What A story!

As I am writing this I am wondering what I can expect from it. No doubt I will get accusations of being this that and the other, but i am hoping that there are still genuine caring people out there who know a bit and willing to share it.

Here I am in a relationship with a woman who I met in HK approx 3 years ago. We spent time together and one thing led to another and she moved in. A number of months later I was offered to go back to the UK for a better job ( BIG mistake by the way, the UK is not what I remember it to be!!) Anyway as it turned out this was a god send due to the Global crash.. Back to the story---This lady who I met accompanied me back to the UK. Things were ok initially until the Visa thing raised it's ugly head. Therefore we applied for a fiancee visa, but this quickly ran out. So before I knew it I was getting married. My gut told me it was too soon, but hey she was intelligent, hardworking, active and good looking. Basically all the basis of what could be a good relationship. However as time passed things started to appear that I didn't see before. Bad mood swings, irrational behavior lack of social skills and mind games. Yes I know before you say it I am no angel either I have my vises. I smoke, I like to have a beer.: BUT I do not go womanizing, I don't go to the bar every week. All I did was have some beers with my mate when we worked on my DIY projects. As a balance to this I would take my wife to classical concerts, go to Yoga with her (even though it wasn't my thing) and spent time with her family in the UK even though I had nothing in common and I did it with a genuine smile on my face.

A few months ago I got offered a very good Job in Australia. To persuade me the company flew both of us over to Australia, gave me a car and paid for everything for 9 days just so I could get a feel for the place. Amazing eh!!! A chance of a lifetime! Guess what it was like being stuck with some spoiled teenager. My 13 year niece behaves better. Sh e would walk behind me looking at the ground sulking. It was infuriating. When we returned back to the UK I had a blazing row. Something that I very rarely do. I talk, compromise, understand and learn. Well to cut a long story short our friend ( middle aged wise lady) and I persuaded my wife to go and see a doctor. She has been diagnosed with some fairly bad mental issues and has been placed on medication. We are now in Australia and things are getting better. However I have now changed. I can feel that I am depressed. Yes this is possibly been attributed to by home sickness and the stress of the move etc etc. But my gut feeling is it is because of the relationship I am in. I am a very outgoing chatty bouncy person. Someone who goes and finds the adventure.. My wife is the exact opposite and I feel as though it is finally getting the better of me. I know the first question I must ask myself is " Do I love her?" and to be honest I really don't know. My family has advised me that this isn't a good match and has confirmed her strange behavior. My dad is worried because when he speaks to me he can hear a sadness in my voice, which isn't like me at all.


We have decided to have a break and my wife will return to HK for a while. But if I am honest with myself I am unsure if I want her back, but I am concerned that I will be making a big mistake. Unfortunately i have a track record of having failures, first wife cheated on me, second partner was after a UK passport, the third partner was just not right for me, the fourth was as mad as a hatter.


My sisters have spoken to me and have explained that I should stop trying to be the night in shining Armour and meet someone who has their marbles intact.


So the question I am asking myself is should I end this relationship? We have no kids so there is no harm done to anyone.


I will be very surprised if anyone will read this dribble never mind reply to it. But one thing is for sure it was nice getting it off my chest. Just always remember HBLPIAGD (heart beats, lungs pump, it's a good day)

I guess there is no easy answer and it has helped me to just write it down

An initial thoughts


Don't make any sudden life changing decisions if you think you are depressed.


Get some third party input. Maybe see a doctor about your depression first, or try marriage counseling.


