Posted by
jsobid3
14 yrs ago
Hi, my husband and i have been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. In the last few years our marriage wasn't great, me just focusing on my kids and we was just dripting apart. about a month ago i found out my husband's secret email address, to my shock he had been speeping with prostitutes around far east for many years. he was greated that email address in 2009 and in it was so many hooker's messages (big datafile) i am at loss and totally shocked. he is been crying and begging me go for counseling. is anyone out there with similar experience, do u think this marriage is worth for saving, can i trust him again, please could anyone reccommend good sex, marriage counseller in Hongkong, thanks
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complete b/s advice bhklady. jsobid3 outlined what went wrong on both sides in their relationship. given 10 years and 2 kids, i would give it a shot IF (and that is the key) BOTH sides understand their mistakes and are willing to work on it
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"You know nothing about men."
...except that i am one of them...
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If your marriage wasn't that great and you were drifting apart, with you focusing on your kids and neglecting your husband, then it really shouldn't come as a surprise that your husband was "getting it" elsewhere.
Find a good marriage counselor, forgiveness is the key. It takes two to tango, so you have to realize that you also had your shortcomings in your marriage not just him. If you love him still and want to stay married ( happily), talk to him, find out what you both need to do to get past this and move forward so you both don't make the same mistakes. Your husband will need to be understanding about your lack of trust and will need to be reassuring both in words and acts until he has earned it once again. And yes, it is very possible for you to trust him again, it will just take time. And, if you both agree to work things out, make it a point to have at least a night a week where it's just you and him spending time together. Get a babysitter to mind the kids. If possible go away for a weekend every few months or so with no kids.
If you are unsure if he was having unprotected sex, then have him get a full check up on all possible STIs.
Consider yourself still lucky, he didn't have an affair, he was simply paying for sex. An affair is harder to deal with because of the emotional attachments. It would always make you wonder if he is still in love with someone else.
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bhklady: i am a woman from hk too and i've been reading your posts.
how well do you know the above story? you just gave the "best" advice which is to divorce without knowing the details?
btw, if you always think all the men are bad, you will never find a good one. good luck.
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"Does anyone get the feeling that bhklady is the old hkgreatlady, oneperson or ladywong from about 2 months ago."
YEAH ABSOLUTELY! first thing that went through my mind. . .
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bhklady: you just made me LOL. seems you are getting a little aggressive here - "I hope that you can find the good one for the rest of your life or too have many different men for good times in your life. Are you a hooker or screwing up different men ?" chill, woman..
please read carefully. i never said the husband was a good man. In the end, only jsobid3 knows what the best solution is, for herself and the kids. because thats her in the family, not you.
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bhklday: you sound like a hater... you said im an idiot and not a good person. another proof that you judge based on only a few words. just like what you said to the OP.
"Use your head. Listen and understand her situation" <- well said!
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bhklady,
as i previously wrote on another thread....you seem very bitter.
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Can we just go back to the problem of jsobid3 instead of insulting one another? :) A good advice would be more appropriate than firing away with insults.
I may not be perfect, but I think you (jsobid3) and your husband should sit down and talk about the problem before arriving to a decision. It may not be right away as I know there is still anger/hatred in you towards him. But after you calm down, try to listen to what he has to say. It may be hard, but you're the only one who knows him the most.
From there, you might see the main problem of the relationship. Forgiveness may take some time, even building the trust again, but you should try to listen to him first. I'm not taking sides, coz if you really decide to divorce him, you should consider as well your children. In the end, the kids will be the one's suffering as well. Both of you should also consider that you have kids and the emotional trauma that they may have to face when you decide to divorce.
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sicn
14 yrs ago
To the original poster, Nobody can garantee you a happily after life automatically after the wedding vow. If you look at your life-long marriage from a bird-eyed view, you will have many obstacles to overcome. To deal with your huskband's buying sex service to relief his unsatisfied urge, might be one of those obstacles. Go seek professional counceling yourself and together is the way to go.
