so here's the situation...
i have a crush on my co worker...which isn't uncommon (but i have a lot of people forewarning me about the dangers of it)...but there are a lot of other circumstances that is making it hard for me to figure out what to do or whether i should do anything at all...
first of all...i am in my early 20s and he's in his early 30s....and also he's british and i am chinese (well...a very white wash abc....)
i don't know what to do...cuz i think there could be a very small hint of something...because of the way he acts...but it so slight that it could be just his personality (he is an extrovert...and i'm an introvert)...
and also...what do the brits think of dating an abc?? and what do men think about the age gap...?? is it weird for you guys??
and also...can another give me some tips to attact/flirt/show that i'm interested it who out it being too obvious...because i am super super shy (but have a free spirit and wild personality on the inside )and also don't have a lot of experience....and will he mind that i don't have a lot of experience in dating...??
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what the heck? send him an email already and ask him out for a drink! he will love it even if he is not into you!
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really?? you think so...and can i dig a little deeper and ask why you think he will love it?? hehe : )
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why not? he is a westener and would sure not midn to have a drink with a girl - even if he wants nothing.
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ABC - AMERICAN BORN CHINESE
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Rixn
14 yrs ago
There are only two ways to know if he really is interested in you as a proper partner, or if he just want to have some recreational sex with you:
1) The safe, slow and boring way - go on dates with him, but do NOT go to bed with him until he have proven by his actions that he likes you so much that he want to have you as a proper partner. The rule is: NEVER TRUST WHAT HE SAYS - ONLY WHAT HE DOES, which means, if he never want to disclose for your co-workers that you are dating, then he is hiding something, even if he re-assure you withwords that he loves you. Words doesn't cost him anything - actions do.
2) Start with having sex with him. If he still want's to date you he could be insterested in you more than just a trophy. Still you have to be aware about the sex part - if that is the onbly thing you do when you meet, then there is something wrong. This alternative is mostly good for women who can enjoy sex. For the ones that haven't been enough deveoped in their sexiuality, and still are in the "endure" sex state, I suggest the safe way.
If you never approach him you will never know if he is the one for you. But don't get your hopes up too high - most westerners do plan to go back to their home country. Don't beleve them if they say otherwise. It's up to them to prove that they are serious. NEVER TRUST WHAT HE SAYS - ONLY WHAT HE DOES!
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sicn
14 yrs ago
hippie child
All you need is to be yourself at the same time be friendly, nice, warm and approachable for him. If he is also interested in you, he will notice your subtle interest towards him.
Dont know why some people will automatically come out with ideas like homewrecker, being dumped... Is it something bad for asian girls to date westeners?
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Depends if the guy in question is married/engaged. If he is, DON'T TOUCH. Will end badly for all parties.
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thanks everyone for your advice/comments
i am almost 100% sure (well...nothing in life is ever 100%) that he's single...cuz on a few occasions he has made jokes about how he is one of the good single man out there...
@hkgally....it's not that i don't know how to date a westerner...but in the short time that i have been working and interacting with more brits...i have come to the conclusion that they are kinda different from americans...when it comes to humor and just mannerisms....
@rixn...thanks for the comment and the two ways to go about it..i am for sure more of the first way...i think slow and steady type...hehe....but i don't even know how i should approach him in terms of hanging out out of the office...and we work at a smaller office...so it's kinda like i want to be under the radar...as to not create an sort of gossip...and thanks for reminding me of that he might move back...because i never thought about it...but for me it's really ok....cuz i think after having lived in hk for a year...i am not sure hk is for me..so i wouldn't have a problem with moving to the uk with him...if this becomes that serious (but as you said...i should get my hopes up...so i shouldn't get ahead of myself) : )
@sicn...thanks for your comment...it was nice to have my belief that i should be myself around him affirmed...what i have observed is that in all western countries...mix race dating isn't a big deal...but in asian countries no matter whether you're an abc or not...there is kinda a negative stigma attached to it...
interesting that no one has made a comment about the age difference though...so is it because it's really not a big deal...and I'm just thinking way too much about it...sometimes i just wonder will he think i am way too young?? i mean i don't act like i'm a crazy kid...when i'm at work...i'm totally all focused and put forth a totally professional attitude...but i do have my moments...esp when he's making jokes..i go along with it : )
a new update: i have notice that he likes to joke around with me more than other people in our office...and totally likes to make silly jokes and comments about how "hot" or "awesome" he is around me (is it his way of trying to get me to notice him more??)
