Shabby boy!

My fiancé and I have been together for a couple of years. He is a loving and caring man and I love him to bits.


Here's the problem: He doesn't make much of an effort to take care of his looks. Firstly, he wears clothes and shoes that he's had for over a decade. They look old and outdated but he doesn't seem to care. Something basic like getting a proper haircut or styling his hair seems to be too hard. And in the last few months he has gained weight. Physically, I am starting to feel less and less attracted to him. My sex drive is dead.


I like to take care of my appearance. I would never leave the house looking shabby. I want to look presentable for myself, my fiancé and others around me. When I gave this as an example he got offended and said that I was superficial. I don't think I am superficial at all. To me this is just basic grooming and respect for my partner. Doesn't everyone want to look good in the eyes of their partner?


Physical attraction is not everything but to some degree it's needed right?


I drop hints about it but now I am getting more and more frustrated. He is 8 years older than me and his lack of effort is ageing him more and making me feel like I am dating an old guy!


I have not gone as far as telling him that I am feeling less attracted to him.

Perhaps this is the next step?

How can I make him see my point of view without hurting his feelings?

If you want to get your point across without hurting him, i wouldnt mention that you are less attracted to him. Actaully, shouldnt he have already noticed that you are less attracted to him? If he hasn't, then maybe you have some other problems that you need to work out. Is he happy with his life in general? Is he overworked? etc


If he's still wearing the same clothes he wore a decade ago, i would guess that you havent bought him anyhting new to wear for over a decade? My wife always buys me new things to wear, whether its clothes, or a new bag, a watch etc. With valentines day coming up, maybe its the perfect chance for you to help him look younger by buying some new clothes and accessories or whatever... Maybe a slightly smaller size will also encourage some exercise.

Miss Lulu, you are not being superficial in wanting to care about your fiance's appearance and upkeep.


Of course, tackling the topic with him would be tricky!


Like Rob, I would also suggest buying him clothes. Can you even get him to come on shopping trips with you?


And then, can you embark on exercise together, such as taking up a new active hobby such as hiking etc etc. And talk to him about the importance of remaining healthy - he's eight years older than you and you love him and want him to live as long as possible!

I am with rititt, was your boyfriend like this before or you just started noticing this about him? If a girlfriend who I had had for 2 years suddenly comes and tells me my style is boring, I would think she had imagined me to be someone else and loved that other person all the time, hoping I would wake-up and change to become that person one perfect day.


I am sure your boyfriend is aware that he has gained weight, you need to help him get back in shape. I cannot imagine his line of thinking being "oh, let me gain some weight and little by little become a hideous looking monster, wouldn't that have a great impact my life!"


Try to talk to him about it, but very softly and be nice. And please if you buy him clothes, make sure it is not something completely out of his style. One of my girl friends married a much older man some years back. He was very chubby with grey hair at the time, now he is in great shape and is dyeing his hair.

Just buy him (slowly) new cloths (same general style). Dont wash or get rid of the old cloths (donate some of your old cloths and ask him what he wants to donate).


Don't make a big deal about it and dont drag him shopping (he may be self conscience about gaining weight). I also dont dress the best and look worse when I gain or loss weight since the cloths don't fit.


On the weight spend more time together when you are eating better and drinking less. If you go out, go to places it is easy to eat better (less carbs)

Become friends with his friends. Get them on your side and conspire with them to do a wardrobe overhaul.

Having them along for the shopping will be more of a 'boys day out' and will perhaps keep him more interested.

Miss-lulu, i do not think you are being shallow or superficial; taking care of oneself is a form of respect to the person around us. As we mature, our view change, his shabbiness may not mean anything to you before but it does now, it is a complete natural process.


I totally understand your feeling, it is the female version of complain when husbands complaining how their wives let themselves balloon and became a whale and how the attraction gradually diminishes…


You have some good advice from other members and hope it works out.