MARRIED MEN - Have u strayed before, then stayed faithful to your wife?

In a quandery. Opinions please? Will he stray again? Should I stay or go? Should I have a baby with him?


I am 33 and my husband is 39.

I have known him for more than 18 years.

We have been married for 6yrs.


We dated long distance before this for 5 years.


During the 4th year of long distance dating we briefly broke off for 2 months when he in all likelihood cheated with someone else because I constantly was getting brushed off on the phone for 1mth. Based on this I the broke it off with him in the second month. At the end of the month he flew over to see me to get the relationship back. I don't know if it was his getting cold feet so close to the wedding date or not but I was not too upset at this but I made it clear to him he coud not be unfathful during the marriage as it would be devastating and change the dynamics of the relationship.


He has always been cheeky, playful and flirtatious but respectful towards me, except that one time mentioned above. But I still felt very safe with him. Hence, why I was attracted and loved him. A very fun and loving person to be with through most of the marriage and dating times. A seriously nice guy (loved and respected at work and by friends and family) bar his personality flaw, which seems to be his tendency to cheat or me not being able to fulfil his emotional or secual needs......


Fast forward, after a very happy, easy and loving 5 years of marriage, the last year has been strained.


I could not figure out why we were still getting along with each other but his attentativeness to me had fell. And our sex life suffered. I always believed him when he said it was the stress of his work (colleagues were being fired left right and centre) but we had to do it quite a bit because we were trying to get pregnant. And in trying not to add to his mental pressure, I never tried to make things more stressful for us. Even though I was puzzled about the sex situation and my concern about the distance in our relationship started growing.


I am not fat, 48kgs and 5ft4, and this has been a constant in our marriage so it was not like I had let myself go.


Please remember, our relationship was still going along ok in the way we treated each other. We never hate each other through out this time, some fustrations or differences here and there like all marriages, but there was something not quite right with him, I just could not figure out what the problem was. And because I trusted him I did not suspect an affair.


And I was still in love with him after all this time of marriage.


Anyway, after 12 months of this, in December 2009 and January 2010, I asked him for a divorce. I could get no answers to our marriage 'distance' and eventhough we both wanted kids badly, we seemed not able to get it together to do so.


As I could not even figure out what the problem to fix was after so long, and in the abscence of any arguments or reason for the distance from him, I figured, he must just not want to be married to me anymore.


Both times, he said he did not want a divorce even though I raised the issues of distance and if he did not really love me, then we should go our separate ways as I said to him I 100% for sure want kids in my life.


Then in April, all of it made sense. He had been cheating long distance with a work collegue. He said it was because he was stressed and she was a mental relief - not physical. (From waht I know, they travelled together only 2 times together for 3 weeks at a time with a bunch of other co-workers. They may have arranged some nights together outside of this as well but not that many). So I do not know if it was very physical but I suspect there may have been. He denies it. I think he is just scared to make the situation irritreivable.


But, yes, she definately helped his mindset. Hence why he stopped talking too much to me about his work stuff....He was off loading it to her. Hence the little intimacies that I noticed were missing.....


He has asked for my forgiveness and that we give the marriage another go.


He claims he had broke it off with the mainland girl (he is based in HK) from March 2010 of this year after he considered staying with me or leaving me for her during the Sep-Dec 2009 period. But in the end, they both decided to go back to their respective spouses.


I think he had too much too loose if we divorced - not so much financially, but emotionally. I am much more easy going whereas she is much more agressive and demanding. I just get this sense of her personality from our past casual conversations.


I also reckon it was complicated if he stayed with her and he was begining to see the folloy of the mess he had created. And of course, he had some love for me.


But now I feel a little lost about his committment and love for me and his ability to stay faithful in future.


I do believe he is more aware now of how much I do love him and how much he stood to lose emotionally if I left him. Before this, I felt maybe I had neglected him a little as I was not always as expressive as him about how much I love him. I sometimes did not show as much love and care for him in as 'sweet' and obvious a way as he needs. He is a very sentimantal guy. eg. one birthday I could not be with him and he went and bought himself a small cake with a candel for himself : )


But after a stock take of the situation, I have some serious issues to consider.


1. How can I bring a baby in to this 'insecure/unstable' environment?


He wants to start trying straight away, whereas I am very concerned about trying to have a baby with him and if he will stray again once we have kids to be responsible for.


