Posted by
ericawky
14 yrs ago
Hi. I'm 25 local Chinese girl and my boyfriend is English. I found out we had the culture problems, I don't know what he wants sometimes. Any British can help me? Please drop me your e-mail and meet up for coffee, I really need some advice! Thank you so much!
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We would love to keep it until we get marry. But I don't mind that if he needs but he seems very conservative! Help!
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You haven't even told us what your problem really is. What is the differences you are coming across?
This is an advice forum, so really, you air your laundry and we try to spray it with a bit of stain remover! You don't need to meet for a coffee to do that, just air it all our here!
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The problem is I think I don't know the English Culture very well and I think I need more friends who come from UK can tell me more about that.
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I would say that English culture is very heterogeneous. The same goes for most other Western nations. Issues likely to cause friction in a relationship are probably more likely to be grounded in personal habits/beliefs than in widely-held cultural practices.
It's always good to make friends, so I'm not trying to dissuade you from inviting people out for coffee (especially if you're treating), but I'm not sure that it will necessarily ultimately help you w/re to your bf.
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Maybe no need meet up for coffee, I can tell you what my question from email. May I have your email address, actually I only want some advice.
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AX has a mail option, so you can mail people or they can mail you if they are interested in a private discussion, its unlikely anyone will be keen to just give a stranger their e-mail address, just sayin.
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Ok. I will use that, thank you!
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I am not sure there's an easy definition of an "English Culture", for you to "know". It all depends on how, when, where you were brought up, educated etc etc.
I am quite different to other of my English friends in the way I think and act, and then similar to many others.
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Cross cultural problems are many and often small.
Relationship problems between people of the same culture are many and often small.
Often in cross cultural relationships the problems we have are not cultural, they are interpersonal.
As with any relationship you have to learn to understand each other, take the good and manage the bad. Not everything is about culture. Yes cultural problems exist, but you need to define your own relationship.
There are lots of books on the big cultural differences between China and the west. There are also lots of posts on this website.
Most relationships falter when one or both people are being unreasonable, and by this I mean unreasonable even in their own culture.
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Depends on what ultimately you want from the relationship - if it's marriage and money then wariness is what the strain is likely to be about. I'm talking from a viewpoint of someone who's been married to a local HK girl for 26 years. You both need to understand what each wants from your relationship and whether you have chance to succeed or not. It's not about understanding each other's culture that first and foremost but understanding each other.
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Erica, I am from the UK, and also male - so maybe I can be of some assistance. It is quite correct that there are certain cultural (and language) differences that you will need to overcome on top of the usual issues of getting to know each other that you would still have even if you are both from the same culture. Email me thru Asia Xpat and I am happy to chat with you further if that would be helpful.
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Good point.
No two men are exactly the same.
It is like me asking "Tell me about Chinese women, as I am having some cultural issues"
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I think that it is important for understand each other,talk more with each other.hope you happy and get some advice.
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RA
14 yrs ago
I am an Asian and this is totally my point of view from my experience with 'Brits' in HK, so pls do not shoot me. I have found that Asian's are very direct in speaking and come to the point straight a way and 'Brits' have a very round about way of speaking, they keep going in circles. Also I sometimes find them 'too' sugary polite.
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Thank you for all reply!!
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It takes a great effort to have a good understanding of another culture. I find that few people from within a society really understand how it works. Of course, they know the social rules and generally know how to get along with others. That is quite different from really understanding. I've done cultural anthropological studies in several countries and it is always difficult. I only say this to warn you that very few Brits know enough about their own culture to provide truly useful advise. A foreigner can only understand a small amount about another culture without an inside guide who knows the system. In general, that means getting inside a social circle of English women (preferably mothers). Men in general are not sensitive enough to social cues to really know the social system works. They know their roles and happy enough to leave the rest alone. If Ericawhy is not moving to the UK, maybe a deep understanding of English culture is not necessary.
I am not pessimistic, but one needs to be realistic about what is possible. Ericawhy is not considering marrying the entire English nation, but just one man. I assume that if he wanted an English wife, he wouldn't have a relationship with a HK Chinese lady. It is safe to assume that he likes that fact that Ericawhy is Chinese and doesn't expect her to be English. What he probably wants is a life partner who is interested in making him happy and being happy with his company. That is not such a big enterprise. He is just one man.
Books about cultural differences and social values can be helpful. Novels are also a nice way to see inside another society. Historic novels and biographies are also helpful. All of this goes only a little way, but maybe it is all Ericawhy needs. If Ericawhy has a kind and fun personality, her man will love her for who she is.
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I did. From a Mrs Lee of HK
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You can try reading the following book:
One couple two cultures - Dan Waters
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She doesn't go by the name of Shirley, does she?
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There are some rather unhelpful comments on this thread. Are they posted by Aussies? (just asking..)
I have heard one main difference between Chinese and English women (perhaps this might answer the problem, not sure) is that Chinese girls like a boyfriend to be very 'doting' 'romantic' and sit holding her hand gazing into her eyes.
