Posted by
venusmars
14 yrs ago
Hello Everyone,
I (female) have been dealing with quite a personal issue and would like to know what others think of this. My partner and I have been together for more than 3 years, and he is –very simply put- never in the mood to be intimate with me.
I understand that the first 6months are considered your ‘honeymoon’ period; however, 3 years on, we are now at an all-time low of being intimate for approximately 3 times a month. We are in our early 30s!
I have tried everything, sexy lingerie, creating the mood with a nice glass of wine, telling him I want him, etc. However, he keeps on telling me he is very tired, and postpones the moment every time I am up for it and make a move.
He does work extremely long hours, however, I am a passionate person who would love to be intimate much more than we are now.
I know for a fact that he is not cheating on me (went through his emails/ phone etc); I try to stay fit by going to the gym and eating healthy. I have brought up the subject a couple of times with him, he is telling me he is just really stressed with work, and that he still loves me.
It does affect my self esteem though. Is he no longer into me?
Any suggestions on how to bring passion back into our lives?
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I could be stress at work. This really lowers the libido.
Do you bonk on holidays? If you haven't had a break in a while go for a dirty/romantic weekend away. If he is 'active' then you know the cause is worklife stress, and can re-asses work life balance, and even career options.
If he is still not interested, you have identified a reason it isn't.
There is also an article on loss of libido on MSN UK today.
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Ed
14 yrs ago
We ran this story recently:
Men complain that hair loss meds are wrecking sex life
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/men-complain-that-hair-loss-meds-are-wrecking-sex-life-2248128.html
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I would recommend a great book on this topic that offers a way for couples to work through the issue together:
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743227328
I found it incredibly helpful.
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Thank you everyone for your replies.
Hoyo, I am really not the dominant type, he asked me the other day to look in his email as he needed me to forward him a personal email to his work email. I sometimes use his phone, as he does mine. He also knows all my log-in codes, we are very transparent in that way - we both don't have anything to hide.
Does anyone have dealt with a similar situation? Any good tips how to spice things up again?
Thank you! :)
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Wow, this is a horrendous position to be in. As a woman or as a man. One's self-esteem does hinge on how attractive their partners find them, hell, if that weren't the case I know a lot of people who would completely let themselves go! Lol.
OP, don't stress too much about your your body, I am sure you are fine. All the money you spend on your hair, fitness and make up are not going to be noticed in a sexual outcome from this man. More likely he may feel even more guilt for all the effort he sees you making and says even less about it to compliment you because he is only highlighting where he is failing.
I have known others to have this similar problem, the "low libido" but then they also happened to be closet homo's...so hmm, its not that I am saying your man is one. But as another poster asked, do you guys still get all rowdy in the sack when you go on holiday? If so, well, maybe it is the workstress.
Personally, I don't think its ok for someone to totally neglect the intimacy purely because of work. Does he cuddle? Does he hug you or spoon when you sleep? Or do you think he avoids it because he fears you will look at it as a means to jump his bones?
I think, instead of trying to amp up your WOW factor, try to bring the smaller bits of intimacy into your life. Cuddle, hug, rub a back or a shoulder, nuzzle a neck and small kisses that do not lead to sex. Bring all that back into your life and then do so without expecting sex as an end result. You may find that this lack of pressure will help ease him into it...I mean, if this is a man you love and in every other facet of your relationship you guys are great together, then you owe it to him and yourself to be patient enough to not put a specific time limit on it. But hey, a few weeks of the small stuff should easily make it better, right? One would assume.
I know in past relationships that I was unhappy in, I might have even turned off the small shows of affection purely because the person I was with would mistake that as a chance to hump my leg like some lost frikken puppy! So yeah, like I said, no pressure for sex, no need to bring out the lingerie (as you know that doesn't work and is probably the biggest neon sign saying "doggie wants a bone!")...just be you, be warm and don't overdo the cuddles.
Just my two cents.
(the above opinions are contrary to what I myself did, after several years of a relationship just like yours, I left. I got fed up of counting days, weeks, months between mediocre shags, that I gave up. But hey, hindsight can always help others) :)
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That said, and I know this is hardly any consolation, 3 times a month is about as good as many couples get. Thats almost (almost!) once a week! Lol.
Most people start their life out with three times a day! But hey, over time they settle for anything more than three times a year! Count yourself lucky in that factor. I mean, I know my best friend for instance is perplexed how he ever managed to get his wife pregnant with their second because he can't even remember they having sex more than 7 times in one year. Go figure!
And of course, its even less now! *SMH* Poor sod! That said, the story is usually a "woman not putting out" one rather than the other way around, but people rarely speak out (like you) when its their man who isn't putting out. Most women will look at it as a failing of some kind or feel pervy for wanting a fair share of the nookie game. Sad really, unfair and sad.