Take your time

I don't normally comment on these posts but your story really touched me. A good friend of mine, also Brit, was in a very long relationship with a lady in HK. Things were very good for a number of years and they got engaged. But over time she changed. He, like you, is a very bubbly positive person, friendly, warm, everyone who knows him say he's the nicest guy in the world. She on the other hand was poison. Whilst for the first few years of their relationship she was a great person and he loved her dearly, over time she changed a lot, she became agreesive and abusive, she treated him badly and disrepected him, her negative energy simply sucked the life out of him and he was very depressed, he stuck it out for almost two years and really tried to make it work and just could not. Finally he broke off the engagement, had to move to another country for a while just to get the whole trauma out of his system. He didn't date for a number of years trying to get over the whole thing. But now he's met another lady and they are very happy together. A lot of friends actually told him after he broke off the engagement that he "dodged a bullet" by not marrying her. He's now very happy. I agree with tigerbay that you should not rush any decisions, but with the time you're apart, you can try to work out if you're happier without her, and if you are, you have your answer already. Plenty of fish in the sea, chin up!

A relationship is supposed to be enriching. What you have suffered is emotional oppression. She has battered you emotionally just as if she had hit you with a cricket bat. It might not be deliberate if she is a nutter, but that does not excuse it.


You are not alone - A lot of good people suffer amazing distress when emotionally manipulative people keep them in a dungeon relationship. Fortunately, it seems you are breaking free.


Smoking and drinking are not vices that a man needs to apologize for. She can go for her Yoga, and you can go for a drink - each by yourselves. why should you conform yourself to her hobbies ?


Judging from the brief history you gave, I think you have tried too hard to please others in the past. your sincerity has been taken advantage of. This is not a suggestion to become a jerk, but to be more assertive in the future about what you need and want in life.


You should start anew with a new person. You will find a lot of decent and well balanced ladies out there.

As Kia Ora wrote, plenty of fish in the sea, Chin up.


Good Luck.

No offence, but you may want to examine your own role in this.


You leave your home country for another. You then leave that country some years later for the former and seem upset that it has changed.

So off to yet another country for a potentially better job.

No harm in being footloose but it doesn't create stability.

Was your wife involved in the decision to move to the UK and Australia or did you make the decision 'for the best'?


You don't state if she is HK born. If she is, maybe consider she's been moved from her family base to a new country and didn't want to, regardless of if she agree to it in the first place. Perhaps she was settling into her new life/country and then the move to Australia happens. Not everyone is wild about new opportunities.


Then consider you've already had four wives. In your description of the break ups, none seem attributable to you. Maybe they're not and I should not judge but in four failed marriages I find that hard to believe.


It also can't be that reassuring for the new wife knowing you've had 4 priors.

If I were in that position, I'd be counting down the days from the wedding.


I'm not too sure listening to family members is wise for relationship matters either.

Even an anonymous forum with potentially mental posters ... is probably more objective.


So, to me, from the way you've written of your problem, it sounds like you are concerned with you and how your wife is not fitting in with your plan of the marriage and your life.

My apologies if that sounds a little rough but you make no mention of her thoughts or wants, just that she's got mental problems. Which weren't apparent before and at the word of one quack.

I had a quack tell me my hip had gone; it's fine but my spine was buggered.

Another told me I had cancer. I didn't, and I could have cheerfully wrung his neck when I found that out.


Maybe you're right and she's completely hat stand and your best option is to leave her but I think you should have a good long look at yourself, away from your family, then talk with her about how you're feeling and more importantly, how she's feeling and how she's been feeling.

once i had the same doubt. since my ex boyfriend was such a perfect person and everything went so well, but every one or two years i asked myself whether did i love him or would i be happier with i wasnt with him... but i told myself not to give up someone who might be the best i can get so easily, and i didnt want to hurt him so i carried on the relationship... but this thought kept coming back every now and then which meant the rational me wanted to get out of it, the emotional me persuaded me to stay because i might sending the only love away...

what i am trying to say is, if this is how you really feel, the feeling always come back, and you will know it. it's a matter of how much longer it takes you to face the true feeling.


i took 5 years to break up with that young man and he told me he knew it for 5 years, so he let me go at the end.


i was right about it, another 5 years after, i didnt find anyone loves me as much,and i am still very single, but it was a wise decision, and i should have done it 10 years ago like it was meant to be.


if you will be happier without her, just make it happen. i guess you need to find someone whom you love and have feelings for, not someone who just passes certain qualities on a list, that doesnt equal to love.


good luck and chin up :)

You are depressed and you don't know why. Your gut feeling is that the depression is from your relationship. You have decided that your current wife will return to HK and you are not sure you want her to come back.