I have to admit, I have had and can see many happy times ahead if I stay with him as well. Because I now his nature is something I love and will fall for again very easily, but I fear the hurt and the pain and disaster if he strays again.


2. Will he stray again? Especially given his cheeky, playful nature? Is it inevitable that I will have to face a third time? The mental anguish, hurt and pain again?


Has anyone males ever strayed and returned to the marriage and stayed faithful?


Is there any hope that my marriage and family life will not end in a disaster?


What would you do?

Hard to advise you on what to do, every couple is different, each individual is.

no one can say if the next guy would be a better one to live with, if he would be faithful...

you sound in love and strong in your message, based on that so far, i would be tempted to say "try to work on the relationship", but you're the only one who can really make the choice.


why does he want a baby straight away now, after this recent event?

I think he started falling for the other girl when they worked on the same products more in the last 18mths or so.


She was 29 and it may have been flateery. He had a 'crush' was his description.


So I think he was just tempted and thought why not go for the extra fun and he did not think I would ever find out. Sadly I did.


Further, he went ahead with her because she was married, so this helped him think it would be easy to keep it quiet. So I don't think his intention was to leave me. But then he may have got caught in all the emotional side of things.


And as he was absent in the relationship in the last year, of course I cooled myself to him too. And so he fell for that girl even more in the last 6mths of 2009.


But during all this time we were trying to have a baby still, but he would only be able to get it going 50% of the time, I guess because of his guilty conscience.


So now he clearly realises he doesn't want the other girl and therefore, all systems go for a baby. I think he feels bad and guilty for the affair and upsetting me, but as his mind is committed to staying with me, he thinks, yep let's go and get ourselves a baby and just work full on for the future.


Whereas I am like, woh. I know and that's great. We both wants kids ASAP (we have been trying for 1.5yrs already before she came on the scene) but I am the one now who is hesitating just because of what's gone down......

It is true that it is hard to find a man that is faithful now a days?


So I should just let it go and start a family with him?


He is trying very hard to be attentative to me. And I can clearly see many of the old happy things that he use do to/for me happening again, but they are not as purely sweet or joyful as before....Sometimes I am so angry and sad at the same time.


Whereas he is trying to move things on so quickly. I also have some medical issues that may mean it takes a little longer to fall pregnant.

The problem is only as big as the way you treat it. Why do people have such high expectation on other people just because they chose them to be the spouses? Of course, WE are all the special ones, and only the others are the common folks who would bear the pain of being cheated. There is nothing special about men’s cheating. Yes, it is a mistake. And you already know the reasons. But again, because I am the special one, so why ME, poor ME…

I think people mistakenly go into a marriage by forcing the other party to keep an unrealistic promise for the rest of his or her life. It is good to have hope and intention. But seriously, we don’t even know what will happen the next day, and you expect your spouse will behave in certain way during the next 60 years? If you base your entire meaning of marriage on this promise, you can never find peace and security.

You are lucky enough to find a person you can get along with to share live together. When bad things happened, you work on it. Don’t treat your spouse as a property, but someone you like and love. If you can really do that, your marriage will always serve you well.

Your situation is not an easy one. You can not be sure if a man is going to stray (again) or not. However, if you feel like he might do it again then there is indeed a slim chance he will. This said, if this is the man you love and you normally feel happy with, maybe it's worth to give it a try and get pregnant with him... Just keep in mind a child will not help you fix your relationship (maybe that's what he has in mind?). Also try to figure out how your life is going to be like if he strays again and if this situation drives you crazy: some men stray and still make decent fathers (their wife suffer but clench their jaws), some just drop their family...If you divorce, can you support your child? etc... Think about yourself as a person on your own before you make the decision, try to figure out what the worst situation could be and how you would face it, what your B plan could be like...it may help you to feel stronger and more relax about the risks you think you take in your marriage...

A totally different perspective, looking at the problem from the other end. Just to provoke thought, not to make accusations.


It seems like he may be feeling pressured to make babies. This could explain his lack of interest in sex. You mention babies several times, and this is obviously a very important thing for you. It may not be important for him. He may have said last year he wanted kids, but maybe he was just saying this to placate you, becuase his behaviour was otherwise.


The relationship he developed with the other woman may have started as a little light relief from the emotional stresses at home. But feelings grew and got a bit out of hand.