Dont be a victom who would let negativity overcome/become you.
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sicn,
absolutely spot on.
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He won't give his kids HIV unless he donates blood to them, rapes them, or shares a needle with them while shooting up. The fact that you asserted otherwise just goes to show that you are absolutely unqualified to give anyone advice on anything. Go back to primary school and read a science textbook.
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lol did you just write this to your self?
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Ed
14 yrs ago
And this brings us to THE END of this thread... please don't continue to post cuz I'll delete...
Thanks :)
(I cant wait till we get the new site launched so that I can close off discussions that diverge into the inane... we have about a month of coding left then testing and debugging... hopefully live just after CNY...)
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pfff they all sleep around ..80 % or more at least 1 time ....!
then ..u have to forgive and think about the kids !!!
just send him to hell ...you deserve better then this ,let him go for what he likes ,they all go back to sameshit after sometimes ..
just move on ,find a boyfriend ,forget about getting hurt again .
i hate mens for being so stupids and selfish ....
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This kind of thing heppens to both men and women every minute in this world. Don't pay too much attention to what he has done instead ask your self what you want and want to do about it.
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this forum is full of bitter & twisted "all men are bad" sociopaths who are giving shockingly bad advice. this thread is another sad example.
JSOBID3 > from your posts it seems you can see what is going on. Do seek counselling, and try to move forward.
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Simply put, 'when there is a will, there is a way' ...
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I am so surprise by this forum, I usually never write on forum but I feel I had too. One thing that I do not understand is why most of messages are about men vs women?
As for cheating I don't know the statistics in Hong-Kong but in Canada now there slighlty more women cheating than men but both have about the same statistics. I was sitting in a restaurant last time hearing conversation of a women dating a men and talking about the fact that her marriage was going bad so that is why she was dating etc.
Men sometimes cheat, women sometimes cheat. End of the line. Cheating is often the expression of a crisis in a couple and yes even if one did the actual mistakes both are responsible. A relationship is always about both people. If you try to put the blame on only one person that means you don't actually understand relationship.
Yes your husband did wrong he went to a prostitute and that is bad completely bad. On the other hand he still love you and care for you. Why did this happen? What problems are they in your relationship these are things that you could work out in a couple therapy.
Should you go to this therapy, well first do you still love your husband? Do you still believe in this relationship? Do you think he still can be the one that makes you happy and with whom you wish to continue life? Find your answers for these questions and you will be able to know if you should or should not go to therapy.
Best regards
I am 30 years old man
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I know exactly how you feel. I was married for ten years when i found out, we were having problems as he had stopped washing - for weeks he would not have a wash unless ofcourse he wanted sex obviously this rang alarm bells so i decided to have a hunt around, i found a book on protitutes - a directory of numbers and places in his van so before i said anything i had a good look and there were plenty marked up so i phoned all the ones highlighted by a star! spoke to a few of them and then phoned him and told him to get home immediately if he wanted to stay married.
I asked for every detail and confirmed what i had found out - lucky for him - i told him i had phoned the prostitutes and what they had said and he was very shocked
We had a two year old at the time so i agreed that i would give it another go providing that he was screened for diseases at a clinic, that he never did it again and that he could account for every penny that he spent from there on in. Well suffice to say i watched him like a hawk and things got better i thought that was in the past and a lesson was learnt so i stopped asking for receipts and stopped checking up on him, our second child came along nearly four years ago, and i have just discovered he has been upto his old tricks again but on a grander scale.
I have spent the last three weeks detailing all the cash withdrawls and checking phone numbers from his mobile bills and have come up with a huge list nearly £5000.00 has been spent in the last year on prostitutes (this is while we are struggling to make ends meet!)
I do not know you or your husband only you can decide what to do, a decision that you will have to live with, i decided to try and it failed he still went back for more but that does not mean that will happen to you.