1.first wife cheated

2. second partner was after a UK passport (I hope she got it).

3. third partner was just not right for you.

4. fourth was as mad as a hatter.

5. Will be sent away because you are depressed maybe she is not right for you.

It was nice to get it off of your chest. Your wife acts like a spoiled teenager, has bad mental issues. My gut feeling is that her mental issues are related to her relationship with you. If you end this relationship then you need to think about tatooing a big L on your forehead so everyone will know what a loser you are.

Without wishing to sound unsympathetic; your story sounds so one sided, Me me me me me me me. The only mention of your (current) wife has been that she's mentally ill and it's bringing me down -me me me me me again. I would have thought you had enough experience that marriage is about see thing through together because you guys wanted to start a life together. Partners aren't consumables where one changes like fashion sneakers, they're there for your when sh*t comes along.


One nagging question, for a company to pay for you to fly out to Oz for a recce before committing -they must (and indeed you must) be pretty surefooted in decision making or just quite highly skilled. Did those smarts not come into play when nos. 2,3 and 4 headed your way?

Ooo, what a story! You're right.


weelee, by the sound of it, you didn't think much of your ex-wives nor your current wife. They all seem to have faults that have nothing to do with you.

Could your constant fault finding resulted in your first wife looking elsewhere for a better man? And then all your other wives? Did the second really love you only for the passport or was it your analogy? The third - you again. You said she was not right. The fourth. You again, you said she was mad. And now the fifth. You again. You say she has mental issues. Your current wife has had to relocate twice to two different countries for you. The move alone could make her feel lonely and depressed. Take this coupled by a husband who doesn't understand.


I think what you need to do is sit down and think about what you really want out of relationships so that you don't keep on making the same mistakes. Why do you keep choosing a partner who is not right for you? You said you wanted a partner who would try out new things with you and take risks. Then don't go for the ones who don't.


If you choose to stick with it, then you need to compromise as well. She's moved countries for you and you think you're sacrificing so much going to yoga classes with her. I think the problem is you. Sorry. You want her to go the mile for you yet you are not willing to do the same for her... hmmm...

I was so surprised when I opened my email to find so many replies about my dribble. I apologies if it seemed all one sided and had lack of clarity, but it is hard to compress so much into such a small thread and I thought people wouldn't read it anyway. I guess I was just using it as an outlet.

In regards to the questions. My wife is Hong Kong Chinese and I did consult her with everything that we have done. When we came out for the look and see trip to Oz I stated that going and seeing Oz doesn't mean that we were going to move. When we went to Oz we discussed it near the end of the nine days and explained that if she was willing we could relocate to Australia and I would take the job. I explained to her how tough it would be not having friends and how we would have to start making our circle again. Plus the move is only for 1 to 2 years. To gain more life experience and to hopefully make some money. I am blessed and I do thank my lucky stars that the profession I am in gives me the opportunity to move around and get paid well for it.


I am asking myself the question of am I falling into depression. The symptoms I have seem to match up with depression and my sister who is an ENP (Emergency Nurse Practitioner) also agrees that I may be suffering from depression. The problem I have is what is causing it. I have moved around a lot and know how the home sickness feels but this is something a bit harder. The worst thing is the fact that my wife is trying so hard to make me happy. The medicine really has seemed to make a huge difference. To give an example: we went to a bar/restaurant and I ended up speaking to some nice elderly ladies who came from the same part of the UK as myself. It was nothing of significance just usual small talk for 5 mins. Normally my wife would sit and sulk until I returned, but this time she actually came up and joined me and talked with them.