English men are not like this and they don't like 'dependent' women unless they themselves are pretty insecure.
Chinese women can also be very clingy and intense in their female friendships (a turn off too for English ppl)
So be yourself and not an appendage and certainly not clingy.
Hope this helps :)
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Regarding marriage-dont expect marriage just because you are going out. Many English men would not marry in their 30s and would be wary of marrying an immature girl (as you should be, marrying an immature man,I guess) :)
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jk47
13 yrs ago
I could go into the whole sarcasm ‘he might say one thing but not actually mean it’ stuff, or the deep suppressed racism of english people with the whole ‘we ran the whole world you know’, but my main question is, what do you see in this guy?
I mean you seem to have nothing in common, you don't get him and even need to come onto a forum to try and build a foundation for some common ground! What is wrong with dating local guys? What puts this individual on a pedestal, in so much that you have to change and adapt to accommodate him? Why can't he learn about your culture and try and bridge that gap from his end?
English men are boring, shallow, incompetent, untrustworthy, egoistical and rude, and that is just their finer points! Everything from English culture is begged, borrowed and stolen, I mean how can they have curry as their national dish?? They just have great PR, to put out this 'gentlemen' myth, and cover up the evils that the english inflicted onto the world.
If you feel this way now, it is only going to get worse through the years, save yourself the trouble and just get out. 'No matter how far you have walked down the wrong road, it is never too late to turn back'.
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jk47. So I gather from your post you were dumped by an English guy.
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Thank you very much! Its improve a lot and he found his way to love me, that's not the problem now!
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LGMV > JK47 joined on Sept 2nd, and the same day replied to a thread that had been dormant for 86 days. no other activity. One might conclude s/he set up this id just for trolling.
Definitely someone with a chip on the shoulder. Either a girl who was dumped by an Englishman, or perhaps a man who's partner ran away for an English guy ?
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jk47
13 yrs ago
CaptDave, or should I call you Detective Columbo because your just amaze me with your investigative skills! I see all you can do is attack me as a poster, offer nothing but ad-hominem attacks, yet no defence to what I said.
I felt compelled to make a comment because I wanted to understand why the original poster felt so compelled to feel she had to be the one to adapt and change, this is a valid point and one which you offered no reply to. Not surprising of course when you look at the history of where the English have been, Australia, NZ, Canada, USA, the indigenous population killed off and replaced, and then in Spain and France they live in their own communities with fish and chip shops.
And why are you in HK? Because England is ash*thole, full of immigrants and now worse off than a 3rd world country (poetic justice). I've heard American tourists describe the current state of England as 'your Vietnam', people from countries perceived to be the 3rd world are shocked and appalled at the state of the country, and what do people like you do about it? You move away!
Can I have your next prognosis please Sherlock?
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jk47. Just out of interest. Do you think HK would be so successful now if it weren't for the British?
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Loyd, yes, the British Government did contribute and shape what is HK today (or until the handover), but to credit the success of HK entitrely on British is a bit of exaggerate, sucess of any form is always a team work, no one person or government can claim all the glory. In the case of HK, perhaps its people, the combination of Chinese culture and the British style rule results in its success.
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Ed
13 yrs ago
It is my understanding that HK was a backwater for over 100yrs... it only became a significant trading centre after China kicked foreigners out of Shanghai and other trading ports after the Communists took over...
The wealthy Shanghainese families shifted their wealth and businesses to Hong Kong which allowed Hk to rise from obscurity into a powerhouse...
Of course British rule of law was critical in HK becoming a finance centre so as pointed out, it was a cooperative effort.
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JK47 - I didn't respond to your points because they were so dogmatic, it seemed to be the work of someone either (a) looking for a good fight (trolling), or (b) with a serious chip on their shoulder. In either case, it would not help the original poster. Generalizations about groups of people (and sterotypes) are not helpful for people resolving relationship issues.
by the way; I am not English myself.
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I thought chip shops were run by Hong Kong Chinese in Uk. Heh heh!
As is where the 'villagers' live who wish to reclaim their ancestral rights of land in New Territories and get their moneys worth.
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...and where the HK Chinese like to send their children to school - Winchester, Harrow etc.
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We are all the same. We all wish to be happy, to find our soul mate ... so all you must do in my humble opinion is ask him, talk to him, share all that you truely feel with him, he is just as human as you are. Love knows no boundaries. So Good luck lady and remember you too come from a very cultured class of people.
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Hugie
13 yrs ago
I don't have one friend who is happy in his marriage to a HK Chinese woman! Not saying it's your fault, just saying it don't work!
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A good book I read was One Couple Two Cultures by Dan Waters. I realise I'm posting s little late on this one but maybe it'll help someone else.
My husband and I don't really have cultural issues, but it was an interesting book none the less. Did you know it was western women who married Chinese men in the olden days, rather than the other way round, as it mainly is these days?
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