When there is no compatibility between the married couple?

I know it was a silly story to tell as I'm playing the 3rd person here. I'm not sure if this is called an affair since no sex is involved, but at least an emotional affair I think ... I and this guy were business school classmates. We have lots of shared friends, often hanged out. We got close for the past 3 months. I didn't find out he's married until one month after he showed his interest. Yea, I was kind of stupid as it seems everyone else knew... He resisted me for 2 months but for the past 1.5 months, because we were graduating, he move forward and we were seeing each other everyday...


He met his wife at college and got married shortly after college and then both worked as engineers. After these years (he's now 31), he went into business field. Both of them changed a lot, "they don't care what each other is doing and have little common language". He wants to stay in US while his wife wants to go back to europe and live with her parents. He said he was not ready when they got married. They broke up once before marriage. He fell in love with another girl, but that girl left him and married someone else. So he got back to his now wife, and out of family and her pressure, they got married. He said he didn't want to hurt her because they've been living together for long. Once I heard him answer his wife's call, they sounded like my 50 year old parents talking without affection. But I know he still loves her since they've been together for 10 years. They've tried to work on their issues but didn't work out.


Because of his status, I was not very attentive to him while he's an "attention whore". He often got jealous of me dating other guys and felt insecure. He's normally a serious person (a bit nerdy), not the type that flirt around. He told me he fell in love with me. Before we parted to different cities, he spent 10 days writing me a long letter about his feeling (both handwritten and typed)... He looked very manly from outside but was very sweet and caring inside... I thought it just would end as we parted, so I treated him nicely before I left -- we went out a lot and I accepted his kiss. The thing is, now 2 weeks after I left, he's still calling me and texting me every day, saying he felt empty and half of him is gone. Last weekend he got a bit drunk and said he wanted every friend to know we are together, he wants to give up everything to be with me...


I liked him but wasn't too much into it before I left... I have been conflicting and told him not to call me any more because I don't want to fall.... but now I really start missing him --- we have many things in common, had same classes, similar life goals, hobbies, interests. The chemistry was good. But based on my reading of him, I think he won't leave his wife if she doesn't ask for it, because he's too afraid of hurting her (She made sacrifice to move to US with him)... And we both agreed, his interest in me and his marriage issue are two separate things. His wife really wants a baby, but he's kind of confused and not working on it. They only have sex once for the past 2 months as he said...


So, experts, what should I do? I really like him, but this is such a mess. I'm ashamed I got into this as I'm an independent career woman and there are many guys out there for me, but I just fall for him... If you were him, how would you deal with your marriage problem?

Look at the guy. He got married cos he got 'pressured' into it and only after the 'other' girl went off with another guy.


Do you want to be with a guy who has a weak will and goes after the next best thing?


You are a career woman. This bloke goes on a whim. He's weak of mind, weak of heart and a plain unfaithful idiot. Find a better man. Move on.

I'm a guy btw

The Regents, your case is actually quite simple. The man is a fully married. He does not have plans to get divorced. He lives full time with his wife. And they are thinking about having a baby. How hard they work on it does not make a difference.


If he really wants to give a chance to the two of you, he should inform his wife that the marriage is over, move out of the house, and start divorce proceedings. Anything less than that and you are placing yourself at a very painful spot, known as being a MISTRESS. You will be second. You will be a secret. And you will not get the man.

He will tell you anything to have you be with him. I mean, if he tells you he's madly in love with his wife, has sex every single week but still wants you, well that's not going to get him very far is it?

Don't waste your time, you are young, have a career, by the sounds of it, loads of friends, could meet a legitimate mate.

The outcome here is unlikely to be good for you (but will definitely be pretty good for him). Scenario 1. you become his mistress forever. Scenario 2. you become his mistress and he leaves you for new booty later on (and now you're older and unfortunately less eligible...look it is what it is) Scenario 3. He leaves her and marries you and then cheats on you. Scenario 4. He leaves her, marries you and you live happily ever after.....get my drift?

What the man says is only one side of his feelings about his marriage (NB this is not the same as only his side of the story), it is only one side of his story. The side of his marriage that he is discontent with. There is another side that he is content (if not happy) with.


I think most married people go through this phase of discontentment. And when we chat to people, particularly those of the opposite sex who we have got close too, there will be a tendency to overstate/understate things to a sympathetic ear.


There is an inappropriate relationship here. And as you suggested, an affair of the hear. I think the posh term is emotional infidelity.