I guess the dilemma I have is I believe that she is making me unhappy ( and I know this sounds like I am playing the victim), but it is what I feel. When I am away from her I tend to cheer up to my normal self and become more chatty with people. The thing is am I making a huge mistake? What if she is a changed person? I guess this is what I am hoping to find out when she returns to HK for a while to do a training course. This will give me time on my own to assess my situation and feelings and for my wife to reflect on things also.


I understand that relationships aren't easy, but they should be worth while. Like a country walk with up hills and climbs; you get a sense of achievement or a good view. If it is all up hill without anything what's the point?


Just to clear things up I have only been married once before. The others were relationships. My wife, I was with for 10 years, 4 years of which was after she cheated on me. So I guess I am either stupid or a very forgiving person.


One of my sister's explained to me that my history with woman has a pattern. I seem to be a sucker for the ones with troubles. So I am starting to wonder if I am more stupid than forgiving??? As the Fixer questions - why doesn't my surefooted decisions making and clarity stop me from making the same mistake again???

Anyway I thank you for your time and allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings. I know I am down at the moment, but my wife will leave next week, summer is coming and I will have some time to work things out and become clearer about what I want.


Cheers

Your post has touched me too. I'm not sure what advice exactly to give you. Whatever decision you make you can hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong and you have really thought this through. Best of luck to you, i really hope things work out for you very soon.

Sorry to hear your marriage is on the rocks, but from what I have heard from other married people, the first five years are the hardest. You adjust from being a "Me" to being a "We".


Sounds like you have had a bad run, from the unfaithful wife to the mad hatter, but its not anything new, lots of us have been down that path. Amen to that.


Have you thought about seeking help for your depression? Its good that you managed to seek help for your wife, but what about you? If your sister who is an RN has told you this then it would be a worthwhile path to look into. The one thing you will have to watch out for is drinking with anti-depression medication, its a dangerous cocktail, so just beware.


I think you should be kind to yourself, but also be kind to your wife. She is trying, you have not tried to seek professional help/medication yourself, she has. Maybe its time for you to face your demons (the depression) and stick with the decision you made, after all, you are in Australia for only a year or two, after that you can return to the UK with your wife and you may see a change in her for even more positive good.


But first and foremost, seek help for your depression instead of self diagnosis without treatment. Who knows, like your wife after she took medication, you too may see a change in the way you feel towards her.


Some posters have been harsh on you, but I think you should take what they say on board as well. Life is a two way street. Yes, sometimes you can get thrown a curve ball, but if you react badly, you get socked in the eye. I am sure all your past partners, much as you can dismiss them in a few words each, may have had some choice words about you too. We have all been there.


You seem like someone capable of managing his work life, no doubt you can handle your personal life too. It may take a bit more work, but it means you will have to step up to your fears and face life with a better attitude and not one of, hate to say this, a victim...because you are better than that. Good luck.

Hi Lis B, thanks for the good luck wishes


Hi Paddle, thanks for the advise, you wouldn't believe how much better i feel being able to vent a lot of this. With hindsight I can see what has happened and why things have come to bursting point. For two and half months before we got our house we have been living in hotels, first in Japan for 2 weeks, then the rest of the time in Australia, which sounds like fun and it was, but nothing beats sitting in your own living room regardless of how nice the hotel is. During this time basically my wife and I have been joined at the hip and I have had zero time to myself (apart from work). Not even a trip to the shops for some smokes. I understand it isn't easy for my wife either. She is by herself all day and wants some company when i finish work. We now understand that I need a bit of space for a while, so she gives me an hour or so by myself. When we were at home in the uk I had my time with my friends and my projects, which was the way I probably released any frustration of dealing with my wife's moods.

I understand what you are saying about seeking help and I have got plans to find help. I done it before when I split from the mad as a hatter GF.

