Posted by
app345
13 yrs ago
I'm in a relationship with a French guy but recently we're fighting a lot and I'm pretty tired of the fights. My mom told me to break up with him since he's not Chinese. But it's not something I'd like to do. I feel pressured by my family so really want to improve relationship with my boyfriend. Can anyone help me? Do we need to see a professional and where can we find one in HK?
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Hi, There seems to be a lot of people in Asia with relationship problems and in fact, I am one of them! I am an American Caucasian who loves Asian women and I also have been trying to find out who I can go to for help. I think mostly we are okay but there are some Asian cultures I just don't get. I almost feel like one of those guys in the Joy Luck Club!
Any advice from anyone, it seems like people have viewed this thread but no response. Is it because no one cares or wants to keep in private.
For me, I am dating a Local HK girl and I love her a lot but I am having some issues with her understanding the cultural differences. Just looking for a relationship counselor/therapist. I believe my girlfriend would be willing to go with me.
Any feedback would be appreciated.
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Try looking up St. John's.
I know it sounds all church ish but its not. I know a few people who have benefited greatly from going there for either abuse issues or grief counseling...and seen real progress. They also deal with relationship counseling, so maybe you should give them a call and find out what they can do for you.
"SJCS Counsellors help people with a wide range of emotional difficulties such as grief, trauma, stress, depression, anxiety, communication difficulties, sexual difficulties, relationship issues, life goal planning, alcohol and/or substance abuse and child behaviour issues.
Counselling is available to everyone regardless of financial status, religion, nationality, race, social status, financial capability, and/or sexual orientation.
Everyone is charged a fee however we offer a sliding scale so this fee is negotiable."
They are located in Central somewhere...near LKF...
http://www.stjohnscathedral.org.hk/counselling.html
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@ HKCAExpat
Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed by the very few responses I've received so far as I really need help. Like what you said, maybe people just don't care or think that relationship issues are something very private. SIGH. This is my first time to date a Caucasian guy as I'm kinda fed up with those Chinese men I had in the past. Glad that we come across similar situations, also appreciate your courage to seek help. To me seems like going for any relationship counseling is mainly a women thing.
@ Justin Credible
Thanks for the info, really appreciate that. St. John's sounds good but the location maybe a bit inconvenient to me. Is there any recommendations on Kowloon side? I hope I can find a counselor who understands both Chinese and western cultures.
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http://www.resourcecounselling.org/eng/index.htm
Resource is another place you can get help. Both St. Johns and Resource will have trained counselors who are more than capable of understanding the pressures placed on those living in a multicultural environment such as Hong Kong.
Unfortunately, even Resource is on Hong Kong side.
My thoughts...about your wish to find one thats convenient to you, is how important is it to you to work on the health of your relationship? I believe that when it comes to mental health and wellbeing, you cant really put a price on it, or hope for the most convenient fix. Counseling will give you the tools to help fix your problems, it wont fix your problems directly. So if you really want to save your relationship, hopping the train or the ferry to Central should be more than worth the effort.
Your other option, if you are still keen to find something in your neck of the woods, is to do a search for psychologists or private counselors on Kowloon side. They will likely cost more and not offer a sliding scale as both SJCS or Resource do. And also, I wouldnt know any to recommend you as I honestly dont know much about the other side of the harbour.
Dont be discouraged that no one has responded to your question on here. The reality is that maybe many read your post and then didnt respond because they simply didnt know any counseling services to recommend. Its not coz they dont give a crap about your situation. Your question was very specific...there really arent too many places to get couples counseling and also, not everyone has been for such a thing or knows anyone who has.
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Thanks Justin Credible for the info, also your kind words.
I've never been to any counseling before, that's why I sought advice here. And when I shared my concern with my local girlfriends, they either didn't know anything about it, or they tried to give me tons of suggestions to work on the relationship. I posted my question on this site so to get helpful feedback from people, or maybe some ladies can share their similar experiences with me. So I was surprised to have 2 males responded to my question and none from females...I assume women are more relational per se and tend to reach out/respond to others more than men.