If he had already left his wife things would be more clear cut. He hasn't even sorted out his own feelings about his own wife yet. You are probably just an emotional lifeboat at best. I am sure that he has his wires crossed. I am sure he thinks he loves you. Thinking is one thing, acting on those feelings in another. The biggie is, 'Can he follow through?', this is unlikely.


My 2c

The only people who truly know what is going on in that marriage is the husband and the wife. You only know what he's telling you. You haven't seen them together alone or with their friends and family and neither do you actually know her. Take whatever he says about their marriage with a pinch of salt.


My advice would be to stay away from him. Don't ruin your reputation by going public amongst your friends - i'm sure they would think less of you and your decisions.


This man is married - stay away. If you really must go there, then he needs to be committed to ending his marriage for you. Right now, his talk is cheap and so might you feel the same if you continue down this slippery path.


I agree with a previous poster, do you really want to be with a man as weak as he was to let himself be pressured into marriage?? Also, this is his wife and even if he doesn't want to be married to her, it's clear that he still loves her - do you really want to be with someone who treats someone he loves with such little respect? He chases after other women, writes love letters, is constantly in touch with you with practically no thought for his wife and the impact his actions would have on her. He needs to grow some and end his marriage for good or snap back into reality and get on with his marriage.

lagrue's 4 scenarios are spot on, but i would like to mention that scenario 4 does indeed exist (out of personal knowledge)

I am so sad to hear that at the time he married to his life was because of "pressure" from different parties, but not love. This kind of "forced marriage" barely happens nowdays, of course it did happen a long long time ago.


You are a carrer woman, you have many choices, the point is you just fell in love with him even you know it is not appropriate. I can only say this is kind of human weakness "doing wrong thing and you know it".


From the description you wrote about him, if I were him, I love you so much/crazy and am not living well with my wife, PLUS WE DON'T HAVE KID, I will choose to leave my wife, it is fair to both of you. If I don't like/love someone, how can I be tolerant to live with her/him under the same roof?


If he chooses to leave his wife, then you can stay with him. If he does nothing, you should ask yourself, what do you want? Just to be his mistress?

sounds quite typical.


he closes his back door by saying: i wont divorce my wife, it's your choice to stick with me, and it's not negotiable.


I say, if i dont wanna hurt my wife, i dont 'DO' anthoer woman when i know it's gonna hurt her feelings. 'Not divorcing her' doesnt protect her enough.

he moralises his actions: he doesnt have much sex with his wife, so that's acceptable for him to get sex somewhere else. since he loves you so much, therefore the sex partner should be YOU and 'THAT'S OKAY', it's not your faults nor his.


he makes you think his marriage is 'unfixable', BECAUSE HE IS NOT TRYING HARD TO MAKE BABIES WITH HER. he is not going to have babies with you neither, in his logic, then your relationship with him wouldnt be that faouvrable tho.


he makes you think HE IS SERIOUS by SAYING he WANTS to tell all your mutual friends. other than that, what else he does to prove it?


if he ever does, he should tell ALL HIS FRIENDS, FAMILY AND THOSE OF YOURS. and literally does it, not wanting to do it. i know it's not easy when it comes to a moral issue, but hey, if he was forced by pressure to marry a girl, he will be pressured by not having a mistress. so, that position cant exist anyway.


what is he requesting from you anyway? having an affair and fling overseas is the safest play. with the distance constrains you cant go further interupt his life. i think he enjoys the notion of getting romance, he is attracted to you, but marriaged people do attract to people, but that not love. when he got enough from you, he would prob 'feels guilty to hurt his wife or the wife starts to notice or he doenst deserve your love since he cant give you what you deserve and hope you finding a good man blah blah blah.



however, i might be wrong.



to prove it, ask him to discuss with you how is he going to keep his relationship with you with concrete plans, and if he is willing to committ to that like his marriage if his love for youis ture. otherwise, what's the point of all these?


usually, when a woman ask a guy about how often do you guys meet up,when and where, with actual dates and when is the next a/v one. when he knows the woman is that darn serious, he should be VERY HAPPY as he LOVES her so much. if he stalls, then he is not as sincere as he says.


guys like to be wanted, they like playing romance as well. i am sure he really wants you now, but not forever; he wants you hard, but not too hard to make any changing of his life.

So you've known this guy for a while.. taken classes with him (im guessing not a short course ).. have common friends together, yet everyone seemed to know about his marriage except you? Somehow i dont buy this.. The guy doesnt even wear a wedding ring?