It is really sad because they are not after love just sexual satisfaction of a different kind - my husband is obviously into anal sex to which i have not and will not subscribe to! so he gets it elsewhere, however since finding out again i was shocked to feel the way i do, i am not angry - or seeking revenge - i just pitty him. I know that he loves me and adores the kids but he was given a second chance and he blew it.
I was a stay at home mum (which was what he wanted for his kids) that never went anywhere without the kids and now i have changed i have a part time job i go out with the girls I have dropped two dress sizes and am feeling more confident in myself .
We all loose part of ourselves when we have kids as they do take priority which i feel they should, but no matter how mundane and boring my life got i never once thought of paying somebody for sex!
Anyway in short if you love him a feel that you can put it behind you then it is worth a try, don't try and be something you are not, however it takes two to tango and he has to work hard and earn your trust again, you can love somebody but without trust it will be hard. You are not at fault in any way we are all resonsible for our own actions and have to face the consequences.
I told my husband that if it happened again that would be it marriage over and sadly that is the case for me, however i am taking my time to make sure that i can provide for my kids and that i have no regrets, I have come to terms with it and will be spilling the beans soon but on my terms and when i am ready.
Take your time, think it all through, you do not have to give an answer, see how it goes, if he loves you which i am sure he does then he will have to give you time to consider your options, everybody has an opinion but only you can decide(ignore the male plonkers whichobviously only think through their manhood), if you try to get through it and it fails you are in no worse situation than you are now but nothing you did or didn't do made him seek out a prostitute of that i am sure.
And for all those male responses - you can wake up in the morning with a hard on and can have sex with anything with a pulse -women who cherish what marriage is and respects her husband needs to be loved, how would you feel if your wife sought out male escorts and spent your hard earned money on being satisfied by another man? Get a life.
Anyway slight rant there sorry, i wish you the best with whatever you decide to do, just don't make a decision in anger or out of presumed duty. You can get through this be it togehter or apart.
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Hey Wob Lee ...... I like your quote ..... really interesting .... I will have to borrow it some time.
These days men and women have equal opportunities to do all they want .... to flirt, cheat and so on .... but of course men have more opportunities to buy sex wherelse women do not .... Anyway, it takes 2 to tango and make the marriage work ........ Most men do not equate love with sex especially after long marriage ..... I know some women who can accept the marriage beyond the sex thing ........ Imagine in a marriage women reach menopause and do not like sex while men in the 50s are still hungry fro sex ........ HOW DO YOU SOLVE THIS SITUATION?
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sunil
14 yrs ago
Men is diffrent then woman..For them sex is like playing...UNDERSTAND....DOnt boil over it and save your family..and married life.
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I agree with syracuse37.
Current statistics shows that women cheat as much as men, at least in the western world. I've dated a lot (in the UK) and one of the topics that always comes up is why the marriage/partnership ended. Well, the answer (to my surprise) has almost always been the same...the wife cheated and sometimes more than once. I am not sure if this statistics is relavant to Asia though.
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This is the first time I write on a Forum.
I thank Kazzie for her post. Somehow it made me feel better. I have been married for 9 years, and found out that my husband started cheating after one year of marriage. He slept with prostitutes and also sought out relationships with girls he met in bars during his biz trips. All the relationships failed though. As he travels all over Asia almost every week, you can imagine how many women he slept with over all these years.
We have 3 children, all aged under 5. I am at a loss of what to do. I am a stay at home mum, and have no friends in HK (am not local). Since this is such a personal matter, I can't bring myself to discuss this with members of my family or anyone else. I know the logical thing would be to divorce, but I'm afraid to take this step. I don't work and so am financially dependent on him.
I tried a few counselling sessions, but stopped because I couldn't afford the costs. The counsellor was charging me $1500 per hour!....I am on the verge of a breakdown. My husband apologized, when I found out about his marital affairs 3 years ago. I also nearly died unintentionally through overdose, the day I found out...was rushed to emergency room. But the marriage hasn't improved since then, and he keeps lying....He is a serial liar. He lies about where he goes, what he does. On the other hand, he claims he wants to be a good person and wants to do good deeds in life. I so very much want to believe him, but the actions are so contrary to his words. There is no sex because he did not want any from the very beginning. I like sex, and the very few times we did it, I felt he was treating me like a piece of meat or object of pleasure only. No affection, kisses but just hard core....