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Justin Credible (PD), Thank you very much for your long reply.
This is certainly a topic that very few woman talk about, maybe out of shame, or because it is ‘expected of women’ to have a lower sex drive than men (?). I took it to this forum simply because I am too embarrassed to discuss this with my girlfriends; they are all good friends with my partner too and I think that some things are just too personal to discuss out in the open.
Anyway, to respond to your message, we certainly do cuddle, we hug, I give him small kisses, massage his back. When we go on a holiday, we have a great time – yes also in the sack! One of the reasons why we hardly have any sex is as soon as he had his dinner; he goes to bed (during weekdays). He works 15 hours a day, gets up super early and leaves the office really late (seems to be quite normal in Asia- coming from Europe, these were things I really had to get used to, but that is a whole different thread). I am more of an evening person, so don’t want to go to bed at 9:30/10:00PM – I’m simply not tired. Leading to the following scenario: He asleep, me on the couch watching TV until 12PM.
I have tried going to bed with him (that) early, to cuddle a little with him (and not to be the little puppy humping up and down his leg), but he is just so tired he usually falls asleep after we hug for a couple of minutes.
Unfortunately, he is also not in the position to change his job right now, there are good future career prospects for him and his manager has told him that the first 2 years will be tough in terms of working hours and effort put into the role. I know that some of you might say: well work is work, life is life; however, I do sometimes believe that you need to make some sacrifices before reaching your goal, and I don’t want to take away this great future career patch simply because – well- I want to have more...sex.
Looking at all the advice given, all (?) the suggestions above seem to be coming mostly from men. This also shows to me that this is a pretty ‘taboo’ subject for most women; however I really don’t accept to believe that I am the only one out there with this issue.
I will stop making too much of an effort (hair, makeup, lingerie etc), maybe I should make sure he is as relaxed as possible when he gets home, and focus more on the weekends, and also the holidays.
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venusmars, you are not alone. I am sure of this. And hey, its a good thing you came on here to get a chance to see what peoples opinions were and if others have been in the same situation. Don't give up totally on doing your hair and make up, lol but just know that the way you look or how fit you are right now, its good enough, you don't need to worry about this. OK? You are fine the way you are, as he shows you on the weekend and when you go on holiday...but early bed times and early rise times, they can be quite the burden on a relationship.
I knew a friend who dated a big time stoner once. And she was always complaining to me how she never got enough sex because she had to work and would have to go to bed at least by 10pm, and her stoner bf was always up reading or in front of the TV until the wee hours. Of course she used to try to stay up with him, waiting for him to get sleepy, but then gave up at some point. Things didn't change until she stuck to her routine, sleeping early everytime and then the stoner bf started to complain how they rarely have sex and how she is always going to bed so early. So my friend told him that he stays up too late for her and she has to work early. And he said he can't see himself going to bed so early (10pm). So the compromise she came up with was "come to bed when I do, get sex, then you are free to get back out of bed and lounge in front of the TV to your hearts content!"
Problem solved!
Of course, you are saying he is too tired even then...your man. So maybe, as you said, you need to focus on making that weekend nookie count. That once a week should be something sacred, almost. And the rest of the week, keep it kosher. I mean, no point in mastrubating all week and then findin it hard to get to the finish on the weekends. Just learn to be content with the cuddles or try to nab the early morning quickie. That one is always a winner, who cares if it means you are half asleep! Where there is a will, there is a way...and really, most men are up for something in the morning, you just got to teach him what that something is. Lol.
All kidding aside. You are stuck in a position where you don't want to mess with his job, that part is not going to change, right? So you have to adjust the way you cope with it. That is the only way your relationship is going to survive. Once your man feels less pressure, and once you know its not you, its the work, then you both can feel more secure in your relationship.
Good luck.
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Hi Venusmars
It is a bit of a taboo subject for men as well. Which is why we get that odd little troll popping on the forum with silly remarks occasionally. A man cannot admit to not being able to satisfy his woman, now can he. Who does the man have to talk to?
Sounds like it is work pressures. If you are wiling to put up with this for the sake of the future then perhaps it is your own frustration that needs managing. If you can accept the level of intimacy you do have for each other, and do the sex on your own during the week. And try and schedule some protected time at the weekend. Forget the laundry on Saturday and Sunday. Forget cooking and washing up, send out of pizza.
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Maybe he is so open and transparent with his email and mobile because he has a separate account and a phone with prepaid card somewhere safely out of your reach for communication with someone else. The married guy I had an affair with worked 6.5 days – yes, that’s no typo, six and half days – a week, from 8am to 8pm (8am to 2pm for the half day). Plus some overtime. And we still found time to see each other.