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I guess most western guys in China would be happy to date a Chinese girl. Personally, I think being an ABC is probably a bonus, because then he gets the physical benefit of a Chinese girl (assuming he's attracted to Chinese girls) whilst not having to deal with a language or culture barrier.
But ultimately, to put it bluntly, I guess it depends on how good looking you are (and he is). You see, if he has prospects of a better catch elsewhere, then he'll go for that. On the other hand, if he thinks you're a good catch, then I'm sure he'd be happy to have you. But be careful, because if he thinks he can get a better catch elsewhere, he might use you as a stop-gap measure until that opportunity comes along. Well, it depends on the guy really. I mean, some western guys in Shanghai are real quality, but many, from my experience, are just slime.
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The good thing about being in his 30s is that 10 years difference doesn't normally matter that much anymore.
I would suggest not coming on too strong, and poke around to make sure he is not seeing anyone first. When you are ready, just ask him for an impromptu coffee and see how it goes.
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There is a rule somewhere out there...a pretty steadfast one, in my book.
"Dont crap where you eat"
Best not to get into anything with people you work with.
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To be honest, I highly doubt the office affair would work, and when it ends, it could be quite ugly..
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GO FOR IT.... many people have met their spouse in the office ... but you are right to minimize the risk.
Here is my advice;
(1) Take it slowly. Do not hop into bed on the first date (or the second), no matter how big your crush.
(2) The Age & Ethnicity gap should not be a problem if you have interests in common - you will find out if you take it slowly.
(3) 30s & joking about being single ? it’s more likely he’s gay than married. married men hoping to fool around tend to avoid the topic altogether.
(4) Tips to attract & flirt -
- Invite yourself for a drink in a way that is ambiguous. e.g. “we should continue this over a beer” “I feel like a coffee, how about you”
- Smile a lot when he talks.
- Find reasons to ask for advice - “where is a good place to...”
Good Luck !
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sicn
14 yrs ago
Dating a person at work, especially he is older and in a higher position, does need some level of maturity in relationship and work. Maybe Hippiechild shall scale herself on that aspect first before advancing her emotional crushes.
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I haven't read what the other posts said. I'm British and my advice dating a British guy is ask him out for a drink and see what happens. Some nice bars in Tst, quiet. You could teach him how to play shaky shaky.
It doesn't matter if it'll work out or not as he'll probably go back to the UK eventually so just have some fun while you're young!
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we are getting more interaction outside of work...and last night...he started telling me about how he thinks i'm awesome and how i can be more than what i am at my job right now....and then that i was a cool chick compared with this other girl we work with (who everyone thinks is super hot and flirty)....and i was kinda drunk...and i kinda got up the courage to break our touch barrier...(just some non sexual cuddling...if that's the best way to describe it...i just kinda had my arms around him...and then he wrapped his arm around me...)...should i take this as...he thinks of me as a kinda baby sister/friend he wants to take care of...or should i take it as kinda interest??
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He's interested.
He, like you, might also be a bit slow on the uptake.
Maybe you can call him, and say you had fun and would like to meet up again. Maybe as more than just friends.
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i should clarify that i actually ask him in my kinda drunk stage about whether he thinks my co worker is attractive and he didn't volunteer the information...does it make a difference....and also the next morning he texted me to see if i was ok...not hung over....
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ignore previous post please....
i should clarify that i actually asked him in my kinda drunk stage about whether he thinks my co worker is attractive and he didn't tell me the info during our conversation about how we're bonding and that i can be doing more than what i'm doing that my job conversation...does it make a difference??
and also the next morning he texted me to see if i was ok...made sure i'm not hung over....is that another hint???