Even you husband's behaviour now could be seen as (although it may not be the case) the results of him being coerced into starting a family. If this is the case he may worry about being 'controlled', this would also explain his cooling off behavior prior to the wedding. As a result you broke it off. Last year you came right out and asked for a divorce because you could not get the attention you thing you deserved. And now you are also threatening not to have children. This may not be the case with you, but the pattern is that of someone who controls through ultimatums.


I am not accusing you of emotional blackmail, but I think maybe you need to take a look in the mirror. Just in case you do have this habit.

chicken (what an appropriate name), tigerbay makes a fair point.


here's my 5 cents: initially you told him that straying is a deal breaker. then he did it, and now you are considering to continue with him.


hence, i don't get you: is it a deal breaker or not? if it is, then don't hesitate and break up. if it's not (and as tigerbay says, it mustn't be for everyone), then relax.


the point is that if you put up a rule (and he agrees to it), then he violates it and does not have to face the consequences, why would he follow the rule later in his life?


the core question really is whether him (and you) straying is really a deal breaker for your relationship or not. free yourself from the moral views of the 'society' and really ask yourself this question

Thank you so much for all your considered and valuable points.


In fact, it may be a combination of all your points.


Even the 'ulitmatum' part of my personality that I didn't even realise, but definately not in a manipulative way. That is a bit evil. I think our relationship woukldnot have lasted this long if it was badly intended.


On reflection, sometimes when I see we should be doing one way because it is necessary/good ultimately for both me and him I try to hasten the decision - but I always have the good intention that I think 'will the decsion to go this or that way be right and good for us?'


Then I take off screaming down that direction. Whereas he is a little more slower (but he usually/seems to agree after quite some discussion on the logic of the decision), hence my 'get yourself moving attitude' to him.


If he does not agree to the option, then I am happy not to consider that option.... but maybe he sometimes just goes along with me, kinda seeing the logic but just a little scared or maybe he hesitates because he doesn't agree FULLY or is a little frightened of the risk of failure/downsides?


And yes, he hates being 'controlled,' or not so much controlled but 'pressurised'. It brings a lot of stress to him. Especially when combined with HK work pressure...I can see he goes a little mental to himself.


But I do not believe the bit about me forcing him to have a baby is true in this situation. He wants them just as much as me. Now, I just hesitate and want a cooling off period in trying. Because I didn't want to fall pregnant right now and regret the conseuqnces on me, husband and baby if I don't have a chance to digest the situation properly.

Sicn, cookie and all others, (I assume you are all males as this thread was requesting male views. Of course females welcome too), but on the issue of 'faithfulnes'?!


"I think people mistakenly go into a marriage by forcing the other party to keep an unrealistic promise for the rest of his or her life. It is good to have hope and intention. But seriously, we don’t even know what will happen the next day, and you expect your spouse will behave in certain way during the next 60 years?"


'If you base your entire meaning of marriage on this promise, you can never find peace and security."


"You are lucky enough to find a person you can get along with to share live together."


I think my problem is that my marriage is in fact good and he is a good man who I enjoy time with when he is focused on being in our marriage not running a round with some a third party.


That is the whole problem!! I can always tell when he is not 100% there!


My husband is a loving man and good hearted man. With the reality of much pressure in his work life (for his own personal achievement/fulfilment which I am happy to support as ultimately I think for a man sometimes this is important).


Financially we are fine. Ie. I divorce him or stay with him we both got a roof over our head. My motto being "We got money to spend great, if we don't have money to spend we cut back". So I leave him or stay it will not be about money or revenge etc.


But the issue of how he deals with his own 'pressures' is my pain when he strays. As a female, it is very difficult to turn a blind eye. Especially as it is not the first time. So it appears like a pattern for him.


And if I forgive this time, then am I opening the door open slather for him to do it again and again and again? Until HE DECIDES to stop hurting me.


But I really do can't tell if I can take the mental pressure of turning a blind eye all the time. And also bring a child in to this world in the sort of unhealthy situation....


Yes, he would make a great father. Kind and generous with his love, and he is responsible role model for work etc.


But I think he can't stop straying, really. He of course says he will to me so give him another chance but that is why I am asking for hope on this site, whether any married man has strayed and been able to keep faithful thereafter?


Or should my question be, 'Any married women been able to turn a blind eye repeatedly and deal with the pain of having a clenched jaw? Because it is worth the happy moments together?'