Any help or advice you could give would be much appreciated.
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In your next life, think twice before you marry such a jerk.
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Dear Jenn321 and jsobid3,
First of all, I want to let you know that I am very sorry to read about your story. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I would like to give you some –hopefully good- advice.
I think that you know that your husband will probably never change in the relationship you share. You mentioned that he has been cheating for many years, and ‘even’ mentioned he was sorry some time ago. You know that he is still cheating on you, and his promiscuous behaviour will continue because you allow him to.
This might sound very harsh, but for him, there is no reason to stop, as you have not taken any ‘real’ action against him. He feels very comfortable in the situation he is now, he has a wife at home who makes the bed, cooks dinner and takes care of the kids. As soon as he steps out the door, he is a different man, and is living the ‘single’ life. Why would he want to change the situation? If he wanted to, he would have done it a long time ago, or never have done it to begin with!
Even though you don’t have a job, you must not forget that you have the hardest job in the world, which is raising children – in Asia! You must first find the strength and confidence to believe that you SO deserve better in life! You have to take control into your own hands! You mentioned that you don’t have any friends in HK. You must talk to someone about it. Forget the counsellor for $HK1500 per hour, which is completely outrageous!
Do you have a good friend back home who you might be able to contact, maybe a brother, sister, or your parents, even church? You must understand that the pain that you are feeling now, will not get any better if you stay with your partner, as he has proven to you that he will not change, not now, not ever! Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? Or do you want to pick up the pieces and move on, to a happier, more confident you?
You must get out of this horrible marriage. You and your children deserve better; as it is not only the cheating, it is the lack of respect that your husband is showing you (and therefore also towards your children). I don’t want to start to talk about STDs or HIV, that is a whole different tread...
You need to seek legal advice, as you have (financial) rights albeit you are a home maker. The situation that you are in is poisonous; however you hold the key to change your own future, and that of your children.
I understand that getting a divorce is something you don’t want, never imagined probably when you got married; however, it is up to you to change the situation you are in, as your partner has proven to you that he won’t do it.
Good luck in the future, stay strong, and don’t forget that the only person in life who can truly make you happy is...you!
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Jenn321,
I left you a message......I would like to give you some support through this difficult time in your life. Having no friends in HK would be hard for anyone to go through something like this. No pressure.....my heart just goes out for you!
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Dear Jenn321,
you are wrong to think that you are NOT financially well off ........ the greatest fear of any man is the divorce settlement plus the alimony which follows ....... I guess it is important to know if he truely loves you and want to have sex with you ........ cuz this behavior of his will surely not go away ..... But after having caught him in the act, you are now the upper hander and you should have ALL say in financial matters and to control his money as well ....... If he is asking for forgiveness, then you should give it one more try ....... and if it doesnt work out then divorce is the answer.
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Firstly, ignore everything bhklady says, she has no idea what she is talking about and is obviously suffering in bitterness and wants you suffer with her. From reading her comments I don't think any human could stay with her for very long without breaking up/cheating/drinking heavily.
You are not going to find the perfect man, he doesn't exist, and neither does the perfect woman.
The fact that he wants to save the marriage says a lot. If he didn't love you he would just divorce and move on. You need to ask yourself WHY he did this. Has he been providing for you financially and you are not providing for his 'needs' so he is getting them elsewhere?
Or perhaps he does not feel that you enjoy sex with him which would make him feel inadequate and he has to get his esteem boosted somewhere else.
Maybe his sex drive is much higher than yours?
There are plenty of reasons this could happen, and realistically you are not going to find a perfect guy who can provide financially and also be absolutely perfect in all other regards.