But anyway, you mentioned he is the nerdy type and doesnt flirt around. It seems he is now doing what most people get out of their system in their teenage years. He has obviuosly not had much attention or was too shy to go looking for it when he was younger, and now after jumping into a marriage before finding out what is out there, he suddenly wants to see whats on the otherside of the hill.


Mind you, if he really was unhappy with his marriage and so into you, he would not hesitate to end it. Or perhaps he cant leave her because he is so concerned for his wifes feelings, or perhaps he wont know what his friends will say, or perhaps his family will be left ashamed by his actions.. He seems to care more for what others think about him, rather than what he thinks is right or wrong. He is the perfect example of a weak character.


HAving said all this, as Cookie09 mentioned, there is still a possibility of scenario 4. But he will need to do something to prove this to you, and I mean not saying that he wants to, but actually doing something and showing you. But my suggestion is to let him do it by his own will, otherwise i'm sure that in 5 years time he will be telling another woman that he was "pressured" into leave his wife by you.



Goodluck!

Thanks all for the insightful suggestions. I know, quite common sense, I should get him out of my life. Last Monday I told him not to call any more. I felt alright about it. Life goes on and I have been busy working on my startup. But on Thursday he sent me a facebook message saying he hates me for making him so alone and ask if he can unfriend me on facebook. I just nicely replied him. And until yesterday, he bursted out: He said he had a huge fight with his wife and suggested they both move on. It took him a lot of courage to eventually say so. he said he will go through divorce. I was shocked. He told me it has nothing to do with me. They have been on the verge for the past 2 years. The past 3 months that we got together made him regain positive view of life.


Well... the most drama part is, after he told me this. He started to fight me back on the fact that I was dead serious about not contacting him for the past one week. We constantly texting back and forth. I was trying to make him feel better and explain that I didn't contact because I didn't want to involve further since he's married. He just doesn't accept it and refused to call me and present his deeply hurt stance. I can't calm him down. I asked him, if he doesn't mean to contact me any more why the hell he texted me that he had fight with his wife. He said he wanted to know if I still want to hear from him... Now I have to pamper him in order to make him not angry at me... I don't know why he always feel insecure. I know when we were together, I was kind of flirty with other guys, but I've treated him very nicely... The relationship is getting really weird. On one side, I don't want to get involved in his marriage. I hope it just goes where it should be. If he's single again, we may contact. On the other hand, I'm a caring person I don't want him to be angry at me. He fully understands my dilemma but he keeps being angry at me if I don't make him feel loved... Sometimes I feel like our gender roles just reversed.


I'm really tired. We are in different cities in US and I may return to China at some point. He wouldn't let me go. He said he will ask his company to put him in China for a rotation if I go back. It just seems everything is messed up. Even though personally I don't like living in China but I have a good job there and it's where my start-up business is based and it's been my dream to pursue it.


I really like this guy. We have similar emotion level. He's hot tempered and romantic. Career wise we are similar. I don't know if I will still find a fit for me if I go back to china, as woman like me is kind of depreciated there... But like all you said, I don't know if I should go ahead with him even if he's divorced: Will he cheat if we were together? and how do we explain to our over 100 common school friends (even tho all around the world, gossip can still fly) that we are together?

To be clear, we haven't had sex, as I insisted... So I don't even know if we sexually fit.

He needs to sort his own life out first before making such strong demands of you.


His divorce would be a prerequisite but not a guarantee that your relationship could continue.


You have to also realise that you see the real weaknesses and bad side of people during times of stress (not during the "honeymoon" lustful period). You mentioned that you felt that he is really insecure... not sure he is emotionally that mature.


Well, you have to make your own mind up... needless to say, if he can't even pluck up the courage to get the divorce, it's highly inadvisable to become his mistress.

"Now I have to pamper him in order to make him not angry at me... I don't know why he always feel insecure."


I hate to break this to you but you dont HAVE TO do anything!


Seriously, not unless it is you that is insecure, coz lets face it, who gives a rats arse if this guy gets angry at you? Why should you care? He has had no problem chasing you while married, he is NOT a catch. Maybe you aren't as busy in your life or as fulfilled to notice that this guy is a loser and that you really ought to value yourself more than to settle for less.


Seriously....*cringe* would you really want to find out if you "sexually fit" with someone so socially/emotionally crippled they would act so needy and lay the guilt on you this badly?