Should I still bring a baby in to thsi world? Otherwise I may not be able to have a baby at all if I divorce him.


Any ideas....


Still lost and struggling.

Chicken Wing, I hope my thoughts on these can help you.

>>>But the issue of how he deals with his own 'pressures' is my pain when he strays. As a female, it is very difficult to turn a blind eye. Especially as it is not the first time. So it appears like a pattern for him. <<<

Improve you two’s communication so he will share with you and thence he won’t have his OWN pressures to deal with secretly. As a female, you already have a very good sense of your men straying or not. So you have not and will not turn a blind eye. In a bigger picture, Men or married men straying is already a proven pattern.



>>>And if I forgive this time, then am I opening the door open slather for him to do it again and again and again? Until HE DECIDES to stop hurting me.<<<

Like Cookie pointed out: you already forgave him and he couldn’t keep his promise. It is proven fact in the past. So why bother to worry about the future? Another thing is if you put a door/gate, that’s meant to be opened. Human is curious and rebellion creature.


>>>But I really do can't tell if I can take the mental pressure of turning a blind eye all the time. And also bring a child in to this world in the sort of unhealthy situation....<<<

As said, you did not and will not turn a blind eye. You tell him your disappointments and how much that hurts. Go visit a marriage councilor together; it will be more memorable if he hears that from a respectable third party. Whether to have a child, if you don’t have the confidence to deal with the current situation, it is better not to take on the responsibility to another life.



>>>But I think he can't stop straying, really. He of course says he will to me so give him another chance but that is why I am asking for hope on this site, whether any married man has strayed and been able to keep faithful thereafter?<<<

I see the issue here is your weakness and lack of confidence, in your husband, in your marriage, and mostly in yourself. You blame yourself for his straying and you believe that something you lack inside but the other woman has had caused the straying. You are feeling so down right now so you just base your entire faith of the marriage on whether your husband is the type of person will hurt you again or not. You don’t believe you can actually take control of your relationship. I am no way a relationship expert. But I do know a man will not be completely relaxed and open to a person who they think holds the power of hurting him. And they are always attracted to HAPPY woman.


>>>Or should my question be, 'Any married women been able to turn a blind eye repeatedly and deal with the pain of having a clenched jaw? Because it is worth the happy moments together?'<<<

Nothing is worth the happy moments together. So Cheers!

Sorry sicn, but could you clarify what you mean for these two points?


? "But I do know a man will not be completely relaxed and open to a person who they think holds the power of hurting him".


? "Nothing is worth the happy moments together"

Does this mean the happy times are worth staying or don't bothe staying cos the happy times never make up for it?



Thank you. Your post and the others have given me much thought.


From all your posts including sicn, I understand what I need to think about. Yes, I do not have confidence he will be able to chose the straight path. I can only do what I can to give him the right environment to stay and not stray but i am not confident i will be able to do enough...


I hope he talks more about why he strayed. He just keeps asking not to talk about it anymore. He is very sorry, you did not do anthing wrong it is my fault. So he is not very communicative abut why he went and cheated. So sometimes i think he is just a serial cheater.....

Before you jump in bed to make a baby with him, ask yourself why you want this baby? Do you or your husband believe this is going to be the cure to your relationship problems? Will you be strong enough to raise this child if you divorce your husband in the future?

Chiken Wings,

What I meant is you two right now are in need of deep communication more than ever. You need to get to the bottom of why he stray. That means he had to face the darkest side of himself which he might have buried for a long time during the straying. In order for him to face it and enventually share with you, you need to be the loving and forgiving role to HELP him. Getting professional counciling is a good way to go. And you need to ask yourself why all this time, he had to hide himself and create this heaven of escape from you as well. You need to somehow make him feel comfortable enough to talk about these issues.

Nothing worth the happy time together. Your husband seems to be a good guy except those set-backs. And dont forget you are living in this part of the world and you two are still young which means hormones are pretty much running the show. Sometimes I see those happy couples with many years of being together confessed how much they cherished each other becasue they survive some very heavy stuffs during the years. I sense you two have the potential be one of them, inspiring for the younger couples and envied by the ones who didn't make it.

Wish you happy.

Thank you for all your true and sincere advice.


I have finally had a deep and meaningful conversation with him.