I suspect that since you state you have been "drifting apart" that you have been focusing on the kids and not your husband. This is fine, as long as you understand that he is going to either a) find a girlfriend, or b) pay for sex with prostitutes. You might find a guy who is very happy to sit at home instead, but by their nature those kind of guys don't usually end up in well paying jobs so you need to sacrifice that. You can't have everything exactly the way you want it.
I think you are lucky he wants to go to counselling, that's a VERY good sign that he is willing to try, if you are willing to think very hard whether or not YOU did/did not do to put him in the situation where finding prostitutes was necessary then this will probably just be a bump on the road in the long run.
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Toury
14 yrs ago
It is inapropriate to say " you are lucky" he wants ... when she is describing a desperate situation. We know nothing about the husband , therefore I would advise to focus on the situation not on the "persons" . I sincerely advise you to think mid long term , for yourself , your kids and your husband , in a word for the family . A divorce is a trauma for all and for a long time . Give yourself a chance , face this adverse situation by exploring all alternatives together , go counselling and if after all efforts , even after 10 years of marriage,you discover both of you that the cheating was in fact only the pick of the iceberg , if you decide divorce , do it together , possibly smoothly , the kids are watching .
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Stay together. My wife cheated on me. I would have stayed with her, but she put her picture on the Intenet personals and I found it by accident. Her sleeping around did not hurt (for some reason), but the fact that she did not care enough for my stature in HK really hurt. I mean it is a smll expat community here and it really hurt that she had so much disrespect for to post her face picture (and my arm around her).
I don't think women realize how powerful hormones, desire and lust is for men. Now that I'm alone I've stopped trying to downplay my sexual desires - which I did when I was married. It is really powerful and does not have much to do with love, family and the things that really matter.
I think you should be more concerned if he actually fell in love with another woman. This is because the heart is much stronger than anyother organ.
As someone who has recently gone through divorce, and has a child, please do what you can to stay together. Divorces is really upsettig. I really miss my son everyday I don't see him. I think he's the only person I've loved. Good luck and please at least try to forgive your husband - us men are very weak.
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ummm..again not bothered to read everyone's comment..
my advise is...stick with him, some men do commit such mistakes and who doesnt commit mistakes. He committed such mistake thinking wont get caught, now he is caught and ready to go counselling, i recommend u give him one more chance to see how he is after u knowing everything..
secondly to all wives out here...99% men who go for prosti regret it and trust me do not njoy it physically, explain me the physical satisfaction with prosti who sleeps with many men on the same day ..how loose it is going to be and they charge on hourly or nite basis, they do it as a job ...they jus try to make the man finish fast n put him to sleep when a wife trys to make it long and dont let him sleep ( apologise my lanuage) , its normally the bad company which takes these husband to these prosti.. and like kids smoke thinking its cool, husband sleep around with prosti thinkin its cool even if not good for them...u shuld b the one who direct him to the right path..
oh btw if he had cheated you for a another women who is not a prosti...never give him a chance coz its different and it surely wont be just a physical relationship...
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Mikemcsf, i like your advise ....... really when it comes to sex the tetestorones just cant stop ... so it need to be satisfied or quenched.
Oldspiceman .... you poor guy dont think you had a good prosti before ..... cus if you found one, you would be going back to her every other day ..... Its true that most experiences may end up lousy, but it doesnt mean men will give up trying .....
Lastly, thanks to God's creation of men's insane tetesterone ....... its whats makes the world go round ..... haha
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Frankly, There is a common pattern in a lot of these posts -
Married Couple, Kids arrive, wife begins to neglect husband... maybe gains 20 lbs
Husband finds satisfaction elsewhere.
Wife is outraged, and sometimes genuinely surprised.
then it goes one of a few ways -
Couple break up, ex-wife becomes bitter & twisted "all men a bad" type
Couple break up, ex-Wife gets back in shape, finds a new man, and repeats.
Couple patch things up.
