Can't move on, can't really stop playing...

Hi,


i'll try to make it short.


A while ago i broke up with my gf, a local, with who i had a 3y+ relationship, I've done a lot for her but in the end it didn't work out.


Since then I've been playing, a lot for about 1.5y now, 1, 2, 3, up to 5 at the same time...


Couldn't stop it until last summer, something made me realize that i was doing wrong and that i had to stop, i lost my heart, i lost my consciousness, i didn't care about anything or anyone for that matter.


I couldn't (and still can't) get myself into a real and nice relationship again.


I had my CNY dinner with my ex, in her family,

for a long time i tried to patch the thing up between us but during that dinner, i noticed that i simply couldn't do it anymore.


Like i said, i played a lot, most of it i regret because i meet some really nice girls, i don't believe in the perfect girl, but they were a way better than my ex at any level. When i decided to stop, i hurt them because they couldn't understand why.


I kept the relationship with one of them, i've been tempted a lot but i could control myself and i've done nothing wrong for 6 months, i was thinking that 2012 would be new beginning for me...


Something happened again earlier this month with a girl who has a boyfriend and who told me that she was not looking for a serious relationship...


4 days after our first "fun", she wrote on my hand "I love you"... I like the girl but not that much...


I'm really starting to worry, i mean now i don't feel anything for any girls, a feeling may appear for 5 mins but that's all, I'm afraid to be like this forever, just hurt people and only get what I want.


5 years ago i hated the kind of person I am now but it seems that i just can't stop being one big bastard (the way i'd have described the now "myself" 5y ago)...


I don't know if some of you have any advice to help me being a better guy, somehow back to what i was before.


I guess that some guys here did the same maybe until they found someone but i just can't wait or can't / don't know how to / choose.


I'd like to be able to feel something again... I'm 30 and i'd like to be serious again.

In case of stomach ache step away from the candy bar.

Firstly, your ex is out. Since you wrote "they were a way better than my ex at any level" it's obvious she's not the one.


Secondly, forget this girl with a boy friend, who had fun with you. Sounds like she's a bigger player than you are. Her "I love you" is probably no more sincere that what you used to say to girls.


Thirdly, yep, your heart has kind of died. All the cynicism of being a player kills the sincerity and optimism that makes long term relationships work. That's why you can't get into a relationship again. You need to withdraw from this life for a bit and rediscover real people.

Get over the idea that there is one soul mate out there for you. We meet lots of people in our life, and they all have an influence on us and these influences make us who we are. By falling for this stupid hollywood programming, you put all your eggs into one basket and allow this one women to screw up your mind. Buy a copy of this album, Elvis Costello - Blood and Chocolate, and you will understand what I mean. If that doesn't help you then you are just some twisted pervert with an asian women fetish, and you should just go back home. Oh and don't listen to CaptDave, he knows nothing about nothing.

jk47 > thanks for sharing your POV about me.

Hi

Try to set yourself free and forget the past. Yes, you have been hurting some of the nice girls, so please stop it. I am sure you don't have problems on meeting girls. When you meet some nice girls, try to get to know them. You might find a girl you really like ...... But you have to forget the past :)

Oh boo hoo...


Sorry, dude, but seriously? You really bemoaning the state you are in when its you that are the maker of your bed?


I had a friend, a stupendous guy, nice guy, as in totally likeable dude. Not a bad looking guy, 35, salt and pepper hair, and blue eyes. Chicks were crazy about him!


But he knew he was only in Hong Kong for the short term, say, a few years, so he would just play the field. He treated women nice, made them laugh, made them feel good about scoring with a guy who was hotter than they were, and well, loads of chicks fell for this guy! Loads!


Did they know he was a player? Sure. But did they think he would change just for them? Oh hell yeah. Were they disappointed he was still playing but totally nice, funny, charming and what not? Eh, yes and no. You see, he was always honest with them about how he was not looking for a relationship.


Do I feel sorry for him? Probably not. Do I feel sorry for the women? Only a little.


Truth be told, unless you are a class A douchebag and actually treating these women badly, or worse, lying about what you are looking for (ie, leading them on to think they are in with a chance at a "relationship") then they are getting what they want (for the short term) and so are you (the short term).


If you are sitting here boo hoo hooing about how you are such a manwhore and you wish you werent, I have one piece of advice for you:


Either s**t or get off the pot.


Quit complaining about something you totally have a choice in and quit acting like its somehow all just some big mistake that you have no control over. Unless you were just walking down some stairs and tripped and just so happened to stick your d**k into 5 women all in a row, you aint gonna get any sympathy for being in the position you are in.


Its your life, your choice, and if you look at folks who have come around from being alcoholics or smack addicts, maybe you are in a good place, you know, admitting you have a problem and what not, the first step. But its not good enough to just sit there and play the worlds smallest violin all "my heart bleeds" and shizz, its up to you to get over feeling sorry about it and be the change in your life.


Just remember, you treat women this way, its stealing. You are not giving them the truth and well, you arent giving them any of your heart or soul, but you are slowly but surely crushing theirs. Alls I can say about this is that karma is a biyatch and if you are wondering what I mean about it...well, karma never quite comes back like a boomerang. More likely you will skip through life unscathed...but lawd help your playing (or one day former-playing) a$$ when you finally settle down and you have yourself not one but two...or maybe three daughters in a row.


Yeeeeeppp.....


Just think about it. One day, those wonderful daughters of yours will end up dating lying, sculduggurous, man-whores just like you know who...


So yeah, good luck on the change front, and know, the ball is in your court, it has always been in your court, so man up and hit it!

I think it's rather to your credit that you can face the issue of your own promiscuity and know that this behaviour is a problem, and ultimately not only destructive to the girls you meet, but also to yourself. You recognise that a lot of the best things about yourself have been lost by indiscriminantly taking what was there apparently free or at least with very little aftermath. Sure, you were enjoying yourself, but at the same time losing yourself... not good, and you recognise it.


I don't have any interest in beating you up over your behaviour. It may have a lot to do with a deep sense that you aren't really loveable, and you may be acting out of self-loathing in much the same way that women who have low self-esteem become promiscuous. You sense that you are abusing women, and at the same time, abusing yourself because you hold yourself to a higher standard that you keep failing. Clearly it's troubling you, and for that reason, you could really benefit from some counselling I think. I am not skilled enough in this area to give you advice, and I don't know what the situation is like in Shanghai, but I think it would help you to discuss your feelings with someone who is skilled, because compulsions - and this is what it appears to be - have a way of compounding. If you behave compulsively, you need to address this.

Take a break. Stop the behaviors that aren't making you feel good about yourself, the ones that are not consistent with your values and the way you wish to see yourself.


After a while, the feelings will return. You'll get interested again. Most likely, someone "special" will come along, and you'll get back into it not just for sexual relief, but because you are beginning to genuinely care for someone, and want to be with them.


Playing the field too much, for too long, can "burn you out" emotionally, exactly as you describe. Too much sex, too easily, can not only diminish your interest, but make you question whether real love even exists. The feelings you're missing won't return until you've taken a break, and given things time to "re-balance". They'll come back, just in a different (and wiser, better) form.


At least, that was my experience, a long time ago!