It is like the sunshine finally filtered through. And I can start to forgive and move on TOGETHER WITH HIM. I can see hope and happiness for us. Rather than misery/worry.


He says he was sad and lonely sometimes from our arguments on several major things. He felt like he was always dissappointing me. And then he felt very uncared for. And was dissappointed in the way I dealt with somethings and somethings he misinterpreted.


The main thing I needed to let him know is that I use to let him do things his way many times patiently over the years, so yes, it was very peaceful between us. But as he was beginning to get under more work pressure, I started arguing with him about how to approach certain things (financially) so he could leave (quit) his work earlier.


Also, there were other areas that I did not think his solutions were the best. But I only argued with him over the things more strongly as time was getting shorter and I could see he was making mistakes if he went down those paths. It was all out of care and concern for his interests though.


He realises now that yes, every couple have arguments and it is good and necessary. And he realises he was just handling the pressure incorrectly. And that some choices he made were wrong and can appreciate that my input helped him quite a few times or was trying to.


But during the difficult times he was lacking in confidence because of those bad decisions/mistakes. And my subsequent arguments (or as I viewed them -more opinionated and strongly put views) with him over other matters made him feel even more low and inadequete sometimes.


Which I can see/agree with in hindsight. Sometimes I am a bit more forthright than him.


Hence, why he looked to the affair for comfort...Primarily this and feeling alone sometimes mentally handling certain things from work (his new boss was a complete a-hole. Everytme my husband tells of one incident, I can tell he felt very demeened but it was such a pressure situation during that time, it was quite a lot on his shoulder. Of course, I could donothing about it except listen but of course his co-worker who he went to was in a much better position to empathise).


......And of course, he never mention this, but on the side issue, I am sure he was happy to try some new flesh...but I truly believe it was secondary. (Or course I am sure the extra bit of physical experimatentation helped put a smile on his 'depressed' state of mind at times!!!! ).


So my worry that he would be a serial cheater was based on not being able to have the above conversation with him and so I could only believe it was based on the 'flesh' thing. But I realise it was not. And I think he is truly regretful for the situation and understands he must truly avoid temptation in future.


.....I guess for me, bottom line is that I can except that at the age of 60, if he goes and gets attracted to 30yr old bodies compared to mine at 50 something, it is ok to turn a blind eye. (Of course I won't tell him this hahah). But at this stage of the relationship I could not tolerate serial cheating for years to come. And at such a crucial period of our lives over the next 15-20yrs or so.


So I struggled to accept having a baby with him. But now, I feel safe in knowing that he is a responsible partner and can be a good husband and father. So it is worth it to have a baby with him and to try to continue to make our marriage and communications stronger.


The last 10 yrs of faith in him and times with him has not been in vain.


Much thanks to all of you.


I have finally found the peace in my heart that I was hoping would come from him.

To address the question - will he stray again ?


The answer is it depends -


Firstly, men are complex and always stray for a reason. Straying can be emotional, physical, or both. He should be relating to you not just on a physical level, but also an emotional level. Some how this other woman was able offload his cares better than you. Whether of not that progressed to a physical relationship is another question. Ask yourself why she was a better soul mate for him... are you a nagger ? do you show your love in way he can relate to ? are you an emotionally manipulative person ?


Secondly, Assuming he "did", it's possible the tryst with the other woman was an innoculatory experience - after making that mistake once, and realizing it was a mistake, he won't do it again because the supposed fun wasn't that much fun and not worth the trouble.


Good Luck

Ok here's a blokes reply... I'm afraid leopards don't change their spots. If you have a look at your girlfriends I'm sure you'll find the same thing - those who have shag around are more likely to do it again...


Also he has let you down twice... How does the saying go? If you fool me once, more fool you... if you fool me twice, more fool me...

I have a tendency to believe that many women, whom post their views on here, about lacking trust towards men, are either insincere, lacking in attractive qualities (inner) or have a psychopathy. I suggest caution when replying to some of these messages.

Capt Dave

I do believe that for many men who do stray it is an innoculatory experience. I have read a report that strongly suggests that this is true in the majority of cases where men stray. The report also went on to say that men are 7 times more likely to stray than women, but it takes two to tango. The report then suggested that this defies the maths, and so women are more likely to be seriel adulterers.



Tune

Agree to some degree. I must admit that on this board (not neccessarily this thread) I do detect a tendency towards vitriolic posts by some individuals.