In every case the marital issues were hidden in plain sight for a long time BEFORE the straying... the husband brought it to a head when he got caught. Pretending that the husbands misbehavior is the initiating event is plain dishonest.
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man are man and will keep doing it all over again
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CaptDave your comment .......
Married Couple, Kids arrive, wife begins to neglect husband... maybe gains 20 lbs
Husband finds satisfaction elsewhere
Husbands neglect wives also, its just in a different way. Husbands neglect their wives by not stepping up when the work load becomes monstrous so that the wives whether they work or not are left with the incessant and demanding task of managing the household, the children, their homework, scheduling and everything else in between (yes managing a helper is work!!!!), whilst guys will watch TV, surf the net after work, or 'get home late' timing it for the lovely controlled period when the children have been fed and bathed. It's unsurprising that many women don't have it in them at the end of groundhog day to get foxy with their hubbies.
Neglect goes both ways.
jsobid3 I'm not sure what advice I would have for you. Obviously he's decided to run your marriage off into a ditch, but only you can know if he loves you genuinely and whether you genuinely have it in your heart to forgive and move on. If you can't do the later, just leave as it'll torture the two of you to no end (and then that'll dribble down to the poor children).
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My heart just aint big enough, obviously. Someone does the dirty on me, I have learned from past experience, don't bother forgiving because they just end up resenting you over time!
Bin em. If you take back someone who has screwed you over you are proving to the world that you don't value yourself enough and that you believe you deserve less.
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Wow this is an old thread but I am going to go ahead and give my advice...If you can find it in your heart to forgive, then that is one thing, but to forget ...never. He can cry all he wants but I have learned from experience that guys can be very good actors. I was with a man who asked me to be his girlfriend 3 days after he had gotten married. 5 months Later she divorced him but he did not care because he was with me. They had kids so he really only wanted to be with her because of his kids. WHile she was up on New Years wondering where he was for 3 days (missing) he was at my house not caring about her. Ask yourself why he really wants to be with you..if he really loves you..why is he cheating? Is he only with you because of his kids?
Do you know what the girls he cheated on you look like? Did you let yourself go? Even if that was the case...he should respect you. In my case I ended up getting pregnant but decided I really did not need him so I told him to leave and guess what...he went back to his ex wife and remarried her. Good for the his kids....but if you are just taking him back because of them..you have to realize that you deserve so much better and so do your kids. Growing up in a household where there is resentment is never good. My mom stayed with my dad because of us kids and now that we are grown they separated and they are just too old and bitter.
Give it a go tho since you did say that it was also your fault, but would you cheat on him just because he is neglecting you? If the answer is yes...well then don't even secong guess yourself in forgiving him, but if you are the faithful wife waiting at home while he goes out and cheats on you....you're better off without him. If you stay it will just kill your self esteem thinking why he cheated.. There is never an excuse
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I've got to be honest, I'd find sleeping with a prostitute more difficult to forgive than a normal relationship.
If it were me, I would leave him. Or separate from him for a time, but I don't know if that's right for you.
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@cyberience, you are so right.
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I appreciate that a man will only stray if he's not getting what he wants from his marriage, but what if what he wants is multiple partners? That's never going to be ok...
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@ The New Mrs Wong - Some men are alcoholics. They cannot stop drinking; they organize their life around booze. And some men are sexaholics - they do the same thing for sex.
So while normal men only fool around when their needs are not being met, a sexaholic is another story. The first thing is to find out what kind of man you're dealing with.
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Sounds like a normal story for HK it's never nice air your dirty laundry in public. But for what's worth Im working though a similar scenario But we have been together 20 years. I will take this shame to my grave and will always regret my actions. But I love my wife she my reason for living and my two kids are fantastic. Dig deep inside yourself and forgive each other this is the first steps to making it right. Sometimes you need to consider the impact not just on you but the family. What he did was wrong but loneliness and the temptation is always there. Don't be just another failed marriage like anything in life you only get out what you put in so don't ever stop working on your marriage.
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