I guess the question I will be asking myself is; even though my wife is lovely in many ways and is working really hard to make things work and has improved so much since taking the medication; is it fair for either of us to stay together if the love is all one sided? I don't know if I am a dreamer but I still believe in soul partners and I would like to find mine. I believe I have given this a good shot. Almost 3 years now. But I am tired and numb. From the very beginning there wasn't that WOW factor so I don't know if it will ever come. It feels such a shame and I wish there was a switch I could flick to make me feel differently. As mentioned before i think the break will be good for both of us and hopefully all will become clear then. Until then I will keep on smiling because my heart still beats and lungs still pump. Strange as it sounds after 3 years my wife is only just started to understand how precious life is and how easy it can be taken away.


Many thanks


:<)

I hope u wouldn't make a mistake by making wrong decision. From what you wrote here I see a typical man at the end of a relationship life circle. after 3 years being together there is no wonder u started to think different and want something fresh. this is man's nature and distinct. yet are u sure you will be happier after you finish with a woman who aparently loves you and cares about u more and more and willing to change for u though deep in heart she might feel lonely and hurt? you said this is all one side love. yet I believe u thought different 3 years ago when u first met her or when u newly married her. Time is strange. it always makes woman to have stronger feeling over the years and makes man think different and feel to escape. I believe u are a seeker. and you are not mature enough though in fact might you 've already grown up gentleman. marriage does base on mutual feeling and need to be well balanced. and the perfect state is to keep both ends equal and not lose weight of love. Apparently your wife is devoted herself to you and is willing to do many things for you. think well before u make final decision. will u be able to find another lady who loves u same as ur wife does though you heart still beats and lungs still pump? you might be more depressed and disappointed after abandoning a lady who truly cares about you. You might be able to find someone u feel stronly for. but are u sure that the other end will feel the same for you. when u loose ur charm and are u sure you won't be dumped as u did to ur lovely wife? everything is possible and u can not gurantee you will always have the best on your side. From your history . it seems you were nevery happy with anyone really. and ur first wife cheated on you. yet it oculd happen again when u finally thought you find ur true love and she could dump u more cruelly. So always cherish what you have now and don't make urself regret and to end in loneliness and pains. time does take away something but it will cultivate more. 3 years is not long enough for a happy relationship. and never hurt someone who really cares about you. this could be the best you have in the world. believe it or not. if u keep searching. the final result for you could be either end up in regrets or deceipt. think it over and over again before you make next steps.

People sneeze these days and they've got depression. Everyone feels down from time to time, there's no need to pop the prozac just yet.


I know there's not much point closing the gate once the horse has bolted, but you didn't need to get a fiance visa. My fella is in the UK on an unmarried partner visa. We have been together for seven and a half years but I'm sure that isn't an issue. You have to be able to prove you've been together for 2 years, I think. We did it last year so I don't really remember. You don't have to get married. We are getting married but that's because we want to, not because we have to.


I realise that doesn't help now, but at least you know.


If you hadn't got married, would you have broken up by now? I think that alone answers your questions.

Drought, famine, disease, poverty, HIV, Cancer, Motor Neurone Disease, Parkinson ... these are problems. Your ridiculous little love story is not! Get a divorce - get a life!

Who would have thought my dribble of a story would have attracted such a diverse amount of people. As previously explained I used this as a form of release and wasn't expecting any feedback. However now that I am, I will take this opportunity to explain that what you have been reading is similar to that which I guess someone would write in a diary. It is raw, confused feeling and thoughts, hence why sometimes the grammar is a bit rough.

Anyway the exercise has been to my benefit and as Mdap kindly pointed out my problems are not life threatening nor are they serious. The feedback I have received has come from all the different areas of human nature: the wise understanding and logical, the frightened/apprehensive and of course the selfish/inconsiderate side of human nature. All off which I have taken on board in helping me see the clear picture ahead


According to ecareken my love life has the makings of a good comedy film, which made me laugh. My life has been relatively easy I guess compared to other peoples, but never the less it has had its challenges.