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If you use the terms "do you find a workmate attractive?" he may think you are talking about another person (not you) and he was confused. If so, that is why he did not answer.
He called to see if you are OK. That is another hint.
It is now your turn to give a clear signal. I would try to arrange to meet again before the end of the holiday. Let him know you would like to meet again soon.
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well...the way i asked him was...do you think my coworker(used her name) is attractive/would you want to date her...and then he said that she has doesn't have as nearly as much personality as me...so i dont think i confused him...it was actually very forward the way i asked him (maybe because i was drunk...hahah)...but then he said i was cooler because i am one of those girls who is able to go watch sports with the boys...where as she wasn't....they were watching a sports game when me and his flatmate got back to their place...
and it wasn't a date...hahaha...he was having a party at his place...
but i don't know if i can be forward and ask him out to do something just the two of us...cuz i think i am way too shy for it...and i want to be more sure that he actually likes me and doesn't think of me as just a friend/person he wants to take care of...before i make any sudden moves...is there a way i can be more sure of the way he feels and what is the best way to flirt with him to let him know that i'm interested??
we work really close to each other...and also tease each other a lot...but i kinda want to bring a little bit more of a sexual(i don't know if that's the best way to put it) energy into the mix...
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Pequoda...I thought you were voting that this a bad idea??
Today was first day back at work...and I don't know if it's all in my head...but I feel like he knows something...but I feel super self conscious sitting next to him...but I invited him to my bday dinner a little later on in the month...and he said yea...
So now I guess I want to know if there is a way I can be more sure of how he feels and make sure it's interest and not just being friendly and caring like he would to a friend or someone he thinks of as kinda a baby sister...
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Nevermind...I didn't completely read you comment pequoda...I know you're being sarcastic...
Mrsmith...why wine bar?
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I am the super shy type...so it's not that i don't want to make a move...but I am again...super shy...and I am afarid of risk because of my super bad track record...
What do you mean when you said he knows me?? Like because he's older with more experience?? So he's able to read me better??
Well I think the feelings on my end have been developing since a month ago ...but we have been working together for a few months now...and he has been kinda doing nice gestures for a while...
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The dinner isn't an alone thing...but I'm kinda doing a work group thing...
And he is not my boss...hehe
He knows it's my bday...because it's been mention during a conversation a while before and another coworker has setup a team/bday dinner for me...
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haha...i'm not a bad girl (at least 95% of the time...but i have my moments..hahah)... when i say bad track record...i mean that i have had my heart broken a few times...and usually the boys that i like....never like me that way...
i can't tell him that i kinda like him...that's WAY too forward...again....i want to be more sure first...give me some practical advice on how i can find out....
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any good recommendations??
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mrsmith...why do you think sooner better than later??? and what makes you so sure i won't crash and burn...you think he's interested??
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Milty
14 yrs ago
hippiechild, stop analysing so much. I must say it's a little painful to read.
If you like him, as him out for a drink. That's practical advice!
If you can't do that, then you will have to wait for him to ask you out. Analysing everything he says and everything he does will not make that happen so just sit back and wait.
Those are your choices.
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We all have to take a risk that we might crash and burn. If he likes you he is worried about the same thing.
It sounds like he made the last move, it is now your turn.
You now risk him thinking that you are not interested, or you are playing mind games, or you are too emotionally immature to have a proper relationship with.
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New update...been texting him...about something the way I was at work today and then kinda called him out of the asking for advice thing he was talking to me about and he hasn't replied...it's been like 20 mins...should I take this as he wants to take back what he said and he might have been skightly tipsy when he said all the things he said...? Don't know if it's because it's been a long day at work...but I have for some strange reason lost all confidence in this whole thing...and that I was just maybe reading way too much into what he said...am I just tired...or maybe the truth is that he meant none of it?
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20 minutes is nothing.
Calm down or you will freak out, and frighten him off.
