menopause. sorry.
Due to testosterone men have a very strong desire for sex; to the point where older men would rather risk death from Viagra that stop. Put men on a farm and they violate animals, put them in a prison, they violate each other. No point blaming men for being like this, any more than blaming women for being menopausal - both are victims of their hormones.
So while female hormones turn ladies off at certain times, men are pretty much permanently turned on. As a couple, the hormonal differences are very real... not much you can do about it... somehow you need counselling to work thru these issues.
Good Luck.
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This is timely.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/38290281#38290281
I hope the link works, it is an A to Z of menopause
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Nuri
14 yrs ago
It's funny that as soon as it is a woman who does not want sex, then the "public diagnosis" is menopause, childbirth experiences, age, etc, etc.
Eric, I hope it will not be too harsh on you but...
1. she might just be not attracted to you any more because there might be another man in her life.
2. you did something revolting (e.g., cheated on her) and she loathes having you in her bed.
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Nuri
If you read the whole thread I think you will find that menopause was not the first diagnosis. And we were criticized for just jumping to ideas the there may be a problem with the relationship.
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Is she truly happy? Does she have confidence in herself & does she have goals? Does she love herself? If she does then she would probably feel sexy & want intimacy - regardless of her age. For anyone out there feeling in a rut, feeling down, or feeling like they don't live their live to the fullest - there is a way to overcome their issues. As someone who used to be unhappy, used to shy away from life & intimacy who now knows & radiates true happiness - I can give anyone pointers here if they would like - and they too could feel as awesome, as sexy, as confident, as truly happy as I am :o)
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Can I ask why would it be painful? Why would hormones cause pain or discomfort?
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Or you.
You say beautiful but you sound very ugly.
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hkhkbeautiful
No one asked u to trust them in this thread... and I don't think anyone cares if u trust them or not...
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Love and Communication is the two most important aspects in a relationship or marriage. If you love her you will start communicating with her and solve the problem. Marriage is not just about SEX. I understand to some men or women that it is important to have a healthy sex life. But believe me or not when you grow old SEX DIED but love, passion and company will REMAINED.
Hope you’ll think twice first before you proposed a divorce to her or cheat. If you do without communicating with her you might regret it and its too late to get her back.
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eric, I don't think this is much of an issue. Men find their way out. Even though you may find yourself fretting over the sex issue right now, you'll soon be having sex where-ever you get and stick with your wife, and she'll probably be happy that you stopped bothering her over it. Both of you will be super happy with eachother then!
This is the "modern" marriage -- not that I believe in but that I see around me.
And so, you'll soon find your equilibrium. This post stands redundant.
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If I were you, I have no need to post this question here. But If I want to start an affair, this forum may help.....
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