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My bf needs to travel a lot to China for his work, also that he doesn't have any concrete plans for his future. I'm not 100% sure whether he's serious in this relationship or not (but I am). When he's in good mood we have a lot of fun time together. He likes to hang out in LKF with friends when he's in HK, and I prefer to enjoy more quiet moments with him. Originally he came to HK for a 1-yr contract, but has renewed the contract for another year.
Don't know it's due to personality clash or just a cultural thing, it's difficult for us to talk about money, worldview etc. To me he lives only in the present, and seems like he's running away from something. This is the repeated fights we have. My family (especially my mom) prefers me to have a serious relationship with a Chinese man, but I don't want that. Dating a French guy is a new experience to me, and this is also his first time to have an Asian gf.
I believe we love one another, so think that we may find help from counseling.
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Lesley Louise. the best 90552211
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app345 - before you seek couple therapy, you'll have to be sure that your bf is as serious about the relationship in the long run as you are. Otherwise, the therapy will not be too beneficial. The issues you're experiencing seems to be common in many relationships where there may be a mismatch between your commitments to each other. You used the phrase "I believe we love one another." You'll need to find out whether he loves you.
What will happen when his employment contract is over? Will you move with him to France? A year time goes by quickly....
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You can also consider Nikki Green, sexual and relationship counselor, lmany years in Hong Kong, understands the complicated relationships that are here
http://www.healthierrelationships.com/
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I really don't think this is a counselling thing and if you suggested it, he would probably run away. I would. Sounds like 1) you like him more than he likes you or b) cultural. I would say a lot of people from Europe don't have concrete plans or goals - especially in France. Having lived there for a while (I'm from the UK), you're pretty much guaranteed a roof over your head and a reasonable standard of living with plenty of free time. The state plays a large role in the economy with competitive exams for most civil service posts. It's very hard, for example, to set up a business as employment costs are so high. In other words, you may have goals but trying to achieve are nigh on impossible so you might as well do what you enjoy doing. The other thing to bear in mind - and I'm afraid it's probably a bit upsetting for you - is that there are probably many women he can sleep with - especially if he goes to the mainland a lot. By not committing, he may be doing you a favour.
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And lets face it, no one comes to HK on a one year contract thinking "Damn it, I wanna find a wife, and pronto". My girl, you are thinking waaaaaaaaaay too permanent in a situation the man looks at as a passing phase. You will not be able to get this one on lockdown.
But hey, the numbers for counseling are there...its just near impossible to go to couples counseling when both parties arent hoping in some way for the same resolution. You are hoping for long term and ever after...is he?
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@app345:
Many of my Chinese lady friends find it very normal to ‘vent’ all their relationship problems and discuss every detail with their mother. Don’t do these things, as she will only remember the negative aspects of your French ‘amour’, and next time when you are around her, she will start talking about it again.
Keep your problems between you and your BF, and try to find out how serious he is in terms of the relationship.
Good luck dear!
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I am seeing an art psychotherapist and she helps me a lot in understanding my self and my another half.
You guys can shoot her a mail:
e213124@gmail.com (Emily Lee)
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Thanks, kylcheung124. I just sent her a mail. Hope to hear from her soon.
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I think couple counciling is not very helpful. I think the issues that are there are within yourself, and you need to see a counciler for yourself. I was blindsided by a girl I dated years ago who took me to one. This one with a christian group I will not name, was pretty useless. It was an opinion based on his culture and experience rather than coming from a study of human behavior.
I've had counciling as a youth with a professional and it's done wonders.
My advice is for anyone who wants to read it is to figure out what is bothering you about your relationship? Figure it out and you can make changes. is it his/her way of saying and doing things? or is there something in you that you are not addressing?
Be honest with yourself, accept it and make changes.
To app345 I reckon its worked out one way or another. I hope you found your own path instead of living in the image others tell you to (parents).
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To MattinAsia, so true. That's y Im trying one to one first.
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