Think of it like a game of ping pong. Its his turn now. If he takes a day to respond, then you take at least half a day to respond. Not 2 minutes.
Just take turns until you both know what is happening. Or one of you takes the risk and asks the other one out.
Don't mix up private communications with work stuff. It will get confusing. If you are going to text personal stuff, don't do it in work time.
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he still hasn't reply...but since i'm what's app-ing him...i know he's looked at the msg....
well...it started with me asking him if i totally had an angry face on today at work...(it was a super intense day...and seriously nothing went my way...and so i just looked super serious...but then one of my co workers keep asking me if i was ok...which made me even more stressed out)...and he said no...and asked me why...and then i just told him about what happened after he left(which was i had a little miscommunication with my coworker...but everything is ok now)....and then he just said maybe she was just worried about me being super busy....and then i was just telling him that maybe these are the people skills that i need start learning...(mentioned at the conversation at his party...) and then i asked him if he was being serious about me actually being able to come to him for advice...and no reply now....
see we actually sit next to each other at work...so i don't know...is he going to reply...or do you think it's more like he's going to ignore the whole thing??? or use a different way to respond?? and will the way he reply give me a more clear answer as to how he feels??
and yea...i kinda want to text him after work...and about none work things...but i don't know where and how to begin....
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tigerbay....how are you so sure that he's interested?? i feel like you're the only one who has said that he's been interested from the beginning....
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for sure he was interested at the beginning. but i could well imagine that he has lost his interested in what looks like a confused (about herself), insecure and inconcise female...
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whatever..i am sure everyone has one of those days...when they feel they nothing is going right...and just not at their most confident...and i am sure most people behavior way worst than me....
and you know what...at least i reflect on my actions...and think before i act...
and yea...so what i am a little confuse and insecure about this...it's because i know a relationship is a hard time to start and maintain...there is nothing wrong with wanting to be more information and confirmation before just acting out of hormones....
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hippie...follow tigerbay's advice. Be calm and play the ping pong game at his speed. You are too quick.
Smile when you see him and talk about things that are not yourself! Talk about a movie. Music. Politics.
I recommend that you try to read in the Internet a few things about dating and how to interest men.
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he texted back....near 9 last night....at the gym...but he said of course!!!
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Hum...update...I feel like there might be a back out happening...
After the reply from yesterday...this morning in a joking manner he said that we can't be fb friends because of our age and that there needs to be a distance...
And then the bday dinner thing...he just said that he has some relatives coming into town and that he will need to take them out...and that he will try to juggle something...
I don't know...I feel like something is up??? Or is mrsmith right...he was never interested...
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What a load of tosh this thread is. If you meant anything to him he would have pounced - but he didn't and with Valentine and your B'day coming up he hasn't done anything. Wake up and then grow up. It seems you are so immature and there are so many inconsistencies in your side of the saga.
Back to school for you I think.
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Sounds like he is no longer interested.
Many reasons for this probably, not least he thinks there is a conflict at work and he thinks it is not such a good idea.
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Hippiechild, sorry to be so honest, but I must say that he is not interested in you. Let me tell you, I met my boyfriend at work (now together for 3 great years!), and trust me, he made a BIG effort to spend time with me outside of work. If your gut tells you something is wrong, there usually is something wrong! Men love chasing woman when they like someone, and when they do, you KNOW it for a fact.
Some men say things like 'a great single guy like me', and because you like him oh-so much, you think 'ahh, he is probably hinting something!'. Well, he probably wasn’t. Western men are straightforward, no guessing games involved.
He is not a teenager; he is a grownup who is probably:
1) in a serious relationship,
2) sleeping with woman, a.k.a. enjoying his single life in Asia (like many people do), or
3) not into you
Whichever one it if, it is obvious you have to move on.
You sound like a lovely girl, you deserve much better. If he really liked you, you would not be playing the guessing game anymore; he would have made a move already!
Best of luck!
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Didn't read into every post above nor follow the thread, so it may sound out of context but my only comment is "stay away from office romance as far as you can". :P
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