When I asked him what would he do if his wife asked for sex on a night we had just had a thorough romp in his office after work, he said he will say he is too tired, worked too hard the whole day.
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Did this same married guy you were seeing also have sex with his wife on weekends and have no problems with enthused sex with his wife on holidays? Just curious.
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What is his job security like? If he's constantly thinking about work and how to make a living that is tough. Does he have a lot of debt or a large mortgage or something else bothering him? After a long day, he probably just wants to sit down and veg. Also, if you try too hard that may also put him off. How long were you going out with one another before you got married?
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Thank you everyone for all your interesting comments. To clarify and answer some of the questions above:
We are not married, we have been together for more than 3 years and living in Asia together for a bit more than 2. Regarding him working so hard; we are currently trying to save as much money as we can as we would like to buy a property in the -hopefully near- future. As I am on a local contract, my wage is not that high, which perhaps puts more pressure on him as he is the one bringing in most of the money.
I am currently talking to other companies to see if there is a opportunity for me to switch jobs and therefore earn more money, and take some of the pressure off of him.
Just a (perhaps personal) question for the men reading this post: What would be a turn-on for you/ helps you to relax after a busy day, even if you are tired? I understand that this might be very personal to share, however I do believe that more couples are dealing with this issue even though nobody really dares to talk about it...
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There isn't much you can do apart from being cool. Don't nag, don't try too hard and don't organise too much. In short, do nothing and don't lose your temper. You may not get an immediate result but he will appreciate it in the long run. You mention plans. Are you he wants the same thing? Are you planning on going back to your home country or will you buy a place in Singapore? Also, can you subtlely check what he is up to when working so late (ie without him knowing)? Sorry to bring this up, but there is a lot of temptation out there and you are not married. It sounds as if he isn't cheating but there could be someone chasing him.
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Answer to Justin Credible’s question 4 days ago: Yes. Though apparently not as much as he would have liked, since in his case the missus was not interested.
And I second Loyd Grossman’s suggestion to discreetly check that he really is in his office and working on his paid job in the evenings especially. A lot of men have wizened up to the fact that any change in normal routines is a dead giveaway and will alert the wife. Maybe he has convinced his supervisor to let him delegate some of his workload to coworkers and is able to leave office earlier now, yet he still comes back home as late as before. What he does in the hours between, he of course won’t tell you…
Sorry if this seems pessimistic, but you sound so sure of him, and I know so many cases where the wife would have bet the life of their children that HER husband at least is not the cheating type.
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I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is tired, stressed, and doesn't have the drive. Please do not get dragged into the "every man is a womanizer / every man is bad" vortex of suspicion & failed relationships. People who go there spend the rest of their lives unhappy.
My suggestion is for you to go to bed with him, and make the first move, by which I mean: put your hand and/or mouth to work on his crown jewels. Hopefully his body will respond, and the rest of him will follow.
Even though he is tired; I assure you once the blood shifts south, nature will take its course, and he will find some energy. After which, he'll probably fall asleep very satisfied, and you can get up and do what you wish.
good luck.
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Ref. venusmars last request for suggestions.
Similar to Capt Dave. But you don'e have to wait till bed time.
BJ
In the shower (ambush) on the sofa, wherever.
BUT no expectation of anything other than his pleasure. If he is worried that you are expecting something, he may be put off. And so tell him so.
If he responds then great, but make it clear he doesn't have to. That takes the pressure off.
No matter how tired, a BJ is always welcome.
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mjk
14 yrs ago
My wife did a bit of an informal "survey" among her girlfriends and it was surprising that there are indeed a large number of couples having sex 3-4 times a months, often less. Some only have sex with the sole purpose to conceive, and don't even bother at other times. And these are healthy couples in their early 30s, appearing absolutely happy (from the outside).
I must say that I personally also feel too tired from work sometimes, but that at those times my wife makes it a point to take the initiative and does not necessarily expects anything in return. Without this pressure, sometimes it just relieves my stress, sometimes it will still lead to proper sex.
And if my mind becomes too occupied with work for too long a period or if I travel too much for work, I make it a point to take 1-2 days or at least an afternoon off. I am fortunate enough that my work allows me to do so, but I personally would not enslave myself for my company and work 15 hours for days in a row in the hope that my boss appreciates it and gives me a bit more money one day.
(Even though I also thought all this may be kind of a taboo topic for many, but my wife tells me this is not the case, and that most are not shy to share their story)
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Hi Everyone, Thank you for all your comments and suggestions.
Tigerbay, After reading your comment ("don't wait till bed time") I took it to the test... And it worked! Will be applying that more often!
Thank you for all of your suggestions, lets hope that this is a temp thing and that things will get better soon!
Happy love-making everyone! ;)
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