The truth off the matter is; I have to solve not only for my benefit and happiness, but for my wife's too. The problem being that I feel as though I don’t love this woman in the way she should be loved. Therefore for the benefit of both of our happiness I must decide over the coming weeks if this is just a recent problem due to all the recent pressures or has the relationship run its cycle. I want to ensure I get this correct because my wife is wonderful in many ways and I would be hard pushed to find another like her. Therefore the time we spend apart over the next couple of months I need to figure out if I miss her and can’t be without her or the other.


Only time will tell!

"Your ridiculous little love story is not! Get a divorce - get a life!"

Nice! And yes, I'm being ironic.

Man , without a doubt you should divorce. Thats not the issue. The issue is how did you get your current understanding of woman and relationships, how do you resolve issue in any relationship, how will you attempt to deal with these things in the future without blindly repeating the past.

In your opening message you say "My gut told me it was too soon, but hey she was intelligent, hardworking, active and good looking. Basically all the basis of what could be a good relationship." These are NOT the basics. Ever heard of "Compatibilty"?. I would seriously sit down and have a think about the universe, human nature, time, emotion , love and human compatibilty in general. Its not a clear cut science and there is no logic that can be applied.

McAlpine makes some good points.


In my experience of HK women (and Chinese women) - they need a lot of attention and they are capable of sulking over what Westerner men (and many women) would regard as trivial issues. I have dated a lot of women from this part of the world so I know what I am talking about.


On the other hand there is a lot of unconditional love and attention and often she will make huge sacrifices like making random moves around the planet for you, even though she really would rather in be in Tin Hau or woteva with 2.5 kids, a Dog and a Prada handbag.


If you marry someone from a different culture then you may expect some cultural differences to show. And it's to be expected than in random locations around the planet, only with each other, and no extended support network (families / mutual friends / shared hobbies) and just each other that you are going to test your relationship to the max. Now you are looking forward to a break and if I read you correctly a long slow break up where she comes over a couple of time to Oz and you make a couple of trips to HK and issues are discussed and you inch towards the divorce.


I understand you quite well. In your situation I might well be doing the same thing. But then again I have never married, precisely because I have not met the one who would make all the stress worth it. And to be fair - and I suspect you are the same - you create a lot of stress for your woman in all sorts of big and little ways - I have never met a women who I felt the stress would be fair on her.


You have married her - yet anyone could predict the actual problems you are having are the actual problems you would expect in this marriage - you would be more of a man if you just make this work. Develop a stable life somewhere. Have kids and get a dog. Buy the good wife some bags and some shoes. Go to Disneyland.


Are you man enough? It may mean some fundamental changes to your approach. If you marry someone you are saying this woman is now part of me and I am part of her. One organism. So what do you need to do to make the organism happy and well again?

Oh and does the wife have a job or does she just chill out at home most of the time?

sozz -- was this too harsh?

I don't know if anyone is interested but she has gone to HK and I feel as though a tone ofsh*t has been lifted off my shoulders. I know this sounds dreadful and my feelings may change, but I can feel my usual happy self returning. I sometimes get a bit lost in the evenings rattling around by myself and the washing machine is not responding to my verbal commands (LOL). But hey I think I am on the right path.

My family has now opened up a bit and told me their opinions because they could see that I wasn't happy and they have highlighted some hard truths.


Well thanks for the advise everyone much appreciated for contributing


Nhoj_71 - Sorry to hear about your situation, as my sister pointed out I am very lucky because I don't have any kids and therefore do not have to force the relationship to work. I wish you all the best


Cheers

Either your wife is not the lovely person you try to make her appear, or you married a woman you didn't love, or you don't have an understanding what a long term relationship is all about. My gut feeling is that you didn't love her. Release her.

sounds like i am on the money. you are easing her out of your life. it's all too much like hard work. you have a well paid job and it would be a lot easier to ship someone else in to your down under life who smiles a bit more.


you married her. that's more serious than an employment contract terminable with 1 or 3 month(s) notice. it doesn't sound like she has done anything marriage contract breakable. she's just not very happy. you probably know the things that would make her happy. perhaps you ought to do them?